# How do you become a mod?
**URL:** https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-do-you-become-a-mod/50065
**Category:** About This Message Board
**Created:** [January 15, 2001, 1:47am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-do-you-become-a-mod/50065 "2001-01-15T01:47:32Z")
**Posts on this page:** 20
**Page:** 1
### Author:  [@Mercutio](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Mercutio)
#### Post date: [January 15, 2001, 1:47am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-do-you-become-a-mod/50065/1 "2001-01-15T01:47:32Z")
I am relatively new here so I am very interested about how someone becomes a mod. To me, it just seems the come out of nowhere.
Anyone know?
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### Author:  [@Kat](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Kat)
#### Post date: [January 15, 2001, 2:07am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-do-you-become-a-mod/50065/2 "2001-01-15T02:07:29Z")
[How do I get to be a moderator](http://boards.straightdope.com/sdmb/showthread.php?threadid=53909)
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### Author:  [@samclem](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/samclem)
#### Post date: [January 15, 2001, 2:16am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-do-you-become-a-mod/50065/3 "2001-01-15T02:16:58Z")
Make a mistake, and they, indeed, come out of nowhere. đ
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### Author:  [@Eutychus](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Eutychus)
#### Post date: [January 15, 2001, 8:30am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-do-you-become-a-mod/50065/4 "2001-01-15T08:30:49Z")
Moderatio ex Nihilo.
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### Author:  [@SPOOFE](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/SPOOFE)
#### Post date: [January 15, 2001, 10:22am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-do-you-become-a-mod/50065/5 "2001-01-15T10:22:47Z")
> [@](#):
>
> How do you become a mod?
Pucker up, Mercky! đ (Just kiddinâ, oâcourse⌠youâve also gotta have a bit oâ brains behind those lips, too, yâknow.)
---
### Author:  [@Fenris](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Fenris)
#### Post date: [January 16, 2001, 3:34am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-do-you-become-a-mod/50065/6 "2001-01-16T03:34:30Z")
**The Birth of a Mod: A Play**
By Fenris
The Scene: The darkest night in the hinterlands of Ultima-Thule
Dramatis Personae:
Coldfire, a world-weary Doper
Lynn Bodini, TubaDiva: Evil Succubi, who make the SDMB function, thus better to steal our time and souls
Cecil (played by a Halogen spotlight off stage left): All that is good and true. He doesnât do anything in the play, but is a presence that is felt throughout.
Curtain Rises
Coldfire (muses): Sigh, I am world-weary. I have over 5000 posts to my name, and yetâŚI am unfulfilled. Alas.
Looking off into the northern wastes (stage right):
Coldfire: But what is this?
He walks over, sees a cauldron
Coldfire: A cauldron! In the northern wastes! How Odd!
Reaching into his backpack, he pulls out a box of Godiva chocolates.
Coldfire: I thought these would be good but Iâm not in the mood. Iâll just throw them into the cauldron. Littering is wrong.
He does. A tremendous explosion rings out. Lynn and Tuba appear.
Tuba: Who is this who has summoned us?
Coldfire (unconcerned, but still world-weary): Hi Tuba! Itâs just me.
Lynn: You have invoked us with the powers of Dark Chocolate! What would you have of us?
Coldfire: I dunno. It was kind of an accident.
Tuba: Accident!? You have summoned us frivolously? You must pay!
Lynn and Tuba huddle together for a moment.
A spotlight strikes Coldfire, enveloping him in a reddish nimbus of light.
Tuba: For your worthy posts, we spare you from eternal torment, but you must still be punished for your frivolous summoning of us!
Lynn (cackles madly): Therefore, henceforth, you shall be a MODERATOR! Pit threads will be started about you! Trolls shall hound you. Newbies will whine when you move their posts to the right forum! Now use your powers well, or weâll make you an Administrator!
Tuba and Lynn vanish in a puff of smoke
Coldfire falls to the ground on his knees, spreads his arms and throws his head back as he cries out in anguish.
Coldfire: NNNNOOoooooOooooOoOO!
## Curtain
At least, thatâs how it shoulda happened.
