# How do some people find it difficult to lose their virginity? **URL:** \ **Category:** In My Humble Opinion\ **Created:** [November 17, 2016, 2:03pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-do-some-people-find-it-difficult-to-lose-their-virginity/772253 "2016-11-17T14:03:22Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 5
**Author:** ![Robot\_Arm](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/robot_arm/32/18280_2.png) [@Robot\_Arm](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Robot_Arm)\ **Post date:** [November 21, 2016, 7:25pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-do-some-people-find-it-difficult-to-lose-their-virginity/772253/81 "2016-11-21T19:25:57Z")
> [@DaphneBlack](#): > > The claim is that women don’t ask guys out. do you think women don’t ask guys out in a vacuum? There is social pressure that a girl who asks a guy out AT ALL is desperate – at least there was when I was a girl who did that. I’ver always been a pretty forthright girl, and the only times I was “romantically successful” it was when I let the guy take the lead (regardless of how attractive the guy was). I was/am a pretty good catch, but I “came on to strong” plenty, and it was only after I stopped being this supposed modern gal that I actually met any decent prospects – and incidentally, my husband tells it that he was absolutely NOT sure I was into him, despite the fact that I went home with him ~3 hours after we met. So I didn’t turn into some shy wallflower, but I let him, nervous and unsure though he apparently was, take the initiative. I’m sure there are some guys, somewhere, who would appreciate being asked out, and I’m sure there are some who wouldn’t. I think more women should ask men out because, even if it doesn’t lead to a date, it would give both genders a better understanding of what the other traditionally goes through. It can be hard to dial up your courage and ask someone, and it can be hard to disappoint someone by turning them down. If we all knew what that was like maybe we’d cut each other a bit more slack. And whatever you did, Daphne, whatever path you took to get there, it sounds like it worked out in the end. ---
**Author:** ![joyfool](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/j/df788c/32.png) [@joyfool](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/joyfool)\ **Post date:** [November 21, 2016, 8:15pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-do-some-people-find-it-difficult-to-lose-their-virginity/772253/82 "2016-11-21T20:15:55Z")
I’ve asked guys out and have very rarely failed. Of course, these were just average fellows and no super rich, buff, Adonises. I think it just depends. ---
**Author:** ![Little\_Pig](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/c57346/32.png) [@Little\_Pig](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Little_Pig)\ **Post date:** [November 21, 2016, 8:27pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-do-some-people-find-it-difficult-to-lose-their-virginity/772253/83 "2016-11-21T20:27:04Z")
I tossed my virginity out the back window of my car like an empty can of beer. 😛 I do regret that it was not more memorable. - Not something you think about when you are a young teen with a perpetual boner. ---
**Author:** ![DaphneBlack](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/daphneblack/32/5389_2.png) [@DaphneBlack](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/DaphneBlack)\ **Post date:** [November 21, 2016, 8:41pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-do-some-people-find-it-difficult-to-lose-their-virginity/772253/84 "2016-11-21T20:41:04Z")
> [@Robot\_Arm](#): > > I’m sure there are some guys, somewhere, who would appreciate being asked out, and I’m sure there are some who wouldn’t. I think more women should ask men out because, even if it doesn’t lead to a date, it would give both genders a better understanding of what the other traditionally goes through. It can be hard to dial up your courage and ask someone, and it can be hard to disappoint someone by turning them down. If we all knew what that was like maybe we’d cut each other a bit more slack. > > And whatever you did, Daphne, whatever path you took to get there, it sounds like it worked out in the end. It did work out! But I don’t blame someone who won’t buck the social norms for the sake of greater cultural understanding. Rejection sucks (all kinds, not just romantic). So does feeling like you have no real agency. ---
**Author:** ![Robot\_Arm](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/robot_arm/32/18280_2.png) [@Robot\_Arm](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Robot_Arm)\ **Post date:** [November 21, 2016, 9:07pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-do-some-people-find-it-difficult-to-lose-their-virginity/772253/85 "2016-11-21T21:07:24Z")
> [@DaphneBlack](#): > > It did work out! But I don’t blame someone who won’t buck the social norms for the sake of greater cultural understanding. > > Rejection sucks (all kinds, not just romantic). So does feeling like you have no real agency. No, they should buck the social norms because they hope it will work. If it doesn’t, maybe we can learn something in the process. ---
