# How do you handle breathing if you’re too fucking STUPID to operate a colander? **URL:** \ **Category:** The BBQ Pit\ **Created:** [January 17, 2003, 3:51pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-do-you-handle-breathing-if-you-re-too-fucking-stupid-to-operate-a-colander/149237 "2003-01-17T15:51:39Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 5
**Author:** ![OxyMoron](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/o/e9a140/32.png) [@OxyMoron](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/OxyMoron)\ **Post date:** [January 18, 2003, 3:01am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-do-you-handle-breathing-if-you-re-too-fucking-stupid-to-operate-a-colander/149237/81 "2003-01-18T03:01:56Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by Jack Batty \* > **That’s what I want to be when I grow up: [snip] the guy who can’t roll up his garden hose…** Y’know, I’ve _always_ had a lot of trouble with mine… ---
**Author:** ![DarkWriter](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/ee59a6/32.png) [@DarkWriter](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/DarkWriter)\ **Post date:** [January 18, 2003, 3:08am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-do-you-handle-breathing-if-you-re-too-fucking-stupid-to-operate-a-colander/149237/82 "2003-01-18T03:08:32Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by Scarlett67 \* > \*\*Anybody else remember the one for the gizmo to make an inverted ponytail? I think it was called Topsy-Tail or something. Everyone with long hair that I know just uses her fingers: Make a ponytail, use your fingers to divide the hair under the band in half, and then grab the ponytail and pull it over and through. I’m a klutz about fixing hair and even I can do that. It ain’t rocket science. \*\* I’ve been doing this with my girls’ hair for years. I was amused when I saw the commercial for that thing. I did it to my youngest girls’ hair for Christmas. My ILs thought it was cool, and asked me where I bought the tool to do it. 🙂 ---
**Author:** ![DebiJ](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/f08c70/32.png) [@DebiJ](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/DebiJ)\ **Post date:** [January 18, 2003, 3:36am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-do-you-handle-breathing-if-you-re-too-fucking-stupid-to-operate-a-colander/149237/83 "2003-01-18T03:36:22Z")
My favorite info-mercials are the cleaning products. When you actually buy them, they don’t work anywhere near as good as that bottle on the info-mercial… Next time I decide I want one, I’m gonna call and ask for THAT particular bottle. ---
**Author:** ![Eats\_Crayons](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/278dde/32.png) [@Eats\_Crayons](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Eats_Crayons)\ **Post date:** [January 18, 2003, 4:53am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-do-you-handle-breathing-if-you-re-too-fucking-stupid-to-operate-a-colander/149237/84 "2003-01-18T04:53:30Z")
Perforated pot lid?.. Collander?.. I have metal salad tongs with rubber handles. I just reach into the pot with the tongs, lift out the noodles, and slop e’m on my plate. Granted, with macaroni it takes longer… a lot longer… Those tongs are THE most-used kitchen gizmo though. ---
**Author:** ![Jackmannii](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/jackmannii/32/311_2.png) [@Jackmannii](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Jackmannii)\ **Post date:** [January 18, 2003, 5:01am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-do-you-handle-breathing-if-you-re-too-fucking-stupid-to-operate-a-colander/149237/85 "2003-01-18T05:01:07Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by jarbabyj \* > \*\*Silly boy. > > When you’re pouring potatoes or pasta or whathaveyou into a colander, always run the faucet on full on COLD just to the side of the colander and it will help to lessen the steam. 🙂 \*\* Say, do you write the Heloise column on the side? 😃 I’ll have to try that tip as soon as my skin grafts heal. ---
**Author:** ![AwSnappity](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/a3d4f5/32.png) [@AwSnappity](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/AwSnappity)\ **Post date:** [January 18, 2003, 6:20am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-do-you-handle-breathing-if-you-re-too-fucking-stupid-to-operate-a-colander/149237/86 "2003-01-18T06:20:43Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by psychobunny \* > **My favorite infomercial is still the one for the convertible dress. “Put it on backwards and it looks competely different!” (Yes-it now looks like you put your dress on backwards). “Just tuck it into the waistband and shorten it instantly” (and look like you forgot to pull down your dress the last time you went to the backroom).