# How do some people find it difficult to lose their virginity? **URL:** \ **Category:** In My Humble Opinion\ **Created:** [November 17, 2016, 2:03pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-do-some-people-find-it-difficult-to-lose-their-virginity/772253 "2016-11-17T14:03:22Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 3
**Author:** ![Velocity](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/velocity/32/18006_2.png) [@Velocity](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Velocity)\ **Post date:** [November 17, 2016, 8:16pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-do-some-people-find-it-difficult-to-lose-their-virginity/772253/41 "2016-11-17T20:16:40Z")
> [@ZPG\_Zealot](#): > > there were probably any number of attractive women working at retail stores, low-paying clerical jobs, waitressing at the Cheesecake Factory, etc., that if he had displayed a few very basic social skills and a willingness to pay some of their bills would have gladly snapped him up as a boyfriend. **And they would have made the first move**. I don’t buy this. Such women probably encounter \*\*hundreds \*\*of such men (“very basic social skills and a willingness to pay some of their bills”) every year in the course of their occupation (clerks, waitresses etc. always encounter many people day in and day out.) Are we supposed to believe that such women would “make the first move” on \*\*hundreds \*\*of such men per year? ---
**Author:** ![Doubticus](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/e56c9b/32.png) [@Doubticus](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Doubticus)\ **Post date:** [November 17, 2016, 8:40pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-do-some-people-find-it-difficult-to-lose-their-virginity/772253/42 "2016-11-17T20:40:05Z")
As a shy person myself, I didn’t have much luck until I did two things. The first was not to force any expectations on anyone and relax, the second was to participate in social activities. Engage in casual conversation without hitting on anyone. If you have interesting and/or funny things to talk about you will generate interest. Then just take it from there. ---
**Author:** ![bump](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/7c8e57/32.png) [@bump](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/bump)\ **Post date:** [November 17, 2016, 8:50pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-do-some-people-find-it-difficult-to-lose-their-virginity/772253/43 "2016-11-17T20:50:02Z")
> [@Mijin](#): > > And of course internally self-loathing as what kind of a man can’t get laid? I’ve kind of wondered how much of this phenomenon is an unintended consequence of the liberation of women. I mean, if you went back to say… 1920, I’m not sure the societal expectation for young men was quite the same with respect to getting laid. Things like early marriage and/or prostitution was much more common than today. Certainly visiting a bordello wasn’t seen as the desperate act of a loser, or something weirdos do like it is today. Nowadays, there’s a lot of pressure to have skill at this sort of thing, and the measuring stick seems to be the notches on your bedpost. So you get these guys who keep hearing about how to be a “real man”, they need to get laid early and often, and they get hung up on the sex aspect, when in reality, they need to concentrate on the other aspects, and the sex will take care of itself. ---
**Author:** ![AHunter3](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/ahunter3/32/368_2.png) [@AHunter3](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/AHunter3)\ **Post date:** [November 17, 2016, 9:43pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-do-some-people-find-it-difficult-to-lose-their-virginity/772253/44 "2016-11-17T21:43:43Z")
> [@Blalron](#): > > Do you subscribe to the “blank slate” view of human nature, that human sexual behavior is entirely a social construct? Is there any society in the world, either in the present day or throughout recorded human history where a men can quietly sit back and expect a woman to initiate the relationship? Entire societies, no. There are small pockets of people of each sex who are exceptions to the rule in such a way that the prescribed /expected behavior (and associated personality traits etc etc etc are a poor fit. That should not surprise you or anyone else: for any generalization, there will be exceptions to the rule. As of the moment there are no “parts of town” where female people who are attracted to male people and whose personality etc inclines them to prefer to be the initiators would go to meet male people whose inclinations are opposite of that. But having figured out how I was wired back in 1980, and having spent 3 decades-and-change with that awareness in my mind, I’ve been able to locate and connect. ---
