# How do parents adjust after leaving a child in a hot car? **URL:** \ **Category:** Factual Questions\ **Created:** [June 4, 2013, 5:46pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-do-parents-adjust-after-leaving-a-child-in-a-hot-car/660133 "2013-06-04T17:46:21Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 5
**Author:** ![stui\_magpie](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/stui_magpie/32/11010_2.png) [@stui\_magpie](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/stui_magpie)\ **Post date:** [June 6, 2013, 3:49am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-do-parents-adjust-after-leaving-a-child-in-a-hot-car/660133/81 "2013-06-06T03:49:44Z")
> [@Rhodes](#): > > No excuse, of course. No one here is saying “You killed a child? Okay, you’re excused.” But there are _reasons_ for accidents, and there are _events_ that lead up to accidents. In particular, people get into routines. Then there’s a kid in the car, but they follow the usual routine in which there _wasn’t_ a kid in the car. Remember that time when you were supposed to turn right, but your mind had switched to auto-pilot and you kept going straight because you drive through this intersection every morning and you always go straight? IANANeurologist, but I’m pretty sure I read somewhere that there’s a name for it. [Highway hypnosis](http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Highway_hypnosis), maybe? It’s EXACTLY the same mistake, and everyone does it, and in rare cases something tragic happens. > \*\*So I had an accident once, and thus I’m an attempted murderer. \*\*Oh, I also crashed a car once which could have been fatal. It was inexcusable and stupid. Clearly my intentions were murderous. So I’m an attempted mass-murderer. 'Cuz it’s obviously useful to call people murderers when they have accidents. Also, please go [del]fu[/del]have a nice day. No, you had an accident once and you’re a bloody lucky boy that it didn’t end up a hell of a lot worse. I bet you never made that mistake again. ---
**Author:** ![Chef\_Troy](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/85f322/32.png) [@Chef\_Troy](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Chef_Troy)\ **Post date:** [June 6, 2013, 3:51am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-do-parents-adjust-after-leaving-a-child-in-a-hot-car/660133/82 "2013-06-06T03:51:14Z")
> [@stui\_magpie](#): > > For all those who commented on my previous post, yes I did read the article, no it didn’t change my opinion. > > There’s a difference between making a calculated decision to leave a sleeping child in a car while you run a very short errand (again I’m talking 2 minutes, pay for petrol, mail a letter, grab milk or bread from a convenience store where there’s no queues) and actually forgetting that the kid is in the car and leaving them there. > > Yes it obviously does happen, and the parents are also obviously distraught about it afterwards, I just don’t believe there are any excuses for it. My opinion on the matter used to be about halfway between the harsh reaction I’m seeing in your posts and the more compassionate takes I’m seeing from some other posters in this thread – I certainly didn’t consider these parents murderers, but neither could I comprehend how someone could forget a child like that. If asked back then, I would have said that the lifetime of guilt such parents felt was completely deserved and that they weren’t really entitled to forgiveness. Reading the linked article, which I did some time ago, changed my stance to complete compassion. As I started reading it, I first realized that just because I didn’t UNDERSTAND how someone could forget their child in the car, that didn’t mean there WAS no “how”… and then the article took me the rest of the way and explained it so that I DID understand. As for your assertion that deliberately leaving a child in the car while you run an errand or something is better in some way than leaving them there by accident… sorry, I can’t agree, and you sound more defensive than anything else. Since it’s apparently true confessions time in this thread, I’ll share a story of my own. When my son was six, I had to run to the convenience store for something, and he asked if he could come along (my wife was home – we’d just bought our house and she was unpacking while I was getting … something, I don’t remember what. Anyway, I took him along and off we went. When I got to the convenience store, I looked in the back and realized he’d fallen asleep. I didn’t want to wake him, so I decided to leave him where he was; I had the bright idea of leaving the car running with the AC on, but locking the doors. I took the remote key fob with me to let myself back in when I came out of the C-store. I ran my errand and came back out. At which point I discovered that