# How do you honestly feel about interracial relationships?

**URL:** <https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-do-you-honestly-feel-about-interracial-relationships/166772>\
**Category:** In My Humble Opinion\
**Created:** [April 6, 2003, 12:37am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-do-you-honestly-feel-about-interracial-relationships/166772 "2003-04-06T00:37:48Z")\
**Posts on this page:** 20\
**Page:** 3

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**Author:** ![Burnt\_Sugar](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/ee59a6/32.png) [@Burnt\_Sugar](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Burnt_Sugar)\
**Post date:** [April 6, 2003, 4:28am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-do-you-honestly-feel-about-interracial-relationships/166772/41 "2003-04-06T04:28:28Z")

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If I had a daughter, I would probably be secretly delighted if she brought home a person of a different race, because I am fascinated with other cultures. 🙂

> [@](#):
>
> \*Originally posted by Amp \*  
> \*\*On the other hand, while I have no problem with that and while I myself will date non-hispanic women I can’t really see myself marrying one. \*\*

May I ask why you can’t see yourself marrying a non-hispanic woman? Is it because you wouldn’t be comfortable with cultural difference? Or something else?

Sorry, I’m just curious! 🙂

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**Author:** ![sycorob](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/9de0a6/32.png) [@sycorob](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/sycorob)\
**Post date:** [April 6, 2003, 4:48am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-do-you-honestly-feel-about-interracial-relationships/166772/42 "2003-04-06T04:48:26Z")

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> [@](#):
>
> samarm, I totally disagree with what the people you know say about people from different cultures not being able to get along. People from different backgrounds fall in love, get married, have families, whatever all the time, and have done so probably as long as there have been people.

Although **samarm** (in a later post) is correct in that races have not mixed “as long as there are people,” I will back up the sentiments of **Laughing Lagomorph** ’s statement by saying that, of the half dozen serious relationships I have had, only one of them has been caucasian. Granted, my parents were working first in Africa, then in Jamaica, so I didn’t have much choice. But it proved to me that, although there are cultural differences (even among races/cultures in one country), these can be overcome by the usual combination of mutual attraction, intellectual compatibility and just plain lust. 😃

The point I want to get across - why limit your potential future mates on the basis of race, instead of much more important criteria (like “she snores like a wookee”)? You’re just shooting yourself in the foot, in my opinion.

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**Author:** ![LifeOnWry](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/96bed5/32.png) [@LifeOnWry](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/LifeOnWry)\
**Post date:** [April 6, 2003, 4:53am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-do-you-honestly-feel-about-interracial-relationships/166772/43 "2003-04-06T04:53:00Z")

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> [@](#):
>
> \*Originally posted by sycorob \*  
> \*\*The point I want to get across - why limit your potential future mates on the basis of race, instead of much more important criteria (like “she snores like a wookee”)? You’re just shooting yourself in the foot, in my opinion. \*\*

Thank goodness my husband was able to get past the “snores like a wookiee” problem (or maybe that was part of the attraction???)

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**Author:** ![MrO](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/50afbb/32.png) [@MrO](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/MrO)\
**Post date:** [April 6, 2003, 4:58am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-do-you-honestly-feel-about-interracial-relationships/166772/44 "2003-04-06T04:58:47Z")

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Interesting to think about what makes a relationship “interracial” for most people. I’m a white guy, and my wife is Asian. It’s rare to meet someone who has a big problem with that. (A few unfriendly looks from Korean men, but not many.) I have had a few people _tell_ me that they don’t really have a problem with it, which sort of suggests that they might, but they’re dealing with it. I have a brother-in-law who makes a point of telling me that he’s okay with my Korean wife, but that he wouldn’t have allowed me in his house with a black woman. Baffling.

In the past, I dated a couple of black women, and a couple of Mexican women. I never tried to bring them to the BIL’s house–not because I was ashamed of my girlfriends, but because I was ashamed of him. I’m a little ashamed to take my wife to his house, but I can’t keep my family a secret from my wife.