**Author:** ![Grim\_Render](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/g/a87d85/32.png) [@Grim\_Render](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Grim_Render)\ **Post date:** [November 17, 2016, 10:28pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-do-some-people-find-it-difficult-to-lose-their-virginity/772253/45 "2016-11-17T22:28:11Z")
Women do in fact initiate and hit on men quite a bit. Its just that those men need to be much further above average. That where a woman normally starts getting hit on. Look at rock stars. Also, in a fairly relaxed environment, such as a student night out, if a man is 6’4’’, good abs, broad shoulders, good face, he will be hit on, and quite a bit. On the other hand, someone who is 5’7’’ no abs, average face may never get hit on, or very rarely. Unless he brings something else, the dropoff when you approach average is massive. ---
**Author:** ![Wesley\_Clark](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/wesley_clark/32/20581_2.png) [@Wesley\_Clark](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Wesley_Clark)\ **Post date:** [November 17, 2016, 10:31pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-do-some-people-find-it-difficult-to-lose-their-virginity/772253/46 "2016-11-17T22:31:59Z")
Rodgers had serious mental health issues. He was angry and bitter, withdrawn, isolated, etc. Many of his friends and acquaintances verified this fact. I’d wager 75% of the issue of being a long term virgin is psychological. Either you are very shy, very awkward, give off lots of red flags, unrealistic standards, pursue the wrong people, etc. The other 25% I’d guess is things people normally attribute as the causes like below average sex appeal, lack of a social network. ---
**Author:** ![Wesley\_Clark](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/wesley_clark/32/20581_2.png) [@Wesley\_Clark](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Wesley_Clark)\ **Post date:** [November 17, 2016, 10:35pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-do-some-people-find-it-difficult-to-lose-their-virginity/772253/47 "2016-11-17T22:35:16Z")
> [@Bryan\_Ekers](#): > > I’m willing to entertain the hypothesis that bubbling subsurface psychopathy creates anti-aphrodisiac pheromones. Men with dark triad personality traits like narcissism, psychopathy, machiavellianism are considered more (not less) desirable for one night stands. > **[The-Dark-Triad-Personality.pdf](https://scottbarrykaufman.com/wp-content/uploads/2013/09/The-Dark-Triad-Personality.pdf)** > > 352.95 KB ---
**Author:** ![ZPG\_Zealot](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/z/e47c2d/32.png) [@ZPG\_Zealot](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/ZPG_Zealot)\ **Post date:** [November 17, 2016, 10:40pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-do-some-people-find-it-difficult-to-lose-their-virginity/772253/48 "2016-11-17T22:40:55Z")
> [@Velocity](#): > > I don’t buy this. Such women probably encounter \*\*hundreds \*\*of such men (“very basic social skills and a willingness to pay some of their bills”) every year in the course of their occupation (clerks, waitresses etc. always encounter many people day in and day out.) Are we supposed to believe that such women would “make the first move” on \*\*hundreds \*\*of such men per year? They will “make the first move” on enough men who look like good prospects until they find one that actually is and usually stop and pursue a relationship with him. Usually they don’t have to go through hundreds to do this. ---
**Author:** ![ZPG\_Zealot](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/z/e47c2d/32.png) [@ZPG\_Zealot](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/ZPG_Zealot)\ **Post date:** [November 17, 2016, 10:48pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-do-some-people-find-it-difficult-to-lose-their-virginity/772253/49 "2016-11-17T22:48:48Z")
> [@Velocity](#): > > I don’t buy this. Such women probably encounter \*\*hundreds \*\*of such men (“very basic social skills and a willingness to pay some of their bills”) every year in the course of their occupation (clerks, waitresses etc. always encounter many people day in and day out.) Are we supposed to believe that such women would “make the first move” on \*\*hundreds \*\*of such men per year? I know plenty of women in this situation and they do not meet hundreds of men on a daily basis that met the criteria of “very basic social skills and a willingness to pay some of their bills.” They meet hundreds of men looking for sex, but have little (financially) to actually offer in a relationship. My advice to nerdy men wishing to date these women (and there are plenty of them more than willing to date nerdy, white guys) is simple: a modest outlay of money, you can rent them long enough for them to discover your stellar, but less blatantly obvious qualities for being good boyfriend. ---