** Oh my goodness, I had completely forgotten about this! I haven’t seen that one in at least seven years. Oh man, the memories… I like the IGIA Permana-Kiss ad where the one gal has more lipstick on her teeth than on her lips. Because people actually have that problem. And then the other gal eats an apple, the lipstick comes off on it, and she wrinkles up her face like she just consumed laundry detergent. ---
**Author:** ![Stoid](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/stoid/32/272_2.png) [@Stoid](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Stoid)\ **Post date:** [January 18, 2003, 7:55am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-do-you-handle-breathing-if-you-re-too-fucking-stupid-to-operate-a-colander/149237/87 "2003-01-18T07:55:38Z")
I used to have a different style of lock-lid pasta pot…loved it. Broke the lid and haven’t been able to find the same kind. (IN addition to the holes it had a crimped edge to the lid under the holed part so the water would drain through there as well). The pancake thing? I would love to be the person that is getting rich convincing people that the simplest thing in the world to cook has somehow become difficult, warranting this idiotic contraption. Laughing all the way to the bank, I’m sure. ---
**Author:** ![phildirt](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/43a26b/32.png) [@phildirt](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/phildirt)\ **Post date:** [January 18, 2003, 11:03am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-do-you-handle-breathing-if-you-re-too-fucking-stupid-to-operate-a-colander/149237/88 "2003-01-18T11:03:53Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by Zette \* > \*\*For all Pasta Pot afficianados, check THIS out: > > Here’s one that looks really nice AND is a straining lid deal: > [http://www56.lnt.com/category/product/product\_55813.asp?strShopperId=0B6F4ECAF262CE34B8C8F1F95E17AF072A4C91920C181D7B](http://www56.lnt.com/category/product/product_55813.asp?strShopperId=0B6F4ECAF262CE34B8C8F1F95E17AF072A4C91920C181D7B) > > And this one has a lift out unit- so you cook your item, then lift out the liner with holes in it- it drains right into the pot you cooked it in: > [http://www56.lnt.com/category/product/product\_55799.asp?strShopperId=0B6F4ECAF262CE34B8C8F1F95E17AF072A4C91920C181D7B](http://www56.lnt.com/category/product/product_55799.asp?strShopperId=0B6F4ECAF262CE34B8C8F1F95E17AF072A4C91920C181D7B) \*\* Too expensive. The Magic Number w/these TV products is $19.99 ---
**Author:** ![Cheesesteak](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/cheesesteak/32/3694_2.png) [@Cheesesteak](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Cheesesteak)\ **Post date:** [January 18, 2003, 12:36pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-do-you-handle-breathing-if-you-re-too-fucking-stupid-to-operate-a-colander/149237/89 "2003-01-18T12:36:45Z")
I don’t recall if this was in the commercial or not, but I think these pots would be great for cooking something like tomato sauce. I always need to cook it down a bit, so I’m doing unnatural things with the lid to let the steam escape, but not let tomato sauce splash all over my stove. The perforated lid would be PERFECT! I’m still not buying one… ---
**Author:** ![Fenris](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/fenris/32/498_2.png) [@Fenris](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Fenris)\ **Post date:** [January 18, 2003, 2:16pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-do-you-handle-breathing-if-you-re-too-fucking-stupid-to-operate-a-colander/149237/90 "2003-01-18T14:16:20Z")
My favorite scam commercial is for this uber-super-dooper-corkscrew. Some guy with a horrible phoney British accent touts how this corkscrew will do _everything_ for you. Then he pulls out a magazine and says words to this effect “I say, old bean. This wonderous corkscrew has been sold for nearly $100. You can buy ours for only two low payments of $26.00!” (numbers may be slightly off) and there’s a closeup of a magazine. Showing a similar corkscrew. And the the thing _does_ have the number $98.99 attached. However, if you read the magazine ad quickly, it says that you can buy _two_ of the things for $98.99. So it’s actually _cheaper_ to buy one of them through the magazine. I also hate that shrieky voiced sissy-boy from the Oxy-Clean commercials. The one product I ever bought from an infomercial was what amounts to a little saucer-shaped convection oven. (Imagine two large dinner plates seperated by a 6 inch tall ring of plastic.) It had a heating element and a pretty powerful fan to spin the heated air around so that it could cook a small chicken in about 15 minutes. But… It was impossible to clean. The fan was literally gunked with fat by the third or fourth usage and other than taking a q-tip through the grate, there’s no way to remove it. Fenris ---
