# How do I find out if she's a gold digger? **URL:** \ **Category:** In My Humble Opinion\ **Created:** [December 8, 2005, 10:33pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-do-i-find-out-if-shes-a-gold-digger/334770 "2005-12-08T22:33:01Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 4
**Author:** ![Siege](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/dbc845/32.png) [@Siege](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Siege)\ **Post date:** [December 11, 2005, 10:06am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-do-i-find-out-if-shes-a-gold-digger/334770/61 "2005-12-11T10:06:17Z")
> [@John Carter of Mars](#): > > I pretty much understand with what **msmith537** is saying here. If someone I was dating set up some arbitrary rule, “We’re waiting six months and I don’t mean five months and 27 days, but SIX MONTHS!” then I don’t think she’d be the person for me. If that works for someone else, cool, but that factored into a relationship wouldn’t work for me. Pssst! It’s not arbitrary; it’s a guideline, a sort of rule of thumb. How else do you think it got from one year to six months? 😉 Oh, and **msmith537** , trust me. You and men like you don’t have to worry about the likes of me dating you for even one month. CJ ---
**Author:** ![msmith537](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/d9b06d/32.png) [@msmith537](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/msmith537)\ **Post date:** [December 11, 2005, 2:22pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-do-i-find-out-if-shes-a-gold-digger/334770/62 "2005-12-11T14:22:09Z")
> [@alice\_in\_wonderland](#): > > Perhaps I’m a golddigger (I never really thought about it). But to me, wanting your partner to be at least as financially stable as you are doesn’t seem like a bad thing. There’s nothing wrong with wanting a financially stable partner. You don’t want someone gloming off you. It’s only being a gold digger if you misrepresent yourself. > [@Good Egg](#): > > It was your commetn “I wouldn’t date you more than a month.” It should’ve been “I wouldn’t date anyone more than a month without sex.” What are you? The should’ve police? > [@Siege](#): > > Oh, and msmith537, trust me. You and men like you don’t have to worry about the likes of me dating you for even one month. Meh… ---
**Author:** ![don\_t\_ask](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/e68b1a/32.png) [@don\_t\_ask](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/don_t_ask)\ **Post date:** [December 11, 2005, 2:38pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-do-i-find-out-if-shes-a-gold-digger/334770/63 "2005-12-11T14:38:46Z")
> [@Siege](#): > > I’m not going to have sex with a person until we’ve been dating at least six months, probably longer. I make that clear up front, and I’ve never regretted it. I don’t date people I’m not having sex with. I make that clear up front, and I’ve never regretted it. ---
**Author:** ![PunditLisa](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/4af34b/32.png) [@PunditLisa](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/PunditLisa)\ **Post date:** [December 11, 2005, 6:38pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-do-i-find-out-if-shes-a-gold-digger/334770/64 "2005-12-11T18:38:03Z")
> [@msmith537](#): > > Why do you find his ambition attractive? Doesn’t everyone find ambition attractive? My husband was “downsized” about 10 years ago. He didn’t spend one DAY moping, and landed a new job before his severance pay was exhausted. Had the job market been tight, he’d have worked two jobs to support us, he’d have dug ditches before he would have sat in a bar lamenting his bad luck. That ambition, that drive to succeed can neither be taught nor bought. You either have it or you don’t. He has it in spades. And it was, and still is, an extremely attractive quality to me. > [@msmith537](#): > > Does his success validate you somehow? It certainly validates him. > [@msmith537](#): > > Do you enjoy the higher standard of living it allows you to have? Of course I enjoy the higher standard of living it allows me to have. Just as he enjoys the dinner I make every night even though he didn’t personally prepare it. > [@msmith537](#): > > Is there something about his career you find particularly interesting? You don’t just get to watch from the sidelines. I find the stock market to be duller than dirt. It energizes him, though, and that’s what’s important. > [@msmith537](#): > > He’s not the gold-digger because he’s working for his money. I was being facetious, but I said that because “gold” is much more important to him than to me. I would prefer that he take a pay cut and take more time off to enjoy the money he has worked so hard to accumulate. He won’t. That’s the downside of ambition. > [@msmith537](#): > > As you say, your ass just gets to enjoy the ride from the sidelines. My ass gets to enjoy the financial ride from the sidelines because it’s the way my husband and I have structured our marriage. What makes us happy is really no one’s business. That is why I think the OPer should concern himself less about what other people think about his date and more about whether or not they complement each other. ---
