# How do you deal when your partner is angry at you? **URL:** \ **Category:** In My Humble Opinion\ **Created:** [June 13, 2013, 8:22am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-do-you-deal-when-your-partner-is-angry-at-you/660886 "2013-06-13T08:22:27Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 13\ **Page:** 3
**Author:** ![storyteller0910](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/ecae2f/32.png) [@storyteller0910](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/storyteller0910)\ **Post date:** [June 14, 2013, 1:14am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-do-you-deal-when-your-partner-is-angry-at-you/660886/41 "2013-06-14T01:14:08Z")
> [@Procrustus](#): > > Perhaps, but in my experience in the last 50 years, in my life and observations of others, staying too long in a bad relationship is a much more common problem than leaving one too soon. And, if you left one that could have been saved, well there is always another one in your future. If you stay in one you should have left, everyone is miserable for a very long time. Having been in fantastic and terrible relationships (and some in between) I think I can confidently say that if you’re in “the one true love” kind of place, leaving isn’t even contemplated for a moment. Maybe it’s a bit of an overstatement, but once you’re even considering leaving, it’s time to go. Even if I agreed with you - and I don’t necessarily - it’s immaterial, because the OP did not ever say that she was “even considering leaving.” Didn’t even imply it. The only people that are considering it are the people offering advice. ---
**Author:** ![Sahirrnee](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/sahirrnee/32/13937_2.png) [@Sahirrnee](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Sahirrnee)\ **Post date:** [June 14, 2013, 10:01pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-do-you-deal-when-your-partner-is-angry-at-you/660886/42 "2013-06-14T22:01:22Z")
I used to get upset. Now it’s more of a ‘who cares, he’ll get over it’ and if he doesn’t it’s his problem not mine. When you love somebody you love them as they are or you move on. You make financial mistakes, he has a temper, deal with it. Unless of course you are spending yourself into poverty or he is beating you, but that’s a different thing. When he cools off the two of you can talk, you know he is like this so why sweat it? ---
**Author:** ![raspberry\_hunter](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/b19c9b/32.png) [@raspberry\_hunter](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/raspberry_hunter)\ **Post date:** [June 14, 2013, 10:42pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-do-you-deal-when-your-partner-is-angry-at-you/660886/43 "2013-06-14T22:42:03Z")
Ugh, I’m so sorry. I also am terrified of conflict – my family has plenty of it, and I wanted not to replicate that in my own marriage, so much that I bend over backwards not to have it. I would also recommend getting premarital counseling – NOT because I think your relationship is doomed otherwise or anything like that – but because it really helped my then-fiance and me figure out where we were not communicating well and where we had been avoiding conflict when simply talking about things would have helped a lot. And, I mean, we had/have a great relationship, but it did give us things to think about. ---
**Author:** ![BigT](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/bigt/32/12044_2.png) [@BigT](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/BigT)\ **Post date:** [June 15, 2013, 12:53am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-do-you-deal-when-your-partner-is-angry-at-you/660886/44 "2013-06-15T00:53:55Z")
Not only is the advice about leaving the guy wrong, it’s actually one of the worst things she could do. Her problem is that she runs away from conflict rather than dealing with it. The thing that’s weird about me is that I do both of these things–get overly angry and try to avoid conflict. It’s in my nature to not do things halfway. ---
**Author:** ![HazelNutCoffee](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/h/ac91a4/32.png) [@HazelNutCoffee](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/HazelNutCoffee)\ **Post date:** [June 17, 2013, 1:09am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-do-you-deal-when-your-partner-is-angry-at-you/660886/45 "2013-06-17T01:09:34Z")
Thank you everyone for your advice. I did and still do accept responsibility for the mistakes I made that led to the argument in the first place, contrary to what some of you are saying. But I couldn’t help feeling extremely hurt at the way my fiance chose to deal with his anger, even if a lot of his anger was justified. We had a talk a couple days ago. He acknowledged that he becomes extremely sensitive when it comes to financial issues and that he may have overreacted somewhat. When it comes down to it, what I did wrong was the fact that I wasn’t open with him about my situation. There were legitimate reasons for why it was difficult for me to save anything the past two years, but it was completely my fault for not telling him in the beginning and working out a better plan than the one we had originally come up with. I think we have worked out a solution that will avoid these sorts of conflicts in the future. ---
