# How do people find a sex partner? **URL:** \ **Category:** Factual Questions\ **Created:** [April 30, 2015, 6:11am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-do-people-find-a-sex-partner/718874 "2015-04-30T06:11:34Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 10\ **Page:** 3
**Author:** ![RiCu](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/e19adc/32.png) [@RiCu](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/RiCu)\ **Post date:** [April 30, 2015, 12:02pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-do-people-find-a-sex-partner/718874/41 "2015-04-30T12:02:14Z")
> [@Martian Bigfoot](#): > > They are wanted. Why do you think I’m talking to you? Just give us the straight dope, is all. Don’t play some game. Seconded. Weirdly I look forward to Umbridge threads because, (assuming they are genuine) they offer an incredibly interesting glance at a very different way of life and thinking. I wrote a long reply about how the “parents should get a say in their adult children’s lives” concept was utterly abhorrent to me, but I deleted it as it was a unwarranted rant. In normal Western culture this isn’t what happens. If this is what you want, need or expect, you should concentrate on looking for a partner in more specific backwards/traditional places. ---
**Author:** ![Bullitt](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/bullitt/32/5725_2.png) [@Bullitt](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Bullitt)\ **Post date:** [April 30, 2015, 12:04pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-do-people-find-a-sex-partner/718874/42 "2015-04-30T12:04:54Z")
> [@davida03801](#): > > Usually I just roll over and give her a shake, or she does. It is usually pretty casual with us no drama. It’s 5am here. I just gave my wife a shake… ---
**Author:** ![Don\_t\_Panic](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/don_t_panic/32/398_2.png) [@Don\_t\_Panic](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Don_t_Panic)\ **Post date:** [April 30, 2015, 12:06pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-do-people-find-a-sex-partner/718874/43 "2015-04-30T12:06:12Z")
> [@Umbridge](#): > > Had I been more upfront from the get-go and posted a debate about it, I would have received a heck of a lot of disagreements. Wow, disagreements. Yeah, best to avoid those at all cost. Or, you could take it as an opportunity to defend and explain your arguments. That is a process that often has the added benefit of requiring you to think them through, causing you to better understand them yourself, and see the strengths and weaknesses in them. I recommend it. But whatever works for you, I guess. > [@](#): > > I wanted at least some sympathy for my concerns and my viewpoints instead of being labelled as “crazy”. Well, that backfired spectacularly, didn’t it? ---
**Author:** ![Umbridge](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/u/b4bc9f/32.png) [@Umbridge](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Umbridge)\ **Post date:** [April 30, 2015, 12:07pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-do-people-find-a-sex-partner/718874/44 "2015-04-30T12:07:43Z")
> [@RiCu](#): > > Seconded. Weirdly I look forward to Umbridge threads because, (assuming they are genuine) they offer an incredibly interesting glance at a very different way of life and thinking. > > I wrote a long reply about how the “parents should get a say in their adult children’s lives” concept was utterly abhorrent to me, but I deleted it as it was a unwarranted rant. > > In normal Western culture this isn’t what happens. If this is what you want, need or expect, you should concentrate on looking for a partner in more specific backwards/traditional places. I once met an Indian guy in school. I liked the way he shared the same outlook on the family as I did, and that his viewpoints made sense to me. ---
**Author:** ![Ramira](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/ramira/32/344_2.png) [@Ramira](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ramira)\ **Post date:** [April 30, 2015, 12:15pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-do-people-find-a-sex-partner/718874/45 "2015-04-30T12:15:23Z")
> [@Umbridge](#): > > I wanted at least some sympathy for my concerns and my viewpoints instead of being labelled as “crazy”. you have effectively achieved the opposite I think. coming from a non western background I can not say your posts convince me ---
**Author:** ![Acsenray](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/acsenray/32/4519_2.png) [@Acsenray](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Acsenray)\ **Post date:** [April 30, 2015, 12:23pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-do-people-find-a-sex-partner/718874/46 "2015-04-30T12:23:03Z")
> [@Umbridge](#): > > Confirmation. I had been expecting that sex in American culture is an act between two individuals alone. It is an act between two individuals alone in the vast majority of cases. You have this habit of choosing outlying phenomena and then behaving as if they are routine. > [@](#): > > I just need to figure out a way to adapt, not assimilate, to this aspect of American way of life. This is the weirdest thing—_you are an American_. You are a member of American society. You have been since you were a small child. This is why people keep asking you if you have Asperger’s, because you seem to have no practical experience of the society you live in. > [@](#): > > I understand that sex is an intimate subject, and even though I reject the American mainstream way and find consolation in American Christianity, I think I need to adapt in order to find a mate without appearing like a weirdo. And then once you have mated, you will reveal your weirdness? Perhaps you are better off joining the Christian sects that seek to master their women’s sexuality? > [@](#): > > I see Christianity as a positive force, because it acts like a buffer for me by sharing collectivistic attributes of my cultural background while having being influenced by American individualism. I