# How do you deal with Korean parents who do not want you to move in with someone? **URL:** \ **Category:** Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share\ **Created:** [May 30, 2011, 8:59pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-do-you-deal-with-korean-parents-who-do-not-want-you-to-move-in-with-someone/583787 "2011-05-30T20:59:57Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 10
**Author:** ![etv78](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/d78d45/32.png) [@etv78](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/etv78)\ **Post date:** [May 31, 2011, 9:19pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-do-you-deal-with-korean-parents-who-do-not-want-you-to-move-in-with-someone/583787/181 "2011-05-31T21:19:53Z")
> [@raspberry\_hunter](#): > > Yeah, Koreans are heavy on the secrets for things they are ashamed of. My mom once had a fit that my sister _told my cousin she was rejected from a particular medical school_. (Long story short, my cousin found out my sister had been rejected in error… but my mom still was upset because you don’t tell people things that would reflect badly on the family, even if they have a happy ending.) > > See, this makes no sense to me. Let’s say, to take a different example, your parent gets old and doddery and maybe is not all the way there in the head any more. And hanging out with this old doddery not-quite-there person is not adding to the quality of your life. You’re just going to drop your parent like a hot potato and never talk to him or her anymore? > > If so, okay, cool, that’s your thing. That’s not the way I was brought up, and it’s not the way I want to bring my kids up (although to be fair I’m not going to bring them up in a lot of the ways I was raised). Flaw in your analogy: Alzheimer’s makes the person a _completely different person_. While I’d adjust my expectations of the interactions, I’d still be around them, in their nursing home room. ---
**Author:** ![treis](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/bc79bd/32.png) [@treis](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/treis)\ **Post date:** [May 31, 2011, 9:37pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-do-you-deal-with-korean-parents-who-do-not-want-you-to-move-in-with-someone/583787/182 "2011-05-31T21:37:57Z")
> [@raspberry\_hunter](#): > > Well, I wouldn’t exactly call it not doing what I wanted, either (which was to spend lots of time with my boyfriend and be able to do things like have dinner together with him), even if it might not have been what I would have done in a vacuum (sure, ideally it would have been nice to save the money). Yeah, I think having to spend thousands of dollars a year on something you don’t want isn’t doing what you want. > [@raspberry\_hunter](#): > > Is it lying if both parties know the truth? My mom knew my sister was having sex. She just didn’t want it to be something she had to confront. Maintaining a separate residence let everyone’s face be saved. I’m not discounting this as an option. My point is that OP needs to recognize the inherent conflict, and come up with a plan. > [@raspberry\_hunter](#): > > I dunno, both my sister and I have a pretty good relationship with our parents now we’re married (modulo the occasional argument about trying to run my child’s education). End result was much better than if we’d flatly cohabitated. OP would have been a lot better off making this decision a month ago. It’s not as though it is a surprise that traditional Korean parents would object to their daughter cohabiting before marriage. So that is my advice. OP needs to talk with BF and decide what is the limit of influence her parents have. Because surely there will be future issues with the wedding, kids, career, etc. ---
**Author:** ![ladyfoxfyre](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/ad7895/32.png) [@ladyfoxfyre](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/ladyfoxfyre)\ **Post date:** [May 31, 2011, 9:39pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-do-you-deal-with-korean-parents-who-do-not-want-you-to-move-in-with-someone/583787/183 "2011-05-31T21:39:15Z")
> [@etv78](#): > > So I’m unkind now? :rolleyes: Just because I expect to be treated by an adult by my parents. Your home is your castle, if you want to smoke in your home, it’s not your dad’s place to tell you not to. And if your girlfriend is sleeping over, how is it your mother’s business? :dubious: It’s about respect. He’s not smoking in front of his father because his father disapproves of smoking, and he respects his father enough not to flaunt it in his face. He also respects his mother enough not to want to have sex in front of her face. Maybe you weren’t raised to respect anyone’s feelings but your own? :rolleyes: ---
