# How do u tell one of your best friends that your a lesbian and u have a crush on her? **URL:** \ **Category:** In My Humble Opinion\ **Created:** [November 15, 2004, 3:27am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-do-u-tell-one-of-your-best-friends-that-your-a-lesbian-and-u-have-a-crush-on-her/274811 "2004-11-15T03:27:00Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 2
**Author:** ![CanvasShoes](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/74df32/32.png) [@CanvasShoes](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/CanvasShoes)\ **Post date:** [November 15, 2004, 8:01am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-do-u-tell-one-of-your-best-friends-that-your-a-lesbian-and-u-have-a-crush-on-her/274811/21 "2004-11-15T08:01:39Z")
Ooops, nevermind, I see where it was explained above. As to the OP, as someone else said, check out what your friend says and does. It sounds as if you’re possibly somewhat young. Teens? Early 20s? If I remember MY teens and early 20s and if they’re representative of most young females, she’ll likely spend a lot of time referring to “cute guys” if she’s straight as an arrow. And I can’t imagine her not “getting” that you’re attracted to her. I was as sheltered and ignorant of homosexuality as a newborn lamb when I was that age, and I still managed to sense a different sort of “look/vibes” from one of my female friends. (I still had to have it explained to me by more worldly friends, but I certainly felt the looks and vibes she sent my way). So if your friend is like-minded, I’d think that she likely will send vibes back, or at the very least, she’ll leave clues for you like “OMG isn’t Brad Pitt (insert correct male idol here) so hot”??? Or, “my boyfriend this/my boyfriend that” and so on. ---
**Author:** ![Typo\_Negative](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/typo_negative/32/484_2.png) [@Typo\_Negative](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Typo_Negative)\ **Post date:** [November 15, 2004, 9:20am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-do-u-tell-one-of-your-best-friends-that-your-a-lesbian-and-u-have-a-crush-on-her/274811/22 "2004-11-15T09:20:22Z")
> [@astro](#): > > Q: What does an 80 year old lesbian taste like? > A: Depends That one is going to haunt me for years to come… ---
**Author:** ![KidCharlemagne](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/k/ed8c4c/32.png) [@KidCharlemagne](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/KidCharlemagne)\ **Post date:** [November 15, 2004, 12:57pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-do-u-tell-one-of-your-best-friends-that-your-a-lesbian-and-u-have-a-crush-on-her/274811/23 "2004-11-15T12:57:33Z")
How long have you been friends with her? I think that makes a big difference in how you should approach. Like others have said, I would start with the lesbian thing way before the crush thing. ---
**Author:** ![wonky](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/wonky/32/393_2.png) [@wonky](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/wonky)\ **Post date:** [November 15, 2004, 1:39pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-do-u-tell-one-of-your-best-friends-that-your-a-lesbian-and-u-have-a-crush-on-her/274811/24 "2004-11-15T13:39:33Z")
> [@Cajun Man](#): > > Knock off the cheap shots, **jsgoddess**. > > **Cajun Man** > for the SDMB Apologies to **xtremefreak612**. She sent my bs-o-meter into the red, though that’s no excuse for snarkiness. ---
**Author:** ![wonky](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/wonky/32/393_2.png) [@wonky](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/wonky)\ **Post date:** [November 15, 2004, 4:10pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-do-u-tell-one-of-your-best-friends-that-your-a-lesbian-and-u-have-a-crush-on-her/274811/25 "2004-11-15T16:10:17Z")
> [@Otto](#): > > As to the OP, do you have any reason to believe that your friend is a lesbian? If not, then there is absolutely no point in telling her that you have a crush on her. Crushes fade over time. Friendships are much harder to cultivate. If I hadn’t been an ass, this is the advice I would have given the OP. Admitting to a crush might make a friendship awkward, especially if the object of your crush is a little homophobic–which many people are. I’m assuming that if she were a lot homophobic you’d already know that, but now that I think on it, that’s not a good assumption. Do you discuss sexuality with this friend? Again, **xtremefreak612** , I’m sorry for my jerkish comment, and I hope you’re still out there reading this. ---
