# How do you handle different bedtimes for your kids? **URL:** \ **Category:** In My Humble Opinion\ **Created:** [September 8, 2009, 3:06pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-do-you-handle-different-bedtimes-for-your-kids/509287 "2009-09-08T15:06:55Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 14\ **Page:** 2
**Author:** ![IvoryTowerDenizen](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/ivorytowerdenizen/32/17937_2.png) [@IvoryTowerDenizen](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/IvoryTowerDenizen)\ **Post date:** [September 9, 2009, 11:33am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-do-you-handle-different-bedtimes-for-your-kids/509287/21 "2009-09-09T11:33:14Z")
We should also remember that much of bedtime has nothing to do with the kids and their sleep. It’s mommy/daddy time! My kids knew they had to be in their rooms at a certain time, but light’s out could be much later. ---
**Author:** ![Harmonious\_Discord](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/h/74df32/32.png) [@Harmonious\_Discord](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Harmonious_Discord)\ **Post date:** [September 9, 2009, 12:59pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-do-you-handle-different-bedtimes-for-your-kids/509287/22 "2009-09-09T12:59:59Z")
We always had clear ages at which things happened in our house. Complain kid, but that’s the age you have to reach to get this privilege. This was especially true for bed times. Be sure to keep it straight as to what age activities can start as the kid will always remember the lowest minimum age you said. Parents need to agree on the age before giving an answer too. No saying something and then telling the spouse or ex-spouse. One thing us older kids noticed was that age goals had been adjusted down over the years as our parents had more experience and decided that they didn’t need to wait so long. What kid will complain that they got to stay up longer one year earlier. ---
**Author:** ![YogSothoth](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/y/8edcca/32.png) [@YogSothoth](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/YogSothoth)\ **Post date:** [September 9, 2009, 9:41pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-do-you-handle-different-bedtimes-for-your-kids/509287/23 "2009-09-09T21:41:09Z")
If I ever get kids, god forbid, I wouldn’t set a bedtime. If they are late to class, I’d make them stay after school. ---
**Author:** ![Susanann](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/7ab992/32.png) [@Susanann](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Susanann)\ **Post date:** [September 10, 2009, 1:50am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-do-you-handle-different-bedtimes-for-your-kids/509287/24 "2009-09-10T01:50:38Z")
> [@YogSosoth](#): > > If I ever get kids, god forbid, I wouldn’t set a bedtime. Bless you! I hope you have some kids. ---
**Author:** ![Spud](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/spud/32/347_2.png) [@Spud](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Spud)\ **Post date:** [September 10, 2009, 4:58am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-do-you-handle-different-bedtimes-for-your-kids/509287/25 "2009-09-10T04:58:16Z")
I’m another one who doesn’t enforce a stirct bedtime. And it isn’t because I want them home schooled, they attend public schools in one of the best school districts in the state. Somehow they have all turned out to be honor students and top athletes (my oldest is playing varsity as a freshman at a large school ranked #2 in the state… and had a 4.0 for all three years of middle school). We trust them and they know that they have to be up and ready, and have rarely had to drive them in because they missed the bus. I’m up later now than I probably should be, but I’m just not tired and I’m sure I’ll be fine in the morning so I’m not too worried about it. So far my kids have shown the same judgements. YMMV. ---
**Author:** ![Renee](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/renee/32/287_2.png) [@Renee](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Renee)\ **Post date:** [September 10, 2009, 5:08am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-do-you-handle-different-bedtimes-for-your-kids/509287/26 "2009-09-10T05:08:17Z")
> [@Susanann](#): > > Originally Posted by Susanann > I never gave my kids a bedtime. > I figured they would go to sleep when they got tired…it worked!..they did. > > Here is the thing - I did not want them to go to school!! > > I wanted to home school them. THEY!!! are the ones who wanted to go to school, not me! > > They actually begged me to let them go to school. I told them if they wanted to go to school, they had to do it, because I wasnt going to help them other than setting an alarm clock. It was THEIR responsibility to get up, not mine. I really didnt