# How do you answer the phone when you want to screw with people?
**URL:** https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-do-you-answer-the-phone-when-you-want-to-screw-with-people/38992
**Category:** In My Humble Opinion
**Created:** [October 30, 2000, 10:55pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-do-you-answer-the-phone-when-you-want-to-screw-with-people/38992 "2000-10-30T22:55:44Z")
**Posts on this page:** 20
**Page:** 3
### Author:  [@Jack\_Batty](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Jack_Batty)
#### Post date: [October 31, 2000, 3:58pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-do-you-answer-the-phone-when-you-want-to-screw-with-people/38992/41 "2000-10-31T15:58:43Z")
> [@](#):
>
> \*Originally posted by Sn-man \*
> \*\*When we bought our house we started receiving TM calls every day. \*\*
Well, with the pressures of a new house, Transcendental Meditation might have come in pretty handy.
Ooooooooohhhhhhhhhhmmmmmmmmmmm.
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### Author:  [@ThreeLeggedBob](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/ThreeLeggedBob)
#### Post date: [October 31, 2000, 4:42pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-do-you-answer-the-phone-when-you-want-to-screw-with-people/38992/42 "2000-10-31T16:42:04Z")
Act like you’re expecting the call, and in the middle of a conversation. For example:
“And another thing! Who’s going to pay for my roses?”
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### Author:  [@Poysyn](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Poysyn)
#### Post date: [October 31, 2000, 4:48pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-do-you-answer-the-phone-when-you-want-to-screw-with-people/38992/43 "2000-10-31T16:48:44Z")
Bob’s pool hall, your cue, shoot…
My grandpa answers telemarketers with “Thank God, I thought you were another bill collector.”
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### Author:  [@bovary](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/bovary)
#### Post date: [October 31, 2000, 5:33pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-do-you-answer-the-phone-when-you-want-to-screw-with-people/38992/44 "2000-10-31T17:33:07Z")
top of the world, god speaking
or
Joe’s gun shop, shoot
or
Yellow
or
talk to me
that’s about it I think
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### Author:  [@MysteryFellow63427](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/MysteryFellow63427)
#### Post date: [October 31, 2000, 6:48pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-do-you-answer-the-phone-when-you-want-to-screw-with-people/38992/45 "2000-10-31T18:48:34Z")
> [@](#):
>
> \*Originally posted by Annie-Xmas \*
> \*\*24 hour abortion clinic. You rape them, we scrape them.
>
> Of course, that was a lot funnier 20 years ago. \*\*
I would not have the guts to say that one to someone random.
These are really funny everyone. “Bob’s sperm bank, you squeeze it, we freeze it,” I’m going to have to use that one, **hypergirl** ;).
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### Author:  [@mega\_the\_roo](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/mega_the_roo)
#### Post date: [October 31, 2000, 7:08pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-do-you-answer-the-phone-when-you-want-to-screw-with-people/38992/46 "2000-10-31T19:08:58Z")
I just like to confuse people in my very simple way.
Say the phone rings and my friend Shelan’s name comes up on caller ID. When I answer the phone I simply switch the usual hello with, “Hi, is Shelan there?”
Oy, that messes people up.
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### Author:  [@Omniscient](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Omniscient)
#### Post date: [October 31, 2000, 8:16pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-do-you-answer-the-phone-when-you-want-to-screw-with-people/38992/47 "2000-10-31T20:16:09Z")
No Caller ID here, but that doesn’t stop me :). No one important ever calls anyways.
In college I always went with “Pizza Papa John’s” in a very quick, loud manner with an accent. This was good because virtually everyone had this pizza joint on their speed dial or memorized since they delivered large pizza’s for $6 til 3 AM everyday. So I’d answer this way, and without exception once a week I’d have someone stumbling to remember what they were supposed to order. The fact they were usually drunk helped too. I still use it now, but since no one recognizes the name anymore it isn’t any fun, just a habit.
I like to use the silent approach around dinnertime too, assuming its a telemarketer. Really messes with their rhythm.
I am definately going to use the “what are you wearing” plan with the next female telemarketer though. Thanks for the idea!
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### Author:  [@Bosda\_Di\_Chi\_of\_Tricor](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Bosda_Di_Chi_of_Tricor)
#### Post date: [October 31, 2000, 8:53pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-do-you-answer-the-phone-when-you-want-to-screw-with-people/38992/48 "2000-10-31T20:53:13Z")
“Secret headquarters of the Clowns For Crime. Bozo speaking.”
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### Author:  [@Blornx](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Blornx)
#### Post date: [October 31, 2000, 9:59pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-do-you-answer-the-phone-when-you-want-to-screw-with-people/38992/49 "2000-10-31T21:59:24Z")
“Bat Cave — Batman speaking!”
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### Author:  [@Edwardina](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Edwardina)
#### Post date: [November 1, 2000, 12:15am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-do-you-answer-the-phone-when-you-want-to-screw-with-people/38992/50 "2000-11-01T00:15:55Z")
“My house. Me speaking.” You’d be surprised how seems to stymie people.
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### Author:  [@Asianmagik](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Asianmagik)
#### Post date: [November 1, 2000, 12:28am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-do-you-answer-the-phone-when-you-want-to-screw-with-people/38992/51 "2000-11-01T00:28:27Z")
what my brother and i like to do is to play along with a wrong number. we would pretend to be the person that the wrong numberee is looking for. you should really try it sometime. you’d be in for some good laughs. there was this one female who called us once looking for her boyfriend and we played her to the point to where she wanted to breakup with him for saying such horrible things. we had also told her that her boyfriend was “out with some chic that stopped by”. i’m bad, defineley…defineley…bad!