**Author:** ![Magiver](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/4491bb/32.png) [@Magiver](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Magiver)\ **Post date:** [November 15, 2004, 5:41pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-do-u-tell-one-of-your-best-friends-that-your-a-lesbian-and-u-have-a-crush-on-her/274811/26 "2004-11-15T17:41:38Z")
> [@Freejooky](#): > > Here’s a question - are you already a lesbian, having been with other women and had girlfriends in the past, or have you just now assumed/decided that you’re a lesbian because you have a crush on your friend? > > If it’s the latter, it’s completely normal, and doesn’t “make” you a lesbian. If anything, it’ll help - tell her you’re _not_ a lesbian, but you still have a crush/feelings for her. See where it goes from there. Oh yeah, that’s the ticket. The uhaul will certainly come in handy at that point. Admitting your sexual preferences should be the end of the conversation, not the beginning. You owe your friend the honesty associated with friendship. You also owe her the discretion of not acting against her wishes, which I suspect will be made clear do you. You may not leer at her or have sexual thoughts about her (fellow men, are you listening). I’ve had guys (OK, 1 guy) make advances at me in a bar. It took numerous attempts to explain to him that because I never married I was somehow gay. I said everything but EWWWW. Don’t let your lust get in the way of a good relationship and don’t fantasize that you are going to convert her. ---
**Author:** ![Amazon\_Floozy\_Goddess](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/779978/32.png) [@Amazon\_Floozy\_Goddess](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Amazon_Floozy_Goddess)\ **Post date:** [November 15, 2004, 6:19pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-do-u-tell-one-of-your-best-friends-that-your-a-lesbian-and-u-have-a-crush-on-her/274811/27 "2004-11-15T18:19:40Z")
> [@Green Bean](#): > > And while **jsgoddess** ’s comment may have been less than polite, she was making a valid point. I’m not sure how familiar you are with these boards, but we do generally use standard grammar, spelling, capitalization, and punctuation. I found your post nearly impossible to comprehend. I suspect that you’ll find a better reception here if you express yourself coherently. I have to agree here. **xtremefreak612** , I’m sure you’re a bright young lady. The grammar and spelling that you used in your post, however, is the kind of thing that you see every day in the multitudes of “OMG I luv a sk8r LOL!!!111” sort of message boards that you see scattered around the web. The posters that frequent these boards are generally of very little intelligence. Therefore, posting in the same fashion may lead some people to assume the same of you. Make an effort to make your posts _sound_ intelligent, and you will be better received here. ---
**Author:** ![NurseCarmen](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/n/5daacb/32.png) [@NurseCarmen](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/NurseCarmen)\ **Post date:** [November 15, 2004, 6:22pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-do-u-tell-one-of-your-best-friends-that-your-a-lesbian-and-u-have-a-crush-on-her/274811/28 "2004-11-15T18:22:48Z")
I don’t see why **jsgodess’** post is being considered a cheap shot. For a board based on a column where smart alec humor is valued, why are folks so sensitive all the sudden? The writing style of the OP was poor. Goddess called her on it. And even though her post was masked in humor, she’s got a valid point. If **xtreme** ’s writing skills are that poor, she should avoid putting something this delicate into writing. Just because the topic is serious, doesn’t mean we can’t inject a little humor into it as well. Lighten up folks. ---
**Author:** ![malkavia](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/malkavia/32/5621_2.png) [@malkavia](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/malkavia)\ **Post date:** [November 15, 2004, 8:10pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-do-u-tell-one-of-your-best-friends-that-your-a-lesbian-and-u-have-a-crush-on-her/274811/29 "2004-11-15T20:10:44Z")
If it’s any consolation, **jsgoddess** , I opened this thread to respond and saw that you’d already beat me to the punchline. 😕 I thought it was pretty funny, but I guess it could come off snarky to someone who is fairly new. As to the OP, if the two of you are close enough to share your sexual interests, I might mention that I’ve had feelings for girls… if you’re not really the touchy-feely type of conversationalist, you might be able to work something like, “Dude, I’d totally do Angelina Jolie” into conversation. My best friend is a lesbian and she came out to me by saying, “Omigod, this girl in Customer Service (we were in the Tech Support dept) just asked me on a date… and I think I’m gonna say yes!” If she’s a good thing, I probably wouldn’t proactively bring up the crush. This has nothing to do with sexual orientation, mind you. I’d give you the same advice if it was a male friend you had a crush on. It’s just too easy to spoil a friendship over something silly like an unrequited crush. Tell her who you are and if there’s mutual interest, it’ll become apparent sooner or later. Good luck and let us know how it goes! ---