the key fob would NOT unlock the doors while the motor was running. :eek: I had a sleeping kid in the car, the engine running, and I was locked out! Fortunately, my wife was home, as I mentioned. I had to call her and confess what I’d done, then stand by and take as many you’re-a-moron’s as she felt like giving me when she came to unlock the door. Because I deserved every one of them, and I knew it. So you see, there are so many things that can go wrong, there’s really just NO justification for leaving a kid unattended in a car. (What if a drunk driver came along and crashed into your parked car? I’ve seen it happen with my own eyes.) Say whatever you like about the poor parents in that article, at least they didn’t do it deliberately – and if YOUR streak of luck runs out, the fact that you considered the odds to be in your favor won’t matter. I hope it never happens to you – the cost would be too high just to knock the smug out of your attitude on this subject. ---
**Author:** ![Tequila\_Party](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/a6a055/32.png) [@Tequila\_Party](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Tequila_Party)\ **Post date:** [June 6, 2013, 4:56am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-do-parents-adjust-after-leaving-a-child-in-a-hot-car/660133/83 "2013-06-06T04:56:32Z")
> [@stui\_magpie](#): > > For all those who commented on my previous post, yes I did read the article, no it didn’t change my opinion. > > There’s a difference between making a calculated decision to leave a sleeping child in a car while you run a very short errand (again I’m talking 2 minutes, pay for petrol, mail a letter, grab milk or bread from a convenience store where there’s no queues) and actually forgetting that the kid is in the car and leaving them there. > > Yes it obviously does happen, and the parents are also obviously distraught about it afterwards, I just don’t believe there are any excuses for it. And your piss poor attitude is _exactly_ why you could easily be one of the people this happens to. Unbelievable. ---
**Author:** ![Gbro](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/g/c6cbf5/32.png) [@Gbro](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Gbro)\ **Post date:** [June 6, 2013, 5:14am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-do-parents-adjust-after-leaving-a-child-in-a-hot-car/660133/84 "2013-06-06T05:14:29Z")
> [@panache45](#): > > Here’s a suggestion that occurred to me while reading the article. > > Keep a huge, bright stuffed animal in the back seat of your car. Every time you put your kid in his car seat, put the animal in the front passenger seat, with the seat belt around it. Only put the animal there when your child is in his car seat. When you’re getting out of the car, you’re more likely to notice the animal than an empty seat. You’ll know right away that your kid’s still in the car. > > Does this make sense? Is this something like what some people already do? This very suggestion that occured to you was posted in the linked story, > [@](#): > > Ways to Help Prevent a Tragedy > Several products are available to remind a parent if a child remains in a car seat after the car is turned off. One of the more popular is Cars-N-Kids Car Seat Monitor, which turns on upon sensing a child’s weight and sounds a lullaby when the car has stopped; it retails for about $40 and is available online. > [KidsAndCars.org](http://KidsAndCars.org), an advocacy group for child vehicle safety, urges some basic measures to prevent the tragedy of children being inadvertently left in vehicles: > > Always put something you’ll need for work – cellphone, handbag, employee badge, etc. – on the floor of the back seat, near the child. > > Keep a large teddy bear in the child’s car seat when it’s not occupied. When the child is placed in the seat, put the teddy bear up front in the passenger seat. It’s a visual reminder that anytime the teddy bear is in the passenger seat, the child is in the back. > > Make arrangements with your child’s day-care provider or babysitter that you will always call them if your child will not be there on a particular day as scheduled. Ask them to always phone you if your child does not show up when expected. I think the problem is some reviewed the second link but the first one had the complete story. and i am reminded several times a year how close i was to loosing a 7 year old Grandson on my watch! My heart goes out for the parents of children lost to actions they are responcible for. ☹ And to all parents that have lost young ones. When my wife and i made the decision to make birth control permenant, my Father asked what we might do if we were to loose one or more of our 3, and at that time i fired back at him with, “Am I just a sit in replacement for my older brother”? back then with 9 of us sitting around the table, it was hard to notice if one or two were missing and it surly would have been easier to deal with a loss. ---
