# How do I word this? Need some help. **URL:** \ **Category:** Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share\ **Created:** [August 29, 2003, 11:56am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-do-i-word-this-need-some-help/198407 "2003-08-29T11:56:11Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 14\ **Page:** 2
**Author:** ![Gazelle](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/g/b4bc9f/32.png) [@Gazelle](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Gazelle)\ **Post date:** [August 29, 2003, 8:16pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-do-i-word-this-need-some-help/198407/21 "2003-08-29T20:16:24Z")
He’s pissed and thinks it sucks. He’s definitely on my side. When the first incident happened back in 1998, he told me he would cut off all contact with them, if that’s what I wanted. MIL always has an explanation for FIL’s behavior. Rocking the boat is the last thing she would want me to do. After several hours of thinking about this, I’m not sure what I’m going to do. I need to talk to El Hubbo about it, definitely. I’m 99% sure I want to send the letter; a friend suggested simplifying it and saying something like “This is what you did. This is how I felt. Do you have a problem with me? Or am I making something out of nothing?” ---
**Author:** ![auntie\_em](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/5e9695/32.png) [@auntie\_em](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/auntie_em)\ **Post date:** [August 29, 2003, 8:24pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-do-i-word-this-need-some-help/198407/22 "2003-08-29T20:24:04Z")
My only (mildly) comparable experience is from the other side of the fence. When my sister got married (I’ll spare you the details, but suffice it to say, her engagement announcement came as a shock to her family, and we’d never even met this guy), my mom insisted that her fiance sign a pre-nup. Mind you, my sister (and I) don’t exactly stand to rake it in and live like queens, but we’ve got some money coming when my mother ceases to grace this earth, and my mom didn’t want my sister’s future husband to lay claim to it. She didn’t figure he’d stick around (and actually he has, but I don’t know if she’s exactly thrilled about that, either). After a short period of not speaking to my sister, he eventually agreed to it. Fast forward to 2003, when Auntie EM and SkipMagic decide to fly off to Vegas like two crazy kids and get hitched. I wondered if my mother would say anything about a pre-nup; although I know she likes and approves of Skip, I figured she’d play the “Fairness” card, and request that he sign one as well, just for appearances. She didn’t. Then, like two weeks ago, she mentioned (during a casual phone conversation) that she needed to change her will to read something like “children _in body_” as opposed to just “children” in terms of inheritance. “That way,” she declared, “Skip won’t have to sign a prenup.” Uhhh, hello . . . We were already married by then, which I pointed out, and added that even if we weren’t, I’d give up my share of the loot before I’d make such a request of him. “Oh, I’d never ask it of him _either_,” she declared. Then, um, WHY are we having this conversation? At any rate, the point is that as a person who’s sort of on the other side of a somewhat-but-not-really similar scenario, I kind of feel like **Mr. Gazelle** should be going to bat for you, here. Granted, your situation is more complicated than mine, but how _does_ Mr. G. feel about this, knowing that it hurts you? Do you think he might be willing to talk to his parents about this, or is this really something you want to do yourself? ---
**Author:** ![Gadfly](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/g/aeb1de/32.png) [@Gadfly](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Gadfly)\ **Post date:** [August 29, 2003, 8:35pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-do-i-word-this-need-some-help/198407/23 "2003-08-29T20:35:28Z")
Being that I’m a not-particularly-intelligent teenager, I don’t have much worthy advice to give. All I can say: Good luck. I hope you can get through this with your relationship to your in-laws, and your sanity, intact. You’ll be in my odd agnostic prayers. AND If it doesn’t work out, and you need someone to scream the Og-forsaken ears off MIL and FIL, just let me know. 😃 ---
**Author:** ![ENugent](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/4af34b/32.png) [@ENugent](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/ENugent)\ **Post date:** [August 29, 2003, 8:40pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-do-i-word-this-need-some-help/198407/24 "2003-08-29T20:40:38Z")
I wouldn’t bring up the whole “I’ve been holding this in since 1998” thing. Right now, you are unhappy because your MIL doesn’t trust you enough to give you a POA. It’s bringing back the bit from 1998, but there’s no point in giving them the impression that you’ve been stewing about this constantly for five years. Even if you mention it, you definitely shouldn’t lead with it. They’ll get one sentence into the letter and say “WTF!? She’s mad at us about something we did five years ago, and she’s just bringing it up now?” And then they’ll be hostile about the rest of it. I would instead say something like this: > [@](#): > > Dear MIL and FIL, > > I’m confused by why MIL