# How do you deal with a Bi-sexual spouse? **URL:** \ **Category:** In My Humble Opinion\ **Created:** [March 31, 2004, 8:18am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-do-you-deal-with-a-bi-sexual-spouse/237491 "2004-03-31T08:18:12Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 3
**Author:** ![WaryEri](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/w/ea666f/32.png) [@WaryEri](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/WaryEri)\ **Post date:** [April 1, 2004, 2:39am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-do-you-deal-with-a-bi-sexual-spouse/237491/41 "2004-04-01T02:39:43Z")
If I knew he was bi beforehand, I’d be just as hurt as if I found him in bed with a woman. Cheating is cheating. If I found my non-hypothetical real partner in bed with a man, I’d be more hurt than if I found him with a woman, because it would mean that he had kept something important about himself from me for years. I ‘know’ he’s heterosexual, so if I found him in bed with a man, that would mean I didn’t really know the man I thought I knew better than any other person. It’s the double betrayal that **Indygrrl** mentioned. I imagine I’d feel the same way if I found a girlfriend who I’d thought was a lesbian in bed with a man. Oh, and sign me up with those who don’t get what this has to do with gay marriage. ---
**Author:** ![nevermore](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/n/a587f6/32.png) [@nevermore](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/nevermore)\ **Post date:** [April 1, 2004, 2:43am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-do-you-deal-with-a-bi-sexual-spouse/237491/42 "2004-04-01T02:43:37Z")
> [@Indygrrl](#): > > I know what a man and a woman do, but I’m not that familiar with the inner workings of gay sex. what d’you mean? not much to it-- the penis goes wherever it can. 😉 > [@](#): > > I’d be afraid the guy would want me to do things I’m not comfortable with and if I didn’t do it I’d assume he’d go find someone who would. I feel somewhat similarly… if I were with a bisexual guy, I’d (out of my own insecurity, perhaps) feel like I could never satisfy him completely, and be all paranoid about it, and probably drive him off anyway as such. As for the OP, well, I’d give him about 10 fucking seconds to get out of blast range before furniture & various appliances started flying. I don’t care if it’s Pamela Lee or the neighbor’s dog or Bozo the fuckin’ Clown, having sex with someone other than me without my permission is cheating, and you don’t get two chances. ---
**Author:** ![sj2](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/65b543/32.png) [@sj2](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/sj2)\ **Post date:** [April 1, 2004, 2:53am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-do-you-deal-with-a-bi-sexual-spouse/237491/43 "2004-04-01T02:53:58Z")
> [@AngelicGemma](#): > > Bi-women checking in. > Cheating is cheating. It doesn’t matter if it’s the opposite gender or not. I completely agree with you. Cheatin’ is cheatin’. Can you find other people attractive? Of course…and it’s OK to talk about that with your spouse. And OK to watch the porn that goes with the feelings and then take said spouse who may not have that anatomy to bed. Just because you’re bi, doesn’t mean you are a cheater. ---
**Author:** ![pepperlandgirl](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/f17d59/32.png) [@pepperlandgirl](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/pepperlandgirl)\ **Post date:** [April 1, 2004, 4:00am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-do-you-deal-with-a-bi-sexual-spouse/237491/44 "2004-04-01T04:00:05Z")
I’d be hurt, mainly, because he didn’t tell me. I’d tell him…shoot, I _told_ him there is a certain woman in my life that I would totally have sex with if at all possible. I’d expect the same kind of trust and honesty from him. And then I’d be turned on, because gay sex (of either sex) turns me on. And then I’d be angry because I wasn’t invited to join. And then I’d be turned on again. Really, whether they walk out of the situation alive with depend wholly on whether I’m invited to join. And then we’d have to have a serious talk because of the aforementioned trust/honesty thing. ---