**Author:** ![Penfeather](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/penfeather/32/384_2.png) [@Penfeather](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Penfeather)\ **Post date:** [November 22, 2016, 2:10am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-do-some-people-find-it-difficult-to-lose-their-virginity/772253/86 "2016-11-22T02:10:50Z")
> [@Shodan](#): > > Certainly, but my point was that women, at least pretty ones, can wait for men to hit on them. Men have to be way above the norm, like sports stars or rich, before they can expect women to take the initiative. > > Regards, > Shodan Not in my experience. ---
**Author:** ![jz78817](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/jz78817/32/1028_2.png) [@jz78817](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/jz78817)\ **Post date:** [November 22, 2016, 2:41am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-do-some-people-find-it-difficult-to-lose-their-virginity/772253/87 "2016-11-22T02:41:39Z")
> [@](#): > > How do some people find it difficult to lose their virginity? for me? just grow up being a dumpy, fat, shy nerd with no one to coach you or even tell you how to improve yourself. ---
**Author:** ![Velocity](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/velocity/32/18006_2.png) [@Velocity](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Velocity)\ **Post date:** [November 22, 2016, 3:59am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-do-some-people-find-it-difficult-to-lose-their-virginity/772253/88 "2016-11-22T03:59:07Z")
> [@Penfeather](#): > > Not in my experience. Well, for everyone, their mileage may vary. ---
**Author:** ![Quasimodal](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/q/57b2e6/32.png) [@Quasimodal](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Quasimodal)\ **Post date:** [November 22, 2016, 5:05am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-do-some-people-find-it-difficult-to-lose-their-virginity/772253/89 "2016-11-22T05:05:24Z")
So i was virgin until 27. Chalk it up to serious social anxiety, depressions, and being overweight. Had sex for three years until my relationship ended. In the past 4 years had some sexual relationships but have been sexless for well over a year now. I’ve approached women in the past year, but it’s the same tired old story of drama, lots of emotion given for not enough return. My efforts are seen as either needy or pushy, never as caring or as loving. I keep crying the same song as many people here know…I have a career, am fit, have a healthy social network, good family, stable life, and some fun hobbies (concerts, guitar, dancing, and generally pretty open to new experiences) but am somehow not good enough. Maybe I should just be honest that in the looks department I’m probably somewhere around average, and in the money department I’m also somewhere around average as a teacher. For most people that’s what matters. Engineers, Drs, Lawyers, etc are sexy. Teachers are not apparently. And no parents helping me here. Yep I’m a well educated, independent male. Not sexy and maybe intimidating. I blame this shitty non-committed millennial generation garbage, or the new age hippies with no sense of anything grounded in reality, or career driven narcissists. Bah. Get off my lawn. 😛 Oh well, I’ve fallen in love with my hobbies and books. And my kiddos and friends make me happy mostly. That and beer, and yoga. And just doing a good job at work. It’s late and I decided to rant. Please forgive me. ---
**Author:** ![Bullitt](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/bullitt/32/5725_2.png) [@Bullitt](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Bullitt)\ **Post date:** [November 22, 2016, 1:40pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-do-some-people-find-it-difficult-to-lose-their-virginity/772253/90 "2016-11-22T13:40:38Z")
> [@Penfeather](#): > > Not in my experience. I agree with you, **Penfeather**. ---
**Author:** ![msmith537](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/d9b06d/32.png) [@msmith537](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/msmith537)\ **Post date:** [November 22, 2016, 3:19pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-do-some-people-find-it-difficult-to-lose-their-virginity/772253/91 "2016-11-22T15:19:15Z")
> [@Mr\_Quatro](#): > > Alcohol and drugs and marijuana (pot is a herb) turn you into a different person. Yeah, but that person tends to get laid more:cool: ---
