# How do you deal with Korean parents who do not want you to move in with someone? **URL:** \ **Category:** Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share\ **Created:** [May 30, 2011, 8:59pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-do-you-deal-with-korean-parents-who-do-not-want-you-to-move-in-with-someone/583787 "2011-05-30T20:59:57Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 6
**Author:** ![Anaamika](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/5f9b8f/32.png) [@Anaamika](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Anaamika)\ **Post date:** [May 31, 2011, 1:53pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-do-you-deal-with-korean-parents-who-do-not-want-you-to-move-in-with-someone/583787/101 "2011-05-31T13:53:41Z")
I’m Indian-American and I’m here to chime in that it’s a predominantly Western idea that you can stand up to your parents and tell them you will do things as they choose and that’s OK. It doesn’t happen in Indian families, either, and it took a lot of angst before I was able to reconcile the two sides of myself. I lied to my parents for a long time about whom I was living with as well as did my SO. Now both sets know (well, my mother is dead) but my mother never approved, until her dying day. And many of us don’t see a need to get married just because others think it’s necessary. The OP will do as she wishes, but I wish for the best for her. It’s just the other way around in Asian cultures. In western cultures, it’s all about the individual. In Asian cultures, the individual is literally the last and least important. You are supposed to be a cog in the machine, not your own Special Self. I am Westernized, but I’ll never stop feeling a tiny bit guilty for being so. ---
**Author:** ![Boyo\_Jim](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/87869e/32.png) [@Boyo\_Jim](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Boyo_Jim)\ **Post date:** [May 31, 2011, 2:06pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-do-you-deal-with-korean-parents-who-do-not-want-you-to-move-in-with-someone/583787/102 "2011-05-31T14:06:04Z")
> [@Anaamika](#): > > … I am Westernized, but I’ll never stop feeling a tiny bit guilty for being so. Walk it off. 😛 ---
**Author:** ![HazelNutCoffee](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/h/ac91a4/32.png) [@HazelNutCoffee](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/HazelNutCoffee)\ **Post date:** [May 31, 2011, 2:09pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-do-you-deal-with-korean-parents-who-do-not-want-you-to-move-in-with-someone/583787/103 "2011-05-31T14:09:28Z")
> [@Boyo\_Jim](#): > > I have a better idea. > > If you’re going to lie anyway, the lie should be that you _got_ married. You get to live together openly, your parents cut back on the dictatorial orders, etc. And you can just say that it’s the custom here that you don’t change your last name. > > A lot fewer, easier to maintain, lies. > > Later, if you do break up, there’s just one more small lie – “We got divorced”. > > I don’t see a whole lot of downside here. How is she going to maintain that lie? Koreans don’t do elopements and weddings in courthouses. If she says she’s getting married, her parents are going to expect a ceremony with all her relatives present. If she refuses, that’s going to cause another shitstorm. Koreans don’t care about last names anyway - in Korea, women don’t change their last name when they marry. ETA: Sorry, I don’t mean to come off as angry or aggressive. Them’s just the facts. 🙂 ---
**Author:** ![Boyo\_Jim](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/87869e/32.png) [@Boyo\_Jim](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Boyo_Jim)\ **Post date:** [May 31, 2011, 2:13pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-do-you-deal-with-korean-parents-who-do-not-want-you-to-move-in-with-someone/583787/104 "2011-05-31T14:13:48Z")
> [@HazelNutCoffee](#): > > How is she going to maintain that lie? Koreans don’t do elopements and weddings in courthouses. If she says she’s getting married, her parents are going to expect a ceremony with all her relatives present. If she refuses, that’s going to cause another shitstorm. > > Koreans don’t care about last names anyway - in Korea, women don’t change their last name when they marry. > > ETA: Sorry, I don’t mean to come off as angry or aggressive. Them’s just the facts. 🙂 I thought of that, which is why I said the lie is that she _got_ married, not that she’s _going to get_ married. Sure, there’s an explosion, but it’s presented as a done deal. And perhaps she’ll get some nice gifts out of it. 😛 And maintaining that lie is way easier than maintaining the lie that she is an obedient chaste daughter still living alone. ---
**Author:** ![Anaamika](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/5f9b8f/32.png) [@Anaamika](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Anaamika)\ **Post date:** [May 31, 2011, 2:14pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-do-you-deal-with-korean-parents-who-do-not-want-you-to-move-in-with-someone/583787/105 "2011-05-31T14:14:30Z")
Lying that she got married without their permission will be another shitfit. You can’t just tell your parents you went and got married! That would, in their eyes, be like lighting their house on fire. “Done deal”…ugh. I can’t even imagine the upheaval. ---
