# How do I keep thieves out of my yard? **URL:** \ **Category:** In My Humble Opinion\ **Created:** [January 8, 2006, 10:02pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-do-i-keep-thieves-out-of-my-yard/339051 "2006-01-08T22:02:18Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 3
**Author:** ![Bosda\_Di\_Chi\_of\_Tricor](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/bosda_di_chi_of_tricor/32/16845_2.png) [@Bosda\_Di\_Chi\_of\_Tricor](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Bosda_Di_Chi_of_Tricor)\ **Post date:** [January 9, 2006, 2:33pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-do-i-keep-thieves-out-of-my-yard/339051/41 "2006-01-09T14:33:35Z")
> [@Case Sensitive](#): > > Don’t forget the punji spikes. Shit on the points first - get an adult to help you - so they’ll die slow, agonising deaths as the flesh rots from their bones and their screams will but a foretaste of the agonies of the damned. Then make a large gin and tonic. I wasn’t kidding about the ha-ha. ---
**Author:** ![DougC](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/7feea3/32.png) [@DougC](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/DougC)\ **Post date:** [January 9, 2006, 2:37pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-do-i-keep-thieves-out-of-my-yard/339051/42 "2006-01-09T14:37:31Z")
- - - Sounds like you bought in a crappy area. _Improving_, but still somewhat crappy for the time being… - I would go for the “superior firepower” method as well. That guy who asked about “yardwork” at 11:00 PM was casing your house, sweetie–ignore it at your own risk. - If it were me, I would get a pistol+ammo (if I didn’t have one already) and from now on after dark, if the doorbell rings, first I would pick up the gun, second I would check through the peephole that it wasn’t the police at the door, and third, I would open the door. If _anybody_ other than the police comes to your door at night, **you want them to see you carrying a loaded firearm**. You want to be known as “the crazy lady who likes guns”, not “the lady who lives alone and is easy to steal stuff from”. It might sound kinda paranoid–but do consider this: whoever already stole your stuff (especially the stuff on the porch) probably took a good look _inside_ your house as well. And they probably live within walking distance of your home. ~ ---
**Author:** ![Zsofia](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/z/7bcc69/32.png) [@Zsofia](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Zsofia)\ **Post date:** [January 9, 2006, 2:48pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-do-i-keep-thieves-out-of-my-yard/339051/43 "2006-01-09T14:48:13Z")
The cement-the-yard-ornaments-and-don’t-leave-other-crap-out idea sounds the most workable, until I can maybe save up for a _pretty_ and _period-appropriate_ fence. The thing with flamingoes is, they’re not really the most sturdily-made lawn ornament around, you know? I was planning on altering my new ones (at least gluing the legs into the sockets, for pity’s sake), but I’m afraid that anybody trying to pick up a cemented flamingo would just break the legs off. A cement foundation (probably have to be a tray arrangement, as there’s a lot of spread on flamingo legs) would definately give the added benefit of flamingo stability. My planters with my pansies in them have remained perfectly undisturbed, though. Possibly because they look really freaking heavy but are actually foamcore or something. Also, on the side of the house (aso on the street, as I’m on a corner) I’ve had three very nice birdfeeders with an expensive pole system and a pretty and quite portable birdbath ever since I moved in with no problems. This leads me to believe that my real problem is the traffic on the street to the front of the house. I believe the optical illusion of the ha ha is only attainable if you have more distance between the house and street than I do, I’m afraid. **Kalhoun** , I hadn’t thought about that aspect of leaving ladders out. I figured the front porch windows are so inviting to thieves that I could concentrate my security efforts on those rooms, but… well, I’ve learned my lesson about ladders. I still can’t believe they took the oldest, rustiest wheelbarrow east of the Mississippi, though. ---
**Author:** ![Kalhoun](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/k/3bc359/32.png) [@Kalhoun](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Kalhoun)\ **Post date:** [January 9, 2006, 3:00pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-do-i-keep-thieves-out-of-my-yard/339051/44 "2006-01-09T15:00:37Z")
> [@Zsofia](#): > > **Kalhoun** , I hadn’t thought about that aspect of leaving ladders out. I figured the front porch windows are so inviting to thieves that I could concentrate my security efforts on those rooms, but… well, I’ve learned my lesson about ladders. I still can’t believe they took the oldest, rustiest wheelbarrow east of the Mississippi, though. The only wheelbarrow we’ve been able to afford lately is the shitty plastic kind. I bet they had the same one and thought that at least a metal one lets you transport stuff from point a to point b. They’re a treasure! Re: the ladder thing. The people across the street have a little building out near the road. I guess they’ve been working on it, because there’s a ladder leaning up against it. Three little kids were climbing up onto this guy’s roof yesterday. Ladders just beg for trouble. ---