**Author:** ![malkavia](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/malkavia/32/5621_2.png) [@malkavia](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/malkavia)\ **Post date:** [November 15, 2004, 8:11pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-do-u-tell-one-of-your-best-friends-that-your-a-lesbian-and-u-have-a-crush-on-her/274811/30 "2004-11-15T20:11:52Z")
> [@malkavia](#): > > If she’s a good thing FRIEND. A good FRIEND. Jesus, don’t let me write her a letter either. ---
**Author:** ![Bosda\_Di\_Chi\_of\_Tricor](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/bosda_di_chi_of_tricor/32/16845_2.png) [@Bosda\_Di\_Chi\_of\_Tricor](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Bosda_Di_Chi_of_Tricor)\ **Post date:** [November 15, 2004, 8:20pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-do-u-tell-one-of-your-best-friends-that-your-a-lesbian-and-u-have-a-crush-on-her/274811/31 "2004-11-15T20:20:03Z")
Speaking as the most gifted jerk on the SDMB, **jsgoddess** , I must regard that as needlessly cruel, even by _my_ coarse & blunt standards. **xtremefreak612** --you are not a freak. You are a good person, & if you & she are good friends, you can easily tell her about being a lesbian. Trust her. Take things one step at a time after that. 🙂 ---
**Author:** ![Dangerosa](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/22d042/32.png) [@Dangerosa](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Dangerosa)\ **Post date:** [November 15, 2004, 8:27pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-do-u-tell-one-of-your-best-friends-that-your-a-lesbian-and-u-have-a-crush-on-her/274811/32 "2004-11-15T20:27:50Z")
Miss Manners, when presented with a similar question: The question was something like “I have a crush on a guy in the office. But I think he might be gay. How do I find out?” Her answer was something like “The only thing that matterd is if he is interested in YOU. If he is not, than his sexuality isn’t your business.” Your situation is a little different. I agree with the advice given. Let your friend know your sexuality, but not about the crush. Friends are hard to find (and you may be about to discover that she is not your friend). If she indicates a similar attraction towards women at any time, then you have an opening to telling her about the crush. Otherwise, keep your mouth shut on that topic. ---
**Author:** ![Burnt\_Sugar](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/ee59a6/32.png) [@Burnt\_Sugar](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Burnt_Sugar)\ **Post date:** [November 16, 2004, 8:48am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-do-u-tell-one-of-your-best-friends-that-your-a-lesbian-and-u-have-a-crush-on-her/274811/33 "2004-11-16T08:48:41Z")
> [@NurseCarmen](#): > > I don’t see why **jsgodess’** post is being considered a cheap shot. For a board based on a column where smart alec humor is valued, why are folks so sensitive all the sudden? The writing style of the OP was poor. Goddess called her on it. And even though her post was masked in humor, she’s got a valid point. If **xtreme** ’s writing skills are that poor, she should avoid putting something this delicate into writing. > > Just because the topic is serious, doesn’t mean we can’t inject a little humor into it as well. Lighten up folks. I agree - it’s like tradition here to reply to such an original post in such a way. Has everyone taken sensitivity pills? > [@Bosda Di'Chi of Tricor](#): > > Speaking as the most gifted jerk on the SDMB, **jsgoddess** , I must regard that as needlessly cruel, even by _my_ coarse & blunt standards. You’re admitting you’re a jerk? Does that mean you get banned now? :wally > [@Bosda Di'Chi of Tricor](#): > > **xtremefreak612** _snip_–you are not a freak. You are a good person… _snip_ How the hell do you know **xtremefreak612** is a good person? ---
**Author:** ![Czarcasm](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/czarcasm/32/4050_2.png) [@Czarcasm](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Czarcasm)\ **Post date:** [November 16, 2004, 12:13pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-do-u-tell-one-of-your-best-friends-that-your-a-lesbian-and-u-have-a-crush-on-her/274811/34 "2004-11-16T12:13:28Z")
> [@Burnt Sugar](#): > > I agree - it’s like tradition here to reply to such an original post in such a way. Has everyone taken sensitivity pills? > > You’re admitting you’re a jerk? Does that mean you get banned now? :wally > > How the hell do you know **xtremefreak612** is a good person? The “Putz” smiley is not appropriate here in IMHO-save it for The BBQ Pit, please. Why don’t we stick to addressing the OP and not each other. -Your friendly Neighborhood Czarcasm ---