**Author:** ![wonky](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/wonky/32/393_2.png) [@wonky](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/wonky)\ **Post date:** [December 11, 2005, 6:52pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-do-i-find-out-if-shes-a-gold-digger/334770/65 "2005-12-11T18:52:42Z")
There’s an old line, paraphrased: “It’s just as easy to fall in love with a rich man as a poor one.” That can be taken as advice to women, and it also can be taken as a heads up to men. Unless you can’t be loved on your own merits, why assume you aren’t? Of course, this comes from a woman who went into marriage knowing that I would be supporting my disabled husband. Was he a gold-digger? In a way, yes. He didn’t marry someone who couldn’t support him. He didn’t marry someone who wouldn’t support him. And I have no regrets. ---
**Author:** ![Good\_Egg](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/g/96bed5/32.png) [@Good\_Egg](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Good_Egg)\ **Post date:** [December 11, 2005, 6:57pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-do-i-find-out-if-shes-a-gold-digger/334770/66 "2005-12-11T18:57:20Z")
> [@don't ask](#): > > I don’t date people I’m not having sex with. I make that clear up front, and I’ve never regretted it. What kind of world do you live in? This has me stumped. You walk up to a stranger, offer to have sex, then, if all works out, you decide to date? Sounds pretty stupid to me. Your body must not be worth much, then. Seige and I; we are worth waiting for. ---
**Author:** ![Polerius](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/d78d45/32.png) [@Polerius](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Polerius)\ **Post date:** [December 12, 2005, 12:44am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-do-i-find-out-if-shes-a-gold-digger/334770/67 "2005-12-12T00:44:11Z")
> [@PunditLisa](#): > > Doesn’t everyone find ambition attractive? I think this is related to the statement “All women are gold-digging whores.” mentioned above by **Campion**. Women find ambition attractive. Men find good looks attractive. Of course a nice character and not being a lazy bum are nice to have (_and essential to a long-term relationship_), but those are not what make the woman attractive. Her looks do, primarily. It’s possible that women may be hard-wired to be attracted to ambition and success, so they may not be making a conscious decision to go after the money or promise of future money. So they may not conciously be gold-diggers, but the hard-wired attraction to ambition (with its promise of future material success) is de-facto gold-digging attitude. ---
**Author:** ![PunditLisa](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/4af34b/32.png) [@PunditLisa](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/PunditLisa)\ **Post date:** [December 12, 2005, 1:31am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-do-i-find-out-if-shes-a-gold-digger/334770/68 "2005-12-12T01:31:33Z")
> [@Polerius](#): > > I think this is related to the statement “All women are gold-digging whores.” mentioned above by **Campion**. > > Women find ambition attractive. > Men find good looks attractive. > > (snip) > > It’s possible that women may be hard-wired to be attracted to ambition and success, so they may not be making a conscious decision to go after the money or promise of future money. So they may not conciously be gold-diggers, but the hard-wired attraction to ambition (with its promise of future material success) is de-facto gold-digging attitude. If it’s an unconscious thing, then how can it be criticized? I certainly don’t criticize men for wanting to screw Angelina Jolie. I think what people are critical of is women who _consciously_ make a decision to marry a man that they don’t really love for financial gain, a la Anna Nicole Smith. ---
**Author:** ![John\_Carter\_of\_Mars](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/j/2bfe46/32.png) [@John\_Carter\_of\_Mars](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/John_Carter_of_Mars)\ **Post date:** [December 12, 2005, 2:19am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-do-i-find-out-if-shes-a-gold-digger/334770/69 "2005-12-12T02:19:57Z")
> [@Siege](#): > > Pssst! It’s not arbitrary; it’s a guideline, a sort of rule of thumb. How else do you think it got from one year to six months? 😉 Well, OK then, that changes everything! If the time period is negotiable: How _YOU_ doin’? 🆒 > [@PunditLisa](#): > > I certainly don’t criticize men for wanting to screw Angelina Jolie. Can I have Ashley Judd instead? Pretty please? ---
**Author:** ![clairobscur](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/839c29/32.png) [@clairobscur](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/clairobscur)\ **Post date:** [December 12, 2005, 2:27am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-do-i-find-out-if-shes-a-gold-digger/334770/70 "2005-12-12T02:27:05Z")
> [@alice\_in\_wonderland](#): > > Perhaps I’m a golddigger (I never really thought about it). But to me, wanting your partner to be at least as financially stable as you are doesn’t seem like a bad thing. Depends on tastes. I assume that what you describe isn’t any more shallow that, say, wanting a physically attractive partner. But personnaly, any hint of materialism is a turn-off for me, and I can’t really understand how being materially stable (having a good job and personnal property in your example) can enter in the equation. I mean beauty can result in a sexual interest, one’s personnality might make you fall in love, but how can a good income be attractive, except if you’re interested in the lifestyle rather than in the person? Of course, in extreme cases, you can wonder “what’s wrong with him/her that resulted in suh a situation?”, but if there’s nothing obviously wrong with the person, why the “good job” or “personnal property” would make him/her more attractive? How can this translate in feelings or lack thereof? ---