**Author:** ![phall0106](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/phall0106/32/5934_2.png) [@phall0106](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/phall0106)\ **Post date:** [January 9, 2006, 3:08pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-do-i-keep-thieves-out-of-my-yard/339051/45 "2006-01-09T15:08:42Z")
I also live in an “improving” neighborhood, and I’ve found that the only thing that works is motion sensored lighting. It also helps if the neighbors think you’re crazy (as in “crazy dangerous” not “crazy silly”). Signs do NOT work (do you think they actually take the time to read them—assuming they can see them/read), so don’t waste your money, unless you’ve got an alarm system on your house. In that case, make sure you’ve posted stick on signs on EACH WINDOW. I would also agree with **DougC** that those same people stealing the stuff out of your yard have also taken some in-depth peeps into your house through your windows and it’s only a matter of time before they decide to help themselves to what’s inside. If you have alarm system, set it always. (And for crying out loud, make sure your basement–if you have one–is secured!) Oh, and don’t leave anything out in your yard that you wish to keep. Some people have no respect for the property of others. ---
**Author:** ![dietmountaindewster](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/eb9ed0/32.png) [@dietmountaindewster](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/dietmountaindewster)\ **Post date:** [January 9, 2006, 3:09pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-do-i-keep-thieves-out-of-my-yard/339051/46 "2006-01-09T15:09:31Z")
> [@DougC](#): > > - > - > - Sounds like you bought in a crappy area. _Improving_, but still somewhat crappy for the time being… > > - I would go for the “superior firepower” method as well. That guy who asked about “yardwork” at 11:00 PM was casing your house, sweetie–ignore it at your own risk. > > - If it were me, I would get a pistol+ammo (if I didn’t have one already) and from now on after dark, if the doorbell rings, first I would pick up the gun, second I would check through the peephole that it wasn’t the police at the door, and third, I would open the door. If _anybody_ other than the police comes to your door at night, **you want them to see you carrying a loaded firearm**. You want to be known as “the crazy lady who likes guns”, not “the lady who lives alone and is easy to steal stuff from”. It might sound kinda paranoid–but do consider this: whoever already stole your stuff (especially the stuff on the porch) probably took a good look _inside_ your house as well. And they probably live within walking distance of your home. > ~ Dang, I am a man and you just scared the heck out of me! ---
**Author:** ![Zsofia](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/z/7bcc69/32.png) [@Zsofia](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Zsofia)\ **Post date:** [January 9, 2006, 9:18pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-do-i-keep-thieves-out-of-my-yard/339051/47 "2006-01-09T21:18:08Z")
I do set the alarm system when I’m away and at night. I do have a shotgun, actually, but I keep it in the bedroom where I can grab it in a hurry. I’ve also got a dog (although he’s small and elderly, but quite frisky for his age) and a boyfriend who’s over a lot. What I really want is a garage so it isn’t so painfully obvious if I’m at home or not, but the historical people are being a real pain. I don’t even know if it’s that they want to say no or that they just don’t like to call people back! The only time the doorbell has rung at night was the “yardwork” guy - actually, I get a _lot_ of vagrant types asking for yardwork when I’m out in the yard on the weekends. Evidently it’s an endemic problem on my street - got an e-mail about it from the neighborhood association. The people who lived here before me sometimes paid people to do work, also, which is _never_ something I’d do. ---
**Author:** ![MacTech](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/c0e974/32.png) [@MacTech](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/MacTech)\ **Post date:** [January 9, 2006, 10:09pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-do-i-keep-thieves-out-of-my-yard/339051/48 "2006-01-09T22:09:25Z")
what i’d do is get some tempting bait (more pink flamingos or other stuff that gets stolen regularly) sink the legs in concrete as suggested above, then wire up the flamingo body with thin electric fence wiring, connect the armed flamingos (band name!) to a “weedburner” electric fence charger, these are the nastiest, most powerful EF units made, they’re designed to kill weeds that touch the fence wire by burning them away with a powerful electric current, i’ve been zapped by a weedburner, and it _hurts_ secondly, get a realistic mockup of a severed human head (costume supply store/haloween mask), put it on a spike with a sign stating “robber” of course, all of this will be in addition to the security camera and motion sensing lights ---
**Author:** ![Magiver](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/4491bb/32.png) [@Magiver](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Magiver)\ **Post date:** [January 9, 2006, 11:06pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-do-i-keep-thieves-out-of-my-yard/339051/49 "2006-01-09T23:06:41Z")
Obviously you can’t leave anything out and expect to see it again. It’s not woth the time and effort to get pissed off at petty theives. Plant nice bushes next to your window in place of flamingos. If you have a 2 story house hang a flamingo flag from the 2nd story. When I was building my garage there was a point where it consisted of 4 walls and no roof. I connected a cheap camera to my VCR and just let it run during the day. If you need 24 hr survelance then you will have to get a VCR that time stamps the image. Otherwise it cannot be accepted as evidence. You can usually buy these at Sam’s or Cosco’s. You’ll need the kind with infrared lights built in them for night time use. The barking dogs are another thread. Cheapest solution is to buy earplugs for sleeping. ---