**Author:** ![CanvasShoes](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/74df32/32.png) [@CanvasShoes](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/CanvasShoes)\ **Post date:** [June 17, 2013, 1:26am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-do-you-deal-when-your-partner-is-angry-at-you/660886/46 "2013-06-17T01:26:30Z")
> [@HazelNutCoffee](#): > > I am terrified of conflict. I bend over backwards to avoid it in any situation. And when someone is angry with me, it makes me miserable. When my SO is angry with me, I feel physically ill. > > Last night he became angry with me about something (that was mostly my fault - had to do with me mismanaging my personal finances). He went out to blow off some steam, came back, and was still very angry. Refused to talk to me. This morning, he was still angry and said some hurtful things before storming out. I left him a letter trying to explain and apologize and tell him that I know he needs his space. But I don’t know how much longer I can deal with the fact that he is angry at me. My stomach has been churning all day and my heart keeps racing whenever I think about it, and I can’t stop thinking about it. I feel hollow because I haven’t eaten much today. I know I should eat regular meals but I find it difficult to choke my food down. > > I don’t think he means for us to break up over this. (We have a wedding in the fall.) I love him and I fully admit that his anger is justified. He does have a bit of a temper and usually apologizes after he blows up about something. But when he feels that his anger is righteous it can last a long time. And I can’t function like this for much longer. I know it’s only been a day so far. I wish he’d just yell at me and get it out of his system. It’s not like there aren’t any solutions to the problems that have been caused by what I did. But he keeps saying he doesn’t want to look at me, doesn’t want to talk to me. I think he feels betrayed because I hid some things from him (again, having to do with my finances). It’s not that I incurred any major debt or anything, more that I haven’t managed to put aside any cash these past couple of years. (There are reasons for this, but it’s a long story). > > I thought about staying elsewhere for a few days, but I don’t want to let anyone know about our fight. If I stayed at a hotel I think that would just anger him even more. I just feel paralyzed and sick. > > Any advice? I suppose in the end I’ll just have to wait for him to calm down. But the last time he was like this, he was angry at his brother, and it lasted for weeks. I can’t do this for weeks. We have a trip planned to Spain next Thursday and if this continues until it’s going to be a complete nightmare. My sister is that way. It was absolutely MISERABLE growing up, and especially when she hit her teens. One incident almost ended our relationship, and would have if I hadn’t just swept it under the carpet and forgave and forgot. But she’s my sister! I don’t have to live with her, and I can get away if she pulls this nonsense merely by going home, or heading out somewhere. She has gotten better as she’s gotten older, but she still does this. Will get all offended and mad about something (often without warning or things you don’t even know were wrong, and wouldn’t be to most normal people). And next thing you know, she’s on a two day cold shoulder sulk. This isn’t “you being too conflict averse” this is your man having a problem. imho. He’s getting something from you when he pulls these sulks. You probably do your utmost best to “jolly him out of it” and mollify him, so he’s getting all these “there there poor baby” strokes from you while you try to alleviate the issue (and therefore the stress it’s causing you). IMHO, no audience, no show. If you go catch a movie, go shopping, go visit a friend, etc. every time he throws a temper tantrum, he’ll learn “hey, if I act like a two year old, I don’t get any attention”. IF however, he’s the sort where you even remotely suspect this could turn from tantrums to abuse, sweetie don’t do it! ---
**Author:** ![CanvasShoes](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/74df32/32.png) [@CanvasShoes](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/CanvasShoes)\ **Post date:** [June 17, 2013, 1:38am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-do-you-deal-when-your-partner-is-angry-at-you/660886/47 "2013-06-17T01:38:40Z")
> [@MandaJo](#): > > This is a creepy paragraph. He sets your savings goals? Why aren’t you the one telling him how much you can reasonably save? You want to put him in a position to approve your purchases? You think you’re the one at fault, and if he’d just forgive you you could fix it? Do you not see how you are not talking like you have a partnership here, but rather a parent/child relationship? > > .. I missed that the first time around. And agree wholeheartedly with **Manda Jo**. He sets YOUR savings goals? This sounds very 1950s housewife to me. Maybe his attitude toward how much control he gets to have is the issue here, in addition to his anger when he doesn’t get what he wants. Yeesh! ---
**Author:** ![InternetLegend](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/internetlegend/32/13154_2.png) [@InternetLegend](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/InternetLegend)\ **Post date:** [June 17, 2013, 2:05am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-do-you-deal-when-your-partner-is-angry-at-you/660886/48 "2013-06-17T02:05:25Z")
Congratulations! If you can keep this up, talking about your conflicts, working together to figure out solutions, and trusting each other with your feelings about them, you’ll be well on your way to a long and happy marriage. Mr. Legend and I, after years and years of this, came to a point where we can almost have our arguments in shorthand. Mind you, we still have conflicts, but after thirty-two years of practice, we’ve honed our arguing skills to the point that we can have an argument after work and then go out for dinner after. ---