**Author:** ![clairobscur](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/839c29/32.png) [@clairobscur](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/clairobscur)\ **Post date:** [December 12, 2005, 2:46am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-do-i-find-out-if-shes-a-gold-digger/334770/71 "2005-12-12T02:46:55Z")
> [@PunditLisa](#): > > Doesn’t everyone find ambition attractive? Nope. And I never understood why so many people perceive it as attractive. It’s a complete mystery to me. I would even tend to assume that it’s a potentially bad point if it’s significant (thinking : why does this person want so much to reach a high social standing? What is he ready to do to achieve his goal?). I don’t have much of an issue with ambitious people (providing this doesn’t lead them to immoral behaviors, like, say, backstabbing) but I’m puzzled that potential partners find this specifically attractive. Of course it can be tied to other attractive qualities, like self-confidence, but assuming an identical level of self-confidence, why would being more ambitious better? And it’s obviouly widespread, you only have to read the personnals in a newspaper/on the net to notice it. Has it something to do with the concept of “alpha male”, when females are concerned? > [@](#): > > My husband was “downsized” about 10 years ago. He didn’t spend one DAY moping, and landed a new job before his severance pay was exhausted. Had the job market been tight, he’d have worked two jobs to support us, he’d have dug ditches before he would have sat in a bar lamenting his bad luck. But that’s is being a hard worker and responsible, not being ambitious. > [@](#): > > Of course I enjoy the higher standard of living it allows me to have. Just as he enjoys the dinner I make every night even though he didn’t personally prepare it. Ok. I assume that everybody enjoys a comfortable life. But how being able to provide a comfortable life can make a _person_ (as opposed to the house he owns) attractive? > [@](#): > > What makes us happy is really no one’s business. That is why I think the OPer should concern himself less about what other people think about his date and more about whether or not they complement each other. But if what you find important is nobody’s business, doesn’t it apply too to the OP? Obviously, he thinks that not marying a gold-digger is important. And of course, he should be concerned. His date wouldn’t be a “good complement” if she didn’t meet his criterions. Why do you assume he’s worried about what “other people think”? ---
**Author:** ![clairobscur](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/839c29/32.png) [@clairobscur](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/clairobscur)\ **Post date:** [December 12, 2005, 2:49am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-do-i-find-out-if-shes-a-gold-digger/334770/72 "2005-12-12T02:49:48Z")
> [@PunditLisa](#): > > I think what people are critical of is women who _consciously_ make a decision to marry a man that they don’t really love for financial gain, a la Anna Nicole Smith. I agre, but if you wonder “does he have a good job?” isn’t this precisely making a conscious choice? ---
**Author:** ![John\_Carter\_of\_Mars](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/j/2bfe46/32.png) [@John\_Carter\_of\_Mars](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/John_Carter_of_Mars)\ **Post date:** [December 12, 2005, 2:59am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-do-i-find-out-if-shes-a-gold-digger/334770/73 "2005-12-12T02:59:12Z")
> [@clairobscur](#): > > Depends on tastes. I assume that what you describe isn’t any more shallow that, say, wanting a physically attractive partner. But personnaly, any hint of materialism is a turn-off for me, and I can’t really understand how being materially stable (having a good job and personnal property in your example) can enter in the equation. Here’s how it enters in, for me at least: I was once stuck in a relationship with a woman that was financially irresponsible, and didn’t care about trying to contribute _anything at all_ to the set-up. She was smart and capable, but if a job wasn’t “fun” she wouldn’t take it, no matter how much of a pay increase would have resulted. That’s a real drag, especially when she often spent large sums of money on major purchases without discussing it with me ahead of time. Once I got out of that situation, I swore: Never Again! That doesn’t mean that I went looking for someone that was independently wealthy or had a six-figure income. I did want (and found) someone that would behave in a responsible manner and who was willing to do her fair share. ---