**Author:** ![Kimstu](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/k/ecd19e/32.png) [@Kimstu](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Kimstu)\ **Post date:** [June 6, 2013, 5:47am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-do-parents-adjust-after-leaving-a-child-in-a-hot-car/660133/85 "2013-06-06T05:47:57Z")
> [@stui\_magpie](#): > > Yes it obviously does happen, and the parents are also obviously distraught about it afterwards, I just don’t believe there are any excuses for it. Nobody’s making any excuses for it. We’re just pointing out the simple fact that such accidents do sometimes happen, even in the case of intelligent, loving, conscientious parents. Heaping scorn and blame on the parents is a way of distancing yourself from such tragedies, so you can feel psychologically reassured that such a thing could never possibly happen to you. ---
**Author:** ![TokyoBayer](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/tokyobayer/32/13989_2.png) [@TokyoBayer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/TokyoBayer)\ **Post date:** [June 6, 2013, 6:21am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-do-parents-adjust-after-leaving-a-child-in-a-hot-car/660133/86 "2013-06-06T06:21:32Z")
This is the nightmare of parents, doing something stupid which causes the loss of a child. I don’t really want to go back and reread that article. Once was enough. The first time I read it, somehow I had felt that it could never happen to me. I guess the longer I’m a parent, the more I realize I’m just lucky, not special. ---
**Author:** ![stui\_magpie](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/stui_magpie/32/11010_2.png) [@stui\_magpie](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/stui_magpie)\ **Post date:** [June 6, 2013, 6:55am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-do-parents-adjust-after-leaving-a-child-in-a-hot-car/660133/87 "2013-06-06T06:55:16Z")
> [@Tequila\_Party](#): > > And your piss poor attitude is _exactly_ why you could easily be one of the people this happens to. Unbelievable. Thanks for the feedback regarding your perception of my attitude. Considering my kids are now in their 20’s I very much doubt it will happen to me any time soon. ---
**Author:** ![Kimstu](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/k/ecd19e/32.png) [@Kimstu](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Kimstu)\ **Post date:** [June 6, 2013, 7:03am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-do-parents-adjust-after-leaving-a-child-in-a-hot-car/660133/88 "2013-06-06T07:03:10Z")
> [@stui\_magpie](#): > > Considering my kids are now in their 20’s I very much doubt it will happen to me any time soon. Unsurprising; most people find that it never happens to them, ever. What this thread and the linked article are about is understanding _how_ it happens on the rare occasion when it _does_ happen, and how parents to whom it happens cope with that. ---
**Author:** ![AaronX](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/7bcc69/32.png) [@AaronX](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/AaronX)\ **Post date:** [June 6, 2013, 7:45am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-do-parents-adjust-after-leaving-a-child-in-a-hot-car/660133/89 "2013-06-06T07:45:23Z")
> [@Chef\_Troy](#): > > Fortunately, my wife was home, as I mentioned. I had to call her and confess what I’d done, then stand by and take as many you’re-a-moron’s as she felt like giving me when she came to unlock the door. Because I deserved every one of them, and I knew it. How did she unlock the door? ---
**Author:** ![Kimstu](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/k/ecd19e/32.png) [@Kimstu](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Kimstu)\ **Post date:** [June 6, 2013, 7:50am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-do-parents-adjust-after-leaving-a-child-in-a-hot-car/660133/90 "2013-06-06T07:50:28Z")
> [@AaronX](#): > > How did she unlock the door? I got a sawbuck says she brought along an actual car key, which **does** work even when the engine’s running. ---
**Author:** ![AaronX](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/7bcc69/32.png) [@AaronX](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/AaronX)\ **Post date:** [June 6, 2013, 8:24am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-do-parents-adjust-after-leaving-a-child-in-a-hot-car/660133/91 "2013-06-06T08:24:57Z")
Wait, how do you take out the fob and leave the key in the ignition? Isn’t the fob part of the key? ---