**Author:** ![InternetLegend](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/internetlegend/32/13154_2.png) [@InternetLegend](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/InternetLegend)\ **Post date:** [April 1, 2004, 4:50am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-do-you-deal-with-a-bi-sexual-spouse/237491/45 "2004-04-01T04:50:53Z")
So are all we bisexual spouses unanimous here? I’m yet another one in a monogamous relationship, and my husband and I would both consider it cheating, no matter the sex of the other person. The way either of us would feel about it has everything to do with how we’ve defined our relationship and nothing to do with the identity of the other person involved. I’m very interested in the attitudes expressed about bisexuality in this thread. It seems that some people have trouble wrapping their minds around the idea that someone’s sexuality is not necessarily defined by the partner they’re with at the moment. Had I entered into a monogamous relationship with a woman, for instance, I’d probably be as attracted to men (and other women) as I am now, but I’ll bet many people would just label me as a lesbian regardless. I do get the definite impression that many people, including some who’ve posted in this thread, can accept the idea of a woman being bisexual (although they think it might be a “whim”), but think that if a man has sexual relationships with another man, he’s “turned gay.” I don’t see why it’s so difficult to imagine that someone can be attracted to people who have qualities that his or her spouse lacks without acting on that attraction. Sure, I’m attracted to some women, but I’m also attracted to some men who are very different than my husband, and I don’t sleep with them either. ---
**Author:** ![iampunha](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/i/74df32/32.png) [@iampunha](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/iampunha)\ **Post date:** [April 1, 2004, 5:35am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-do-you-deal-with-a-bi-sexual-spouse/237491/46 "2004-04-01T05:35:26Z")
> [@Indygrrl](#): > > On the other hand, are there really that many bisexual men? It seems like once a man realizes he likes other men that he probably ceases to be into women. I could be wrong. Once he realizes he is attracted to men exclusively or men as well as women? I’m bisexual, I’m engaged, and I never really stopped being attracted to women (being scorned by them helped me to avoid the whole “dating them” thing for a while, but ultimately I was a sucker for a pretty face). Anyhow. I’m engaged to a woman. I’m bisexual. I’m monogamous. I’m attracted to plenty of women and men who are not my SO; my SO speaks lustfully of more than one man. Truly, what is it that is so hard to understand about the fact that being bisexual doesn’t mean unfaithful, doesn’t mean polygamous, etc.? SOME _people_ are unfaithful. Some prefer polygamy or polyamory. “Overlooking/forgiving my husband having a one-night stand with a man? No. If he sleeps with another man, I’ve got a much bigger problem than just his infidelity on my hands.” ??? ---
**Author:** ![iampunha](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/i/74df32/32.png) [@iampunha](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/iampunha)\ **Post date:** [April 1, 2004, 5:37am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-do-you-deal-with-a-bi-sexual-spouse/237491/47 "2004-04-01T05:37:51Z")
> [@iampunha](#): > > Anyhow. I’m engaged to a woman. I’m bisexual. I’m monogamous. I’m attracted to plenty of women and men who are not my SO; my SO speaks lustfully of more than one man. Truly, what is it that is so hard to understand about the fact that being bisexual doesn’t mean unfaithful, doesn’t mean polygamous, etc.? SOME _people_ are unfaithful. Some prefer polygamy or polyamory. I should clarify that the frustration expressed here was not aimed at **Indygrrl** but at those who hold the above viewpoint. ---
**Author:** ![Typo\_Negative](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/typo_negative/32/484_2.png) [@Typo\_Negative](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Typo_Negative)\ **Post date:** [April 1, 2004, 6:18am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-do-you-deal-with-a-bi-sexual-spouse/237491/48 "2004-04-01T06:18:27Z")
If my one true love slept with anyone else, male or female, I would feel incredibly betrayed and devastated. ---
**Author:** ![Starguard](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/8dc957/32.png) [@Starguard](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Starguard)\ **Post date:** [April 1, 2004, 6:36am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-do-you-deal-with-a-bi-sexual-spouse/237491/49 "2004-04-01T06:36:51Z")
You al have made some very interesting points 🙂 As for myself, If I walked in on my girlfriend and saw her having sex with another woman, if anything, I most likely would take off my clothes and join in on the fun 😃 ---
**Author:** ![nevermore](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/n/a587f6/32.png) [@nevermore](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/nevermore)\ **Post date:** [April 1, 2004, 6:47am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-do-you-deal-with-a-bi-sexual-spouse/237491/50 "2004-04-01T06:47:11Z")
> [@Starguard](#): > > You al have made some very interesting points 🙂 > > As for myself, If I walked in on my girlfriend and saw her having sex with another woman, if anything, I most likely would take off my clothes and join in on the fun 😃 but don’t you think your girlfriend knows you’d be turned on by this prospect? and if she still tried to do it without your knowledge… I donno; that’s just insulting. you say you’d jump in, but if she’s going behind your back, you think she (or the other she) would want you to? ---