**Author:** ![msmith537](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/d9b06d/32.png) [@msmith537](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/msmith537)\ **Post date:** [December 12, 2005, 4:45am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-do-i-find-out-if-shes-a-gold-digger/334770/74 "2005-12-12T04:45:22Z")
> [@PunditLisa](#): > > Doesn’t everyone find ambition attractive? Depends. How do you know whether it’s the person you find attractive or the trappings of the fruits of their ambition - the cars, the houses, etc? “Now I ain’t saying she a gold digger, but she ain’t messin with no broke niggas.” -Kanye West > [@Good Egg](#): > > What kind of world do you live in? This has me stumped. You walk up to a stranger, offer to have sex, then, if all works out, you decide to date? Sounds pretty stupid to me. Your body must not be worth much, then. Seige and I; we are worth waiting for. Basically yeah, what you described. You walk up to a stranger. Ask them out. You have sex once you both are comfortible enough and know you like each other enough - usually a couple of dates. If you like them, you keep seeing them. But sometimes you just want to get laid. It’s like the old saying “why buy the cow if it doesn’t give out any milk?” Besides, if you met me, you and Siege (appropriate name) would think I was so freakin’ awesome you wouldn’t be able to contain yourself for 6 minutes, let alone 6 months. ---
**Author:** ![Good\_Egg](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/g/96bed5/32.png) [@Good\_Egg](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Good_Egg)\ **Post date:** [December 12, 2005, 4:53am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-do-i-find-out-if-shes-a-gold-digger/334770/75 "2005-12-12T04:53:53Z")
lol I would bet a million dollars on that! Trust me, everyone is resistable to me. ---
**Author:** ![clairobscur](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/839c29/32.png) [@clairobscur](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/clairobscur)\ **Post date:** [December 12, 2005, 5:48am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-do-i-find-out-if-shes-a-gold-digger/334770/76 "2005-12-12T05:48:08Z")
> [@John Carter of Mars](#): > > Here’s how it enters in, for me at least: I was once stuck in a relationship with a woman that was financially irresponsible, and didn’t care about trying to contribute _anything at all_ to the set-up. But that’s more of a character’s flaw. You can have a good job and be completely irresponsible. And you be responsible and willing to contribute but have a crappy job or be unemployed. > [@](#): > > She was smart and capable, but if a job wasn’t “fun” she wouldn’t take it, no matter how much of a pay increase would have resulted. I find this perfectly acceptable, and even healthy. Being miserable most of the time in exchange for some more stuff? There’s no way I’m going to fault someone for not making this choice. > [@](#): > > That’s a real drag, especially when she often spent large sums of money on major purchases without discussing it with me ahead of time. That also is a character’s flaw. You can have a poorly paid job, no property and not overspend. > [@](#): > > I did want (and found) someone that would behave in a responsible manner and who was willing to do her fair share. I agree, but it doesn’t seem to me to be the issue we were discussing. I just remembered an example. An ex who disspointed me a lot by telling me once that she wouldn’t settle with someone who didn’t make at least as much as her (Long after we splitted. Nothing to do with our relationship, we were both completely broke at the time). Because she didn’t want her lifestyle to be negatively affected. But isn’t companionship largely worth a negative change in lifestyle? If you fall for someone, how thinking “I won’t be able to take as much vacations in remote places” can change your feelings? Or at the contrary how can the idea that you’ll be able to take vacations in remote places can make you love someone? (I picked the example of vacations because it’s one of this particular woman’s major expenses and I believe she mentionned it during the discussion). ---
**Author:** ![suezeekay](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/839c29/32.png) [@suezeekay](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/suezeekay)\ **Post date:** [December 12, 2005, 6:46am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-do-i-find-out-if-shes-a-gold-digger/334770/77 "2005-12-12T06:46:17Z")
When I was a young girl, like all the other girls I knew, we expected to meet a man, fall in love, get married, have babies and stay at home taking care of them. The man went out and earned the living and the woman worked at home doing everything else (except mowing the lawn). And we weren’t considered gold diggers. But now women have to work, take care of children and the house, etc. I don’t know how they do it. I always read that modern women are totally stretched thin and stessed out all the time. No wonder. If a man doesn’t want children then he should make it clear that he expects his spouse to work so there are no misunderstandings. At the bottom of all this worry is the fact that a generation ago people took it for granted they were getting married for life and now it seems they go into it thinking it is only temporary. Times change. ---