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### Author:  [@Baker](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Baker)
#### Post date: [November 1, 2000, 3:46am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-do-you-answer-the-phone-when-you-want-to-screw-with-people/38992/52 "2000-11-01T03:46:13Z")
Pronouncing my surname sure seems to be difficult for folks who don’t know me, so as soon as I hear someone mangling my name I’m pretty sure it’s a telemarketer. And they usually ask for “Mrs” or “Miss” too. So I put on my best chilly voice and say “This is MS(name)” While they are stuttering trying to apologize and get back in good with me I hang up.
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### Author:  [@anya\_marie](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/anya_marie)
#### Post date: [November 1, 2000, 5:03pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-do-you-answer-the-phone-when-you-want-to-screw-with-people/38992/53 "2000-11-01T17:03:38Z")
i like these! i want to answre “mama rosie’s juke joint!one tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor!”
“nickel night at the whorehouse”
since i answer the phone when my sister’s friends call “carrie’s bar and grill! this is nikki the receptionist, how can i direct your call?”
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### Author:  [@SwimmingRiddles](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/SwimmingRiddles)
#### Post date: [November 1, 2000, 6:12pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-do-you-answer-the-phone-when-you-want-to-screw-with-people/38992/54 "2000-11-01T18:12:01Z")
> [@](#):
>
> \*Originally posted by Annie-Xmas \*
> \*\*24 hour abortion clinic. You rape them, we scrape them.
>
> Of course, that was a lot funnier 20 years ago. \*\*
At the risk of sounding like a wet blanket, I find nothing funny about that at all. ☹
The other day I got a wrong number. Went something like this;
Me: Hello?
Other Guy: Who is this?
Me: Excuse me?
OG: Who am I talking to?
Me: You called me. I’m not telling you my name.
OG: Oh, OK. I’m looking for my daughter Haley.
Me: Yea, well, you have the wrong number.
OG: Well, what number did I dial?
Me: You know what? I think that’s your department.
OG: Oh. I have Haley’s number as 555-xxyx.
Me: That’s my number. And there aren’t any Haleys here. As a matter of fact, I get calls for her all the time, and I don’t know any Haleys.
OG: Oh. I guess Haley’s number must be 555-xyxx.
Me: Whatever. Bye.
The guy was SUCH an ass, like I was his friggen operator or something. Feh.
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### Author:  [@Shirley\_Ujest](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Shirley_Ujest)
#### Post date: [November 1, 2000, 10:33pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-do-you-answer-the-phone-when-you-want-to-screw-with-people/38992/55 "2000-11-01T22:33:18Z")
“Dewey, Cheetham & Howe”
You’d be amazed how many don’t get that one.
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### Author:  [@Malarky](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Malarky)
#### Post date: [November 2, 2000, 12:13am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-do-you-answer-the-phone-when-you-want-to-screw-with-people/38992/56 "2000-11-02T00:13:31Z")
> [@](#):
>
> \*Originally posted by Shirley Ujest \*
> \*\*“Dewey, Cheetham & Howe”
>
> You’d be amazed how many don’t get that one. \*\*
Ummmmmmmmmmmmmm…I don’t get that one 😃
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### Author:  [@BiblioCat](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/BiblioCat)
#### Post date: [November 2, 2000, 12:23am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-do-you-answer-the-phone-when-you-want-to-screw-with-people/38992/57 "2000-11-02T00:23:29Z")
> [@](#):
>
> \*Originally posted by Baker \*
> \*\*Pronouncing my surname sure seems to be difficult for folks who don’t know me, so as soon as I hear someone mangling my name I’m pretty sure it’s a telemarketer. And they usually ask for “Mrs” or “Miss” too. So I put on my best chilly voice and say “This is MS(name)” While they are stuttering trying to apologize and get back in good with me I hang up. \*\*
I commented on this a whle ago in another thread…was it about last names or telemarketers?
Ok, it was this thread:
[http://boards.straightdope.com/sdmb/showthread.php?threadid=38003](http://boards.straightdope.com/sdmb/showthread.php?threadid=38003)
Whatever.
When someone calls and mangles my long (12 letters) Italian surname, I answer truthfully, “There’s no one here by that name” and hang up. 😃
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### Author:  [@Trout\_Mask\_Replica](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Trout_Mask_Replica)
#### Post date: [November 2, 2000, 2:52pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-do-you-answer-the-phone-when-you-want-to-screw-with-people/38992/58 "2000-11-02T14:52:15Z")
Screwing with telemarketers:
TM: Hello, is Mr. Replica there?
ME (frostily): That’s _Ms._ Replica.
TM: Hello, is Mr. Replica available?
ME: No he isn’t, and I’m afraid he won’t be available until he gets out of Walpole in six to twelve months.
TM: Hello, may I speak to Mr. Replica?
ME: He’s not here, and if you see that sonofabitch, you tell him Fat Tony wants his money.
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### Author:  [@toonerama](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/toonerama)
#### Post date: [November 2, 2000, 3:01pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-do-you-answer-the-phone-when-you-want-to-screw-with-people/38992/59 "2000-11-02T15:01:43Z")
What is it about the pizza joints?
I frequently answer “Chinese Pizza, we deriver” and I have no idea where that comes from.
If I’m in the mood, I’ll somtimes answer in a short slightly snappy way:
“Speak”
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### Author:  [@Sam\_the\_1](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Sam_the_1)
#### Post date: [November 3, 2000, 2:57am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-do-you-answer-the-phone-when-you-want-to-screw-with-people/38992/60 "2000-11-03T02:57:04Z")
“Hello. Pot o’ Gold”
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