**Author:** ![AngelicGemma](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/439d5e/32.png) [@AngelicGemma](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/AngelicGemma)\ **Post date:** [April 1, 2004, 11:40am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-do-you-deal-with-a-bi-sexual-spouse/237491/51 "2004-04-01T11:40:02Z")
> [@Abbie Carmichael](#): > > 1. If my husband was bi, there is absolutely no way he will ever change. Not gonna happen, no way, no how. I would also figure chances are at some point he would go all-out gay, because I have never seen a married bisexual STAY bi. They always ended up leaving their spouse for their other lover. I realize this is surely not the case with _all_ bisexual married people. However, I am not willing to stick around and put my health and sanity at risk to find out. Are you seriously saying bi people nearly always cheat? Do you realise how offence that is?! I would NEVER cheat on my partner. ---
**Author:** ![Mangetout](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/mangetout/32/19_2.png) [@Mangetout](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Mangetout)\ **Post date:** [April 1, 2004, 11:48am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-do-you-deal-with-a-bi-sexual-spouse/237491/52 "2004-04-01T11:48:45Z")
I think the ‘forsaking all others’ bit applies regardless - of course, I wouldn’t insist that any other couple be obliged to include such a vow in their marriage, but if it’s there, it means it. ---
**Author:** ![Abbie\_Carmichael](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/49beb7/32.png) [@Abbie\_Carmichael](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Abbie_Carmichael)\ **Post date:** [April 1, 2004, 12:24pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-do-you-deal-with-a-bi-sexual-spouse/237491/53 "2004-04-01T12:24:04Z")
**Are you seriously saying bi people nearly always cheat? Do you realise how offence that is?** No, I didn’t say that at all, and I’ll thank you to stop putting words in my mouth 🙂 When I said: “If my husband was bi, there is absolutely no way he will ever change. Not gonna happen, no way, no how.” I meant that there is no way he will ever change and stop being bisexual. Not that he’d never change and stop cheating. Some people could live with a bi spouse. I couldn’t, especially if I married the guy thinking he was straight and then find out, in the way expressed in the OP, that he wasn’t. ---
**Author:** ![AngelicGemma](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/439d5e/32.png) [@AngelicGemma](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/AngelicGemma)\ **Post date:** [April 1, 2004, 12:31pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-do-you-deal-with-a-bi-sexual-spouse/237491/54 "2004-04-01T12:31:55Z")
> [@Abbie Carmichael](#): > > **Are you seriously saying bi people nearly always cheat? Do you realise how offence that is?** > > No, I didn’t say that at all, and I’ll thank you to stop putting words in my mouth 🙂 But you said “They always ended up leaving their spouse for their other lover.” That implies that all bi-sexuals cheat. ---
**Author:** ![GingerOfTheNorth](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/g/cdc98d/32.png) [@GingerOfTheNorth](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/GingerOfTheNorth)\ **Post date:** [April 1, 2004, 1:30pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-do-you-deal-with-a-bi-sexual-spouse/237491/55 "2004-04-01T13:30:09Z")
Same-sex marriage has no place in this discussion. Marriage in general, however, does. If I were to walk in on my husband having sex with a man, I would feel shocked and betrayed. He is my husband, we are monogamous, and it would be cheating. Same as if he were having sex with a woman. As mentioned before, it is the act, not the sex of the third party. If, however, we were polyamorous, or had an open relationship, it would be a whole other story. Many people on these boards are poly - my best friends, as a matter of fact. They are poly because she is bi. It’s an arrangement that has worked out well for them. I just don’t understand what you mean by ‘deal’ with a bi-sexual spouse. How the hell could you marry someone without knowing that they’re bi? If you don’t know your husband or wife well enough to know that, I feel sorry for the state of your marriage. ---
**Author:** ![vix](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/v/a88e4f/32.png) [@vix](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/vix)\ **Post date:** [April 1, 2004, 1:52pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-do-you-deal-with-a-bi-sexual-spouse/237491/56 "2004-04-01T13:52:18Z")
> [@InternetLegend](#): > > So are all we bisexual spouses unanimous here? Yep. Cheating is cheating, period. ---