want them to stay in school. They were motivated and they did it. All 4 kids. > > They also had to be responsible themselves for their homework. I could and did help them, but I never made them do it. They knew they had to do it, else, they might get me for a teacher and would not be able to see their friends at school anymore. It was a real motivator. > > I never had to yell at them . I never had to make them go to bed when they were not tired. > > We used to joke about it, esp as they got a little older. We used to ask their friends and parents: Why not make ADULTS (parents) go to bed when they are not tired? > > We also used to joke, with their friends and other parents, about “pretending to have a bed time” that they had to stay up even if they were tired, not a time when they had to go to bed, but making them stay up and awake and not allowed to go to bed, “not until bedtime can they go to sleep no matter how tired they are”. > > It was crazy to see other peoples reactions, but I am glad that I never had a bedtime argument ever with my kids, not once. Never had a get up for school argument either. > > It was so easy raising them. > > I also never made them eat anything if they were not hungry. Again, we joked about making/forcing adults/parents to eat something that they did not want to eat. > > Life and raising a family was so easy without all the stupid arguments and meaningless and NEEDLESS fights that parents have with their kids. > > When I see or hear parents yelling and fighting with their kids about going to bed when they are not tired, eating things when they are not hungry, it makes me so sad for them. I hope your children get thru it ok. This is freaking brilliant. Excellent advice, thanks. You sound like exactly the kind of parent I want to be. ---
**Author:** ![StaudtCJ](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/90ced4/32.png) [@StaudtCJ](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/StaudtCJ)\ **Post date:** [September 10, 2009, 5:21am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-do-you-handle-different-bedtimes-for-your-kids/509287/27 "2009-09-10T05:21:37Z")
My house rules have age-related bedtimes. They now vary from 8:50 to 9:30PM. Bedtimes can be negotiated up to ten minutes per six months, in either direction, based on grades. One can always go to bed EARLY, but one must be in bed at the designated time. Sleep is not required. Staying quiet and in bed is. Reading/journaling/daydreaming is fine. Video games/talking is not. The kids know that this is Mommy and Daddy time, and while emergencies are one thing, other interruptions are not tolerated without good cause. Lights out is at 11PM (Mom’s bedtime) if the lights are not out sooner. (Each boy has his own light in his own bunk.) We adults use the time to have adult conversations and do things like take a long hot bath without interruption. ---
**Author:** ![Telcontar](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/3bc359/32.png) [@Telcontar](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Telcontar)\ **Post date:** [September 10, 2009, 4:32pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-do-you-handle-different-bedtimes-for-your-kids/509287/28 "2009-09-10T16:32:33Z")
> [@CutterJohn](#): > > If she is anything like my dad, it involved a bucket of cold water after the first ignored wakeup call. > > My parents gave me a bedtime when I was younger, but they quickly gave up enforcing it, as I was just as happy sitting in bed reading as I was watching TV, so enforcement would have been problematic. There were a few grumpy mornings, but I eventually learned when to turn the lights out on my own. I’ve always considered “impossible to wake up” more of a challenge than a problem. Cold water is extreme but works. Stripping off the blankets and opening the window is effective in certain climates. Sitting there and singing horribly was the favorite method of one of the counselors at the camp i went to. I’d be tempted to say “you’re getting in the bus in your pjs if you don’t hurry up,” but there may be laws against that. ---
**Author:** ![Shodan](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/9f8e36/32.png) [@Shodan](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Shodan)\ **Post date:** [September 10, 2009, 4:41pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-do-you-handle-different-bedtimes-for-your-kids/509287/29 "2009-09-10T16:41:30Z")
> [@](#): > > I’d be tempted to say “you’re getting in the bus in your pjs if you don’t hurry up,” but there may be laws against that. Which is easily resolved by putting a pair of pants and a shirt into their backpack. They can change in the bathroom at school. My kids thought I was bluffing about this. Once. Regards, Shodan ---
