# How do people find a sex partner? **URL:** \ **Category:** Factual Questions\ **Created:** [April 30, 2015, 6:11am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-do-people-find-a-sex-partner/718874 "2015-04-30T06:11:34Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 2
**Author:** ![Umbridge](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/u/b4bc9f/32.png) [@Umbridge](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Umbridge)\ **Post date:** [April 30, 2015, 10:58am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-do-people-find-a-sex-partner/718874/21 "2015-04-30T10:58:16Z")
> [@Martian Bigfoot](#): > > Premarital sex is not your thing, them, I surmise. OK, check. Ye olde ideas about going by way of parents to ask for someone’s hand… Wow, that’s one you don’t see every day. Not sure what to think about that. > > Are arranged marriages OK in your book? Well, I wasn’t really thinking of arranged marriages specifically. I was thinking of what I felt was family loyalty. I would be loyal to my parents by being a filial child, and my idea of honesty means everybody on both sides of the family know what their children are up to and their true intentions for the sex. Acting in a sexual way would strike me as ambiguous or even dangerous. I do not want to put myself in that situation. My parents’ approval of a sex partner would be important to me, because that is my way of keeping familial happiness and harmony, and that is done by my own parents too. Even though I am in the United States, I need to figure out some way to adapt my values of filial piety within the framework of American culture by waiting until I meet that person’s parents and explicitly asking them whether they would approve of me as a daughter-in-law. ---
**Author:** ![Don\_t\_Panic](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/don_t_panic/32/398_2.png) [@Don\_t\_Panic](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Don_t_Panic)\ **Post date:** [April 30, 2015, 10:59am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-do-people-find-a-sex-partner/718874/22 "2015-04-30T10:59:16Z")
> [@Bullitt](#): > > How old is Umbridge? 14? She’s older than she looks. She’s also smarter than she pretends to be. Or read “stylistic choices” or “rhetorical strategies” for “pretend”. Whatever \*\*Umbridge \*\*prefers to call it. ---
**Author:** ![Umbridge](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/u/b4bc9f/32.png) [@Umbridge](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Umbridge)\ **Post date:** [April 30, 2015, 11:11am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-do-people-find-a-sex-partner/718874/23 "2015-04-30T11:11:19Z")
> [@Martian Bigfoot](#): > > She’s older than she looks. She’s also smarter than she pretends to be. > > Or read “stylistic choices” or “rhetorical strategies” for “pretend”. Whatever \*\*Umbridge \*\*prefers to call it. I tend to act dumb in real life too, somewhat spontaneously, because I tend to chicken out and not act very assertively about my opinions. I also tend to wait until I see confirmation or a direct negation of what I expected all along. ---
**Author:** ![Don\_t\_Panic](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/don_t_panic/32/398_2.png) [@Don\_t\_Panic](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Don_t_Panic)\ **Post date:** [April 30, 2015, 11:13am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-do-people-find-a-sex-partner/718874/24 "2015-04-30T11:13:24Z")
> [@Umbridge](#): > > I also tend to wait until I see confirmation or a direct negation of what I expected all along. Which one do you feel that you’re getting from us so far? ---
**Author:** ![RiCu](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/e19adc/32.png) [@RiCu](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/RiCu)\ **Post date:** [April 30, 2015, 11:19am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-do-people-find-a-sex-partner/718874/25 "2015-04-30T11:19:56Z")
Umbridge, I think there are two different things going on here. You’re asking us what does happen, but you appear to only be interested in what you think should happen. People do not consult their parents before initiating a sexual relationship. That would be unneccesary, inappropriate and very very weird / creepy. ---
**Author:** ![Umbridge](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/u/b4bc9f/32.png) [@Umbridge](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Umbridge)\ **Post date:** [April 30, 2015, 11:26am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-do-people-find-a-sex-partner/718874/26 "2015-04-30T11:26:51Z")
> [@Martian Bigfoot](#): > > Which one do you feel that you’re getting from us so far? Confirmation. I had been expecting that sex in American culture is an act between two individuals alone. I just need to figure out a way to adapt, not assimilate, to this aspect of American way of life. I understand that sex is an intimate subject, and even though I reject the American mainstream way and find consolation in American Christianity, I think I need to adapt in order to find a mate without appearing like a weirdo. Christianity, as an ELCA pastor once said last week, has been declining, and now only 15% of millennialists are active churchgoers. I see Christianity as a positive force, because it acts like a buffer for me by sharing collectivistic attributes of my cultural background while having being influenced by American individualism. ---
