# How do you deal with being derided behind your back **URL:** \ **Category:** In My Humble Opinion\ **Created:** [November 1, 2012, 2:49am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-do-you-deal-with-being-derided-behind-your-back/639517 "2012-11-01T02:49:24Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 9\ **Page:** 2
**Author:** ![Wesley\_Clark](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/wesley_clark/32/20581_2.png) [@Wesley\_Clark](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Wesley_Clark)\ **Post date:** [November 2, 2012, 3:42am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-do-you-deal-with-being-derided-behind-your-back/639517/21 "2012-11-02T03:42:09Z")
> [@Rachellelogram](#): > > It’s quite possible she was just doing nice things for you to impress your brother. Maybe she used to like you and changed her mind. Or perhaps she is simply this two-faced with everybody. Whatever the reason, there’s nothing you can do to make her like you now. > > It sounds like you’ve got a good gameplan for moving forward. Take care of #1, and you’ll be ok. =) There are billions of people on the planet and we meet thousands of people in our lifetimes. It would be frankly astonishing if every one of them liked you. I don’t think I’m upset because I want her to like me. I don’t want to avoid the back stabbings by changing my behavior, if anything I’d prefer to not get the approval of people like that. I’m just upset because I feel like we had a relationship and I guess I was wrong about that, there probably wasn’t the substance there that I had thought was there. Not only that (and this is going to show how weak and bad at standing up for myself I am) I was told she does this in front of her kids. Which is really insulting. Naturally I’d need to get independent verification of this, but it is something that needs to be faced. If she is deriding me in front of the kids that is a whole new layer of insulting. I don’t think she is deriding me ‘to’ the kids just insulting me in front of them. And nobody saying anything (either of my brothers, my other brother’s wife, etc). ---
**Author:** ![tomcar](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/7993a0/32.png) [@tomcar](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/tomcar)\ **Post date:** [November 2, 2012, 4:10am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-do-you-deal-with-being-derided-behind-your-back/639517/22 "2012-11-02T04:10:17Z")
> [@Wesley\_Clark](#): > > I don’t think I’m upset because I want her to like me. I don’t want to avoid the back stabbings by changing my behavior, if anything I’d prefer to not get the approval of people like that. I’m just upset because I feel like we had a relationship and I guess I was wrong about that, there probably wasn’t the substance there that I had thought was there. > > Not only that (and this is going to show how weak and bad at standing up for myself I am) I was told she does this in front of her kids. Which is really insulting. Naturally I’d need to get independent verification of this, but it is something that needs to be faced. If she is deriding me in front of the kids that is a whole new layer of insulting. I don’t think she is deriding me ‘to’ the kids just insulting me in front of them. And nobody saying anything (either of my brothers, my other brother’s wife, etc). As much as it hurts, realize that you arent the problem and that she is in the wrong here. I would also avoid them. If your brother asks what happened, explain. Otherwise, i would move on. Her behavior says alot more about her than you. Good luck. ---
**Author:** ![handsomeharry](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/h/e9c0ed/32.png) [@handsomeharry](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/handsomeharry)\ **Post date:** [November 2, 2012, 11:12am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-do-you-deal-with-being-derided-behind-your-back/639517/23 "2012-11-02T11:12:09Z")
One thing for you to realize is that in most situations, you need never see her again, if you don’t want to. You don’t owe her, or your brother, anything. If he asks why you don’t visit, make up some excuse. This can go on for 50 years, if you want. No need to lecture him on his wife. ---
**Author:** ![Clothahump](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/51bf81/32.png) [@Clothahump](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Clothahump)\ **Post date:** [November 2, 2012, 12:19pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-do-you-deal-with-being-derided-behind-your-back/639517/24 "2012-11-02T12:19:06Z")
She’s an asshole. You did exactly the right thing by backing away from her; you have better things to do with the time in your than waste it on people like her. And when you hear about her bad-mouthing you, just consider this scenario: you’re walking down the street and a mangy, flea-bitten mutt starts yapping at you. Do you let the mutt chase you across the street, or do you kick it over the fence and keep moving on? ---
**Author:** ![Ca3799](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/9f8e36/32.png) [@Ca3799](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ca3799)\ **Post date:** [November 2, 2012, 1:25pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-do-you-deal-with-being-derided-behind-your-back/639517/25 "2012-11-02T13:25:44Z")
People talk and gossip about others. Some are worse than others. There is nothing you can do about that and there is nothing useful in fretting about it. You can control to some degree how much and what kind of information they have to spread around. You can limit your face time with her and also only tell her things you want her to know. People have flaws. Forgive them their flaws as far as you are able. Her flaws are not a reflection of you, but of her. ---
**Author:** ![YogSothoth](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/y/8edcca/32.png) [@YogSothoth](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/YogSothoth)\ **Post date:** [November 2, 2012, 6:32pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-do-you-deal-with-being-derided-behind-your-back/639517/26 "2012-11-02T18:32:48Z")
Don’t seek her approval. Honestly, she sounds like a real gossipy bitch. Tell your brother she’s an ass and tell her to her face that you don’t give a shit what she thinks and MEAN it ---
**Author:** ![tdn](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/94ad74/32.png) [@tdn](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/tdn)\ **Post date:** [November 2, 2012, 7:50pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-do-you-deal-with-being-derided-behind-your-back/639517/27 "2012-11-02T19:50:54Z")
> [@Rachellelogram](#): > > For a serious answer, surround yourself with positive people. If your problem is crippling or you don’t have/can’t make friends, seek therapy. Resilience and self-esteem are not innate traits, they are learned behaviors. If you don’t have either one, you’ll be crushed when an acquaintance thinks or speaks poorly of you. When you have both, you can write them off easily. Because you know it’s THEIR problem, not yours, and you’ve internalized that. Thank you. I currently surround myself with lots of positive people, and my self-esteem is excellent. (It something I’ve been working on for over 20 years.) But sometimes those thoughts still come up, and it’s hard to let them go. And in some ways it also feels sort of good – like chewing on steel wool. I suppose my philosophy tutor would advise me to put my attention back on the present. Sometimes that’s not so easy! ---
**Author:** ![tdn](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/94ad74/32.png) [@tdn](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/tdn)\ **Post date:** [November 2, 2012, 7:51pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-do-you-deal-with-being-derided-behind-your-back/639517/28 "2012-11-02T19:51:59Z")
> [@YogSosoth](#): > > tell her to her face that you don’t give a shit what she thinks and MEAN it But he gives a shit. ---
**Author:** ![YogSothoth](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/y/8edcca/32.png) [@YogSothoth](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/YogSothoth)\ **Post date:** [November 3, 2012, 6:36am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-do-you-deal-with-being-derided-behind-your-back/639517/29 "2012-11-03T06:36:01Z")
> [@tdn](#): > > But he gives a shit. I see. There’s a weakness in my plan… [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-do-you-deal-with-being-derided-behind-your-back/639517.md?page=1)