# How do you feel about expensive adopt-a-family requests? **URL:** \ **Category:** In My Humble Opinion\ **Created:** [December 2, 2010, 3:08am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-do-you-feel-about-expensive-adopt-a-family-requests/562618 "2010-12-02T03:08:10Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 3
**Author:** ![even\_sven](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/dfb087/32.png) [@even\_sven](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/even_sven)\ **Post date:** [December 2, 2010, 6:59pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-do-you-feel-about-expensive-adopt-a-family-requests/562618/41 "2010-12-02T18:59:55Z")
A roach motel? What’s wrong with a shoe? And everyone knows you can brush your teeth perfectly well with baking soda. Who does an 89 year old have to look good for, anyway? The “deciding what other people should want” game is hours of fun! ---
**Author:** ![Dangerosa](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/22d042/32.png) [@Dangerosa](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Dangerosa)\ **Post date:** [December 2, 2010, 7:11pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-do-you-feel-about-expensive-adopt-a-family-requests/562618/42 "2010-12-02T19:11:29Z")
> [@even\_sven](#): > > A roach motel? What’s wrong with a shoe? > > And everyone knows you can brush your teeth perfectly well with baking soda. Who does an 89 year old have to look good for, anyway? > > The “deciding what other people should want” game is hours of fun! Who is “deciding what they should want?” They can WANT anything at all. We are playing “what is it reasonable to ASK a stranger for?” ---
**Author:** ![Tequila\_Mockingbird](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/41988e/32.png) [@Tequila\_Mockingbird](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Tequila_Mockingbird)\ **Post date:** [December 2, 2010, 7:20pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-do-you-feel-about-expensive-adopt-a-family-requests/562618/43 "2010-12-02T19:20:17Z")
> [@StGermain](#): > > The local radio station does “Angels on the Air” every year, where they encourage people to get Salvation Army Angle Tree angels. People call and request boy, or infant girl, etc. Today they were reading the requests from an 89 year old woman (not an X-box). Her needs were basic toiletries like soap and shampoo and her “wish” was toothpaste. > > My company has a small angel tree (not through the SA) and one of the wants for one family was Roach Motels because they have a pest problem. > > **BTW - one little girl wants “winkies”. Does anyone know what that is?** > StG I think she might mean [Squinkies](http://www.squinkies.com/), something that seems to be quite popular with the elementary school girl children of my friends. ---
**Author:** ![alice\_in\_wonderland](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/alice_in_wonderland/32/176_2.png) [@alice\_in\_wonderland](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/alice_in_wonderland)\ **Post date:** [December 2, 2010, 7:25pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-do-you-feel-about-expensive-adopt-a-family-requests/562618/44 "2010-12-02T19:25:41Z")
> [@Dangerosa](#): > > Someone needs dishes, I have an old, but still functional set. Yes, I could buy them new dishes, but there are other places I’d rather spend my money. Like on new dishes for myself. Agreed - and I have given away a ‘used’ set of dishes before - well, more like 10 - I have a bit of a home goods fetish and couldn’t decide what I wanted my kitchen like so I had about 10 sets of dishes at one point - most of them had never been used or used only once or twice so I happily gave them away to friends/family members; however, there are two (well three) things that are important: 1. I asked if they were wanted - I didn’t just load up stuff and dump it on the desk of my ‘needy’ coworker 2. The items were like new - they were full sets in good condition that would be nice to have on your table - not cracked, broken crap that should have been thrown in the garbage, not pawned off on a ‘needy’ coworker to have to get rid of. 3. I used to have WAAAAY too much disposable income. Now I have Junior I spend all my extra $$ on stuff for him. Lets not discuss how many toys and books my 4 month old son has. Anyhow, I just looked up the price of an x-box and I see that it’s $300 - honestly that’s quite a bit more than I thought it was - I was thinking more like $150. $300 does seem like a pretty pricy gift - I wouldn’t spend that on my niece or nephew, or a friend’s child (but I might do $150 if it was the only thing I was getting them). So, I have no idea what my point is; however, I have learned that I probably shouldn’t post in the middle of the night after feeding Junior - I should try to sleep instead. ---