**Author:** ![sturmhauke](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/e47c2d/32.png) [@sturmhauke](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/sturmhauke)\ **Post date:** [January 9, 2006, 11:17pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-do-i-keep-thieves-out-of-my-yard/339051/50 "2006-01-09T23:17:18Z")
I suggest you get a trained alligator and some ninjas. ---
**Author:** ![Scissorjack](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/c67d28/32.png) [@Scissorjack](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Scissorjack)\ **Post date:** [January 10, 2006, 1:59am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-do-i-keep-thieves-out-of-my-yard/339051/51 "2006-01-10T01:59:55Z")
> [@Bosda Di'Chi of Tricor](#): > > I wasn’t kidding about the ha-ha. Oh, nor would I be: I’d look down and watch them writhing and screaming in the throes of unimaginable torment, and I’d sip my G&T and murmur a satisfied, “Ha-ha.” ---
**Author:** ![Shirley\_Ujest](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/45deac/32.png) [@Shirley\_Ujest](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Shirley_Ujest)\ **Post date:** [January 10, 2006, 4:38am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-do-i-keep-thieves-out-of-my-yard/339051/52 "2006-01-10T04:38:52Z")
Around the windows, rosebushes are your friend and protector. If you have a friend that is with the NRA, a couple of their window stickers stating you are a member, promentantly displayed on the front windows and the back of your car can be a useful mental deterrant. A good way to get people to leave you alone is by posting obscure sections of the bible ( fire & brimstoney stuff) on signs in your yard. One of loony neighbors does that and…um…no bothers them at all. I wonder why. Work outside with a t-shirt on that says, " Ask me about my cats!" that should drive anyone with a brain away. or [this](http://www.teestains.com/i_poke_badgers_with_spoons.html)will make them go :dubious: Although, I cannot compete with **sturmhawks** brilliance of a trained alligator and some ninjas. ---
**Author:** ![sturmhauke](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/e47c2d/32.png) [@sturmhauke](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/sturmhauke)\ **Post date:** [January 10, 2006, 10:31am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-do-i-keep-thieves-out-of-my-yard/339051/53 "2006-01-10T10:31:53Z")
> [@Shirley Ujest](#): > > Although, I cannot compete with **sturmhawks** brilliance of a trained alligator and some ninjas. Why, thank you. 😃 Seriously though, I like that one suggestion of printing ink and axle grease. Perhaps you could fill a flamingo with the mixture and rig it to break open if someone picks it up. You could also try lots and lots of cacti, nettles, and/or thistles, depending on your local climate. Blackberry brambles might work well too. ---
**Author:** ![Cheez\_Whia](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/d26b3c/32.png) [@Cheez\_Whia](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Cheez_Whia)\ **Post date:** [January 10, 2006, 2:16pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-do-i-keep-thieves-out-of-my-yard/339051/54 "2006-01-10T14:16:18Z")
For your vegetable garden, you can get motion-sensor activated sprinklers, marketed toward people who have problems with deer or cats. They come in your garden, they get hosed. Just turn off the water when you are working. Nothin’ can piss you off worse that someone stealin’ yore 'maters! However, they can have all the zucchini they can haul away in that stolen wheelbarrow. There will always be more than enough for everyone! 😃 ---
**Author:** ![Mangetout](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/mangetout/32/19_2.png) [@Mangetout](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Mangetout)\ **Post date:** [January 10, 2006, 2:30pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-do-i-keep-thieves-out-of-my-yard/339051/55 "2006-01-10T14:30:34Z")
> [@sturmhauke](#): > > Seriously though, I like that one suggestion of printing ink and axle grease. Thanks; I used to work in a place where they had blobs of the stuff placed strategically on would-be handholds if anyone tried to climb over a (tall) internal mesh fence into a high value goods area. We used to call it ‘Man-Eating Ink’ because you get the tiniest blob on your hand and before you know it, you’re covered in the stuff; any effort to wipe it off only spreads it around and makes it more conspicuous. ---
**Author:** ![Zsofia](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/z/7bcc69/32.png) [@Zsofia](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Zsofia)\ **Post date:** [January 10, 2006, 4:28pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-do-i-keep-thieves-out-of-my-yard/339051/56 "2006-01-10T16:28:40Z")
But, don’t you see the problem with the alligator? You’d have to build a stupid fence to keep him in! Otherwise he’d be somebody _else’s_ alligator! Also he’d probably eat my tomatoes. Did I mention I’m planting five different kinds of heirloom tomatoes? I’d hesitate to use overhead sprinklers like that 'cause overhead watering is bad for them, isn’t it? I’ve got a drip irrigation system I’m going to expand to go to the raised beds I’m going to build for my vegetable garden. ---