My daughter (also white, from a previous marriage) is 24, and if she announced a serious relationship with a man of a different skin color, I’d be happy that she was open-minded enough to consider it. Honestly, I don’t think I could possible care less about what color the guy is, as long as he’s kind to her and intelligent.

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**Author:** ![Ephemera](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/8baadc/32.png) [@Ephemera](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ephemera)\
**Post date:** [April 6, 2003, 5:21am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-do-you-honestly-feel-about-interracial-relationships/166772/45 "2003-04-06T05:21:24Z")

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> [@](#):
>
> \*Originally posted by Doctor Goo Fee \*  
> \*\*how “ethnic” she is? what the hell does that mean?? \*\*

Sigh. I knew someone would take exception to this. I also expected to be attacked for accidentally saying “mixed” instead of “interracial”.

I know ethnic was the wrong word choice but I couldn’t think of anything better. If I were to bring home an anglicized latina with light skin, I doubt my parents would have a problem but if I were to bring home a dark skinned urban one, they would.

Does that clarify any better? Nothing was meant to be implied.

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**Author:** ![5-HT](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/5/f19dbf/32.png) [@5-HT](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/5-HT)\
**Post date:** [April 6, 2003, 5:24am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-do-you-honestly-feel-about-interracial-relationships/166772/46 "2003-04-06T05:24:08Z")

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I really can’t imagine it mattering to me. I think an interracial relationship involving my daughter\* would cause me more grief as a result of having to deal with the reactions of some of the less tolerant members of my family. but you know what, fuck them, I would be happy my daughter had met someone she loved and if that means I have to deal with criticism, so be it.

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**Author:** ![Oy\_Vey](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/o/dbc845/32.png) [@Oy\_Vey](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Oy_Vey)\
**Post date:** [April 6, 2003, 5:31am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-do-you-honestly-feel-about-interracial-relationships/166772/47 "2003-04-06T05:31:17Z")

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I’ll start off by stating that I’m the product of a Mexican-Irish/German union, and that my kids have their mother’s Bahamian/Scottish heritage. I, in my appearance and mannerisms, appear to have absolutely no ‘hispanic’ attributes except for my ability to roll my 'r’s properly.

I dated one of the most seriously WASPy girls in high school and on through college. She apparently had a thing for hispanics, but I was white enough that her family (once they got over my name) didn’t pay attention to it. During the several years we dated I learned just how… I can’t say prejudiced as it wasn’t out of spite… cheerfully intolerant of blacks. She’d make borderline racist jokes or comments, her friends would laugh, and I’d be more than slightly uncomfortable. We eventually broke up. After trying to date a few hispanic girls, a friendship with a black female co-worker eventually developed into a relationship, and 5 years later we are married and have 3 kids. She does not fit most of the stereotypes white people seem to have of blacks… she was born in the Bahamas and educated in Nassau, Grenada, New York and Miami. Her step father was a British Naval engineer.

That there are people who don’t approve of mixed relationships isn’t in question. We certainly had our fill from little old cuban ladies in Miami, my mexican-indian grandmother and black men in Lubbock and in Dallas. What matters is the “target’s” reaction to any percieved or offered disdain. For the most part, we ignore it, and other than a quick flash of annoyance or humor, its meaningless. Neither of us has ever really been immersed or a part of our respective cultures, or particularly want to be. Our families had no objection (grandmother excepted), and of my three siblings, two have married outside their culture/race/religion.

When it comes down to it, I guess what matters is how much ‘cultural baggage’ is brought to the table in a mixed relationship. I like real mexican food (no, taco bell is NOT mexican food) and she likes hip hop and r&b. Past that, there’s no feeling that I should be more hispanic or loyal to ‘my’ people and the same goes for her. I’d imagine that someone who (as my wife puts it) is a ‘black professional victim’ would have a hard time maintaining a relationship with a white person, and I don’t imagine ‘cuban princesses’ would do the same. In either case, both of the examples I posited would, in my opinion, be more likely to have their attitudes or choices affected by the feelings and opinions of their peers and relatives when it came to a decision like this.