**Author:** ![Hello\_Again](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/h/85e7bf/32.png) [@Hello\_Again](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Hello_Again)\ **Post date:** [December 2, 2010, 7:35pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-do-you-feel-about-expensive-adopt-a-family-requests/562618/45 "2010-12-02T19:35:59Z")
> [@Dangerosa](#): > > Who is “deciding what they should want?” They can WANT anything at all. We are playing “what is it reasonable to ASK a stranger for?” If they can want anything, why can’t they ask for it? Asking doesn’t doesn’t mean you’re forced at some sort of emotional gunpoint to give something you don’t feel is appropriate. All you have to do is move on to another request that matches your personal philosophy and budget. It’s that simple. Why the righteous outrage? I think a lot of people treat charity like it is some sort of moral failure on the recipient’s part. Like, unless you’re down to licking rocks for sustenance, STFU. ---
**Author:** ![sugar\_and\_spice](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/e8c25b/32.png) [@sugar\_and\_spice](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/sugar_and_spice)\ **Post date:** [December 2, 2010, 7:45pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-do-you-feel-about-expensive-adopt-a-family-requests/562618/46 "2010-12-02T19:45:22Z")
I personally wouldn’t give an xbox (like **Sattua** , I don’t spend that much on myself), but if the newspaper wants to publish a wish-list that asks for an xbox, eh, I don’t really see the big deal. These stories are supposed to inspire giving. If you’ve already decided to give this holiday season, and are just deciding what cause inspires you most, then you’re probably not their target reader. They’re after the person who lights up with idea of being Santa Claus to Doug (10) and his mom, who he really feels for because he just read their story in the newspaper. And Santa Claus doesn’t bring socks, he brings really cool toys. If the whole ‘Santa Claus’ idea doesn’t inspire you, and you have other channels for holiday giving, well that’s great, you should give in a way that you find rewarding and meaningful. I do agree that with the point that the $300 (!!) for one xbox could by toys for several families, and you could argue that the newspaper should be writing articles about giving to the food pantry, not giving toys that need $40 games. If I were to nitpick anyone it would be the people who wrote the article, not the down-on-her-luck mom who just write a list that she was asked to make. At the same time, for the little organizing I’ve done I know that everyone has an opinion, if you don’t like the way one group is doing their thing than just go find another way to donate and be involved. ---
**Author:** ![Dangerosa](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/22d042/32.png) [@Dangerosa](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Dangerosa)\ **Post date:** [December 2, 2010, 7:51pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-do-you-feel-about-expensive-adopt-a-family-requests/562618/47 "2010-12-02T19:51:33Z")
> [@Hello\_Again](#): > > If they can want anything, why can’t they ask for it? Asking doesn’t doesn’t mean you’re forced at some sort of emotional gunpoint to give something you don’t feel is appropriate. All you have to do is move on to another request that matches your personal philosophy and budget. It’s that simple. Why the righteous outrage? > > I think a lot of people treat charity like it is some sort of moral failure on the recipient’s part. Like, unless you’re down to licking rocks for sustenance, STFU. I don’t have righteous outrage. And I don’t think I’m treating charity as a moral failure. But if you are going to ask me, then I’m going to make the decision on whether or not to give. If that request is reasonable, I’m far more likely to open up my checkbook than if you want a pony. If it isn’t reasonable, your chances of not making the cut in the face of the competition for my dollars, and therefore being disappointed, are much higher. Do you feel comfortable with strangers walking up to you and saying “nice coat, can I have it?” I mean, if they want it, they should just be able to ask for it, right? ---
**Author:** ![MPB\_in\_Salt\_Lake](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/c0e974/32.png) [@MPB\_in\_Salt\_Lake](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/MPB_in_Salt_Lake)\ **Post date:** [December 2, 2010, 7:54pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-do-you-feel-about-expensive-adopt-a-family-requests/562618/48 "2010-12-02T19:54:12Z")
> [@Hello\_Again](#): > > Why the righteous outrage? > > I think a lot of people treat charity like it is some sort of moral failure on the recipient’s part. Like, unless you’re down to licking rocks for sustenance, STFU. This forum asks for opinions, right? This thread asks specifically for how Dopers FEEL about this subject, correct? There are no right or wrong opinions or feelings on such a topic, surely. If you want to shell out the cash to buy 841 X-Boxes for “needy” families, that’s fine with me, it is YOUR money after all. If I think a family on a charity wish-list is greedy to ask for designer clothing, expensive electronics or plane tickets to Vienna, that is my opinion and I stand by it. ---
