# How do you cope with losing everything **URL:** \ **Category:** In My Humble Opinion\ **Created:** [June 1, 2016, 5:40am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-do-you-cope-with-losing-everything/756210 "2016-06-01T05:40:38Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 1
**Author:** ![forinternetuse](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/f/f4b2a3/32.png) [@forinternetuse](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/forinternetuse)\ **Post date:** [June 1, 2016, 5:40am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-do-you-cope-with-losing-everything/756210/1 "2016-06-01T05:40:38Z")
I’m just struggling a little with how to cope at the moment. I have a boyfriend that I love more than anything but i’m picking he wants to break up, he’s been really quiet this week, ignoring most my messages then said he wants to “chill on his own this week”. I know hes not cheating. My problem is I simply can’t work out what meaning my life has without him. He is my entire world and without him i don’t want a world. Whenever i think about losing him i break down in tears and just can’t seem to cope, and I am not they crying type. I have some good friends but I don’t want to talk to any of them about it. The only person that makes me feel better when I’m sad is him, once he is gone I have nothing and no one. I guess I’m just lost and don’t know where to turn. ---
**Author:** ![engineer\_comp\_geek](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/engineer_comp_geek/32/504_2.png) [@engineer\_comp\_geek](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/engineer_comp_geek)\ **Post date:** [June 1, 2016, 6:00am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-do-you-cope-with-losing-everything/756210/2 "2016-06-01T06:00:34Z")
**Moderator Action** Welcome to the SDMB, **forinternetuse**. Please note that we do not allow cross-posting here. I have closed your other thread as it was a duplicate of this one. The correct forum for threads seeking advice and opinions is our In My Humble Opinion forum. I will move this thread there for you. Moving thread from MPSIMS to IMHO. ---
**Author:** ![sitchensis](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/sitchensis/32/4892_2.png) [@sitchensis](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/sitchensis)\ **Post date:** [June 1, 2016, 6:01am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-do-you-cope-with-losing-everything/756210/3 "2016-06-01T06:01:21Z")
When your older you’ll laugh at this post. Let time handle this. ---
**Author:** ![kambuckta](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/k/53a042/32.png) [@kambuckta](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/kambuckta)\ **Post date:** [June 1, 2016, 6:16am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-do-you-cope-with-losing-everything/756210/4 "2016-06-01T06:16:46Z")
> [@sitchensis](#): > > When your older you’ll laugh at this post. Let time handle this. This ^^^ This fellow is not ‘everything’ and your life is not meaningless without him. You managed to survive until the time you met him perfectly well, and will continue to do so when he disappears from your life. Just for the record, how old are you? ---
**Author:** ![gkster](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/gkster/32/14107_2.png) [@gkster](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/gkster)\ **Post date:** [June 1, 2016, 6:17am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-do-you-cope-with-losing-everything/756210/5 "2016-06-01T06:17:37Z")
Your’re going through one of life’s most painful experiences, the loss of a love, one that really does make people wonder whether there’s a point to life. But you can get through it and hopefully will find that you’re smarter and stronger than before, that you’re tough and resilient. I’ve been through it and know how excruciating it can be, and you have all my sympathy, but like many challenging events it’s also a real opportunity to grow. Here are links to a couple of books that may help: > **[Getting Past Your Breakup: How to Turn a Devastating Loss into the Best Thing...](https://www.amazon.com/Getting-Past-Your-Breakup-Devastating/dp/0738213284)** > > Getting Past Your Breakup: How to Turn a Devastating Loss into the Best Thing That Ever Happened to You \[Elliott JD MEd, Susan J.\] on Amazon.com. \*FREE\* shipping on qualifying offers. Getting Past Your Breakup: How to Turn a Devastating Loss into the... > **[How to Break Your Addiction to a Person: When--and Why--Love Doesn't Work:...](https://www.amazon.com/Break-Your-Addiction-Person-When/dp/0553382497)** > > How to Break Your Addiction to a Person: When--and Why--Love Doesn't Work \[Halpern, Howard\] on Amazon.com. \*FREE\* shipping on qualifying offers. How to Break Your Addiction to a Person: When--and Why--Love Doesn't Work Good luck and stay strong! ---
**Author:** ![forinternetuse](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/f/f4b2a3/32.png) [@forinternetuse](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/forinternetuse)\ **Post date:** [June 1, 2016, 6:18am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-do-you-cope-with-losing-everything/756210/6 "2016-06-01T06:18:35Z")
I’m 29 and unfortunatly not laughing. ---