**Author:** ![Zsofia](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/z/7bcc69/32.png) [@Zsofia](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Zsofia)\ **Post date:** [January 10, 2006, 4:30pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-do-i-keep-thieves-out-of-my-yard/339051/57 "2006-01-10T16:30:24Z")
I just realized it rains from overhead. Never mind me. :smack: ---
**Author:** ![Wile\_E](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/w/c37758/32.png) [@Wile\_E](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Wile_E)\ **Post date:** [January 10, 2006, 5:01pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-do-i-keep-thieves-out-of-my-yard/339051/58 "2006-01-10T17:01:09Z")
I will agree with the security cameras, they are getting much more affordable. Couple with motion sensor lights and even if the thieves do follow through and take things at least you’ll have them on camera. As for fencing, a nice picket fence about 4 feet tall with pointy things at the top might be enough of a discouragement to people. The threat of catching sensitive bits on the pointy things while climbing over may be a good deterrent. You could also have a complicated or locking gate that no one can easily open. Perhaps install a door bell at the gate for wanted visitors. Or if you get the cameras make sure that it can be seen from the gate. I had someone break into my house last year and steal the only things I had of value, they were irreplaceable and worth more in sentimental value, they were two rings that belonged to each of my grandmother’s. I can never replace these and they were traded for crack so they will probably never turn up in a pawn shop either. The guy who robbed me was a neighborhood guy in his 50’s who did yard work for me. The only reason I trusted him to begin with is that he knew a neighbor one house over and that guy seemed very trustworthy and helpful (he’d repair lawn mowers and test them on my front lawn so I didn’t have to mow). Turns out that the guy stole from him, too. I keep kicking myself for even having left those rings in a jewelry box - I had intended to lock them up but put it off until it was too late. If you do have anything small of value, put them in a hidden safe. Good luck with your house, I hope your neighbors move soon. ---
**Author:** ![DougC](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/7feea3/32.png) [@DougC](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/DougC)\ **Post date:** [January 10, 2006, 6:34pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-do-i-keep-thieves-out-of-my-yard/339051/59 "2006-01-10T18:34:30Z")
- - - Regarding the barking dogs–it may not be of much use here but if they take the dogs in at night then one of the best tricks you can do is to feed the dogs chili during the daytime while the people aren’t around. Then at night they take the dogs inside and while the people are asleep, the dogs get the runs and crap everywhere all over inside the house. ~ ---
**Author:** ![Martin\_Hyde](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/47e85d/32.png) [@Martin\_Hyde](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Martin_Hyde)\ **Post date:** [January 10, 2006, 6:39pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-do-i-keep-thieves-out-of-my-yard/339051/60 "2006-01-10T18:39:55Z")
> [@Zsofia](#): > > You know, I was thinking at dinner, didn’t we once have a thread here on front yard fencing? Where we all learned that it’s a regional thing, and that in some places everybody has it and in other places only the real ghetto fences front yards? Well, here only the real ghetto fences front yards. > > The trench would be a great idea, not to mention get rid of some of my grass, but I think the city (not to mention the historical commission) might object. > > You know, I hadn’t _thought_ I could anchor flamingos, since they’re kinda flimsy and their legs are just stuck into little holes in them, but I bet if I drilled a little hole, maybe that tree anchor thing would work! Still no promise that anything _else_ wouldn’t walk off, like a tomato or a crinum, though. > > It looks like some sort of decorative fencing is the sad and only solution. That makes me so _angry_! I don’t even know if the historical commission will allow it, and it looks all ghetto, and it’s expensive, and even if I got the nice vinyl stuff I don’t know how hard it’s gonna be to match the style and scale of the house. Especially since it would have to go all the way down to do any good. I am so filled with grr I can barely speak! Also I couldn’t do any fencing until I know about the stupid garage, as that would change where it would go. > > But another security light, _that_ might be arrangeable. And some lawn ornament tie-downs. Perhaps I should take a hint from the good people of New Orleans and spray paint “You loot, we shoot!” on my house? Or maybe “Beware of bear traps!” I hate to break it to you but you live in the Ghetto. I can’t imagine living in a neighborhood where homeless people are able to just walk up to the door anytime they want, and where people steal out of your front yard. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-do-i-keep-thieves-out-of-my-yard/339051.md?page=2) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-do-i-keep-thieves-out-of-my-yard/339051.md?page=4)