# How do you deal with over-helpers? **URL:** \ **Category:** In My Humble Opinion\ **Created:** [January 24, 2014, 4:26pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-do-you-deal-with-over-helpers/679623 "2014-01-24T16:26:49Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 2
**Author:** ![monstro](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/ba9def/32.png) [@monstro](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/monstro)\ **Post date:** [January 25, 2014, 12:17am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-do-you-deal-with-over-helpers/679623/21 "2014-01-25T00:17:43Z")
I have a sister who works for an airline, so that’s how I guessed. Before my parents became experts at using their Buddy Passes, she “hovered” a lot too. But it didn’t take long before they figured it out themselves. Now she leaves them alone. If you have steady access to it, eventually you will be able to demonstrate your competency to a sufficient degree and she will relax. Until then, I say either learn how to be assertive or grin and bear it. ---
**Author:** ![Nzinga\_Seated](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/n/b5ac83/32.png) [@Nzinga\_Seated](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Nzinga_Seated)\ **Post date:** [January 25, 2014, 12:19am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-do-you-deal-with-over-helpers/679623/22 "2014-01-25T00:19:46Z")
> [@monstro](#): > > I say “perq” just like I say “perk”. But ever since I realized where the word comes from, writing “perk” just feels wrong. > > I would have expected the true word snobs–you know, the ones who make a big deal out of pronouncing “forte” correctly–to be the ones throwing a fit in this conversation. Not the so-called anti-snobs, who are too damn cool to worry over how people choose to spell a word. So I’m kind of laughing inside over the irony. Yeah, I don’t really care that much. I don’t think one has to be ‘too damn cool’ to find ‘perq’ a bit…much. ETA: “throwing a fit”. Sigh. ---
**Author:** ![monstro](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/ba9def/32.png) [@monstro](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/monstro)\ **Post date:** [January 25, 2014, 12:28am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-do-you-deal-with-over-helpers/679623/23 "2014-01-25T00:28:06Z")
> [@Nzinga\_Seated](#): > > ETA: “throwing a fit”. Sigh. When people say “knock it off”, my ears perq up. Sorry for misunderstanding you yet again! ---
**Author:** ![Bozuit](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/edb3f5/32.png) [@Bozuit](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Bozuit)\ **Post date:** [January 25, 2014, 1:05am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-do-you-deal-with-over-helpers/679623/24 "2014-01-25T01:05:57Z")
Apologies for the hijack **HMS Irruncible**. I’ll drop it after this post, because it’s really not very important. > [@ThelmaLou](#): > > It’s short for [perquisite](http://www.merriam-webster.com/dictionary/perquisite). “Perk” is short for “perquisite”. You can always argue pretty much anything in English is correct if enough people use it (someone always does), but “perq” is a bit weird. ---
**Author:** ![Nzinga\_Seated](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/n/b5ac83/32.png) [@Nzinga\_Seated](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Nzinga_Seated)\ **Post date:** [January 25, 2014, 2:42am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-do-you-deal-with-over-helpers/679623/25 "2014-01-25T02:42:05Z")
> [@monstro](#): > > When people say “knock it off”, my ears perq up. Sorry for misunderstanding you yet again! Knock it off was a joke. Because, duh, I can’t really stop anyone from doing anything, I’m not a mod. It was all just a jokey way of saying that I think ‘perq’ is a tad precious. But alas, monstro, you and I have seemed to grow apart lately. Or you have grown and I am still an immature asshole on the dope. ---
**Author:** ![RichieBoy](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/b5e925/32.png) [@RichieBoy](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/RichieBoy)\ **Post date:** [January 25, 2014, 2:48am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-do-you-deal-with-over-helpers/679623/26 "2014-01-25T02:48:01Z")
> [@Rhiannon8404](#): > > You grin and bare it…when the over-helper sees what you have bared, she runs away in horror. Grinning and baring it in a restaurant might get you arrested. :eek: Whatever ---
**Author:** ![monstro](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/ba9def/32.png) [@monstro](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/monstro)\ **Post date:** [January 25, 2014, 2:57am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-do-you-deal-with-over-helpers/679623/27 "2014-01-25T02:57:47Z")
> [@Nzinga\_Seated](#): > > Knock it off was a joke. Because, duh, I can’t really stop anyone from doing anything, I’m not a mod. It was all just a jokey way of saying that I think ‘perq’ is a tad precious. But alas, monstro, you and I have seemed to grow apart lately. Or you have grown and I am still an immature asshole on the dope. Or maybe I’m the type of person who doesn’t understand [sarcasm](http://boards.straightdope.com/sdmb/showthread.php?t=706105) very well. ---