**Author:** ![kambuckta](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/k/53a042/32.png) [@kambuckta](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/kambuckta)\ **Post date:** [June 1, 2016, 6:25am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-do-you-cope-with-losing-everything/756210/7 "2016-06-01T06:25:56Z")
You’re 29??? I suggest you find a counsellor to help you with your issues then. The SDMB is not the forum for personal advice, and might I suggest some of the ‘advice’ you’ll get, you won’t like. Just sayin’. 🙂 ---
**Author:** ![Mangetout](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/mangetout/32/19_2.png) [@Mangetout](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Mangetout)\ **Post date:** [June 1, 2016, 6:34am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-do-you-cope-with-losing-everything/756210/8 "2016-06-01T06:34:28Z")
> [@forinternetuse](#): > > I’m just struggling a little with how to cope at the moment. I have a boyfriend that I love more than anything but i’m picking he wants to break up, he’s been really quiet this week, ignoring most my messages then said he wants to “chill on his own this week”. I know hes not cheating. Some people need some time and space to themselves. It doesn’t rule out the possibility that he’s a shit, but it might all be perfectly normal. > [@](#): > > My problem is I simply can’t work out what meaning my life has without him. He is my entire world and without him i don’t want a world. That’s not normal. I mean, it sounds lovely and romantic, sorta, but it also sounds maybe a bit clingy-psycho. I have no idea what you’re like in real life of course, so only have your words here from which to leap to a conclusion, perhaps the wrong one, but being clingy could be making him want his time and space alone all the more. > [@](#): > > Whenever i think about losing him i break down in tears and just can’t seem to cope, and I am not they crying type. I have some good friends but I don’t want to talk to any of them about it. So talk to them about some other stuff. Spend some time with your friends doing other things - it will make you more resilient if he leaves, or it will make your relationship more stable and normal if he stays. Win/win. ---
**Author:** ![Trinopus](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/2bfe46/32.png) [@Trinopus](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Trinopus)\ **Post date:** [June 1, 2016, 6:52am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-do-you-cope-with-losing-everything/756210/9 "2016-06-01T06:52:41Z")
> [@kambuckta](#): > > You’re 29??? I suggest you find a counsellor to help you with your issues then. Agreed; the description in the OP goes beyond anything healthy. Professional help would be a very, very good idea. > [@](#): > > The SDMB is not the forum for personal advice, and might I suggest some of the ‘advice’ you’ll get, you won’t like. > > Just sayin’. 🙂 Alas, true. We’re the sort who would criticize the grammar on someone’s ransom note. ---
**Author:** ![kambuckta](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/k/53a042/32.png) [@kambuckta](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/kambuckta)\ **Post date:** [June 1, 2016, 7:01am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-do-you-cope-with-losing-everything/756210/10 "2016-06-01T07:01:09Z")
> [@Trinopus](#): > > Alas, true. We’re the sort who would criticize the grammar on someone’s ransom note. Sad innit? 😃 ---
**Author:** ![Alessan](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/alessan/32/465_2.png) [@Alessan](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Alessan)\ **Post date:** [June 1, 2016, 8:02am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-do-you-cope-with-losing-everything/756210/11 "2016-06-01T08:02:17Z")
So, you can’t live without him but you don’t even live together? I think the problem may be that he’s not in the same relationship you think you’re in. (Note: I have no problem with people who love each other deeply but choose not to share a home - it can be a sign of maturity and independence. I don’t think that applies to the OP, though). ---
**Author:** ![Channing\_Idaho\_Banks](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/channing_idaho_banks/32/250_2.png) [@Channing\_Idaho\_Banks](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Channing_Idaho_Banks)\ **Post date:** [June 1, 2016, 8:13am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-do-you-cope-with-losing-everything/756210/12 "2016-06-01T08:13:23Z")
My friends say I’m too literal. I thought that this was going to be a thread about someone who lost literally everything. Another great disappointment. ---