**Author:** ![panache45](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/panache45/32/64_2.png) [@panache45](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/panache45)\ **Post date:** [April 30, 2015, 11:34am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-do-people-find-a-sex-partner/718874/27 "2015-04-30T11:34:43Z")
> [@Umbridge](#): > > Well, I wasn’t really thinking of arranged marriages specifically. I was thinking of what I felt was family loyalty. I would be loyal to my parents by being a filial child, and my idea of honesty means everybody on both sides of the family know what their children are up to and their true intentions for the sex. Acting in a sexual way would strike me as ambiguous or even dangerous. I do not want to put myself in that situation. My parents’ approval of a sex partner would be important to me, because that is my way of keeping familial happiness and harmony, and that is done by my own parents too. Even though I am in the United States, I need to figure out some way to adapt my values of filial piety within the framework of American culture by waiting until I meet that person’s parents and explicitly asking them whether they would approve of me as a daughter-in-law. Be prepared for looks of total bewilderment, followed by either uncontrollable laughter or being kicked out of their house. ---
**Author:** ![Bullitt](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/bullitt/32/5725_2.png) [@Bullitt](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Bullitt)\ **Post date:** [April 30, 2015, 11:36am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-do-people-find-a-sex-partner/718874/28 "2015-04-30T11:36:19Z")
Sex is 1 person, or 2 people, or 3, or more… In the ELCA though it is 2 people. Usually. ---
**Author:** ![Umbridge](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/u/b4bc9f/32.png) [@Umbridge](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Umbridge)\ **Post date:** [April 30, 2015, 11:36am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-do-people-find-a-sex-partner/718874/29 "2015-04-30T11:36:50Z")
> [@RiCu](#): > > Umbridge, I think there are two different things going on here. You’re asking us what does happen, but you appear to only be interested in what you think should happen. > > People do not consult their parents before initiating a sexual relationship. That would be unneccesary, inappropriate and very very weird / creepy. Not necessarily “should”. Just adaptation, not assimilation. I think I would act as naturally as possible by making sure my potential in-laws are comfortable with me. ---
**Author:** ![Acsenray](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/acsenray/32/4519_2.png) [@Acsenray](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Acsenray)\ **Post date:** [April 30, 2015, 11:37am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-do-people-find-a-sex-partner/718874/30 "2015-04-30T11:37:52Z")
> [@Umbridge](#): > > I see. If sex occurs by so-called “implicit consent”, then that doesn’t sound much different from sexual harassment, in which you behave in a sexually inappropriate manner in front of someone, and expect that the other person responds favorably. Believe me, I have seen people behaving in a sexually suggestive manner in videos about workplace sexual harassment. Thanks for clearing that up. > [@Umbridge](#): > > That is exactly the thing that can go wrong. I remember reading a story on the Casual Sex Project about a guy who “grooms” or attempts to make her trust him, and then using her as a mere “fuck buddy”, as if she is only good for sex. I feel sorry for the girl. She probably thought the sex would mean a marriage proposal, but instead she got tricked. These are more examples of “knowing without understanding.” Sexual harassment and deception do occur, yes. But proportionally there is a lot more sex going on that is fully consensual. As for filial piety, the social situation you describe in which parents have a right to know everything about their adult children’s’ lives is a nightmare that western culture has discarded and that India and other societies are starting to wake up from. I am loyal to my family and they do not expect nor do I that they will be informed of my sex life. You sound like an old prison inmate who refuses to leave his cell after his term is up because he prefers the familiar limits of confinement rather than the freedom that he is unprepared to enjoy. ---
**Author:** ![Don\_t\_Panic](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/don_t_panic/32/398_2.png) [@Don\_t\_Panic](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Don_t_Panic)\ **Post date:** [April 30, 2015, 11:39am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-do-people-find-a-sex-partner/718874/31 "2015-04-30T11:39:19Z")
> [@Umbridge](#): > > Confirmation. So now that you know that we’re the same bunch of sex-crazed, rapist heathens as everyone else (why are you all looking at me like that? I mean that in a good way), what is your next move? Try to convert us, or walk away in a huff? I’d recommend the latter. The first one probably won’t go down very well. Or, hang around and have normal conversations about a variety of interesting topics? Without being all judgmental or playing a fool for the lulz? That choice is still open for you, if you want to, I suppose. I know you can, if you choose to. At least I hope that we’re beyond the stage of the game where you’re asking bullshit disingenuous “questions”. ---
**Author:** ![Umbridge](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/u/b4bc9f/32.png) [@Umbridge](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Umbridge)\ **Post date:** [April 30, 2015, 11:40am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-do-people-find-a-sex-partner/718874/32 "2015-04-30T11:40:16Z")
> [@Bullitt](#): > > Sex is 1 person, or 2 people, or 3, or more… > > In the ELCA though it is 2 people. Usually. That’s why I mentioned “buffer”. ---