feels that it’s unreasonable to give me a power of attorney for the purpose of refinancing our house. I’ve considered you both to be family members for 14 years, and this feels like an expression of a lack of trust to me, as though you think I’m a teenager who’s going to go run up your credit cards, or a “temporary” fixture in El Hubbo’s life, who can’t be trusted not to run off on a moment’s notice. Is that really how you feel about me? What can I do to earn your trust? > > I was also confused and hurt by your request that I sign a promissory note back when we bought the house, but I decided not to say anything at that time, hoping that it was just a misunderstanding. But now it seems as though I haven’t made any progress at all. > > Have I done something to upset you or make you feel that I’m not a “real” family member? Do you really think that El Hubbo’s and my marriage is so weak, after all these years? Or am I reading things into this that just aren’t there? Good luck. This is a tough situation. (By the way, it may not be a lack of trust or any of those things. It may just be a different attitude about how you “paper” money transactions between family members). ---
**Author:** ![ivylass](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/i/9de053/32.png) [@ivylass](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/ivylass)\ **Post date:** [August 29, 2003, 8:43pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-do-i-word-this-need-some-help/198407/25 "2003-08-29T20:43:12Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by Gazelle \* > \*\*He’s pissed and thinks it sucks. He’s definitely on my side. \*\* Then let him talk to his parents. Tell him how much this has hurt you, and how you want to get this resolved, and he needs to talk to his mom and find out what’s going on. ---
**Author:** ![Psifireus](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/ed8c4c/32.png) [@Psifireus](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Psifireus)\ **Post date:** [August 29, 2003, 8:58pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-do-i-word-this-need-some-help/198407/26 "2003-08-29T20:58:42Z")
Posted by **Ivylass** : > [@](#): > > …If El Hubbo talks to his folks, then it will appear that you and he are a united front. I agree 100% with Ivylass. In order for the in-laws to come around they have to see that their son backs you 100%. I think you both should approach them together, first chance you get. If that isn’t until Thanksgiving, all the better. This gives you time to plan out what you want to say. Have him do the talking and be logical, concise, persuassive and decisive. I wouldn’t even ask them how they felt about me, only tell them how you expect to be treated. I bet **spingears** is right, though and it had as much to do with the _type_ of POA as it did _who_ they gave POA to. No matter what they say, you will feel better for having stood up for yourself and your marriage will be stronger for having hubby stand up for you as well. I definately would not send an email unless it was from both of you. Good luck! Keep us posted. ---
**Author:** ![sperfur](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/a9adbd/32.png) [@sperfur](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/sperfur)\ **Post date:** [August 29, 2003, 9:02pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-do-i-word-this-need-some-help/198407/27 "2003-08-29T21:02:17Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by Gazelle \* > **They also suggested using the phrase "I’m confused."** I learned this one in a seminar. As an alternative/more empowering phrase than ‘I’m confused’ - try ‘I’m puzzled’. Good luck! ---
**Author:** ![peri](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/67e7ee/32.png) [@peri](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/peri)\ **Post date:** [August 29, 2003, 9:49pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-do-i-word-this-need-some-help/198407/28 "2003-08-29T21:49:00Z")
I like your friend’s suggestion. This really may just be the way hubby’s family deals with money issues. If you decide to send this letter, please put it on paper and mail it. Yes, we all use email, but it seems too informal for the circumstances. ---
**Author:** ![Gazelle](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/g/b4bc9f/32.png) [@Gazelle](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Gazelle)\ **Post date:** [September 2, 2003, 7:01pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-do-i-word-this-need-some-help/198407/29 "2003-09-02T19:01:26Z")
Update: I feel much better about things. Partially because of how cathartic it was to write all of this stuff out. I talked with El Hubbo and his first reaction was, “Oh, don’t do that!” Not surpising. His theory is that his parents are still angry with him for 1) not completing college and 2) running off and marrying me. “They don’t even trust me, why should they trust you?” He doesn’t believe that what they’re doing is rational or justified, but he sees their twisted reasoning. He believes that confronting them will yield lies upon lies from them about how they _ **do** _ trust me and they _ **do** _ love me… Excuses will be offered, blah blah blah Anyway, I told El Hubbo that I would wait until we have completed our refinancing to send it, if I do at all. I probably will, though. I feel stifled and fake. I don’t like having a disingenuous relationship with them. _I know you don’t like me, you know you don’t like me, but I’ll still call you by the terms of endearment that your children use and I’ll still make small talk with you…_ That is already old. ---