**Author:** ![Hector\_St\_Clare](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/h/b5ac83/32.png) [@Hector\_St\_Clare](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Hector_St_Clare)\ **Post date:** [November 17, 2016, 10:52pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-do-some-people-find-it-difficult-to-lose-their-virginity/772253/50 "2016-11-17T22:52:15Z")
> [@Wesley\_Clark](#): > > Men with dark triad personality traits like narcissism, psychopathy, machiavellianism are considered more (not less) desirable for one night stands. > > [http://scottbarrykaufman.com/wp-content/uploads/2013/09/The-Dark-Triad-Personality.pdf](http://scottbarrykaufman.com/wp-content/uploads/2013/09/The-Dark-Triad-Personality.pdf) Right, I made that point. But I think there’s an important caveat: there are different kinds of sociopaths. There are the kind like Donald Trump who have charisma and social skills, and there’s the kind like Eliot Rodger who don’t. Donald Trump is very successful at life, including in the sexual arena. Eliot Rodger not so much. ---
**Author:** ![tomndebb](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/b9e5f3/32.png) [@tomndebb](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/tomndebb)\ **Post date:** [November 17, 2016, 11:30pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-do-some-people-find-it-difficult-to-lose-their-virginity/772253/51 "2016-11-17T23:30:36Z")
Unless someone is about to leap into this thread with lots of statistics from sociological studies examining shy people, I suspect that it will be better suited to IMHO than to Great Debates. Moving. ---
**Author:** ![Count\_Blucher](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/c5a1d2/32.png) [@Count\_Blucher](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Count_Blucher)\ **Post date:** [November 17, 2016, 11:48pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-do-some-people-find-it-difficult-to-lose-their-virginity/772253/52 "2016-11-17T23:48:45Z")
Sometimes things happen, sometimes they don’t. Sometimes the connection is made and the two of you are looking back & forth between each others eyes and starting to move in… when something breaks the moment. It happens. ---
**Author:** ![GuanoLad](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/guanolad/32/42_2.png) [@GuanoLad](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/GuanoLad)\ **Post date:** [November 17, 2016, 11:55pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-do-some-people-find-it-difficult-to-lose-their-virginity/772253/53 "2016-11-17T23:55:59Z")
Women don’t seem to like me very much. ---
**Author:** ![Flyer](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/flyer/32/7298_2.png) [@Flyer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Flyer)\ **Post date:** [November 18, 2016, 12:04am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-do-some-people-find-it-difficult-to-lose-their-virginity/772253/54 "2016-11-18T00:04:45Z")
> [@ZPG\_Zealot](#): > > I know plenty of women in this situation and they do not meet hundreds of men on a daily basis that met the criteria of “very basic social skills and a willingness to pay some of their bills.” They meet hundreds of men looking for sex, but have little (financially) to actually offer in a relationship. My advice to nerdy men wishing to date these women (and there are plenty of them more than willing to date nerdy, white guys) is simple: a modest outlay of money, you can rent them long enough for them to discover your stellar, but less blatantly obvious qualities for being good boyfriend. Unless, as I said earlier, you’re one of the unlucky guys that women deliberately lie to, to avoid going out with AT ALL. They won’t even give you a chance. ---
**Author:** ![monstro](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/ba9def/32.png) [@monstro](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/monstro)\ **Post date:** [November 18, 2016, 12:05am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-do-some-people-find-it-difficult-to-lose-their-virginity/772253/55 "2016-11-18T00:05:38Z")
Women aren’t that hard up for sex to give pussy to every neurotic, physically unattractive, socially awkward guy that walks past her doorway. If a woman is that horny, she can just go on Amazon and order a battery-powered lover. I don’t find it hard to understand at all. ---