In short, its not an issue unless you make it one, or allow it to be made one for you.

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**Author:** ![5-HT](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/5/f19dbf/32.png) [@5-HT](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/5-HT)\
**Post date:** [April 6, 2003, 5:44am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-do-you-honestly-feel-about-interracial-relationships/166772/48 "2003-04-06T05:44:03Z")

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oops, that \* was supposed to lead to:

- I don’t actually have children, that’s a hypothetical daughter.

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**Author:** ![MissGypsy](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/8491ac/32.png) [@MissGypsy](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/MissGypsy)\
**Post date:** [April 6, 2003, 6:31am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-do-you-honestly-feel-about-interracial-relationships/166772/49 "2003-04-06T06:31:07Z")

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Well, when it was presented to me (at age 7), I didn’t care much at all. But I reconsidered my opinion of my parents, because of their racist comments.

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**Author:** ![yosemite](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/y/3ab097/32.png) [@yosemite](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/yosemite)\
**Post date:** [April 6, 2003, 6:53am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-do-you-honestly-feel-about-interracial-relationships/166772/50 "2003-04-06T06:53:38Z")

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My sister married a black man. He’s by all accounts a great catch—great job, good looking, devoted husband and father. True, he’s somewhat anal-retentive and kind of stubborn, but that’s my sister’s problem, not mine!

I remember my parents were a bit concerned about him when my sister dated him, but they didn’t put up a huge fuss. They didn’t have a problem with him being black per-se, they were more worried about how society would treat my sister and him. I did have one aunt who refused to go to the wedding. (She later said she regretted doing that, and has a good relationship with my sister’s husband.) My mom had somewhat more reservations than my dad, but she said that once my sister actually got married, she’d shut her mouth about her concerns, and only be supportive. And that’s what she did. She’s the “dream mother-in-law” for my sister’s husband—never butts in, never tries to pry or cause problems… Of course the fact that she lives many miles away helps.

I do remember the irony regarding my sister and her husband. Around the same time that she got engaged and then married him, one of her best friends married a “Good church boy” (who happened to be white). (Church is very important to us, and this boy was a church member, while my sister’s husband was not.) The “Good church boy” was from a “good family”, had all the right “credentials”. This girl’s parents were convinced (I could tell) that their precious daughter had made a much more prudent choice than my sister did, with her (gasp!) _black_ husband. But in a few years the “Good church boy” was cheating on my sister’s best friend. He was into drugs, was abusive to the kids, and was a complete and utter asshole of the highest degree. So much for “Good church boy”.

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**Author:** ![StGermain](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/stgermain/32/2868_2.png) [@StGermain](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/StGermain)\
**Post date:** [April 6, 2003, 7:10am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-do-you-honestly-feel-about-interracial-relationships/166772/51 "2003-04-06T07:10:37Z")

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Well, not having children and not being likely to, I’d say as far as my parents go, it would be far more important to my mother (my only living parent) that the man I’d eventually marry was Catholic than any race. When, at one time, my sister was engaged to a Turk, my parents’ only problem with that relationship was that he was Muslim. And that Turkey was so far away we’d almost never get to see her. Considering how she feels about that same sister’s pasty white husband, I’m not sure the Muslim wouldn’t’ve found greater acceptance.

Personally, I’d be far more likely to marry a Black Catholic than a White Atheist. To me, faith is so much a part of my life, I couldn’t imagine living with someone who didn’t share that.

BTW - she just finished reading the autobiography of Ronan Tynan, one of the Three Irish Tenors. She was saying to me "Well, yes, he’s a double amputee from a birth defect, but he’s a horseman and an Irishman and loves to sing and Catholic and he’s single. He’s perfect for you!