**Author:** ![Jake\_Jones](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/j/e0b2c6/32.png) [@Jake\_Jones](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Jake_Jones)\ **Post date:** [June 1, 2016, 8:32am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-do-you-cope-with-losing-everything/756210/13 "2016-06-01T08:32:53Z")
> [@forinternetuse](#): > > I’m 29 and unfortunatly not laughing. It’s not a funny situation and heartbreak at any age is really difficult to deal with. > [@Mangetout](#): > > Some people need some time and space to themselves. It doesn’t rule out the possibility that he’s a shit, but it might all be perfectly normal. And he might not be a shit at all, yet still not interested in continuing a relationship with you. Someone deciding that a relationship isn’t working for them doesn’t diminish them as a person or make them a shit, it just means they’re not the right person for you, no matter how differently you feel about the same relationship. Though, it is kind of shitty if he’s decided this and is avoiding telling you. You can’t tie your purpose of being to anyone. You have to be at least content with yourself, by yourself. You should strive to be happy with yourself, by yourself. Either way, if you can’t exist without a romantic partner, you’ll never be a truly independent person. You’re probably not wrong about your hunch. It’s not unreasonable to confront the guy over it and ignoring things isn’t going to help. It’s very likely that this relationship is over. You really don’t have any control over that. What you do have control over is how you handle it. If it’s over, you’re not losing everything. It’s the end of a relationship with someone you love and that’s really fucking hard to deal with, but it is not the loss of everything unless you don’t value your self at all. Best wishes. ---
**Author:** ![elbows](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/b3f665/32.png) [@elbows](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/elbows)\ **Post date:** [June 1, 2016, 10:05am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-do-you-cope-with-losing-everything/756210/14 "2016-06-01T10:05:51Z")
“Just struggling a little…”, doesn’t AT ALL jive with your whole, “this relationship is my whole world” line. When you say you have nothing and no one, do you mean you have no siblings, best friend, workmates, parents, pastor ? Because almost anyone, who actually knows you, would surely be a better place to seek help than perfect strangers on the web! If you’re this distraught, over a ‘potential’ breakup, at 29yrs of age, you can very likely benefit from some counselling. There are a lot of services available, just look them up for your area. It’s really not a good sign to be seeing the world in such black and white terms, to feel you have ‘nothing, no one’, because you ‘suspect’ a breakup is in the offing. If you were a teen, maybe, but you’re a grown adult. To think ‘he’s the only one’, that can help when you’re sad sounds incredibly immature for an almost thirty year old. But most telling of all, a few cryptic paragraphs, mostly exaggeration and drama, seeking ‘help’ from strangers on line, kinda screams you could actually use some real help. Talk to someone you know and trust, see your pastor, or a therapist if you’re actually looking to get beyond your distress. It could prove a great benefit to you, please consider it seriously! Good Luck! ---
**Author:** ![excavating\_for\_a\_mind](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/e8c25b/32.png) [@excavating\_for\_a\_mind](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/excavating_for_a_mind)\ **Post date:** [June 1, 2016, 12:34pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-do-you-cope-with-losing-everything/756210/15 "2016-06-01T12:34:33Z")
> [@Channing\_Idaho\_Banks](#): > > My friends say I’m too literal. I thought that this was going to be a thread about someone who lost literally everything. Another great disappointment. As someone who has literally lost everything (house flooded with 6 feet water for 4 days), I opened this to post “You deal with it just like you dealt with things when you still had everything you lost, except you don’t have any of that stuff anymore.” But, upon reading the OP, I am a little surprised. On reflection, I guess I’d give the same answer. Buck up. Handle the next thing life throws at you. Actually, per the OP, it isn’t even known that the relationship is over. So, first, confront the situation head-on. What you are doing is self-destructive, since you don’t really know if you have anything to be concerned about. Your emotions show, so your concern could lead to a self-fulfilling prophecy. Second, become independent. Stop believing that you can only be happy with this guy. There are a lot of people out there an you can be happy with a great many of them. Third (and, perhaps, most important), remember that you make your own happiness. This guy doesn’t make you happy (see what he is doing to you now?). You are happy with the thought of you two together because you have convinced yourself of it. You had happy times before you even knew this guy existed, and you can be happy without him. It’s your choice. ---