**Author:** ![John\_DiFool](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/john_difool/32/19543_2.png) [@John\_DiFool](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/John_DiFool)\ **Post date:** [November 18, 2016, 12:19am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-do-some-people-find-it-difficult-to-lose-their-virginity/772253/56 "2016-11-18T00:19:11Z")
> [@Bullitt](#): > > Before I realized what my leg muscles were doing, there I found myself, **Private Bullitt** , standing alone among some 250 seated Marines. Nobody else was standing. There was total silence in the room, you could’ve heard a pin drop. The class instructor just looked down and shook his head. I’d unintentionally botched his entire intro. > > Later when we returned to our squad bay, one fellow recruit, Mike Co\*\*\*ll from my platoon, a tall redeaded guy, came up to me and consoling, said, “Don’t worry, **Bullitt** , I’m sure there were many others in there. You were the only one brave enough to tell the truth.” [Private Bullitt, I admire your honesty. Hell I like you-you can come over to my house and fuck my sister!](http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3j3_iPskjxk&t=2m16s) ---
**Author:** ![ZPG\_Zealot](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/z/e47c2d/32.png) [@ZPG\_Zealot](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/ZPG_Zealot)\ **Post date:** [November 18, 2016, 12:45am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-do-some-people-find-it-difficult-to-lose-their-virginity/772253/57 "2016-11-18T00:45:24Z")
> [@Flyer](#): > > Unless, as I said earlier, you’re one of the unlucky guys that women deliberately lie to, to avoid going out with AT ALL. They won’t even give you a chance. Those “unlucky” guys are usually aiming at women way, way above their league. ---
**Author:** ![Robot\_Arm](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/robot_arm/32/18280_2.png) [@Robot\_Arm](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Robot_Arm)\ **Post date:** [November 18, 2016, 1:15am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-do-some-people-find-it-difficult-to-lose-their-virginity/772253/58 "2016-11-18T01:15:14Z")
> [@Velocity](#): > > 1. Religious considerations come into play. Many (but not all) Christians believe that sex is not permitted until marriage. Other religions often also suppress sexual activity before marriage. So that is a suppressing factor for many people in America and the world. Religions may preach that, but do you really think it’s a significant effect, at least in the west? Always seemed to me that it’s a custom more honored in the breach than in the observance. > [@Velocity](#): > > 1. Many people assume that sex and dating \*\*is the default unless proven otherwise \*\*(I.e., “\*You’re pretty! You’re handsome! You’re smart! You’re this-or-that. Why don’t you have a boyfriend/girlfriend, why aren’t you laid yet?” \* The assumption is that if someone meets a reasonable threshold X of decency/attractiveness/IQ/personality, that they will be laid or have a significant other. That is a faulty assumption. You don’t get a job, or a promotion, merely by existing and meeting a certain level of competence. It takes more success/luck than that, and the same applies in many cases of relationships. It kind of is the default, isn’t it? The need for companionship is pretty well established as a basic human desire. Yeah, some people are certainly happy without that sort of relationship in their life, but it’s not like the ones who do want it are making it up out of whole cloth. > [@Velocity](#): > > 1. Society tells the false message that “(Almost everyone) has lost their virginity/is dating/hooking up.” False? At some point, being a virgin is definitely an outlier. ---
**Author:** ![LSLGuy](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/lslguy/32/5813_2.png) [@LSLGuy](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/LSLGuy)\ **Post date:** [November 18, 2016, 1:42am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-do-some-people-find-it-difficult-to-lose-their-virginity/772253/59 "2016-11-18T01:42:49Z")
> [@GuanoLad](#): > > Women don’t seem to like me very much. I’m no expert at this dating stuff, but it \*might \*have something to do with all that guano. 🙂 ---
**Author:** ![Ambivalid](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/a5b964/32.png) [@Ambivalid](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ambivalid)\ **Post date:** [November 18, 2016, 2:28am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-do-some-people-find-it-difficult-to-lose-their-virginity/772253/60 "2016-11-18T02:28:56Z")
> [@Hector\_St\_Clare](#): > > I mean, we just elected someone who seems to meet the clinical definition of sociopathy to the presidency of the United States of America, so I’d say yes? Trump is much closer to narcissistic personality disorder than sociopathy. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-do-some-people-find-it-difficult-to-lose-their-virginity/772253.md?page=2) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-do-some-people-find-it-difficult-to-lose-their-virginity/772253.md?page=4)