**Author:** ![HazelNutCoffee](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/h/ac91a4/32.png) [@HazelNutCoffee](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/HazelNutCoffee)\ **Post date:** [May 31, 2011, 2:17pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-do-you-deal-with-korean-parents-who-do-not-want-you-to-move-in-with-someone/583787/106 "2011-05-31T14:17:06Z")
I suppose forgiveness is easier to ask than permission. I’m really not one to talk - I once considered that very tactic myself, in a fit of madness. ---
**Author:** ![Sunspace](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/sunspace/32/1250_2.png) [@Sunspace](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Sunspace)\ **Post date:** [May 31, 2011, 2:17pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-do-you-deal-with-korean-parents-who-do-not-want-you-to-move-in-with-someone/583787/107 "2011-05-31T14:17:11Z")
This kind of thing just seems like a no-win situation all around. On the one hand, what did the parents expect when their kids went to a new land? On the other hand, how to maintain connection? On the third hand, why do the kids have to do all the bending? I don’t think I could live a lie like having a decoy apartment and all. I’m a lousy liar. > [@Cat\_Whisperer](#): > > (well, not the part about your love life - I can’t comment on that…) And that’s probably a good thing, for both of us. 😉 ---
**Author:** ![Koxinga](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/k/4af34b/32.png) [@Koxinga](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Koxinga)\ **Post date:** [May 31, 2011, 2:19pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-do-you-deal-with-korean-parents-who-do-not-want-you-to-move-in-with-someone/583787/108 "2011-05-31T14:19:59Z")
> [@Boyo\_Jim](#): > > I have a better idea. > > If you’re going to lie anyway, the lie should be that you _got_ married. You get to live together openly, your parents cut back on the dictatorial orders, etc. And you can just say that it’s the custom here that you don’t change your last name. > > . . . . > > I don’t see a whole lot of downside here. Just one more thing that goes to show you have _no idea_ what goes into an East Asian marriage, and the kind of shitstorm that’d result from what you’re frivolously suggesting. From what I’ve observed, getting married on the sly with no notice, and without the parents ever having met the young man, would be a much bigger slap in the face than living together. And once we’re through all that and the family finally accepts the “marriage,” the girl should be prepared for enormous pressure from her mother to pop out some babies tout de suite. ---
**Author:** ![Boyo\_Jim](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/87869e/32.png) [@Boyo\_Jim](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Boyo_Jim)\ **Post date:** [May 31, 2011, 2:20pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-do-you-deal-with-korean-parents-who-do-not-want-you-to-move-in-with-someone/583787/109 "2011-05-31T14:20:37Z")
> [@HazelNutCoffee](#): > > I suppose forgiveness is easier to ask than permission. > > I’m really not one to talk - I once considered that very tactic myself, in a fit of madness. Madness is my happy place! ---
**Author:** ![HazelNutCoffee](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/h/ac91a4/32.png) [@HazelNutCoffee](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/HazelNutCoffee)\ **Post date:** [May 31, 2011, 2:21pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-do-you-deal-with-korean-parents-who-do-not-want-you-to-move-in-with-someone/583787/110 "2011-05-31T14:21:48Z")
I think the parents _think_ that they do a lot of bending as well. Things we tend to take for granted are compromises on their part. Like me. “Allowing” me to live on my own even though I’m not married, being accepting of my white boyfriend, “allowing” me to travel with him abroad even though we’re not married - in my parents’ eyes, these are concessions. (By “allowing” I mean “not raising holy hell over”.) It’s ridiculous, but there it is. ---