repeat my jailbird metaphor here. What seems to be at the root here is a fundamental fear of being in control and responsible for your own sexuality without the secure embrace of familial supervision. > [@Umbridge](#): > > I once met an Indian guy in school. I liked the way he shared the same outlook on the family as I did, and that his viewpoints made sense to me. I am also an Indian-American. The guys who have these traditional views of female sexuality inevitably reveal themselves to have all kinds of retrograde views regarding women. You have expressed tremendous concern regarding the line between consensual and non-consensual sex. Well, what do you think of this expression of Indian traditions: The Indian government says that the concept of marital rape cannot be adopted into Indian law because “marriage is a sacrament”— [http://blogs.wsj.com/indiarealtime/2015/04/30/modi-governments-reasons-why-marital-rape-is-not-a-crime/](http://blogs.wsj.com/indiarealtime/2015/04/30/modi-governments-reasons-why-marital-rape-is-not-a-crime/) Actually now that I’ve written that, I can already hear in my head how you’re going to say that this is a perfectly logical result. But then you aren’t in the position of tens (hundreds?) of thousands of wives who have been subject to forced sex by their husbands. Your posts seem to reflect either a fear of or a disinterest in sex. Your adherence to traditional family dynamics will not protect you and your sexual choices from a husband who operates under traditional sexual values. ---
**Author:** ![Fuzzy\_Dunlop](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/f/848f3c/32.png) [@Fuzzy\_Dunlop](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Fuzzy_Dunlop)\ **Post date:** [April 30, 2015, 12:25pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-do-people-find-a-sex-partner/718874/47 "2015-04-30T12:25:25Z")
> [@Umbridge](#): > > My parents’ approval of a sex partner would be important to me, because that is my way of keeping familial happiness and harmony, **and that is done by my own parents too.** Are you saying your parents ask you permission every time they have sex? ---
**Author:** ![Acsenray](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/acsenray/32/4519_2.png) [@Acsenray](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Acsenray)\ **Post date:** [April 30, 2015, 12:29pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-do-people-find-a-sex-partner/718874/48 "2015-04-30T12:29:07Z")
Missed edit window: If it’s fear, then you need to find a way to get over it. Hence suggestions for therapy. If it’s disinterest, then you need to find a similarly disinterested partner. Clinging to traditional family values won’t protect you. ---
**Author:** ![Machine\_Elf](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/82dd89/32.png) [@Machine\_Elf](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Machine_Elf)\ **Post date:** [April 30, 2015, 12:34pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-do-people-find-a-sex-partner/718874/49 "2015-04-30T12:34:57Z")
> [@Umbridge](#): > > I see. If sex occurs by so-called “implicit consent”, then that doesn’t sound much different from sexual harassment, in which you behave in a sexually inappropriate manner in front of someone, and expect that the other person responds favorably. Believe me, I have seen people behaving in a sexually suggestive manner in videos about workplace sexual harassment. Thanks for clearing that up. Requests for **explicit** consent (e.g. asking “will you have sex with me?”) would also constitute sexual harassment if the request is made in the workplace. A good partner considers the setting and the degree of familiarity that he and his partner share and chooses the progression of his actions accordingly (married 10 years? Go ahead and surprise her with a naked hug from behind. First date? Better start with handholding and see how things go from there), and pays attention to how his partner responds to his overtures (Does she reciprocate? Does she seem nervous or uncomfortable?) If a partner’s unspoken responses don’t seem entirely favorable, then maybe it’s time to use words (“are you OK? do you not want to do this now?”), and then heed her verbal responses. > [@Umbridge](#): > > I suppose it is best to date someone in a public place and not in a person’s house for safety reasons. Also, it may be safer to date during the morning, not at night. And it may be useful to know how to explicitly refuse consent. Responding favorably can easily send the wrong message. It would be safest of all to simply not interact with other people at all unless absolutely necessary for obtaining life-sustaining goods and materials, but that’s not very fulfilling. Taken to its logical extreme, risk aversion leads to a boring life. Somewhere between reckless abandon and phobic isolation, most people seem to have a good time. Explicitly refusing consent is, in theory, pretty easy: “knock that shit off, I’m not interested.” Granted, this is easier to do if you’re with a partner who is attentive and considerate. Some people are able to progress from “nice to meet you” to becoming sex partners on the first date, but I think most people require at least a few dates(over which the level of intimacy tends to progress) before becoming sex partners, and during this time a decision gets made about whether each partner trusts that the other’s intentions/suitability are a good match for their own. ---
**Author:** ![Colibri](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/colibri/32/1841_2.png) [@Colibri](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Colibri)\ **Post date:** [April 30, 2015, 3:33pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-do-people-find-a-sex-partner/718874/50 "2015-04-30T15:33:38Z")
After discussion, the moderators have concluded that the OP is trolling, and has been banned for that reason. This thread is closed. Colibri General Questions Moderator [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-do-people-find-a-sex-partner/718874.md?page=2)