**Author:** ![raspberry\_hunter](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/b19c9b/32.png) [@raspberry\_hunter](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/raspberry_hunter)\ **Post date:** [May 31, 2011, 9:51pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-do-you-deal-with-korean-parents-who-do-not-want-you-to-move-in-with-someone/583787/184 "2011-05-31T21:51:30Z")
> [@etv78](#): > > Flaw in your analogy: Alzheimer’s makes the person a _completely different person_. While I’d adjust my expectations of the interactions, I’d still be around them, in their nursing home room. Okay, I see what you’re saying, although in the nursing home case as well one has to heavily weight things the parent has done in the past, right? > [@treis](#): > > Yeah, I think having to spend thousands of dollars a year on something you don’t want isn’t doing what you want. Although if you look at this from a purely financial viewpoint, we had a good enough relationship with my parents that they paid for our wedding, so we came out ahead financially 😉 > [@](#): > > So that is my advice. OP needs to talk with BF and decide what is the limit of influence her parents have. Because surely there will be future issues with the wedding, kids, career, etc. Fair enough. In my case BF and I agreed, early on, that the limit of influence was far higher before we got married than after. ---
**Author:** ![HazelNutCoffee](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/h/ac91a4/32.png) [@HazelNutCoffee](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/HazelNutCoffee)\ **Post date:** [May 31, 2011, 11:32pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-do-you-deal-with-korean-parents-who-do-not-want-you-to-move-in-with-someone/583787/185 "2011-05-31T23:32:52Z")
> [@guizot](#): > > Which why I still wonder if these might be cases of hyper-tradition from abroad or if they are something that would happen exactly the same way had their daughters stayed in Korea. Would **HazelNutCoffee** and the OP have to lie if this were playing out in ROK? Would they even get into such situations? I AM in Korea. 🙂 I’ve given up on this thread. It really baffles me how things are so black and white for some people. Good luck, OP. ---
**Author:** ![Sunspace](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/sunspace/32/1250_2.png) [@Sunspace](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Sunspace)\ **Post date:** [June 1, 2011, 12:54am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-do-you-deal-with-korean-parents-who-do-not-want-you-to-move-in-with-someone/583787/186 "2011-06-01T00:54:32Z")
I’m trying to understand the Korean parents’ worldview. Sorry that you bowed out of the thread, **HNC** ; your insights are among those I appreciate. I’m still trying to understand the idea that appearance is more important than reality. Does it really boil down to ‘do what you want, but make it look perfectly okay’? ---
**Author:** ![Cat\_Whisperer](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/cat_whisperer/32/4839_2.png) [@Cat\_Whisperer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Cat_Whisperer)\ **Post date:** [June 1, 2011, 12:57am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-do-you-deal-with-korean-parents-who-do-not-want-you-to-move-in-with-someone/583787/187 "2011-06-01T00:57:00Z")
> [@etv78](#): > > I didn’t think you did, just making sure. 😉 But, more seriously, do you consider Middle Eastern culture on par with Western culture? I don’t know what you mean by “on par.” Their culture is certainly different from mine, naturally, since they are from a completely different country. Is there a point you’re trying to make here? 🙂 ---
**Author:** ![Koxinga](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/k/4af34b/32.png) [@Koxinga](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Koxinga)\ **Post date:** [June 1, 2011, 1:01am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-do-you-deal-with-korean-parents-who-do-not-want-you-to-move-in-with-someone/583787/188 "2011-06-01T01:01:35Z")
> [@Sunspace](#): > > I’m trying to understand the Korean parents’ worldview. Sorry that you bowed out of the thread, **HNC** ; your insights are among those I appreciate. I’m still trying to understand the idea that appearance is more important than reality. Does it really boil down to ‘do what you want, but make it look perfectly okay’? It’s in reference to Japan, not Korea, but I suspect similar dynamics may be going on: you may want to take a gander at [_Tatemae_ vs. _Honne_](http://www.bbc.co.uk/dna/h2g2/A571565) ---
**Author:** ![etv78](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/d78d45/32.png) [@etv78](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/etv78)\ **Post date:** [June 1, 2011, 1:49am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-do-you-deal-with-korean-parents-who-do-not-want-you-to-move-in-with-someone/583787/189 "2011-06-01T01:49:44Z")
> [@Cat\_Whisperer](#): > > I don’t know what you mean by “on par.” Their culture is certainly different from mine, naturally, since they are from a completely different country. > > Is there a point you’re trying to make here? 🙂 on par=the values have the same moral equivalance. ---