**Author:** ![White\_Lightning](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/w/f04885/32.png) [@White\_Lightning](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/White_Lightning)\ **Post date:** [September 2, 2003, 9:07pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-do-i-word-this-need-some-help/198407/30 "2003-09-02T21:07:58Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by \*\*Gazelle \*\*\* > He believes that confronting them will yield lies upon lies from them about how they _ **do** _ trust me and they _ **do** _ love me… Excuses will be offered, blah blah blah When I read your initial draft, I was going to suggest that you leave out the “Do you care about me at all?” for that very reason… ---
**Author:** ![Gazelle](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/g/b4bc9f/32.png) [@Gazelle](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Gazelle)\ **Post date:** [September 2, 2003, 10:26pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-do-i-word-this-need-some-help/198407/31 "2003-09-02T22:26:11Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by Gadfly \* > \*\*Being that I’m a not-particularly-intelligent teenager, I don’t have much worthy advice to give. All I can say: > > Good luck. I hope you can get through this with your relationship to your in-laws, and your sanity, intact. You’ll be in my odd agnostic prayers. > > AND > > If it doesn’t work out, and you need someone to scream the Og-forsaken ears off MIL and FIL, just let me know. 😃 \*\* I didn’t notice all of the kind replies… **Gadfly** , you are a sweetie. The fact that a teenager gives a crap about me and my situation at all makes me feel so good. Ya see, once you’re north of 25 or so, teenagers seem to ignore or roll their eyes at you a lot. 🙂 Thanks. **auntie em** , I hear you. It is complicated. I like my SIL and BIL a lot and am almost willing to head off to another Thanksgiving from Hell just to see them. I can see El Hubbo having a conversation with his mother about this thing but not his father. Bah. It makes me tired, even thinking about this anymore. Maybe it’s not worth it. I don’t know. I’ll wait 'til after the refinance and see how it goes. Thank you, all of you, for your kind attention and advice. What a wonderful resource the people of Doperdom are. Big hugs to each and every one of you. ---
**Author:** ![thatDDperson](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/9de0a6/32.png) [@thatDDperson](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/thatDDperson)\ **Post date:** [September 3, 2003, 7:49am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-do-i-word-this-need-some-help/198407/32 "2003-09-03T07:49:02Z")
Gazelle, all you need is a limited power of attorney for the express purpose of signing the refinance. It can be limited to that one issue, and for that one day. If the MIL won’t grant it, have the spouse tell her to get her sad ass on a plane, come to the signing and sign and then go home. My in-laws did all that kind of crap and worse, then when the late spouse died, they tried to take everything we had, including a half-paid-for car that the lienholder finally had to tell them they had no legal title to. It sounds harsh, but for your protection, please make sure you and husband have wills to protect YOU from them in the event of his untimely death. ---
**Author:** ![Amberlei](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/e56c9b/32.png) [@Amberlei](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Amberlei)\ **Post date:** [September 3, 2003, 10:26am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-do-i-word-this-need-some-help/198407/33 "2003-09-03T10:26:48Z")
I’d second what ThatDDperson and Springears said, and ask for a limited power of attorney. I know I would be extremely hesitant to give anyone at all power of attorney without the stipulation that it’s of a limited duration and only applies to one particular transaction. If you requested other, then hate to say it, but I’d be on your MIL’s side. It wouldn’t be because I don’t trust you or like you, per se, but because I’m a cautious person. If it’s any consolation, I would be very unlikely to give my son unlimited power of attorney either. The thing is, they really have done you such a tremendous favor by helping out with the down payment. Maybe you guys could pay that back and then have your FIL taken off the title and then not have to worry about this in the future. Just a suggestion and my 2 cents worth. ---
**Author:** ![Gazelle](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/g/b4bc9f/32.png) [@Gazelle](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Gazelle)\ **Post date:** [September 3, 2003, 12:46pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-do-i-word-this-need-some-help/198407/34 "2003-09-03T12:46:41Z")
The POA we have for my FIL _ **is** _ a limited one. I suppose that there is a chance she doesn’t know that it’s so specific. I sent her a copy yesterday; we’ll see what she says when she gets it. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-do-i-word-this-need-some-help/198407.md?page=1)