Fenris
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### Author:  [@sulawesi](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/sulawesi)
#### Post date: [January 16, 2001, 5:07am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-do-you-become-a-mod/50065/7 "2001-01-16T05:07:56Z")
Fenris⌠you are really, really strange. đ
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### Author:  [@Coldfire](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Coldfire)
#### Post date: [January 16, 2001, 9:41am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-do-you-become-a-mod/50065/8 "2001-01-16T09:41:17Z")
Spot-on, Fenris. But thatâs just _my_ tale of Horror. I urge you not to tell about **UncleBeers** rite of passage. That poor goat has never been able to walk againâŚ
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### Author:  [@UncleBeer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/UncleBeer)
#### Post date: [January 16, 2001, 11:52am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-do-you-become-a-mod/50065/9 "2001-01-16T11:52:59Z")
Sheeee-_it_, Coldy. How many times we gotta tell ya? It _wasnât_ a flippinâ goat. How the fuck can you keep confusing an capybara with a damned goat? Goats are of the genus _Capra_, is that what flummoxes your tiny little tulip brain?
Here, try this [English to Dutch](http://dictionaries.travlang.com/EnglishDutch/) translator.
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### Author:  [@Coldfire](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Coldfire)
#### Post date: [January 16, 2001, 12:16pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-do-you-become-a-mod/50065/10 "2001-01-16T12:16:20Z")
> [@](#):
>
> Result of search for âcapybaraâ:
>
> No matching entries found.
No good, that translator of yours!
OK, so I had to look up what a [capybara](http://www.skl.com/~merl/capybara.htm) was. Honest to God, Iâve never seen this creature in my entire life.
It **was** a goat, Unc. Donât be ashamed. I got a plastic _pig_ for Christmas.
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### Author:  [@Fenris](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Fenris)
#### Post date: [January 16, 2001, 1:11pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-do-you-become-a-mod/50065/11 "2001-01-16T13:11:09Z")
> [@](#):
>
> \*Originally posted by Coldfire \*
> \*\*Spot-on, Fenris. But thatâs just _my_ tale of Horror. I urge you not to tell about **UncleBeers** rite of passage. That poor goat has never been able to walk again⌠\*\*
Sorry Coldfire. The Truth MUST BE TOLD!:
In the _pulse pounding tradition of **the House Of Ideas** _
Fen-(the Wolf)-ris proudly presents
**(BECAUSE YOU, TRUE BELIEVER, DEMANDED IT!)**
The Secret Origin of Uncle Beer
(Caption) Not to long ago, in a major metropolitan city, an experiment was going awry.
Scientist: This dimensional portal isnât working right. N-hey. Laaaady!
Glowing hole in the air appears behind the scientist.
(Steve Ditko-esque panel showing pathways to nowhere floating in space, giant poison-dripping fangs floating around. That sort of thing. A menacing thing with entirely too many tentacles begins to slink towards the portal)
Scientist: Iâll have a beer. Thatâll calm my nerves and relax me.
He gets a beer, and turns back towards the portal, just as the _thing_ darts out. It hits the beer-can in the scientistâs hand and _merges_ with it. The force of the impact causes the beer can to fly out the window.
Next scene:
The Man-Who-Would-Become-Uncle-Beer is strolling along when the now-mystically imbued beer-can comes plummeting down on his head.
Not-Yet-Uncle-Beer: Holding his head \ âŚthâ hell?!
He spots the beer can, the cursing stops at once: Oh. Nevermind.
He opens the can and drinks the beer, not noticing itâs _eldrich_ glow.
Uncle Beer: I feelâŚdifferent. Stronger! Great taste! Less Filling! I HAVE ALL THE POWERS OF A CAN OF BEER!
A wandering goat, in the confusion has started nibbling on Uncle Beerâs trousers.
Uncle Beer: Aaaa! Get off me, Goat!
Uncle Beer reflexively kicks his leg, but, not remembering his new-found Beer powers, accidentally sends the goat flying over the horizon.
Uncle Beer: I didnât meanâŚIâm responsibleâŚThat Poor Goat! I swear that from now on, I wlll always remember that with Great Beer comes Great Responsiblity. I must always remember to use these tremendous powers only for GOOD!
Bodini-Babe and Tuba-Diva fly up, capes fluttering in the wind.
Bodini-Babe: I thought I heard an origin! We are members of the Cecil Brigade! We are dedicated to stamping out ignorance everywhere!
Tuba-Diva: Will you join us in our crusade as a Moderator and use your powers to squash trolls, move topics to the right place, and occasionally make witty, sarcastic remarks?
Uncle Beer: (in a serious voice): I will.
And so it was, True Believer. Face Front and Excelsior!