**Author:** ![Hello\_Again](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/h/85e7bf/32.png) [@Hello\_Again](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Hello_Again)\ **Post date:** [December 2, 2010, 8:12pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-do-you-feel-about-expensive-adopt-a-family-requests/562618/49 "2010-12-02T20:12:34Z")
> [@Dangerosa](#): > > Do you feel comfortable with strangers walking up to you and saying “nice coat, can I have it?” I mean, if they want it, they should just be able to ask for it, right? If I walked up to them, and asked them, “what’s something I could give you for Christmas that would make you happy,” yes, it would be fine to ask for a coat just like mine.\* If I could afford it, I would buy them a coat just like mine, since I had offered, and if I couldn’t I would tell them so. \*_Someone told these people to make a list of things they and their children would like_. No one is asking you to give up your personal things – or anything! – to give someone else what they want. That you could even begin to compare a Christmas charity list to a stranger marching up to you and brazenly demanding the coat off your back, just… makes me sad. ---
**Author:** ![Eyebrows\_0f\_Doom](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/eyebrows_0f_doom/32/3119_2.png) [@Eyebrows\_0f\_Doom](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Eyebrows_0f_Doom)\ **Post date:** [December 2, 2010, 8:25pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-do-you-feel-about-expensive-adopt-a-family-requests/562618/50 "2010-12-02T20:25:18Z")
> [@even sven](#): > > If someone wants a cell phone, I’m certainly not the one to show you different. > [@even\_sven](#): > > A roach motel? What’s wrong with a shoe? > > And everyone knows you can brush your teeth perfectly well with baking soda. Who does an 89 year old have to look good for, anyway? > > The “deciding what other people should want” game is hours of fun! I want an iPhone. Give me one. ---
**Author:** ![StGermain](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/stgermain/32/2868_2.png) [@StGermain](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/StGermain)\ **Post date:** [December 2, 2010, 8:29pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-do-you-feel-about-expensive-adopt-a-family-requests/562618/51 "2010-12-02T20:29:15Z")
**Tequila Mockingbird** - I think you’re right! The other gift the girl asked for was Littlest Pet Shop, and this looks about the same. Thanks! I want a pony for Christmas. Actually, my pony wants a pony for Christmas, now that he’s not allowed out in the pasture with the big horses. He needs a buddy. StG ---
**Author:** ![SciFiSam](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/47e85d/32.png) [@SciFiSam](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/SciFiSam)\ **Post date:** [December 2, 2010, 8:29pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-do-you-feel-about-expensive-adopt-a-family-requests/562618/52 "2010-12-02T20:29:54Z")
I agree that it does seem a little gauche. OTOH, an older X-Box doesn’t cost much and some people might be happy to pass theirs on if they’re planning on upgrading this Christmas. Cellphones aren’t expensive unless you get top-of-the range. Yeah, they cost more than socks, and if you can only afford a couple of dollars for socks for the family then fair enough, but we’re not _actually_ talking hundreds of dollars here. This is the kind of thing that I have to remind myself of, because the Freecycle ‘wanted’ ads for extremely expensive items do annoy me and they shouldn’t; either they items aren’t so expensive when you think about it, or they are expensive and it’s just one greedy person who’s not worth the effort of thinking about. ---
**Author:** ![ENugent](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/4af34b/32.png) [@ENugent](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/ENugent)\ **Post date:** [December 2, 2010, 8:30pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-do-you-feel-about-expensive-adopt-a-family-requests/562618/53 "2010-12-02T20:30:00Z")
> [@Hello\_Again](#): > > Even though I am not a very religious Jew at all, I am very influenced by the jewish idea of “tzedakah” which is somewhat like charity but also an idea of delivering fairness or justice. We are talking here about Christmas/Holiday charities. It is normal and natural for parents to want to provide certain things to their kids, “that all the other kids have.” No one enjoys the feeling of being poor, children maybe least of all. If you’ve never been poor (or even just plain broke) you may not know how thoroughly unfun, depressing, and most of all, stigmatizing, the experience is. Even if the parents have made stupid choices in their day, does that mean that their children are never entitled to something fun and yes, status-conferring? I would say that is not correct. > > I do not think that it is “wrong” to ask for high value gifts in a charity specifically designed to deliver non-necessities at holiday time. The holidays are a time where, culturally, we exchange non-necessities. It is up to the donor to fulfill them or not, or select a charity that deals in necessities if that is their preference. As I said at the beginning of this post, there is plenty of need to go around. > > I used to be very involved in deployed-soldier care package projects, and get really put off when one group would ask for an x-box, while others just needed toothpaste and a pair of socks. Then I realized, “what the fuck do I know about it? Who am I to say what a soldier in Afganistan needs or doesn’t need?” **I think the put-off feeling comes from realizing that you cannot fulfill that request (maybe you can’t afford it for yourself) and the sense that what you CAN give is “lesser” or unappreciated. That makes you feel bad, where you expected that charitable giving would make you feel good. Then comes resentment towards the requestor, the person who made you feel bad.