StG

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**Author:** ![MrVisible](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/46a35a/32.png) [@MrVisible](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/MrVisible)\
**Post date:** [April 6, 2003, 7:14am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-do-you-honestly-feel-about-interracial-relationships/166772/52 "2003-04-06T07:14:01Z")

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I’m caucasian, 37, and male.

My significant other is Navajo, 25, and also male.

I guess you’d say that while I’ve got no problem whatsoever with interracial relationships, I don’t have much against any relationships between consenting adults. Whatever brings you love.

Meanwhile, my mom just adores my boyfriend; in fact, this afternoon she spent hours teaching him how to knit. No kidding.

And his family seem to like me; his mom has made it clear that I’m family now.

I ordered a whole bunch of Navajo language tapes and books just this morning. It’ll be nice to be able to understand a few words of what people are saying when the family gets together.

And if we have kids, and the kids grow up to love someone of another race, will we ever have some pointers for them.

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**Author:** ![Kyla](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/k/eada6e/32.png) [@Kyla](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Kyla)\
**Post date:** [April 6, 2003, 8:08am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-do-you-honestly-feel-about-interracial-relationships/166772/53 "2003-04-06T08:08:00Z")

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I’m the product of an inter…ethnic, I guess, marriage. My mom is Irish-American Catholic, my dad is Jewish. My bubbe gave my dad some amount of crap for marrying a (lapsed) Catholic, which is completely absurd, considering she taught him absolutely nothing about Jewish culture and religion growing up. They’ll have their 30th anniversary this year.

Anyway, my parents wouldn’t care if I married someone of another race/ethnicity. A number of their friends are of mixed heritage, or are in bi-ethnic relationships. I think I think they would be much more freaked out if I married a religious fundamentalist (my parents are atheists).

Race isn’t important to me per se, but I think I might have trouble living my life with someone who came from a drastically different cultural background, whatever it might be.

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**Author:** ![system](https://global.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/original/2X/e/e489c3b7d8fce19c4b355dd4fc3f88cc39c34b87.png) [@system](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/system)\
**Post date:** [April 6, 2003, 9:39am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-do-you-honestly-feel-about-interracial-relationships/166772/54 "2003-04-06T09:39:46Z")

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> [@](#):
>
> \*Originally posted by sycorob \*  
> Although **samarm** (in a later post) is correct in that races have not mixed “as long as there are people,”

No, he is not correct. Genetic and related evidence is quite clear on that. Even before the 19th centuries, and indeed before the 15th centuries there were ebbs and flows - European “white” genetic diversity is but a subset of larger Asiatic diversity with moderate clines blending into both eastern asia and into Africa (where contra the stereotype, both cacasiod and non-cacasoid types are found). Search on Chamla, race and my username in GD for citations. Back 2 or 3 years now.

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**Author:** ![sirtonyh](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/ad7895/32.png) [@sirtonyh](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/sirtonyh)\
**Post date:** [April 6, 2003, 10:08am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-do-you-honestly-feel-about-interracial-relationships/166772/55 "2003-04-06T10:08:30Z")

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No problem here at all. I’m a white guy and I’ve dated black, hispanic, japanese, chinese and thai women. No problem with any of my friends in inter-racial relationships either. I just look at each person as an individual; race makes no difference

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**Author:** ![Sappho](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/bb73d2/32.png) [@Sappho](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Sappho)\
**Post date:** [April 6, 2003, 11:00am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-do-you-honestly-feel-about-interracial-relationships/166772/56 "2003-04-06T11:00:53Z")

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I think that the issue here isn’t so much interracial couples as “inter-culture” couples. I come from an Indian background but have always lived in Britain. My parents would vastly prefer me to marry someone who was Indian. I don’t think that this is “racist” as such. What they argue is that it is much easier to marry someone who is from your culture - you share the same background, assumptions, expectations, religion - and conversely that marrying outside your culture entails much stress and compromise.