**Author:** ![Bullitt](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/bullitt/32/5725_2.png) [@Bullitt](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Bullitt)\ **Post date:** [November 22, 2016, 3:30pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-do-some-people-find-it-difficult-to-lose-their-virginity/772253/92 "2016-11-22T15:30:59Z")
> [@Quasimodal](#): > > So i was virgin until 27. Chalk it up to serious social anxiety, depressions, and being overweight. Had sex for three years until my relationship ended. In the past 4 years had some sexual relationships but have been sexless for well over a year now. > > I’ve approached women in the past year, but it’s the same tired old story of drama, lots of emotion given for not enough return. My efforts are seen as either needy or pushy, never as caring or as loving. I keep crying the same song as many people here know…I have a career, am fit, have a healthy social network, good family, stable life, and some fun hobbies (concerts, guitar, dancing, and generally pretty open to new experiences) but am somehow not good enough. Maybe I should just be honest that in the looks department I’m probably somewhere around average, and in the money department I’m also somewhere around average as a teacher. For most people that’s what matters. Engineers, Drs, Lawyers, etc are sexy. Teachers are not apparently. And no parents helping me here. Yep I’m a well educated, independent male. Not sexy and maybe intimidating. > > I blame this shitty non-committed millennial generation garbage, or the new age hippies with no sense of anything grounded in reality, or career driven narcissists. Bah. Get off my lawn. 😛 > > Oh well, I’ve fallen in love with my hobbies and books. And my kiddos and friends make me happy mostly. That and beer, and yoga. And just doing a good job at work. > > It’s late and I decided to rant. Please forgive me. No worries, about ranting. I can understand frustration. What’s sexy is a combination of being good listener, a good conversationalist, an empathic listener, a person with hobbies and interests, and self confidence. ---
**Author:** ![Velocity](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/velocity/32/18006_2.png) [@Velocity](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Velocity)\ **Post date:** [November 22, 2016, 4:32pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-do-some-people-find-it-difficult-to-lose-their-virginity/772253/93 "2016-11-22T16:32:38Z")
To kind of go off of what \*\*Bullitt \*\*said above, it also depends on what the people you are trying to attract are accustomed to. If you are trying to attract people who are accustomed to being surrounded by thoughtful, intelligent, humorous people, then your being thoughtful, intelligent or humorous won’t do much at all; kind of like a romance version of scarcity and economics. If you are trying to attract a man who is surrounded by beautiful women, then your good looks will have much less effect than attracting a man who is surrounded by ugly women. If you are trying to attract a woman who is accustomed to wealth and affluence, then your high income means much less than if a woman is accustomed to poverty and low income. Not being harsh or Machiavellian, just stating facts. Some men, for instance, express frustration over not being able to attract the women they want, when the reason for that is because they are going after women who have it ‘good’ in life (i.e., are surrounded by high-quality potential mates) and hence are much harder to attract. ---
**Author:** ![Channing\_Idaho\_Banks](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/channing_idaho_banks/32/250_2.png) [@Channing\_Idaho\_Banks](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Channing_Idaho_Banks)\ **Post date:** [November 22, 2016, 4:53pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-do-some-people-find-it-difficult-to-lose-their-virginity/772253/94 "2016-11-22T16:53:48Z")
This thread has made me wonder how many people go through life without ever having an intimate relationship or sexual experience. Kind of makes you understand why someone would become a monk. ---
**Author:** ![Robot\_Arm](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/robot_arm/32/18280_2.png) [@Robot\_Arm](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Robot_Arm)\ **Post date:** [November 22, 2016, 7:28pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-do-some-people-find-it-difficult-to-lose-their-virginity/772253/95 "2016-11-22T19:28:36Z")
> [@Quasimodal](#): > > Maybe I should just be honest that in the looks department I’m probably somewhere around average, and in the money department I’m also somewhere around average as a teacher. For most people that’s what matters. Engineers, Drs, Lawyers, etc are sexy. Teachers are not apparently. And no parents helping me here. Yep I’m a well educated, independent male. Not sexy and maybe intimidating. I’ve been an engineer. It didn’t help. ---
**Author:** ![LSLGuy](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/lslguy/32/5813_2.png) [@LSLGuy](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/LSLGuy)\ **Post date:** [November 22, 2016, 8:38pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-do-some-people-find-it-difficult-to-lose-their-virginity/772253/96 "2016-11-22T20:38:43Z")
> [@Velocity](#): > > … > Not being harsh or Machiavellian, just stating facts. Some men, for instance, express frustration over not being able to attract the women they want, when the reason for that is because they are going after women who have it ‘good’ in life (i.e., are surrounded by high-quality potential mates) and hence are much harder to attract. Said another way, everyone’s a 6 trying to attract 7s who are themselves chasing 8s. Substitute whatever number fits you at the start of that inequality. Hetero, homo, male, female, human, chimp, dog, or prairie chicken; those things don’t matter. 6\<7\<8 is the fundamental rule of the sexual reproduction universe. Ask male peacocks how much fun dragging that stupid tail around all day is. Not. ---