**Author:** ![Nzinga\_Seated](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/n/b5ac83/32.png) [@Nzinga\_Seated](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Nzinga_Seated)\ **Post date:** [January 25, 2014, 3:04am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-do-you-deal-with-over-helpers/679623/28 "2014-01-25T03:04:01Z")
“…my ears perq up…” HAHA! Heh. Haha! ---
**Author:** ![j666](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/j/9de0a6/32.png) [@j666](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/j666)\ **Post date:** [January 25, 2014, 3:08am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-do-you-deal-with-over-helpers/679623/29 "2014-01-25T03:08:01Z")
> [@HMS\_Irruncible](#): > > Really, my only option is to say “I’m sorry, but I find it worthwhile to pay the extra $1200 rather than deal with your over-helper neurosis.” Of course, I can’t say it exacdtly like that, but because I can’t, the pattern is going to pop up with other things. > > How do you deal with people who are supremely over-invested in “being helpful”, as opposed to actually helping? It is possible s/he has had to deal with someone complaining that the process was too complicated, and is trying to avoid that embarrassment again. > [@Nzinga\_Seated](#): > > Of course it is! People who \*\*say ‘perq’ \*\*are the same people who refuse to pronounce ‘forte’ as ‘fortay’ when referring to ‘a special skill set or talent’… > [@monstro](#): > > **I say “perq” just like I say “perk”.** … > I would have expected the true word snobs–you know, the ones who make a big deal out of pronouncing “forte” correctly–to be the ones throwing a fit in this conversation. Two questions: 1.) What is the difference in pronunciation between “perq” and “perk”? 2.) What the hell is wrong with knowing how to pronounce a word? Honestly, if some-one pronounces the past tense “read” differently from the present “read”, do you get all snarky and oh-you-a-word-snob-y on them? ---
**Author:** ![Johnny\_L.A](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/johnny_l.a/32/1084_2.png) [@Johnny\_L.A](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Johnny_L.A)\ **Post date:** [January 25, 2014, 3:11am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-do-you-deal-with-over-helpers/679623/30 "2014-01-25T03:11:23Z")
> [@monstro](#): > > I say “perq” just like I say “perk”. But ever since I realized where the word comes from, writing “perk” just feels wrong. [Perk, or perq?](http://boards.straightdope.com/sdmb/showthread.php?t=668404) ---
**Author:** ![Nzinga\_Seated](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/n/b5ac83/32.png) [@Nzinga\_Seated](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Nzinga_Seated)\ **Post date:** [January 25, 2014, 3:12am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-do-you-deal-with-over-helpers/679623/31 "2014-01-25T03:12:32Z")
What on earth do you babble on about, j666. I am mocking people who write ‘perq’ just because they know the whole word is ‘perquisite’ while the rest of us write ‘perk’ as it has been written since for damn ever. I have no clue what you are talking about. ---
**Author:** ![Marlonius](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/838e76/32.png) [@Marlonius](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Marlonius)\ **Post date:** [January 25, 2014, 3:13am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-do-you-deal-with-over-helpers/679623/32 "2014-01-25T03:13:18Z")
I got lost on this one. I pronounce “forte” as “for-tay”. Am I a douche? Dammit, I keep missing the important _memoranda_. ---
**Author:** ![j666](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/j/9de0a6/32.png) [@j666](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/j666)\ **Post date:** [January 25, 2014, 3:42am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-do-you-deal-with-over-helpers/679623/33 "2014-01-25T03:42:49Z")
> [@Nzinga\_Seated](#): > > What on earth do you babble on about, j666. I am mocking people who write ‘perq’ just because they know the whole word is ‘perquisite’ while the rest of us write ‘perk’ as it has been written since for damn ever. I have no clue what you are talking about. I am “babbling” about this. > [@Nzinga\_Seated](#): > > Of course it is! People who say ‘perq’ are the same people who refuse to pronounce ‘forte’ as ‘fortay’ when referring to ‘a special skill set or talent’. Then you have to hear them go on and on about how the Italian word refers to…blah blah blah. You know the type. ---