**Author:** ![Indygrrl](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/i/58f4c7/32.png) [@Indygrrl](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Indygrrl)\ **Post date:** [April 1, 2004, 2:08pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-do-you-deal-with-a-bi-sexual-spouse/237491/57 "2004-04-01T14:08:24Z")
> [@AngelicGemma](#): > > But you said “They always ended up leaving their spouse for their other lover.” That implies that all bi-sexuals cheat. No, she said, “If my husband was bi, there is absolutely no way he will ever change. Not gonna happen, no way, no how. I would also figure chances are at some point he would go all-out gay, because \*\*I have never seen \*\* a married bisexual STAY bi. They always ended up leaving their spouse for their other lover. **I realize this is surely not the case with all bisexual married people**. However, I am not willing to stick around and put my health and sanity at risk to find out.” Funny how people just want to pick out one piece of a quote and use it against you. It’s the same as Dogface trying to twist my words. Not all of us completely understand bisexuality. It doesn’t make us Hitler. ---
**Author:** ![irishgirl](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/i/8edcca/32.png) [@irishgirl](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/irishgirl)\ **Post date:** [April 1, 2004, 2:11pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-do-you-deal-with-a-bi-sexual-spouse/237491/58 "2004-04-01T14:11:03Z")
It’s like being married to a blonde but also liking brunettes. Just because you like 'em, doesn’t mean you have to go and have sex with them. I’m in love with my guy, and that simple fact makes it impossible for me to cheat on him. With anyone. I’m hardwired for monogamy. Cheating is cheating, if you do with with your partner’s permission and acceptance, it ain’t cheating. (Starguard, if you found your girlfriend with another woman, I wouldn’t recommend trying to join in. Just because your girl likes guys, doesn’t mean that her same-sex partner does.) ---
**Author:** ![Winterwren](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/w/919ad9/32.png) [@Winterwren](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Winterwren)\ **Post date:** [April 1, 2004, 2:48pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-do-you-deal-with-a-bi-sexual-spouse/237491/59 "2004-04-01T14:48:27Z")
> [@Starguard](#): > > **Question:** \* This actually happened to an associate of mines \* > > Now we’ve all heard the stories about a man (or woman) coming home early from work, and suprisingly walk in on their spouse having sex with someone else that they’ve been having an affair with. Now, what would you do if you came in and found your spouse having sex with someone **who was the same sex as themselves?** This is a good question for all heterosexuals that support same sex marriages. What would you do ( assuming you are heterosexual ) and you found your spouse was bi-sexual and was having an affair? Insufficient data. What are the terms of the marriage? As a bisexual polyamorous woman who keeps getting involved with heterosexual men, my first reaction would probably be, “Hmph! And you said you were het!” followed by “Is there enough to share?” if the other guy was to my tastes, or “You’re doing laundry,” if he wasn’t. But I’d be perturbed if I’d known nothing about the relationship at all before walking in on them. But it really depends on the terms of the marriage. If it was agreed that it would be a monogamous marriage, then I’d be angry, regardless of the gender of my spouse’s lover. There’d be a little insecurity (guys have fun wobbly bits that I don’t), but more general hurt and anger that something like this was going on behind my back. I’m all about living up to agreements, or openly renegotiating them; it’s the betrayal that’s the worst part. ---
**Author:** ![whiterabbit](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/w/cab0a1/32.png) [@whiterabbit](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/whiterabbit)\ **Post date:** [April 1, 2004, 2:49pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-do-you-deal-with-a-bi-sexual-spouse/237491/60 "2004-04-01T14:49:45Z")
I might be thrown for a bit of a loop if I found out somebody I was at all serious about was bi if I hadn’t known it from the start – but that wouldn’t mean anything as far as our relationship went as long as everybody kept their hands to themselves. I never thought that being bi meant you _had_ to have sex with both, just that you were attracted to both. I would expect a bi partner to stay monogamous just as I would a hetero one. And I have a friend who I’d date if he asked, and he’s bi and cross-dresses. It really doesn’t matter to me. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-do-you-deal-with-a-bi-sexual-spouse/237491.md?page=2) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-do-you-deal-with-a-bi-sexual-spouse/237491.md?page=4)