**Author:** ![Anaamika](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/5f9b8f/32.png) [@Anaamika](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Anaamika)\ **Post date:** [May 31, 2011, 2:24pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-do-you-deal-with-korean-parents-who-do-not-want-you-to-move-in-with-someone/583787/111 "2011-05-31T14:24:28Z")
> [@HazelNutCoffee](#): > > I suppose forgiveness is easier to ask than permission. > > I’m really not one to talk - I once considered that very tactic myself, in a fit of madness. So did I. To the others: Look, I had to threaten to call the cops on my parents when I first moved in with my boyfriend to get them to stop harassing me. My aunts showed up at my work place and grabbed my arm so hard they left bruises in it, trying to drag me away. It was the hardest fucking thing I ever did, breaking away from them, and it cost me heavily, because what Westerners then don’t understand is I loved them. Now I have no adult women to call to discuss recipes, or ask how to make something, or ask about aging issues. I am not completely cut off from my family; I never could be, because I am one daughter amongst three sisters, but there will always be distance. It is a no-win situation. I just read a book called “Shanghai Girls” which gave me a lot of insight into my mother, actually. They bring us here for a modern life, they raise us American, but what they want are traditional Asian daughters. My father still expects that I will jump to serve his every request (thankfully, he doesn’t command) because I am a girl and I am his daughter. I will never be the girl they wanted, and that’s hard for me, too. And it is always the kids who bend, or you become like me - estranged, practically. The parents Do. Not. Bend. ---
**Author:** ![Kobal2](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/kobal2/32/20_2.png) [@Kobal2](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Kobal2)\ **Post date:** [May 31, 2011, 2:24pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-do-you-deal-with-korean-parents-who-do-not-want-you-to-move-in-with-someone/583787/112 "2011-05-31T14:24:53Z")
> [@Boyo\_Jim](#): > > I thought of that, which is why I said the lie is that she _got_ married, not that she’s _going to get_ married. Sure, there’s an explosion, but it’s presented as a done deal. Yeah, um, the explosion caused by “I’m going to disobey for once and live with him to see how it goes” is a stick of TNT. The explosion of saying “oh, BTW, got married without telling you, or inviting you or anyone else in the family” is 35 Hiroshimas in an enclosed space. The grand majority of traditional cultures emphatically do not fuck about when it comes to marriage, both as an institution and as a big shindig. ---
**Author:** ![Koxinga](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/k/4af34b/32.png) [@Koxinga](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Koxinga)\ **Post date:** [May 31, 2011, 2:26pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-do-you-deal-with-korean-parents-who-do-not-want-you-to-move-in-with-someone/583787/113 "2011-05-31T14:26:12Z")
You guys need to watch Ang Lee’s [The Wedding Banquet](http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_Wedding_Banquet) ---
**Author:** ![Anaamika](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/5f9b8f/32.png) [@Anaamika](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Anaamika)\ **Post date:** [May 31, 2011, 2:33pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-do-you-deal-with-korean-parents-who-do-not-want-you-to-move-in-with-someone/583787/114 "2011-05-31T14:33:00Z")
I never watch movies like that, I admit. Mostly because a) I lived it, and b) those movies so often have happy endings, which make me :rolleyes:. Too close to home, I guess! 🙂 ---
**Author:** ![Koxinga](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/k/4af34b/32.png) [@Koxinga](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Koxinga)\ **Post date:** [May 31, 2011, 2:34pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-do-you-deal-with-korean-parents-who-do-not-want-you-to-move-in-with-someone/583787/115 "2011-05-31T14:34:52Z")
Or try some [Russell Peters . . .](http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_42MJCBqXDE&feature=player_detailpage#t=33s) ---
**Author:** ![Boyo\_Jim](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/87869e/32.png) [@Boyo\_Jim](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Boyo_Jim)\ **Post date:** [May 31, 2011, 3:03pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-do-you-deal-with-korean-parents-who-do-not-want-you-to-move-in-with-someone/583787/116 "2011-05-31T15:03:53Z")
> [@Koxinga](#): > > Just one more thing that goes to show you have _no idea_ what goes into an East Asian marriage, and the kind of shitstorm that’d result from what you’re frivolously suggesting… > [@HazelNutCoffee](#): > > …I’m really not one to talk - I once considered that very tactic myself, in a fit of madness. > [@Anaamika](#): > > So did I. > > To the others: Look, I had to threaten to call the cops on my parents when I first moved in with my boyfriend to get them to stop harassing me. … Koxinga, you are correct. I know nothing about East Asian marriages. But I do know a fair amount about lying. And if you’re going to live a major piece of your life as a lie, you are better off with fewer, simpler lies than many small ones. Any number of things could expose the lie of being the chaste obedient daughter living alone – a visit from a family member, even the wrong person answering the wrong phone, and who knows what else. With the marriage lie, well, that’s it. You can live your life exactly as you want to, and blame your occasional disobediences on your new husband. And… as evidenced by the other responses, this is not a totally off the wall idea. Anaamika, it seems as if you opted for the honesty route. That is what I suggested at first, and what I would do personally, but according to most that’s even crazier than the idea of lying about marriage. Go figure. I wonder if you are willing to elaborate a bit about why you chose not to maintain a fiction for your parents. ---