**Author:** ![Nzinga\_Seated](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/n/b5ac83/32.png) [@Nzinga\_Seated](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Nzinga_Seated)\ **Post date:** [January 25, 2014, 4:08am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-do-you-deal-with-over-helpers/679623/34 "2014-01-25T04:08:49Z")
Don’t be thick in front of me. Obviously, when I say, “say” in this context, I mean ‘type’. Obviously I can’t hear anyone\* saying\* anything in this thread. You are quicker than this, come now. ---
**Author:** ![Nzinga\_Seated](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/n/b5ac83/32.png) [@Nzinga\_Seated](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Nzinga_Seated)\ **Post date:** [January 25, 2014, 4:10am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-do-you-deal-with-over-helpers/679623/35 "2014-01-25T04:10:17Z")
> [@Marlonius](#): > > I got lost on this one. I pronounce “forte” as “for-tay”. Am I a douche? Dammit, I keep missing the important _memoranda_. Marlonius, here is your "NOT A DOUCHE’ t-shirt. I ALSO say fortay, like most sane folks. ETA: “memoranda” Haha You guys are slaying me. ---
**Author:** ![Marlonius](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/838e76/32.png) [@Marlonius](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Marlonius)\ **Post date:** [January 25, 2014, 4:39am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-do-you-deal-with-over-helpers/679623/36 "2014-01-25T04:39:15Z")
Thanks Nzinga. This thread has been an emotional rollercoaster. ---
**Author:** ![Nzinga\_Seated](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/n/b5ac83/32.png) [@Nzinga\_Seated](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Nzinga_Seated)\ **Post date:** [January 25, 2014, 4:44am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-do-you-deal-with-over-helpers/679623/37 "2014-01-25T04:44:29Z")
> [@Marlonius](#): > > Thanks Nzinga. This thread has been an emotional rollercoaster. The dizzying highs! The terrifying lows! ---
**Author:** ![Frylock](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/f/ce7236/32.png) [@Frylock](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Frylock)\ **Post date:** [January 25, 2014, 4:45am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-do-you-deal-with-over-helpers/679623/38 "2014-01-25T04:45:11Z")
> [@Nzinga\_Seated](#): > > I don’t care. Knock it off. 🙂 ---
**Author:** ![Idle\_Thoughts](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/i/838e76/32.png) [@Idle\_Thoughts](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Idle_Thoughts)\ **Post date:** [January 25, 2014, 5:49am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-do-you-deal-with-over-helpers/679623/39 "2014-01-25T05:49:12Z")
> [@HMS\_Irruncible](#): > > OK, I was trying to maintain a fig leaf of privacy, but since I’m drunk, you guessed it. Buddy pass, standby tickets. And so she has access to all the airline systems and can hover over the whole affair and offer and endless amount of information over probabilities and alternatives and availabilities. But in the end, it’s really no better than rolling the dice… you get on the flight or you don’t. No need to obsess over it. > \*\*Google hits for “free perks”: About 69,800,000 results (0.35 seconds) > Google hits for “free perqs”: About 28,800 results (0.34 seconds) \*\* > > In short, you are excused, toss off, and may you never experience true intimacy. > > Edited to add: DICKBUCKET Being intoxicated isn’t an excuse for breaking the rules. **This is a warning for personal insults.** Don’t insult people in this forum, use the Pit. ---
**Author:** ![Alley\_Dweller](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/alley_dweller/32/430_2.png) [@Alley\_Dweller](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Alley_Dweller)\ **Post date:** [January 25, 2014, 9:05am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-do-you-deal-with-over-helpers/679623/40 "2014-01-25T09:05:45Z")
I would suggest being preemptive. At your convenience, text or email progress reports. Let her know that you followed her advice and what the results were. Don’t make her call you to find out how it’s going. I would think that that would be a lot less trouble for you than being interrupted and interrogated. And this lets her know how you’re doing and reassures her that you aren’t in trouble and need her help. Actually, I have some sympathy for her. When I go to some trouble to help someone or give them some advice, I would really like to know how it worked out for them and whether my advice was any good. And people so seldom give you any feedback. But I feel reluctant to bother them. She may just be looking for a little feedback from you. Try it. See if it helps. Then let me know how it went. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-do-you-deal-with-over-helpers/679623.md?page=1) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-do-you-deal-with-over-helpers/679623.md?page=3)