**Author:** ![nightshadea](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/n/7ba0ec/32.png) [@nightshadea](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/nightshadea)\ **Post date:** [January 18, 2003, 2:58pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-do-you-handle-breathing-if-you-re-too-fucking-stupid-to-operate-a-colander/149237/91 "2003-01-18T14:58:21Z")
Actuallly I’m the poor slob that does have problems draining things like noodles and cant turn a pancake wiht it falling to pieces due to being disabled In fact I’ve posted about me a loose pare of swimming trunks and a pot full of boiling noodles a few times before … and my "scrambled pancakes: are legendary to the point that i make tem wiht eggs and ground sausage as one dish Not that I dont get the ops point … I’m often wanting to line people up to the firing wall for not being able to use a vcr or computer What do ya think of the info/commericials about the “computer professor” or soemthing of the like ---
**Author:** ![OpalCat](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/o/8edcca/32.png) [@OpalCat](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/OpalCat)\ **Post date:** [January 18, 2003, 3:17pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-do-you-handle-breathing-if-you-re-too-fucking-stupid-to-operate-a-colander/149237/92 "2003-01-18T15:17:04Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by BiblioCat \* > \*\*Mine came with ‘Peel & Stick’ sticky things on the back. > The problem with sticking them to the wall is once the batteries die, you have to get the thing off the wall to change the batteries. > And I know the ‘Peel & Stick’ things would rip wallpaper or paint off the wall, and of course, then you’d need new sticky things. > Kinda dumb. :rolleyes: \*\* Mine came with one of those slots on the back for hanging it on a nail. I like the one where they show a staircase with one on the far edge of each step. Yeah, I want to go tap a light on every step :rolleyes: ---
**Author:** ![sugaree](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/cc9497/32.png) [@sugaree](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/sugaree)\ **Post date:** [January 18, 2003, 3:36pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-do-you-handle-breathing-if-you-re-too-fucking-stupid-to-operate-a-colander/149237/93 "2003-01-18T15:36:29Z")
Am I the only who _rinses_ my pasta after dumping it in the colander? That can’t be done with one of those pasta-pots. ---
**Author:** ![Ruby](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/13edae/32.png) [@Ruby](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ruby)\ **Post date:** [January 18, 2003, 6:28pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-do-you-handle-breathing-if-you-re-too-fucking-stupid-to-operate-a-colander/149237/94 "2003-01-18T18:28:02Z")
A few years ago Mr. Ruby was up late at night watching infomercials when the beloved OxyClean commerical came on. He ordered it and I teased him mercilessly the next day for being such a suckah. Well, the product came and about the same time, I spilled red KoolAid on the carpet. Mr Ruby whips out the OxyClean and the next thing I new, the carpet was clean. I’ve been touting the merits of OxyClean ever since. AND, I’m an infomercial convert! Oh, and I have family that swears by the countertop TurboOven. ---
**Author:** ![DoctorJ](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/doctorj/32/2904_2.png) [@DoctorJ](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/DoctorJ)\ **Post date:** [January 18, 2003, 7:22pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-do-you-handle-breathing-if-you-re-too-fucking-stupid-to-operate-a-colander/149237/95 "2003-01-18T19:22:19Z")
This is similar to what I call the Contact Lens commercial phenomenon. You can always pick out a contact lens commercial immediately because the protagonist (invariably a woman) has a bad hairdo, bad makeup, and the most unflattering pair of glasses imaginable. When she gets contacts from the contact manufacturer in question, they obviously come with a hairdo and makeover, not to mention better lighting and improved facial expressions. If you’re selling the solution, play up the problem. While I don’t find the pot in question to be a bad idea–I prefer my Calphalon stockpot with pasta insert, but I’m a Kitchen Snob–the commercials do make me want to barf. Who needs the dope-slap more: the man who taps his watch while the wife struggles with the colander, or the woman who not only lacks the sense to operate this delicate machinery, but also fails to brain him with the pot afterwards for being such an asshole? Dr. J ---