See, Mercutio, thereâre lots of ways to become a Mod.
Fightinâ Fenris
(Historical note: Uncle Beerâs origin above, is veryâŚ(ahem)VERY similar to Bouncing Boyâs from the Legion of Super-Heroes. I draw no conclusions)
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### Author:  [@London\_Calling](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/London_Calling)
#### Post date: [January 16, 2001, 1:28pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-do-you-become-a-mod/50065/12 "2001-01-16T13:28:11Z")
> [@](#):
>
> \*Originally posted by Fenris \*
> Lynn and Tuba huddle together for a moment.
> \*\*
VeryâŚunusual work, Ferris. Iâd suggest this is the area that needs to be expanded on, possibly, oh I donât know⌠in a sensual fashionâŚsomething about two women âdiscovering each otherâ might work⌠to act as a counterpoint to your main thrust (of course). Try not to be so reserved, just go with the idea. I think you show considerable promise. Now, what they wearinâ (hint: Fishnets are back in vogue) ?
I think this is definately the way to go if you want to really impress the Mods !
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### Author:  [@Lynn\_Bodoni](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Lynn_Bodoni)
#### Post date: [January 16, 2001, 1:45pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-do-you-become-a-mod/50065/13 "2001-01-16T13:45:39Z")
> [@](#):
>
> Bodini
Two Os! One I! Not the other way around!
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### Author:  [@Fenris](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Fenris)
#### Post date: [January 16, 2001, 2:07pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-do-you-become-a-mod/50065/14 "2001-01-16T14:07:39Z")
> [@](#):
>
> \*Originally posted by Lynn Bodoni \*
> \*\*
>
> > [@](#):
> >
> > Bodini
>
> Two Os! One I! Not the other way around! \*\*
I looked! I double checked! I know! (Can I blame it on the board software?)
::Looks around. Sees disapproving stares::
UmâŚthen can I blame it on my spell checker?
::more disapproving stares::
Didnât think so.
Oops.
Sorry 'bout that. I did look and somehow my brain failed to communicate the info to my fingers. Mea Culpa!
Fenris
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### Author:  [@UncleBeer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/UncleBeer)
#### Post date: [January 16, 2001, 7:10pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-do-you-become-a-mod/50065/15 "2001-01-16T19:10:35Z")
Fenris, yer scarinâ me man. That was _uncanny_.
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### Author:  [@Fenris](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Fenris)
#### Post date: [January 16, 2001, 11:58pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-do-you-become-a-mod/50065/16 "2001-01-16T23:58:18Z")
> [@](#):
>
> \*Originally posted by UncleBeer \*
> \*\*Fenris, yer scarinâ me man. That was _uncanny_. \*\*
Thangkew! For my next (and probably final) origin, I present a brief interview with David B
\
Fenris: So tell me David B How did you become a moderator?
David B: There was a call for volunteers. I applied, Lynn picked me, I accepted.
Fenris: ButâŚweâve recently heard rumors of para-dimensional creatures in beer cans and dark, Northern rituals.
David B:\: That stuff? Hah. Thatâs what they peddle to the masses. Coldie and Uncle Beer applied and were picked, same as me. You donât _believe_ that stuff about mutant capybaras and cauldrons do you?
\
David B \: As a matter of fact, Mr. Fenris [sup]If that[/sup]is [sup]your real name[/sup], I accuse you of spreading ignorance by creating these obvious origin hoaxes. We applied, Lynn or Tuba picked, we accepted. Itâs the same for all of us! Youâre about to be reported to Snopes _and_ the Skeptical Enquirer!
Fenris \: Really, David. If thatâs true, then how do you explain this?
\
David B \: Wires.
\
David B \: More wires. Occamâs Razor!
Fenris: Or this?
\
David B: More trickery. Really, guys, I expected better of you. An application, a response from one of the admins. Acceptance. What more do I need to say?
\
Coldfire: Well, David, you have something to say to the nice people?
David B \:Yes. Our. Investiture. As. Mods. Involved. Many. Dark. And. Unspeakable. Rituals. Sacrifices. To. Cecil. Also. Mutants. Or. Space. Demons. Thank. You.
\
\
Fenris (whoâs gonna stop the origins now, before they get stale.)
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### Author:  [@iampunha](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/iampunha)
#### Post date: [January 17, 2001, 2:25am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-do-you-become-a-mod/50065/17 "2001-01-17T02:25:22Z")
Fenris, you have way too much time on your hands.