**Author:** ![DigitalC](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/ebca7d/32.png) [@DigitalC](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/DigitalC)\ **Post date:** [June 1, 2016, 12:41pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-do-you-cope-with-losing-everything/756210/16 "2016-06-01T12:41:52Z")
> [@forinternetuse](#): > > I’m just struggling a little with how to cope at the moment. I have a boyfriend that I love more than anything but i’m picking he wants to break up, he’s been really quiet this week, ignoring most my messages then said he wants to “chill on his own this week”. I know hes not cheating. My problem is I simply can’t work out what meaning my life has without him. He is my entire world and without him i don’t want a world. > > Whenever i think about losing him i break down in tears and just can’t seem to cope, and I am not they crying type. I have some good friends but I don’t want to talk to any of them about it. > > The only person that makes me feel better when I’m sad is him, once he is gone I have nothing and no one. > > I guess I’m just lost and don’t know where to turn. This is a very unhealthy relationship, you should not feel like this about anyone. If he does end up leaving he will be doing you a favor. Focus on yourself for a while, make a life you are happy with that doesn’t rely on someone else. Then find a relationship that complements your already happy life, not one that is the only reason you live for. You are putting an incredible burden on someone and it will eventually drive anyone you try to have a relationship with away if you can’t get it under control. ---
**Author:** ![Sir\_T-Cups](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/ed655f/32.png) [@Sir\_T-Cups](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Sir_T-Cups)\ **Post date:** [June 1, 2016, 2:17pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-do-you-cope-with-losing-everything/756210/17 "2016-06-01T14:17:35Z")
Try and overcome the “not wanting to talk with friends” bit and lean on them a little. The good ones will help you through it, the bad ones aren’t worth your friendship anyway. I’m only a year older than you and had some pretty bad breakups too, so I think I can feel your pain better than most on this board. PM me if need to. ---
**Author:** ![Don\_t\_Panic](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/don_t_panic/32/398_2.png) [@Don\_t\_Panic](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Don_t_Panic)\ **Post date:** [June 1, 2016, 2:29pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-do-you-cope-with-losing-everything/756210/18 "2016-06-01T14:29:17Z")
I thought this thread was going to be about actually losing everything. Losing your job, realizing that your skill set is hopelessly patchy and irrelevant to the real world, and that you’re now completely unemployable. And you’re too old to start over from scratch. Your spouse leaves you. You get scared, retreat into your shell, and turn to alcohol and drugs to forget your problems. At one point, you get into a bar fight, and end up in jail. Now you have a criminal record and a giant hole in your resume, making everything that much worse. You spend the rest of your savings, and get kicked out of your apartment. Your friends want to help you, but there’s not much they can do, and after you’ve sponged off them and lived on their couch for six months, they’ve had enough, Now you’re on the street. Then, the next week, your parents die and you’re diagnosed with cancer. **OP** , what you have there is a breakup. It can suck a bit, but your life isn’t going to end. We can have a thread about that, that’s fine, but you’re not losing everything. You might want to contact a mod about changing your thread title. ---
**Author:** ![Omar\_Little](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/omar_little/32/269_2.png) [@Omar\_Little](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Omar_Little)\ **Post date:** [June 1, 2016, 4:11pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-do-you-cope-with-losing-everything/756210/19 "2016-06-01T16:11:54Z")
I’d recommend to the OP to get out of your relationship. You need to discover who YOU are. What makes you tick, what makes you happy about yourself. Before you can truly be in a healthy loving relationship with someone else, you need to be able to love yourself, be happy with yourself, know yourself. ---
**Author:** ![John\_Mace](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/john_mace/32/185_2.png) [@John\_Mace](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/John_Mace)\ **Post date:** [June 1, 2016, 4:45pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-do-you-cope-with-losing-everything/756210/20 "2016-06-01T16:45:42Z")
> [@Omar\_Little](#): > > I’d recommend to the OP to get out of your relationship. You need to discover who YOU are. What makes you tick, what makes you happy about yourself. > > Before you can truly be in a healthy loving relationship with someone else, you need to be able to love yourself, be happy with yourself, know yourself. Damn good advice. You need to make sure you don’t lose your self (your “self”, not “yourself”) in a relationship. [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-do-you-cope-with-losing-everything/756210.md?page=2)