** I have to say I felt better as a human being when I stopped judging one request against another, and just focused on what I, personally, am able to provide. They are all meritorious. > > Whatever you do, do it wholeheartedly and without judgement. While giving begrudgingly is still a form of charity, it is the lowest form of tzedakah. Thank you for this post, which made me rethink my own charitable giving philosophy, especially the bolded part. ---
**Author:** ![wonky](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/wonky/32/393_2.png) [@wonky](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/wonky)\ **Post date:** [December 2, 2010, 8:54pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-do-you-feel-about-expensive-adopt-a-family-requests/562618/54 "2010-12-02T20:54:42Z")
My goal in giving is to help people. I want them to have the necessities of life, and I can help make that happen, and I want them to have the joys of life, and I can help make that happen. The rule of thumb about only getting what you’d get for your own family doesn’t really work for me since I’ve pretty much stopped getting my family anything. ---
**Author:** ![Lynn\_Bodoni](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/e47c2d/32.png) [@Lynn\_Bodoni](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Lynn_Bodoni)\ **Post date:** [December 2, 2010, 9:34pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-do-you-feel-about-expensive-adopt-a-family-requests/562618/55 "2010-12-02T21:34:11Z")
> [@](#): > > Anyhow, I just looked up the price of an x-box and I see that it’s $300 - honestly that’s quite a bit more than I thought it was - I was thinking more like $150. $300 does seem like a pretty pricy gift - I wouldn’t spend that on my niece or nephew, or a friend’s child (but I might do $150 if it was the only thing I was getting them). Again, the console is pretty pricy (and some people seem to think it’s gauche to give an older or used item). I just checked, and most XBox games cost sixty bucks. A few of them are cheaper, especially older or used games, but most new games cost sixty bucks. And the Xbox is useless without either at least one game or an XBox Live subscription, which also costs sixty bucks. So, after taxes, that XBox and one game is going to be close to four hundred dollars. Until QUITE recently, my cap for spending for ALL gifts and ALL Xmas accessories was two hundred dollars, for all of my family and friends. ---
**Author:** ![Dangerosa](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/22d042/32.png) [@Dangerosa](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Dangerosa)\ **Post date:** [December 2, 2010, 9:34pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-do-you-feel-about-expensive-adopt-a-family-requests/562618/56 "2010-12-02T21:34:42Z")
> [@Hello\_Again](#): > > \*_Someone told these people to make a list of things they and their children would like_. No one is asking you to give up your personal things – or anything! – to give someone else what they want. That you could even begin to compare a Christmas charity list to a stranger marching up to you and brazenly demanding the coat off your back, just… makes me sad. Thats EXACTLY what they are asking for - not things, but money. Money I’d could use to buy things for myself. So yes, they are asking me to give up my personal things. And you know what, I DO. But not an XBox on a needy family list. ---
**Author:** ![Hello\_Again](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/h/85e7bf/32.png) [@Hello\_Again](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Hello_Again)\ **Post date:** [December 2, 2010, 10:04pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-do-you-feel-about-expensive-adopt-a-family-requests/562618/57 "2010-12-02T22:04:47Z")
> [@Dangerosa](#): > > Thats EXACTLY what they are asking for - not things, but money. Money I’d could use to buy things for myself. So yes, they are asking me to give up my personal things. And you know what, I DO. But not an XBox on a needy family list. You’re acting like someone asking is _doing_ something to you personally. They aren’t asking YOU. They are asking, period. To whom it may concern. If you want money to buy things for yourself, then do that! I urge you to in all seriousness to take care of yourself and your family and your friends in terms of both wants and needs. As I have said continuously: if you don’t want to do some particular charitable act for any reason or no reason, _don’t_. You are never ever at any point under any literal obligation to give to charity. It’s not like they lock you up for Contempt of Charity if you choose not to give one year, or ever. I totally get thinking that a request is more than you can finance personally. I can understand thinking that the person is very unlikely to get what they were asking for, and another choice might be more politic. What I don’t get is what it has to do with you, such that you consider it an act of unprovoked robbery against your person. ---