**Author:** ![Anaamika](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/5f9b8f/32.png) [@Anaamika](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Anaamika)\ **Post date:** [November 16, 2004, 7:45pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-do-u-tell-one-of-your-best-friends-that-your-a-lesbian-and-u-have-a-crush-on-her/274811/35 "2004-11-16T19:45:44Z")
yeah, but how do we know it’s real? Has she come back? ---
**Author:** ![Pucette](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/278dde/32.png) [@Pucette](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Pucette)\ **Post date:** [November 16, 2004, 8:56pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-do-u-tell-one-of-your-best-friends-that-your-a-lesbian-and-u-have-a-crush-on-her/274811/36 "2004-11-16T20:56:49Z")
> [@Czarcasm](#): > > The “Putz” smiley is not appropriate here in IMHO-save it for The BBQ Pit, please. > Why don’t we stick to addressing the OP and not each other. > > -Your friendly Neighborhood Czarcasm Calling someone a fucking idiot in IMHO is inappropriate. The “Putz” smiley is 100% appropriate. Being upset by the use of a “Putz” smiley is inappropriate. God be praised Cecil didn’t write a response to the OP - he might have gotten banned… ---
**Author:** ![Czarcasm](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/czarcasm/32/4050_2.png) [@Czarcasm](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Czarcasm)\ **Post date:** [November 17, 2004, 3:22am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-do-u-tell-one-of-your-best-friends-that-your-a-lesbian-and-u-have-a-crush-on-her/274811/37 "2004-11-17T03:22:02Z")
> [@Pucette](#): > > Calling someone a fucking idiot in IMHO is inappropriate. The “Putz” smiley is 100% appropriate. Being upset by the use of a “Putz” smiley is inappropriate. > > God be praised Cecil didn’t write a response to the OP - he might have gotten banned… Here’s something else that is not appropriate-not following the advice of a Moderator. If I say do not use the “Putz!” smiley in IMHO, do not use it. If you wish to criticize this decision, you may do so in the _appropriate_ forum-The BBQ Pit. ---
**Author:** ![Guinastasia](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/guinastasia/32/5751_2.png) [@Guinastasia](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Guinastasia)\ **Post date:** [November 17, 2004, 3:28am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-do-u-tell-one-of-your-best-friends-that-your-a-lesbian-and-u-have-a-crush-on-her/274811/38 "2004-11-17T03:28:03Z")
> [@NurseCarmen](#): > > I don’t see why **jsgodess’** post is being considered a cheap shot. For a board based on a column where smart alec humor is valued, why are folks so sensitive all the sudden? The writing style of the OP was poor. Goddess called her on it. And even though her post was masked in humor, she’s got a valid point. If **xtreme** ’s writing skills are that poor, she should avoid putting something this delicate into writing. > > Just because the topic is serious, doesn’t mean we can’t inject a little humor into it as well. Lighten up folks. I’m guessing it’s because the OP is a newbie. If it were a veteran Doper, we’re all used to each other, so it wouldn’t matter so much. Are we allowed to use the :wally smiley affectionately, or jokingly, at least? ---
**Author:** ![Czarcasm](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/czarcasm/32/4050_2.png) [@Czarcasm](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Czarcasm)\ **Post date:** [November 17, 2004, 4:58am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-do-u-tell-one-of-your-best-friends-that-your-a-lesbian-and-u-have-a-crush-on-her/274811/39 "2004-11-17T04:58:53Z")
In the top sticky in Great Debates, second post, one of my compatriots states that the “Putz!” smiley is considered an insult in Great Debates. The same holds true here in IMHO. ---
**Author:** ![SmackFu](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/53a042/32.png) [@SmackFu](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/SmackFu)\ **Post date:** [November 17, 2004, 5:37am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-do-u-tell-one-of-your-best-friends-that-your-a-lesbian-and-u-have-a-crush-on-her/274811/40 "2004-11-17T05:37:33Z")
If only IMHO had its own sticky… [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-do-u-tell-one-of-your-best-friends-that-your-a-lesbian-and-u-have-a-crush-on-her/274811.md?page=1) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-do-u-tell-one-of-your-best-friends-that-your-a-lesbian-and-u-have-a-crush-on-her/274811.md?page=3)