**Author:** ![Quasimodal](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/q/57b2e6/32.png) [@Quasimodal](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Quasimodal)\ **Post date:** [November 22, 2016, 11:51pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-do-some-people-find-it-difficult-to-lose-their-virginity/772253/97 "2016-11-22T23:51:06Z")
To add…the people who have left me haven’t “yet” been very successful relationship wise either, so I find that interesting. Living well is the best “revenge” as they say.Though I dislike “revenge” I do like to live well and let that success be my noise. Just booked a holiday! Finished reading a great book! Have dance tonight! And it’s almost payday. Also my job performance is going well. Things feel pretty good all over. My new addage: I’m going invite people to walk beside me. Rather than me walk to them. 😃 ---
**Author:** ![Magiver](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/4491bb/32.png) [@Magiver](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Magiver)\ **Post date:** [November 23, 2016, 12:02am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-do-some-people-find-it-difficult-to-lose-their-virginity/772253/98 "2016-11-23T00:02:26Z")
> [@femmejean](#): > > What causes some men or perhaps even women to have trouble losing virginity in their early years? Assuming that they have some interest in sex/romance and are not driven to extremes hiring a prostitute? Some people aren’t sponge worthy. It’s not any more complicated an explanation then that. I mean really, you’re surprised that a murderer has social issues? ---
**Author:** ![John\_DiFool](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/john_difool/32/19543_2.png) [@John\_DiFool](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/John_DiFool)\ **Post date:** [November 23, 2016, 2:05am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-do-some-people-find-it-difficult-to-lose-their-virginity/772253/99 "2016-11-23T02:05:43Z")
> [@LSLGuy](#): > > Said another way, everyone’s a 6 trying to attract 7s who are themselves chasing 8s. Substitute whatever number fits you at the start of that inequality. > > Hetero, homo, male, female, human, chimp, dog, or prairie chicken; those things don’t matter. 6\<7\<8 is the fundamental rule of the sexual reproduction universe. Ask male peacocks how much fun dragging that stupid tail around all day is. Not. I find it deeply offensive, if not banally simplistic (in general, not necessarily a dig vs. you) that a single number can sum up someone’s desireability. That it is impossible for me to find a gem in the rough who has qualities that I personally look for, and admire, that most everyone else has overlooked or has devalued. ---
**Author:** ![LSLGuy](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/lslguy/32/5813_2.png) [@LSLGuy](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/LSLGuy)\ **Post date:** [November 23, 2016, 2:31am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-do-some-people-find-it-difficult-to-lose-their-virginity/772253/100 "2016-11-23T02:31:16Z")
Good point. There is a large variety of both male & female people. So the idea of finding the ideal puzzle piece that fits with your own and them doing the same makes sense. Certainly the essential conceit of the computer questionnaire matchmaking services is to match the many highs and lows of the key and lock so to speak. Which is a lot more multi-dimensional than a simple “chase the youngest chicks with the biggest breasts” rubric. OTOH, an awful lot of people seem to look first and foremost for the obvious stuff. Some folks stop right there and date or marry the first Barbie or Ken they find. With predictably poor results. Even beyond that, even folks who have fairly deep well-thought-out criteria for their mate would also be happy if by magic their mate could suddenly be a bit cuter or richer or better-spoken or more fun. That list of desiderata is IMO pretty consistent in everyone. Truly quirky folks want truly quirky mates. Hooray for them; nothing better to see than two quirkies in love. Makes them deliriously happy and saves them plus two other folks from misery had they paired off differently. But that’s the exception that proves the rule: The bulk of people are looking mostly for the simple common stuff. Which can be scored on a roughly one-dimensional scale. Plus whatever magic “chemistry” happens with their MHC differences when they first get close enough to sniff. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-do-some-people-find-it-difficult-to-lose-their-virginity/772253.md?page=4) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-do-some-people-find-it-difficult-to-lose-their-virginity/772253.md?page=6)