**Author:** ![DoctorJ](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/doctorj/32/2904_2.png) [@DoctorJ](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/DoctorJ)\ **Post date:** [January 18, 2003, 7:23pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-do-you-handle-breathing-if-you-re-too-fucking-stupid-to-operate-a-colander/149237/96 "2003-01-18T19:23:26Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by sugaree \* > \*\*Am I the only who _rinses_ my pasta after dumping it in the colander? That can’t be done with one of those pasta-pots. \*\* Only if I’m making pasta salad, or need it to stop cooking for some other reason. ---
**Author:** ![RTFirefly](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/c77e96/32.png) [@RTFirefly](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/RTFirefly)\ **Post date:** [January 18, 2003, 9:17pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-do-you-handle-breathing-if-you-re-too-fucking-stupid-to-operate-a-colander/149237/97 "2003-01-18T21:17:28Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by Ruby \* > A few years ago Mr. Ruby was up late at night watching infomercials when the beloved OxyClean commerical came on. He ordered it and I teased him mercilessly the next day for being such a suckah. > > Well, the product came and about the same time, I spilled red KoolAid on the carpet. > > Mr Ruby whips out the OxyClean and the next thing I new, the carpet was clean. I’ve been touting the merits of OxyClean ever since. Spot Shot. ~$3.50 for a large-size spray bottle at WallyWorld, Ace Hardware, and other fine retailers. No infomercial necessary. ---
**Author:** ![techchick68](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/ea5d25/32.png) [@techchick68](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/techchick68)\ **Post date:** [January 19, 2003, 12:11am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-do-you-handle-breathing-if-you-re-too-fucking-stupid-to-operate-a-colander/149237/98 "2003-01-19T00:11:39Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by RTFirefly \* > Spot Shot. ~$3.50 for a large-size spray bottle at WallyWorld, Ace Hardware, and other fine retailers. No infomercial necessary. Spot Shot is excellent and has taken out old stains in the carpet I have. I think the benefits of OxyClean is that, while more expensive, it doesn’t have harsh chemicals like Spot Shot. In that regard, I would choose OxyClean over Spot Shot if it really works. ---
**Author:** ![Emperor\_Penguin](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/c2a13f/32.png) [@Emperor\_Penguin](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Emperor_Penguin)\ **Post date:** [January 19, 2003, 12:41am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-do-you-handle-breathing-if-you-re-too-fucking-stupid-to-operate-a-colander/149237/99 "2003-01-19T00:41:07Z")
> [@](#): > > _Originally posted by Fenris \* > \*\* > The one product I ever bought from an infomercial was what amounts to a little saucer-shaped convection oven. (Imagine two large dinner plates seperated by a 6 inch tall ring of plastic.) It had a heating element and a pretty powerful fan to spin the heated air around so that it could cook a small chicken in about 15 minutes._\* I saw an ad for a similar dealy-bob. One of the selling points was it utilized “The latest in infra-red cooking technology”. Now, correct me if I’m wrong, but isn’t this just the heat thrown off of a red hot element? How hard is it to heal up metal? Are there a lot of technological breakthroughs in this area? I am I behind the times? How will I catch up? When will the voices stop? Why am I asking so many questions? ---
**Author:** ![Duke](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/e8c25b/32.png) [@Duke](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Duke)\ **Post date:** [January 19, 2003, 1:15am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-do-you-handle-breathing-if-you-re-too-fucking-stupid-to-operate-a-colander/149237/100 "2003-01-19T01:15:15Z")
This thread reminds me…I was in a “kitschy kinda” store over the Christmas break while a friend was looking for an ironic present, and I happened across [this book](http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/ASIN/1931686092/qid=1042938760/sr=2-1/ref=sr_2_1/103-2458236-6323819). Tells you everything you need to know about the Turbi Twist, Nad’s, Ron Popeil, and everything else seen but not bought on TV. Fun stuff. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-do-you-handle-breathing-if-you-re-too-fucking-stupid-to-operate-a-colander/149237.md?page=4) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-do-you-handle-breathing-if-you-re-too-fucking-stupid-to-operate-a-colander/149237.md?page=6)