**Author:** ![stui\_magpie](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/stui_magpie/32/11010_2.png) [@stui\_magpie](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/stui_magpie)\ **Post date:** [June 6, 2013, 8:41am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-do-parents-adjust-after-leaving-a-child-in-a-hot-car/660133/92 "2013-06-06T08:41:11Z")
> [@Kimstu](#): > > Unsurprising; most people find that it never happens to them, ever. What this thread and the linked article are about is understanding _how_ it happens on the rare occasion when it _does_ happen, and how parents to whom it happens cope with that. Yep, it is. I provided a comment, my opinion, that there is no excuse for leaving a child in a hot car and that if you do and the kid dies you’re a murderer. Now I’ve been flamed for that, and fair enough, that’s other people’s opinions. I respect that even if I don’t agree. Yeah, I left kids in the car deliberately nut I did that on the basis of a risk management assessment looking at the variables on how long I was likely to be away, where the car was parked, what the weather was like etc and only did it when I estimated the risk factor was extremely low. I didn’t just forget them. I can absolutely feel for the parents who have done that and lost a child. It must be a horrible feeling knowing that you killed your child. What I don’t accept is the modern culture of abdicating responsibility for ones own actions and making excuses. If someone leaves a loaded gun laying round the house and a kid picks it up and shoots themself it’s the parents fault. If a parent gets behind the wheel of a car under the influence of alcohol, has an accident and the kid dies, it’s their fault. I could come up with any number of similar examples, the common thread is a momentary lapse in judgement kills their kid. (or someone else). People don’t get a lot of sympathy for these situations, why the outpouring of sympathy for someone who forgot they had their own child in the car? Those people killed their child just as surely as if they handed them a loaded gun and walked away. ---
**Author:** ![Frylock](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/f/ce7236/32.png) [@Frylock](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Frylock)\ **Post date:** [June 6, 2013, 8:47am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-do-parents-adjust-after-leaving-a-child-in-a-hot-car/660133/93 "2013-06-06T08:47:05Z")
What’s going on in the car cases isn’t a lapse in judgment, it’s a lapse in memory. I can imagine scenarios where a parent leaves a loaded gun out due to a change in routine etc just like in the kid-in-the-car cases, and in such a scenario, I wouldn’t call the parent a murderer. These scenarios would be a lot harder to come by in real life since not everybody has a gun and those who do don’t use them every day for the most part. Simply put, the kind of memory failure we’re talking about isn’t something someone does, it’s literally something that happens to them. It’s not the kind of thing it makes sense to punish someone for, because no matter how severe the punishment, it will be impossible for them to “change their ways” or successfully resolve to do better–because these kinds of memory lapses can happen to anyone at any time no matter their intentions. ---
**Author:** ![Lord\_Feldon](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/lord_feldon/32/341_2.png) [@Lord\_Feldon](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Lord_Feldon)\ **Post date:** [June 6, 2013, 8:53am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-do-parents-adjust-after-leaving-a-child-in-a-hot-car/660133/94 "2013-06-06T08:53:32Z")
> [@Frylock](#): > > What’s going on in the car cases isn’t a lapse in judgment, it’s a lapse in memory. [Around a fifth](http://www.ggweather.com/heat/) are actually a lapse in judgement. Only half of the cases are from parents forgetting the kid is there. (The other 30% are kids getting into the cars on their own.) ---
**Author:** ![stui\_magpie](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/stui_magpie/32/11010_2.png) [@stui\_magpie](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/stui_magpie)\ **Post date:** [June 6, 2013, 9:38am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-do-parents-adjust-after-leaving-a-child-in-a-hot-car/660133/95 "2013-06-06T09:38:20Z")
> [@Frylock](#): > > What’s going on in the car cases isn’t a lapse in judgment, it’s a lapse in memory. > > I can imagine scenarios where a parent leaves a loaded gun out due to a change in routine etc just like in the kid-in-the-car cases, and in such a scenario, I wouldn’t call the parent a murderer. These scenarios would be a lot harder to come by in real life since not everybody has a gun and those who do don’t use them every day for the most part. > > Simply put, the kind of memory failure we’re talking about isn’t something someone does, it’s literally something that happens to them. It’s not the kind of thing it makes sense to punish someone for, because no matter how severe the punishment, it will be impossible for them to “change their ways” or successfully resolve to do better–because these kinds of memory lapses can happen to anyone at any time no matter their intentions. Ask some of the people who had a close call forgetting the kid in the car ( a few of them have posted in this thread) if they ever did it a second time, then you’ll maybe re-evaluate that statement that it’s impossible to change. ---