**Author:** ![HoneyBadgerDC](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/honeybadgerdc/32/1033_2.png) [@HoneyBadgerDC](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/HoneyBadgerDC)\ **Post date:** [June 17, 2013, 2:30am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-do-you-deal-when-your-partner-is-angry-at-you/660886/49 "2013-06-17T02:30:32Z")
I don’t have a clue, I feel bad when I say or do something to hurt my SO, but I just can’t fathom staying mad, I don’t get involved in thier anger or let it affect me much until it starts intefering with day to day activities and then I say you need to get over it. Most of the time whithin a few hours we are both laughing about it. If someone is not capable of working through anger I don’t want any part of them in my life. ---
**Author:** ![Doggo](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/87869e/32.png) [@Doggo](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Doggo)\ **Post date:** [June 17, 2013, 3:12am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-do-you-deal-when-your-partner-is-angry-at-you/660886/50 "2013-06-17T03:12:42Z")
My advice DO NOT MARRY HIM. He will not change and it may advance to physical harm over time. Councilling won’t cut it. He obviously has some very deep emotional problems that need to be dealt with by professional people. Personally, when my wife and I have a problem, I go away. If I stay I know I’ll say the wrong thing and only make it worse. That’s the problem with 2 strong willed people in a relationship. ---
**Author:** ![TokyoBayer](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/tokyobayer/32/13989_2.png) [@TokyoBayer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/TokyoBayer)\ **Post date:** [June 17, 2013, 3:48am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-do-you-deal-when-your-partner-is-angry-at-you/660886/51 "2013-06-17T03:48:36Z")
> [@HazelNutCoffee](#): > > When it comes down to it, what I did wrong was the fact that I wasn’t open with him about my situation. There were legitimate reasons for why it was difficult for me to save anything the past two years, but **it was completely my fault for not telling him in the beginning and working out a better plan than the one we had originally come up with**. I think we have worked out a solution that will avoid these sorts of conflicts in the future. (My bolding) None of us are you, we weren’t there and many people bring their own experiences, so real advice is hard under such restrictions. However, I do want to point out that this seems to be wrong. Dan Savage and other advice columnists points out that if one partner pressures the other to make promises under duress, or even to not allow the other person to be open, then you get exactly this type of problem. You are not unique. The longer I’m around in life, the more I see conflict resolution as one of the most important factors in a relationship. This is something my wife and I are trying now, after being together for eight years and having children together are struggling with. In the past, one would always simply cave and we would consider it taken care of. :eek: In any partnership, there will be issues, but international ones inherently bring many differences in background and ideals. How to handle them is far more important than attempting to find someone who shares 100% of your ideals. ---
**Author:** ![sandra\_nz](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/eada6e/32.png) [@sandra\_nz](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/sandra_nz)\ **Post date:** [June 17, 2013, 9:22am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-do-you-deal-when-your-partner-is-angry-at-you/660886/52 "2013-06-17T09:22:18Z")
That bit you bolded implies that the two of them agreed to a plan (and that’s what couples do, they make decisions together and trust each other to hold up their end of the agreement), not that the OP was pressured to make a promise under duress. There is an awful lot of assumptions being made in this thread with very little evidence to back it up. When my husband and I started living together, I had more time and experience of living independently, so I actively managed the finances. We sat down together, drew up a budget and agreed how much discretionary spending we both had each month, to spend on ‘whatever’ and how much savings we would put away each month. I’m pretty sure this is common amongst couples. If either of us had spent more/saved less, the other would have been quite rightly annoyed. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not saying he reacted well. And I’m not saying she behaved well. But the implication that she is being mistreated by her controlling partner just doesn’t ring true, based on what has been posted so far. ---
**Author:** ![Nava](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/n/da6949/32.png) [@Nava](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Nava)\ **Post date:** [June 17, 2013, 9:54am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-do-you-deal-when-your-partner-is-angry-at-you/660886/53 "2013-06-17T09:54:57Z")
> [@sandra\_nz](#): > > When my husband and I started living together, I had more time and experience of living independently, so I actively managed the finances. We sat down together, drew up a budget and agreed how much discretionary spending we both had each month, to spend on ‘whatever’ and how much savings we would put away each month. It’s what my parents eventually settled on: her money, his money, money moved automatically to the “savings” account, family money (managed by her). Whenever either one wanted to go overbudget he’d warn the other beforehand. When we went to college it was a similar situation: each of us got a yearly budget from our parents (plus whatever we managed to get on our own or from gifts) and the only time Dad said anything about it to me it was a year that I bought several books so most of that got spent in the first month; once I told him exactly how much I had left (matching his own figures) and how I had it budgeted for the rest of the year, he was cool with it. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-do-you-deal-when-your-partner-is-angry-at-you/660886.md?page=2)