**Author:** ![Dangerosa](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/22d042/32.png) [@Dangerosa](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Dangerosa)\ **Post date:** [December 2, 2010, 11:08pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-do-you-feel-about-expensive-adopt-a-family-requests/562618/58 "2010-12-02T23:08:58Z")
> [@Hello\_Again](#): > > You’re acting like someone asking is _doing_ something to you personally. They aren’t asking YOU. They are asking, period. To whom it may concern. If you want money to buy things for yourself, then do that! I urge you to in all seriousness to take care of yourself and your family and your friends in terms of both wants and needs. As I have said continuously: if you don’t want to do some particular charitable act for any reason or no reason, _don’t_. > > You are never ever at any point under any literal obligation to give to charity. It’s not like they lock you up for Contempt of Charity if you choose not to give one year, or ever. > > I totally get thinking that a request is more than you can finance personally. I can understand thinking that the person is very unlikely to get what they were asking for, and another choice might be more politic. What I don’t get is what it has to do with you, such that you consider it an act of unprovoked robbery against your person. I don’t. I just consider it ill mannered to ask a stranger for a luxury gift. Whether its me you are being rude to, or some other stranger . When you make that list, you don’t know the person at the other end of the list - I could be - I have been in the past “To Whom It May Concern.” They are a stranger. You are already asking them to be generous to a stranger - which they are willingly participating in. You don’t need to be rude to them - or do something that a lot of people perceive as rude - by asking for something outside the bounds of reasonable. ---
**Author:** ![even\_sven](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/dfb087/32.png) [@even\_sven](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/even_sven)\ **Post date:** [December 3, 2010, 12:10am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-do-you-feel-about-expensive-adopt-a-family-requests/562618/59 "2010-12-03T00:10:12Z")
But it’s not outside of the realms of reasonable. If your son or niece asked you for a cell phone or an Xbox, you might turn them down and say you can’t afford it. But you wouldn’t be going off about the nerve of some people and how rude and disrespectful they are. People who ask or accept charity do not automatically owe respect to everyone who might conceivably give to charity. Here is a shocker- they don’t owe you a thing more than you owe them, which is nothing at all. ---
**Author:** ![CrazyCatLady](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/dfb087/32.png) [@CrazyCatLady](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/CrazyCatLady)\ **Post date:** [December 3, 2010, 12:51am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-do-you-feel-about-expensive-adopt-a-family-requests/562618/60 "2010-12-03T00:51:41Z")
> [@scifisam2009](#): > > I agree that it does seem a little gauche. OTOH, an older X-Box doesn’t cost much and some people might be happy to pass theirs on if they’re planning on upgrading this Christmas. Cellphones aren’t expensive unless you get top-of-the range. > > Yeah, they cost more than socks, and if you can only afford a couple of dollars for socks for the family then fair enough, but we’re not _actually_ talking hundreds of dollars here. I don’t think I’d be comfortable with giving someone a used X-box for their charity Christmas, for the exact reason that people use to defend people asking for such–these people deserve a nice gift as much as the rest of us. Someone’s cast-offs doesn’t quite strike me as a nice gift; most of these kids are on these lists so they can have something that’s specifically not a cast-off. So yeah, you are actually talking hundreds of dollars here. Of course, I’m one of those old cranks who finds it inappropriate to ask _anybody_ who isn’t your parent or spouse for a $300 Christmas gift. Not that Angel Tree kids should get all socks and undies and lip balm because they’re vile little unworthy worms, mind you. They should have toys, and one of them should be something fairly nice. But by “fairly nice” I mean in the $40-$50 range. I’m not going to give these folks something that’s not good enough for my own family, but by the same token, if it’s good enough to give my own family, it’s by Og good enough for them. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-do-you-feel-about-expensive-adopt-a-family-requests/562618.md?page=2) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-do-you-feel-about-expensive-adopt-a-family-requests/562618.md?page=4)