# How do you deal with non-support from your family? **URL:** \ **Category:** In My Humble Opinion\ **Created:** [November 14, 2011, 3:10pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-do-you-deal-with-non-support-from-your-family/602887 "2011-11-14T15:10:06Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 7\ **Page:** 4
**Author:** ![Boyo\_Jim](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/87869e/32.png) [@Boyo\_Jim](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Boyo_Jim)\ **Post date:** [November 17, 2011, 9:02pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-do-you-deal-with-non-support-from-your-family/602887/61 "2011-11-17T21:02:54Z")
Oh, no, my sister has contingencies – particular charities and such. There would have to be some major civil disruption for all of them not to be around to get their cut. ---
**Author:** ![Anaamika](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/5f9b8f/32.png) [@Anaamika](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Anaamika)\ **Post date:** [November 17, 2011, 9:26pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-do-you-deal-with-non-support-from-your-family/602887/62 "2011-11-17T21:26:47Z")
My aunt took care of her sister - my real mom - all her life. She used to complain non-stop about being used, but every time the sister showed up with her hand out, she filled it again. This did not make the sister love her or respect her. And I have sworn that if she or her kids ever come to my door, they will get one handout of money, whatever I can afford, and then never again - and I will remember that they came to my door for money. They don’t love me or respect me. Funny, they never do, no matter what you give them. Some people just don’t deserve it. ---
**Author:** ![Quartz](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/quartz/32/267_2.png) [@Quartz](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Quartz)\ **Post date:** [November 17, 2011, 10:12pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-do-you-deal-with-non-support-from-your-family/602887/63 "2011-11-17T22:12:38Z")
> [@not\_what\_you\_d\_expect](#): > > Do I owe an inheritance to my family? No, you don’t owe an inheritance to anyone, but you should do it anyway, at least for your children / grandchildren / nieces & nephews. The better start you give them in life, the better they are likely to do. Siblings are a whole different ball-game. ---
**Author:** ![FlyByNight512](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/f/82dd89/32.png) [@FlyByNight512](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/FlyByNight512)\ **Post date:** [November 17, 2011, 10:22pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-do-you-deal-with-non-support-from-your-family/602887/64 "2011-11-17T22:22:06Z")
> [@not\_what\_you\_d\_expect](#): > > It feels like we are being asked to make more sacrifices than anyone else. > > We are supposed to contribute to the cause, but they get to not save any of their money. We are supposed to help, but they don’t have to give up trips to New York, Hawaii, X Games in order to contribute themselves. Even the person whose wish we’re talking about. We live within our means, but they don’t have to. We are not allowed to enjoy the fruits of our labor. We’ve been frugal, they have not been and still aren’t. And still, we’re the bad guys. It’s ludicrous. I can’t believe I even fell for it. They almost had me convinced that I was wrong here. If we ever have to ask them for financial help, they can rub our faces in it, but until then, we have absolutely earned and deserve their moral support. > > See, I feel better. Bingo. If you put aside everything they’ve ever said to you, every ‘I love you’ to every ‘I’m disappointed in you’, every reason for why things are they way they are, what do their actions say? From what you’ve said, it sounds like you’ve lived frugally, and they haven’t. (Shush, for the purpose of this exercise it doesn’t matter why.) You’ve made them substantial gifts to help them out. Someone else in the family has a Big Expensive Dream that they don’t have money for. No-one in the family has contributed to the Big Expensive Dream, their money has gone to expensive vacations. Now you’ve saved up a nest egg to invest in your dream. You tell me - how should that nest egg be used, and who should decide? Now, those reasons and excuses that might change the picture? They better be damn good reasons. 'Cause the picture I’m seeing is that they’ve been enjoying mooching off your money and are afraid that you’re going to start putting it somewhere else rather than continuing to be the family bank. It’s probably not conscious manipulation, but it’s still manipulation. It’s certainly a bad case of double standards. For the people who’ve asked for hypothetical situations that might be similar to what’s going on here, perhaps the parents (or whoever is the matriarch/patriarch of the family) are retired with no real savings, but dreams of having a house in Florida. It’d be great for all the kids to contribute to get them that house, sure. But no-one’s actually done so. Or maybe Grandma is in a mediocre retirement facility that is all her social security check will pay for and would just like to have a house. Or maybe she wants a tricked-out $60,000 motor home to go tour the country. It could vary pretty wildly here, but from what NWYE has said, no-one’s starving or homeless or has been promised anything. I’m having a hard time imagining a situation in which they’d be morally obligated to give someone else their nest egg. I hope the deli works out for you! If you want to tell us where it will be, I’m sure there are Dopers who would be glad to be customers. ---
**Author:** ![Rhiannon8404](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/rhiannon8404/32/17929_2.png) [@Rhiannon8404](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Rhiannon8404)\ **Post date:** [November 17, 2011, 11:57pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-do-you-deal-with-non-support-from-your-family/602887/65 "2011-11-17T23:57:20Z")
Can I ask what’s the hold up with the city? I mean there have been eateries in that space in the past. What’s different now? ---
**Author:** ![not\_what\_you\_d\_expect](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/not_what_you_d_expect/32/3246_2.png) [@not\_what\_you\_d\_expect](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/not_what_you_d_expect)\ **Post date:** [November 18, 2011, 2:23pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-do-you-deal-with-non-support-from-your-family/602887/66 "2011-11-18T14:23:23Z")
Well, the city was given an old set of plans. Another bone head move from the lazy ass property manager. Maybe even on purpose. He’s worthless. So the city was asking for things that were not really needed. Then the same lazy ass property manager that is supposed to work on clearing this all up, sits on his rump and delays things some more. A second set of plans have to be worked up and paid for. Things have changed since mid week though. They are finally helping us, working with us, marking off stuff that should be marked off. There are still possible speed bumps or we could even decide against going forward if the remaining repairs are too much money, because we intend to stick to our budget. But, we learned that someone with power is now working on our behalf to get us open. The owner is showing willingness to share the costs to get open, so things are looking up. The suite we are leasing was recently made smaller so that is why things changed even though it has always been a food service. Things are much improved. I’m getting my excitement back. I’m getting some support from my family. I can’t say they are super excited, but at least they are less disapproving. The unnamed person in all of this has realized that I can’t be the one to provide the funds they need. I will help, when I can. \*\* Flybynight\*\*, I have mentioned elsewhere that it is in Placerville California. Thanks for all the support. I’ll let you know if we ever get open. ---
**Author:** ![Rhiannon8404](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/rhiannon8404/32/17929_2.png) [@Rhiannon8404](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Rhiannon8404)\ **Post date:** [November 18, 2011, 3:32pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-do-you-deal-with-non-support-from-your-family/602887/67 "2011-11-18T15:32:02Z")
Well, I am glad to hear things are looking up and you are excited again. I am looking forward to taking my mom to lunch at your deli as soon as it opens. There’s little she likes more than a good deli. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-do-you-deal-with-non-support-from-your-family/602887.md?page=3)