**Author:** ![Sunspace](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/sunspace/32/1250_2.png) [@Sunspace](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Sunspace)\ **Post date:** [June 1, 2011, 2:05am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-do-you-deal-with-korean-parents-who-do-not-want-you-to-move-in-with-someone/583787/190 "2011-06-01T02:05:43Z")
> [@Koxinga](#): > > It’s in reference to Japan, not Korea, but I suspect similar dynamics may be going on: you may want to take a gander at [_Tatemae_ vs. _Honne_](http://www.bbc.co.uk/dna/h2g2/A571565) That is very interesting. Once again, I relearn how different things can be internally between different places. We are lulled by the superficial sameness of modern life; just because the roads, cars, and skyscrapers are similar doesn’t necessarily mean that the people are… ---
**Author:** ![etv78](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/d78d45/32.png) [@etv78](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/etv78)\ **Post date:** [June 1, 2011, 2:20am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-do-you-deal-with-korean-parents-who-do-not-want-you-to-move-in-with-someone/583787/191 "2011-06-01T02:20:44Z")
> [@Anaamika](#): > > I would say that Westerners just can’t get it, but then there’s ladyfoxfyre. Be that as it may, it is so easy to just say “it is better to break away from them”, isn’t it? It’s not good for everyone. So you’d rather maintain contact with people who disaprove of you than your own mental health? 😕 ---
**Author:** ![ladyfoxfyre](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/ad7895/32.png) [@ladyfoxfyre](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/ladyfoxfyre)\ **Post date:** [June 1, 2011, 2:22am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-do-you-deal-with-korean-parents-who-do-not-want-you-to-move-in-with-someone/583787/192 "2011-06-01T02:22:05Z")
> [@etv78](#): > > So you’d rather maintain contact with people who disaprove of you than your own mental health? 😕 Yeah, you don’t need to use that smilie, we already know you’re very confused by the issue. ---
**Author:** ![TokyoBayer](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/tokyobayer/32/13989_2.png) [@TokyoBayer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/TokyoBayer)\ **Post date:** [June 1, 2011, 2:31am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-do-you-deal-with-korean-parents-who-do-not-want-you-to-move-in-with-someone/583787/193 "2011-06-01T02:31:04Z")
> [@HazelNutCoffee](#): > > It really baffles me how things are so black and white for some people. Good luck, OP. Tell me about it. I took an American guy to a sumo match one day and was explaining something, and his automatic response was “That’s not right!” ---
**Author:** ![etv78](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/d78d45/32.png) [@etv78](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/etv78)\ **Post date:** [June 1, 2011, 2:31am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-do-you-deal-with-korean-parents-who-do-not-want-you-to-move-in-with-someone/583787/194 "2011-06-01T02:31:59Z")
> [@raspberry\_hunter](#): > > Yeah, Koreans are heavy on the secrets for things they are ashamed of. My mom once had a fit that my sister _told my cousin she was rejected from a particular medical school_. (Long story short, my cousin found out my sister had been rejected in error… but my mom still was upset because you don’t tell people things that would reflect badly on the family, even if they have a happy ending.) > > See, this makes no sense to me. Let’s say, to take a different example, your parent gets old and doddery and maybe is not all the way there in the head any more. And hanging out with this old doddery not-quite-there person is not adding to the quality of your life. You’re just going to drop your parent like a hot potato and never talk to him or her anymore? > > If so, okay, cool, that’s your thing. That’s not the way I was brought up, and it’s not the way I want to bring my kids up (although to be fair I’m not going to bring them up in a lot of the ways I was raised). I’d want to know if my cousin didn’t get into medical school, so I could call/Facebook, and console them, let them know it’ll turn out OK. ---
**Author:** ![etv78](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/d78d45/32.png) [@etv78](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/etv78)\ **Post date:** [June 1, 2011, 2:34am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-do-you-deal-with-korean-parents-who-do-not-want-you-to-move-in-with-someone/583787/195 "2011-06-01T02:34:18Z")
For people who’d _willingly_ stay in contact with family members who bring you down: WHY! And I want an answer longer than/more specific than “they’re family”. ---
**Author:** ![ladyfoxfyre](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/ad7895/32.png) [@ladyfoxfyre](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/ladyfoxfyre)\ **Post date:** [June 1, 2011, 2:35am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-do-you-deal-with-korean-parents-who-do-not-want-you-to-move-in-with-someone/583787/196 "2011-06-01T02:35:12Z")
Why do you get this impression that they’re always being “brought down”? They’re not suffering continuous emotional abuse by their family members. This is just a cultural issue that they don’t see eye to eye on. If you haven’t gotten it so far, you probably won’t. ---