**Author:** ![davida03801](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/b5e925/32.png) [@davida03801](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/davida03801)\ **Post date:** [April 30, 2015, 11:41am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-do-people-find-a-sex-partner/718874/33 "2015-04-30T11:41:50Z")
Usually I just roll over and give her a shake, or she does. It is usually pretty casual with us no drama. ---
**Author:** ![Bullitt](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/bullitt/32/5725_2.png) [@Bullitt](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Bullitt)\ **Post date:** [April 30, 2015, 11:43am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-do-people-find-a-sex-partner/718874/34 "2015-04-30T11:43:10Z")
> [@Umbridge](#): > > That’s why I mentioned “buffer”. Tell us more about your cultural background. ---
**Author:** ![Don\_t\_Panic](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/don_t_panic/32/398_2.png) [@Don\_t\_Panic](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Don_t_Panic)\ **Post date:** [April 30, 2015, 11:48am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-do-people-find-a-sex-partner/718874/35 "2015-04-30T11:48:01Z")
> [@Umbridge](#): > > That’s why I mentioned “buffer”. “Sex between a man and a woman can be wonderful, provided you can get between the right man and the right woman.” Thank you, Woody Allen. ---
**Author:** ![Umbridge](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/u/b4bc9f/32.png) [@Umbridge](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Umbridge)\ **Post date:** [April 30, 2015, 11:46am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-do-people-find-a-sex-partner/718874/36 "2015-04-30T11:46:48Z")
> [@Martian Bigfoot](#): > > At least I hope that we’re beyond the stage of the game where you’re asking bullshit disingenuous “questions”. Well, at least it helps me to share my thoughts, even if they are unwanted. ---
**Author:** ![DrFidelius](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/drfidelius/32/3447_2.png) [@DrFidelius](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/DrFidelius)\ **Post date:** [April 30, 2015, 11:49am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-do-people-find-a-sex-partner/718874/37 "2015-04-30T11:49:30Z")
It is like trying to describe a dining experience to someone who photosynthesizes. “Why go out to a place that prepares food for you when you can eat at home? Why did the chef combine so many different items in to the dish? Does the cilantro provide nutrients? How do you prevent your dining partner from eating you? I saw how knives can be used to cut other people, how can I handle one safely?” ---
**Author:** ![Don\_t\_Panic](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/don_t_panic/32/398_2.png) [@Don\_t\_Panic](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Don_t_Panic)\ **Post date:** [April 30, 2015, 11:51am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-do-people-find-a-sex-partner/718874/38 "2015-04-30T11:51:38Z")
> [@Umbridge](#): > > Well, at least it helps me to share my thoughts, even if they are unwanted. They are wanted. Why do you think I’m talking to you? Just give us the straight dope, is all. Don’t play some game. BTW, no need to sound insulted. This is me being nice. Ask all my friends. ---
**Author:** ![Umbridge](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/u/b4bc9f/32.png) [@Umbridge](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Umbridge)\ **Post date:** [April 30, 2015, 11:56am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-do-people-find-a-sex-partner/718874/39 "2015-04-30T11:56:48Z")
> [@Martian Bigfoot](#): > > So now that you know that we’re the same bunch of sex-crazed, rapist heathens as everyone else (why are you all looking at me like that? I mean that in a good way), what is your next move? Try to convert us, or walk away in a huff? I’d recommend the latter. The first one probably won’t go down very well. > > Or, hang around and have normal conversations about a variety of interesting topics? Without being all judgmental or playing a fool for the lulz? That choice is still open for you, if you want to, I suppose. I know you can, if you choose to. > > At least I hope that we’re beyond the stage of the game where you’re asking bullshit disingenuous “questions”. You may think of my questions as being disingenuous, but I see it as a way to talk about the issues that would be most important to me. I just wanted to approach it gradually to set up the context. Had I been more upfront from the get-go and posted a debate about it, I would have received a heck of a lot of disagreements. I wanted at least some sympathy for my concerns and my viewpoints instead of being labelled as “crazy”. ---
**Author:** ![DrFidelius](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/drfidelius/32/3447_2.png) [@DrFidelius](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/DrFidelius)\ **Post date:** [April 30, 2015, 12:01pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-do-people-find-a-sex-partner/718874/40 "2015-04-30T12:01:05Z")
[quote=“Umbridge, post:39, topic:718874”] You may think of my questions as being disingenuous, but I see it as a way to talk about the issues that would be most important to me. I just wanted to approach it gradually to set up the context. Had I been more upfront from the get-go and posted a debate about it, I would have received a heck of a lot of disagreements. I wanted at least some sympathy for my concerns and my viewpoints instead of \*\*being labelled as “crazy”.[/\*\*QUOTE] Sorry dear, That ship has sailed. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-do-people-find-a-sex-partner/718874.md?page=1) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-do-people-find-a-sex-partner/718874.md?page=3)