**Author:** ![John\_Carter\_of\_Mars](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/j/2bfe46/32.png) [@John\_Carter\_of\_Mars](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/John_Carter_of_Mars)\ **Post date:** [December 12, 2005, 6:49am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-do-i-find-out-if-shes-a-gold-digger/334770/78 "2005-12-12T06:49:18Z")
**clairobscur** , here’s your original statement: _“… and I can’t really understand how being materially stable (having a good job and personnal property in your example) can enter in the equation.”_ If you’ve ever been with someone that had a “Character Flaw” that made them materially unstable, you’d understand how, the next time, being materially stable and financially responsible would be a major factor in whether you’d want to get seriously involved or not. It turns into an essential part of the equation. At least that’s how it turned out for me. > [@JCoM](#): > > She was smart and capable, but if a job wasn’t “fun” she wouldn’t take it, no matter how much of a pay increase would have resulted. > [@clairobscur](#): > > I find this perfectly acceptable, and even healthy. Being miserable most of the time in exchange for some more stuff? There’s no way I’m going to fault someone for not making this choice. Well and good, but if you have to have a 'fun" job that pays crap, then don’t take your partner’s credit card and max it out on frivolous items without at least discussing it first. ---
**Author:** ![Siege](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/dbc845/32.png) [@Siege](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Siege)\ **Post date:** [December 12, 2005, 10:28am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-do-i-find-out-if-shes-a-gold-digger/334770/79 "2005-12-12T10:28:01Z")
Excuse me while I continue the hijack. **don’t ask, msmith537** , a few years ago, I had an opportunity for a one or two night stand with a man i was definitely highly attracted to and, if I’d been the kind of woman who went in for immediate sex I certainly would have done him and he would have done me. When I met him a few months later, I found out he was married. Since I have very strict views on adultery, if I had had sex with him, the effect on me would have been devastating. I’m glad I didn’t. As for attractiveness, to be honest, most men are attractive to me and my level of physical attraction is variable. If you’re male, odds are good I can be physically attracted to you. A person’s moral character is also an important part of attraction for me, however. If I find your charater unattractive, it doesn’t matter if you look like Antonio Banderas, Pierce Brosnan or Harrison Ford, your going to have all the physical attraction for me the unshaved, unwashed bum sleeping on the street has, if you manage that much. This isn’t a hypothetical; this is based on reality. When I learned the guy in the last paragraph was married, his attractiveness dropped from an 8 to a 0. Physical attraction and compatibility matter to you guys. Fair enough. Go ahead. Have fun. Don’t catch any diseases or knock anyone up. Character matters to me, in part because physical attraction and response can happen with just about anyone on first meeting. So, we won’t date each other. Trust me, **msmith537** , I’ve turned down far more attractive men than you, as recently as last weekend. By the way, **John Carter of Mars** , while I do find your character attractive, I’m afraid I’m very much involved with someone right now. You should have taken your chance a few years ago. Sorry. ☹ CJ ---
**Author:** ![Idlewild](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/i/8491ac/32.png) [@Idlewild](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Idlewild)\ **Post date:** [December 12, 2005, 12:41pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-do-i-find-out-if-shes-a-gold-digger/334770/80 "2005-12-12T12:41:42Z")
> [@Polerius](#): > > I think this is related to the statement “All women are gold-digging whores.” mentioned above by **Campion**. > > Women find ambition attractive. > Men find good looks attractive. > > Of course a nice character and not being a lazy bum are nice to have (_and essential to a long-term relationship_), but those are not what make the woman attractive. Her looks do, primarily. > > It’s possible that women may be hard-wired to be attracted to ambition and success, so they may not be making a conscious decision to go after the money or promise of future money. So they may not conciously be gold-diggers, but the hard-wired attraction to ambition (with its promise of future material success) is de-facto gold-digging attitude. Heh. Which is why I married a musician. They have such amazing financial prospects. Hell if I’m going to let my financial stability and success ride on what a man can make. No thanks. Ambition, particularly toward financial success, just isn’t one of my turn ons. I’ve got career success covered right now, so my husband can afford to chill, take care of our home, work part time, and do other things that interest him. One day I might up and pull out of the rat race too, and I’m sure we’ll get by then, even if we aren’t as financially comfortable as we are now. I don’t think I’m hardwired the same way as these other generalized women, huh? [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-do-i-find-out-if-shes-a-gold-digger/334770.md?page=3) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-do-i-find-out-if-shes-a-gold-digger/334770.md?page=5)