**Author:** ![Koxinga](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/k/4af34b/32.png) [@Koxinga](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Koxinga)\ **Post date:** [June 1, 2011, 3:04am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-do-you-deal-with-korean-parents-who-do-not-want-you-to-move-in-with-someone/583787/197 "2011-06-01T03:04:51Z")
> [@etv78](#): > > For people who’d _willingly_ stay in contact with family members who bring you down: WHY! And I want an answer longer than/more specific than “they’re family”. A number of posters here have opened up and discussed why their family members are important to them. Since you’re clearly asserting a minority view, why don’t _you_ share some personal experiences and discussion of your own family relationships? If you’re demanding an answer, it may make it easier for others to frame it in terms you can understand. ---
**Author:** ![Isamu](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/i/7c8e57/32.png) [@Isamu](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Isamu)\ **Post date:** [June 1, 2011, 3:30am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-do-you-deal-with-korean-parents-who-do-not-want-you-to-move-in-with-someone/583787/198 "2011-06-01T03:30:49Z")
> [@etv78](#): > > So I’m unkind now? :rolleyes: Just because I expect to be treated by an adult by my parents. Your home is your castle, if you want to smoke in your home, it’s not your dad’s place to tell you not to. And if your girlfriend is sleeping over, how is it your mother’s business? :dubious: It’s not smoking in your own home that is the issue. It’s smoking in front of your elders. There are things you just don’t understand about other cultures (Me too, of course, but I try to learn). ---
**Author:** ![raspberry\_hunter](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/b19c9b/32.png) [@raspberry\_hunter](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/raspberry_hunter)\ **Post date:** [June 1, 2011, 3:43am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-do-you-deal-with-korean-parents-who-do-not-want-you-to-move-in-with-someone/583787/199 "2011-06-01T03:43:46Z")
> [@Sunspace](#): > > I’m trying to understand the Korean parents’ worldview. Sorry that you bowed out of the thread, **HNC** ; your insights are among those I appreciate. I’m still trying to understand the idea that appearance is more important than reality. Does it really boil down to ‘do what you want, but make it look perfectly okay’? Sometimes. Obviously it would be better to do what your parents said _and_ make it look like that, but appearances are more important than they are in Western culture. > [@etv78](#): > > So you’d rather maintain contact with people who disaprove of you than your own mental health? 😕 > … > For people who’d willingly stay in contact with family members who bring you down: WHY! And I want an answer longer than/more specific than “they’re family”. Noo… I think what I’m saying is that my mental health is, overall, better when I’m in contact with people who disapprove of me _and really love me_ than when I’m not. To a certain extent. I’d have better mental health with my husband and without my parents, if it came down to a choice between them (fortunately it never has), but as it is I have better mental health with them (and their love) plus their irrational demands that I do what they say, than without them and their demands. > [@etv78](#): > > I’d want to know if my cousin didn’t get into medical school, so I could call/Facebook, and console them, let them know it’ll turn out OK. Well, yeah. That’s part of why my sister was talking about it, and even more because of the circumstances she was kind of confused (I forget exactly how med school admissions work, but she was rejected from this school before one of the parts where they asked for money, and apparently candidates are almost never rejected until _after_ they get money from them). As it turned out, my cousin knew someone on the admissions committee and found out my sister (and some others) had been incorrectly rejected. I think my sister may have even gotten rejected again later on in the process, but at a point that made a lot more sense so she wasn’t weirded out by it. ---
**Author:** ![etv78](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/d78d45/32.png) [@etv78](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/etv78)\ **Post date:** [June 1, 2011, 4:15am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-do-you-deal-with-korean-parents-who-do-not-want-you-to-move-in-with-someone/583787/200 "2011-06-01T04:15:21Z")
**raspberry hunter** -their irritional demands aren’t detrimental to your mental health? If true, you’re tougher than I am. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-do-you-deal-with-korean-parents-who-do-not-want-you-to-move-in-with-someone/583787.md?page=9) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-do-you-deal-with-korean-parents-who-do-not-want-you-to-move-in-with-someone/583787.md?page=11)