**Author:** ![Mathematics](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/f6c823/32.png) [@Mathematics](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Mathematics)\ **Post date:** [June 6, 2013, 9:42am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-do-parents-adjust-after-leaving-a-child-in-a-hot-car/660133/96 "2013-06-06T09:42:57Z")
Well, if that experience is enough to prevent it happening again, then why lock people up? So their remaining kids (if any) can struggle in the broken foster care system due to one mistake the parents made? Or what other punishment would you suggest? Plus, I’m not so sure that you are right. They may _say_ it’s impossible for them to do it again, but as we’ve established, when kids are accidentally left in cars, often it’s due to many things going wrong. I don’t see how you could ever 100% prevent that. ---
**Author:** ![stui\_magpie](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/stui_magpie/32/11010_2.png) [@stui\_magpie](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/stui_magpie)\ **Post date:** [June 6, 2013, 9:52am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-do-parents-adjust-after-leaving-a-child-in-a-hot-car/660133/97 "2013-06-06T09:52:32Z")
> [@Mathematics](#): > > Well, if that experience is enough to prevent it happening again, then why lock people up? > So their remaining kids (if any) can struggle in the broken foster care system due to one mistake the parents made? Or what other punishment would you suggest? I’m not sure any punishment the state could hand out is comparable to knowing you killed your own child and having to live with that. Provided the person does actually accept that and doesn’t make excuses. Branding someone a murderer in this instance for mine is a moral stance not necessarily a legal one. ---
**Author:** ![Frylock](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/f/ce7236/32.png) [@Frylock](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Frylock)\ **Post date:** [June 6, 2013, 11:50am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-do-parents-adjust-after-leaving-a-child-in-a-hot-car/660133/98 "2013-06-06T11:50:24Z")
> [@Lord\_Feldon](#): > > [Around a fifth](http://www.ggweather.com/heat/) are actually a lapse in judgement. Only half of the cases are from parents forgetting the kid is there. (The other 30% are kids getting into the cars on their own.) We’re basically in this thread talking about the ones who forgot. ---
**Author:** ![Frylock](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/f/ce7236/32.png) [@Frylock](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Frylock)\ **Post date:** [June 6, 2013, 11:54am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-do-parents-adjust-after-leaving-a-child-in-a-hot-car/660133/99 "2013-06-06T11:54:35Z")
> [@stui\_magpie](#): > > Ask some of the people who had a close call forgetting the kid in the car ( a few of them have posted in this thread) if they ever did it a second time, then you’ll maybe re-evaluate that statement that it’s impossible to change. Since it’s presumably fairly rare in the first place (but more common than people realize) it’s going to be rare squared for it to happen twice. So that it almost never happens twice (if that’s so) wouldn’t prove much. ---
**Author:** ![Frylock](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/f/ce7236/32.png) [@Frylock](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Frylock)\ **Post date:** [June 6, 2013, 11:56am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-do-parents-adjust-after-leaving-a-child-in-a-hot-car/660133/100 "2013-06-06T11:56:22Z")
> [@stui\_magpie](#): > > I’m not sure any punishment the state could hand out is comparable to knowing you killed your own child and having to live with that. Provided the person does actually accept that and doesn’t make excuses. Branding someone a murderer in this instance for mine is a moral stance not necessarily a legal one. You keep using that word. I don’t think it means what you think it means. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-do-parents-adjust-after-leaving-a-child-in-a-hot-car/660133.md?page=4) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-do-parents-adjust-after-leaving-a-child-in-a-hot-car/660133.md?page=6)