đ
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### Author:  [@Chronos](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Chronos)
#### Post date: [January 17, 2001, 9:14am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-do-you-become-a-mod/50065/18 "2001-01-17T09:14:16Z")
Oh, sure, I understand. **UncleBeer** gets a dimensional portal, but me? Noooo⌠Youâd think that **Chronos** , the Incarnation of Time would at _least_ warrant a little temporal anomaly or somethinââŚ
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### Author:  [@Fenris](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Fenris)
#### Post date: [January 17, 2001, 3:11pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-do-you-become-a-mod/50065/19 "2001-01-17T15:11:28Z")
> [@](#):
>
> \*Originally posted by Chronos \*
> \*\*Oh, sure, I understand. **UncleBeer** gets a dimensional portal, but me? Noooo⌠Youâd think that **Chronos** , the Incarnation of Time would at _least_ warrant a little temporal anomaly or somethinâ⌠\*\*
Ok. (Ow! Quit twisting my arm!)âŚYou want an origin? You got one!
_Fenris Productions Presents_
**CHRONOS! THE MUSICAL!**
or [The Guy, The Gold Watch, and Everything]
Scene:
A busy street in a major metropolitan city. Crowds of extras are walking briskly. The camera falls on a nebbish-y-looking guy.
Chronos-To-Be \:
Iâm just a guy who donât have time
I always show up real late
Even though Iâm quite a guy
The foodâs always cold on my plateâŚetc.
He tells us in a long solilioquy how heâs lost his job and his girl 'cause heâs always late for everything.
While wandering, he finds one of those little shops filled with dusty relics that wasnât there the day before and finds a pocket watch. He buys it and soon finds that he can freeze time when he presses a button on the watch. It also turns him into a handsome, dashing man-about-town.
Chronos sings:
This is a real nice timepiece
Iâm mighty glad itâs mine
Those minutes Iâll save
Will make me rave
Now Iâll have plenty of time.
Chronos sets out to do GOOD WORKS. Using his magic watch, he stops bank robberies, rescues people from the path of drunk drivers and guides newbies to the proper forums in those moments of frozen time.
However, late in the second act, Chronos gets into a heated arguement (read: bar-bet) over that third word that ends in âgryâ, Chronos uses the watch for personal gain. He freezes time to run to the library. He searches through the OED, while time is frozen. As heâs going back to the bar, time slowly starts again. Chronos realizes the watch is LOST.
Chronos sings:
The Watch is Gone! How wrong!
Now, how will I get along?
My tempâral powers have flown!
I really feel so sad
That bar-bet was so bad
Now I am all Aaaaa-loooone!
As he approaches the bar, he realizes that thereâs a building on fire. A little girl screams from the top floor! If only he had the watch! Oh well, itâs a risk he must take! He rushes into the building and time freezes! He rescues the little girl.
Chronos sings:
Little Gold Clock
Boy, how you rock
I res-cued that kid
Little Gold Clock
Boy, how you rock
I saved her, I did!
Just then, even though time is frozen, two women dressed in glittery, futuristic outfits appear.
Bo-Doni: Chronos! I am Bo-Doni of Cecilâs Temporal Rangers! You have used your time-powers wisely. Will you join our crusade to stamp out ignorance? We could use your mastery of time in the General Questions forum!
Chronos \: Iâd love to but I canât. IâveâŚlost the watch! \ But thenâŚhow did I save that girl?
Two-Bah(the other time-patrolwoman, also in glittery spandex) \:
Chronos my dear,
Never you fear
Youâve done really well
You must see itâs true
The powerâs in you
And we! think! that! youâre! swell!
Chronos \
The Powerâs in me?
Well golly-gee
That makes my heart throb.
My powers of time
Will make the world fine!
I! Will! Take! Your! Job!
\
\
(Note that Chronosâs origin follows the classical musical formula: Boy Meets Magical Watch, Boy Loses Magical Watch, Boy Gets Magical Watch)
Fenris
---
### Author:  [@John\_Corrado](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/John_Corrado)
#### Post date: [January 17, 2001, 6:01pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-do-you-become-a-mod/50065/20 "2001-01-17T18:01:25Z")
Fenris, youâre a scary, scary lad.
I admire that in a person.
âWith great beer comes great responsibilityâ may become one of my new catchphrasesâŚ
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