**Author:** ![Susanann](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/7ab992/32.png) [@Susanann](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Susanann)\ **Post date:** [September 10, 2009, 5:18pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-do-you-handle-different-bedtimes-for-your-kids/509287/30 "2009-09-10T17:18:38Z")
> [@Renee](#): > > This is freaking brilliant. Excellent advice, thanks. You sound like exactly the kind of parent I want to be. Thanks! All my kids friends said I was the best parent ever, and all the kids came to our house to play, to eat, etc. and to go with us on trips, and skiing, fishing, camping, hunting, horsebackriding, swimming, ball games, etc. I never ever, not even once, hit my kids either. Besides no bedtimes, I also never ever lied to them, not even about Santa Claus. They all learned how to read, ride, shoot, and swim. They all went to church each week when they were children. When I said something, all my kids knew it was either the complete truth, or at least they knew that I thought it was the truth even if they disagreed with me. They always knew I never lie to them (trust). BTW, they all turned out great, college degrees, great jobs, no criminal records, no drugs, The idea behind parenting is 3 secrets: 1. your goal is to “teach” them to be selfsufficient and for them to learn how to make their own decision, let them make their own mistakes. Dont ever bully them just because you are twice as tall and weigh 3 times as much (how would YOU??? like it if a 20 foot tall 400 pound bully slapped you every time you made a mistake?) 2. You dont “own” your kids, you are just temporarily taking care of them. They are God’s children, and as a parent, you are just God’s baby sitter for a dozen years or so. 3. Kids are born with a tremendous urge to want to learn, and to want to work. Let them. ---
**Author:** ![Susanann](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/7ab992/32.png) [@Susanann](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Susanann)\ **Post date:** [September 10, 2009, 5:27pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-do-you-handle-different-bedtimes-for-your-kids/509287/31 "2009-09-10T17:27:05Z")
> [@Spud](#): > > I’m another one who doesn’t enforce a stirct bedtime. And it isn’t because I want them home schooled, they attend public schools in one of the best school districts in the state. Somehow they have all turned out to be honor students and top athletes (my oldest is playing varsity as a freshman at a large school ranked #2 in the state… and had a 4.0 for all three years of middle school). We trust them and they know that they have to be up and ready, and have rarely had to drive them in because they missed the bus. I’m up later now than I probably should be, but I’m just not tired and I’m sure I’ll be fine in the morning so I’m not too worried about it. So far my kids have shown the same judgements. YMMV. Good for you! My kids attended public schools also. I "wanted " them to be home schooled, but in the final analysis they all “chose” to go to public school. But Yeah, mine turned out just like yours. …and its not just the lack of giving them a “bedtime” that made your kids successful, its your whole attitude of how you raised them. The “no need for a bedtime”, is just one single outward example of your much larger style of parenting. ..and yeah, its about: trust! ---
**Author:** ![muldoonthief](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/muldoonthief/32/3188_2.png) [@muldoonthief](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/muldoonthief)\ **Post date:** [September 10, 2009, 6:08pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-do-you-handle-different-bedtimes-for-your-kids/509287/32 "2009-09-10T18:08:08Z")
> [@treis](#): > > It sounds like you have far greater problems than kids whining about their older sibling getting something. Enforcing bedtime should be easy peasy as a parent. If the kid gets up, frogmarch them back to their room and mete out an appropriate punishment. If you can’t win that battle you might as well disband the team and go bowling. Well, I’m glad that your kids weren’t as stubborn as ours. It’s the youngest who usually comes down, and yes, it does mean she gets marched right back up there and gets some privilege revoked. Doesn’t faze her a bit - she’ll often show up the next night as well. I think the problem there is that the punishment pretty much has to be delayed - what privilege can you revoke from a kid who is already in bed? Take away the blankets so she freezes? And so while she loses TV/video game/computer privileges the next day, she’s apparently not making the connection. She has been getting better now that school has started though. > [@Spud](#): > > I’m another one who doesn’t enforce a stirct bedtime. And it isn’t because I want them home schooled, they attend public schools in one of the best school districts in the state. Somehow they have all turned out to be honor students and top athletes (my oldest