My aunt Maite has three sons. She also had two daughters, both stillborn. She doesn’t usually mention the girls in front of strangers, but… same as Grandma becomes the little old woman version of Taz when she’s angry, my aunt went very quiet when someone said something along the lines of “but they don’t count, I mean, they didn’t even have names.” “Yes, their names were M and A.” You could have heard a pin dropping the next town over. The two girls are buried in our family’s pantheon and their names engraved (at one point the engravings stop, and they’re not likely to continue soon), that bigmouthed idiot has seen them there - more than once.
I wouldn’t try going to my uncles I and P and suggesting they have three sons; it’s been three years and they’re still depressed over the death of the eldest, and unlikely to recover from what we hear (they also haven’t been on speaking terms with the family for over 15 years and keep rejecting any attempts at contact).
I was just mentioning to someone today that I’m one of 7 kids, but that one set of twins died. My mother had 7 kids in 6 years, with two sets of twins. One set died prematurely. They were gone before I was born, but they still are in the count. Mostly, though, I say I’m one of five.
StG
I have a friend who uses the 3 kids, 2 living format. She’s pretty matter of fact at that point but if the conversation gets any deeper you can see that years later the grief is still deep and strong.
It’s a hard situation and there isn’t really a one size fits all answer. I think that whatever the parent feels like saying is absolutely fine even if it’s something that makes the questioner uncomfortable. Not many answers in this situation could save you from that anyway.
It is touchy- I have a friend whose daughter lived seven months, then SIDS-
my daughter is her age within days…
When appropriate, I discuss it with her, when she allows, but you can see her pain. She wants more kids, but is sooooo afraid to try. It’s been 8 years…
I spent my recent pregnancy telling casual enquirers yes, this is my first, as it was obvious I didn’t have an older kid with me. It was only medical professionals, or people I’m likely to get to know better who got the “Well, no, but first successful one” answer.
(my son was born prematurely a couple of years back and only stayed with us for 12 days)
I’ll probably stick with this as she gets older, anyone who’s close enough knows the situation, and everyone else can assume she’s an only child, rather than risk me crying on them.
This can be awkward for me: if someone asks if I have any siblings I invaribly say that I have a sister who passed away. This isn’t so much of an issue but many people then want to know how she died. That she commited suicide is something that some are not ready for.
Apparently my great-grandmother approached this by never talking about her two youngest children after their deaths. My mother didn’t know that her mom was the 2nd oldest of 10, rather than 8, until my grandmother told me about her youngest siblings, twins who died of the flu when they were two. It only came up then because my grandmother knew that she was dying and was trying to reassure my seven-year-old self that death wasn’t terrible, and she’d get to see her baby brother and sister again soon.