**Author:** ![Anaamika](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/5f9b8f/32.png) [@Anaamika](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Anaamika)\ **Post date:** [May 31, 2011, 3:16pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-do-you-deal-with-korean-parents-who-do-not-want-you-to-move-in-with-someone/583787/117 "2011-05-31T15:16:18Z")
> [@Boyo\_Jim](#): > > And… as evidenced by the other responses, this is not a totally off the wall idea. > > Anaamika, it seems as if you opted for the honesty route. That is what I suggested at first, and what I would do personally, but according to most that’s even crazier than the idea of lying about marriage. Go figure. > > I wonder if you are willing to elaborate a bit about why you chose not to maintain a fiction for your parents. In answer to your previous things, if they find out we are living with a man, even lying about it, that is still way less than getting married behind their backs. Even I never considered it, not seriously. I’d at least tell my close family. And why I chose not to maintain a fiction for my parents? Personality, mainly. My parents were lying liars that lied, and I got so sick unto death of all the lies I couldn’t stand it. Lie about my adoption. Lie about my real father and mother. Lie about moving. Lie about why we’re moving. Lie about so many big things in my life that it made me sick to my stomach to lie anymore. I couldn’t take anymore lies, I just couldn’t do it. So when they called me shortly before Easter Break and said “Don’t come home anymore unless you are willing to \_\_\_\_\_”, I didn’t come home. Cue the increasingly angry phone calls, the yelling, the stalking. I am as stubborn as my mother - whether I like it or not, I have a lot of her in me - so I stood my ground. Cue the pleading and the placating - “You can come home if you marry a man right away”. I stood my ground and ate ramen noodles and half-starved but I didn’t go home. ---
**Author:** ![Boyo\_Jim](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/87869e/32.png) [@Boyo\_Jim](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Boyo_Jim)\ **Post date:** [May 31, 2011, 3:21pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-do-you-deal-with-korean-parents-who-do-not-want-you-to-move-in-with-someone/583787/118 "2011-05-31T15:21:32Z")
Ah, the stubborn… we have that in common, you and me and my whole family. If I decide to do or not do something, it would take an asteroid strike to change my course. Even when there’s a little voice in my head saying, “This is stoopid, Boyo Jim…” ---
**Author:** ![etv78](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/d78d45/32.png) [@etv78](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/etv78)\ **Post date:** [May 31, 2011, 4:05pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-do-you-deal-with-korean-parents-who-do-not-want-you-to-move-in-with-someone/583787/119 "2011-05-31T16:05:09Z")
**Anaamika** -Why would you want to maintain contact with people who made you miserable? You don’t have female friends you can discuss recipes and aging issues with? ---
**Author:** ![Anaamika](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/5f9b8f/32.png) [@Anaamika](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Anaamika)\ **Post date:** [May 31, 2011, 4:12pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-do-you-deal-with-korean-parents-who-do-not-want-you-to-move-in-with-someone/583787/120 "2011-05-31T16:12:23Z")
Because they are my family? Because it wasn’t all bad, not by any means. Because I may not like them or respect them but I don’t stop loving them, no matter what. Plus they installed all the buttons that say "Honor thy mother and father’ and “family comes first” and those buttons cannot be uninstalled, even now. Because I’m 35 years old and desperately wish I had a _mother_ to help me, to tell me about her time at this age, to share stories with me, to warn me about things, to call when I am hurt, who will scold me and love me and talk to me. Because friends aren’t the same. Because I’m human and I’m hungry for a family and I’ll never get mine back but I can’t stop wishing. Because my mother is dead, and even though there was little hope of this when she was alive, now there is no hope and it hurts. And at the bottom line, because they love me. Even if they are bad for me. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-do-you-deal-with-korean-parents-who-do-not-want-you-to-move-in-with-someone/583787.md?page=5) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-do-you-deal-with-korean-parents-who-do-not-want-you-to-move-in-with-someone/583787.md?page=7)