is playing varsity as a freshman at a large school ranked #2 in the state… and had a 4.0 for all three years of middle school). We trust them and they know that they have to be up and ready, and have rarely had to drive them in because they missed the bus. I’m up later now than I probably should be, but I’m just not tired and I’m sure I’ll be fine in the morning so I’m not too worried about it. So far my kids have shown the same judgements. YMMV. Did you stopped enforcing a bed time at a certain age, or have you never had one? I agree, for older kids letting them set their own bed time may work, but I think when they’re as young as mine, giving them that level of control is a mistake. > [@Susanann](#): > > Originally Posted by Susanann > When I see or hear parents yelling and fighting with their kids about going to bed when they are not tired, eating things when they are not hungry, it makes me so sad for them. I hope your children get thru it ok. Please take your pity and sympathy for my kids and place it in a location where the sun does not shine. You found a way that worked for raising your kids. Good for you. Don’t assume that all other ways are incorrect. ---
**Author:** ![norinew](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/n/eb9ed0/32.png) [@norinew](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/norinew)\ **Post date:** [September 10, 2009, 6:42pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-do-you-handle-different-bedtimes-for-your-kids/509287/33 "2009-09-10T18:42:02Z")
> [@Susanann](#): > > I never gave my kids a bedtime. > > I figured they would go to sleep when they got tired…it worked!..they did. Unfortunately, this was not an option for me. With my second one (who is now 18 and in college), I had to put her to bed at 9:00 because _I_ was tired! I had taken care of her and her older sister all day, and I needed an hour to chill out, relax, and then _go to bed_. See, I am not a night owl. But she is. At 18, she will stay up until 2AM on school nights, then pay the piper the next day when she has to get up when her body is screaming at her for more sleep. On non-school nights, her “bed time” is closer to 4AM, and her getting-up time is somewhere around 1PM. When she was 4, she would have _happily_ stayed up until midnight and slept until 10AM. Her older sister, however, wanted to go to bed between 8 and 8:30 and was up by 6AM. So, I could have left the younger one unsupervised between my bedtime and whenever she felt like going to bed, or I could have left my older one unsupervised between the time she got up and the time I got up, _or_ I could have lived for several years on fewer than 6 hours of sleep a night. OR I could make the younger one go to bed. Which is what I did. But I’m glad your way worked out for your family. Every family has to find its own way, it seems. > [@IvoryTowerDenizen](#): > > The biggest and bestest () rule is our house is the following: > > “Fair doesn’t mean everyone getting the same. Fair means everyone getting what they need”. > > I have had one child get cookies for snack and another fruit, because one had a sugary treat earlier and the other didn’t. > > No complaining about “not fair”. Can I get an Amen?? I read this advice in a parenting magazine _years_ ago, it made absolute sense to me, I implemented it immediately, and it has worked like a charm! Not only with such things as bed-time and snacks, etc. But also in weird little ways you wouldn’t even think of. If I ever saw something on a great sale for _one particular child_ (like a new shirt, or jeans or something, not toys and gifts), I could buy it without having to _undo_ the savings by ‘having’ to buy her sister(s) something similar so it would be “fair”. Any complaining got met with the simple explanation: “Fair does not mean everybody gets the same thing; fair means everybody gets what they need when they need it”. Complaints never lasted long. ---
**Author:** ![Runs\_With\_Scissors](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/278dde/32.png) [@Runs\_With\_Scissors](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Runs_With_Scissors)\ **Post date:** [September 11, 2009, 3:03am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-do-you-handle-different-bedtimes-for-your-kids/509287/34 "2009-09-11T03:03:17Z")
> [@IvoryTowerDenizen](#): > > The biggest and bestest (:)) rule is our house is the following: > > “Fair doesn’t mean everyone getting the same. Fair means everyone getting what they need”. > > I have had one child get cookies for snack and another fruit, because one had a sugary treat earlier and the other didn’t. > > No complaining about “not fair”. > > Best rule we ever made as parents! Exactly. Most people (not just kids!) think fair and equal mean the same thing. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-do-you-handle-different-bedtimes-for-your-kids/509287.md?page=1)