I think that’s a valid argument and that those who have dismissed interracial dating as a complete non-issue are probably only doing so out of a certain naivety. There’s also the fact that this is much more of an issue if you’re the ethnic minority. For my parents the problem of how to retain their culture is one that they face daily in a range of situations and so they’re bound to have a different view of relationships also.

That said, I’m much more English than Indian and am currently very much in love with an English guy. 😉 I just wanted to try and explain my parents’ point of view.

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**Author:** ![Achernar](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/e274bd/32.png) [@Achernar](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Achernar)\
**Post date:** [April 6, 2003, 11:09am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-do-you-honestly-feel-about-interracial-relationships/166772/57 "2003-04-06T11:09:22Z")

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> [@](#):
>
> \*Originally posted by Sappho \*  
> My parents would vastly prefer me to marry someone who was Indian. I don’t think that this is “racist” as such. What they argue is that it is much easier to marry someone who is from your culture… I think that’s a valid argument and that those who have dismissed interracial dating as a complete non-issue are probably only doing so out of a certain naivety.

Or maybe we don’t think people should choose their relationships based on what’s easy.

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**Author:** ![godzillatemple](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/g/49beb7/32.png) [@godzillatemple](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/godzillatemple)\
**Post date:** [April 6, 2003, 11:30am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-do-you-honestly-feel-about-interracial-relationships/166772/58 "2003-04-06T11:30:06Z")

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> [@](#):
>
> \*Originally posted by Oy Vey \*  
> **I’ll start off by stating that I’m the product of a Mexican-Irish/German union, and that my kids have their mother’s Bahamian/Scottish heritage.**

OK, now all I want to know is how you happened to pick your user name…

😉

Barry

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**Author:** ![Sappho](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/bb73d2/32.png) [@Sappho](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Sappho)\
**Post date:** [April 6, 2003, 11:30am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-do-you-honestly-feel-about-interracial-relationships/166772/59 "2003-04-06T11:30:48Z")

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Well, this is what I think too as it happens. My current love is my complete opposite and I really like that. But I think it is fair to say that it’s harder this way and if you want an easy life cross-cultural relationships/marriages aren’t for you.

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**Author:** ![Laughing\_Lagomorph](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/6bbea6/32.png) [@Laughing\_Lagomorph](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Laughing_Lagomorph)\
**Post date:** [April 6, 2003, 12:03pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-do-you-honestly-feel-about-interracial-relationships/166772/60 "2003-04-06T12:03:29Z")

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> [@](#):
>
> \*Originally posted by samarm \*  
> \*\*Interesting point. I thought that up until the advent of the passenger ship and the colonial era, people from different races hardly mixed at all. Africa was inhabitted almost entirely by black people. Europe was inhabitted almost exclusively by whites. Indians inhabitted the plains of the USA… etc etc. Even now, there are some places in the world where it is almost exclusively one race (think Japan and China). \*\*

Ah, the old “race” vs. “culture” mistake. I was very careful in my post to talk about mixed culture marriages, rather than mixed race. As **Collunsbury** pointed out in this thread, and innumerable times previously, “race” is a concept of practically no value when talking about human beings.

**samarm** , your friends with the hangups about mixed marriages seem to understand this, however. By your telling, they think the problem is one of mixing cultures, not “races”.

If I have learned one thing from the SDMB over the last several years, it is this. The idea that Africa, for example, was historically occupied by some monolithic entity called “The Negroid Race” is mostly a cultural construct, based on a Eurocentric (and by extension, Anglo-American centric) world view.

To take one of your examples **samarm** : You say North America was occupied by “Indians”. While the European colonists no doubt saw them as a more or less interchangeable mass of people, I am pretty sure the people themselves saw themselves as Sioux, Navajo, Algonquin, Iroquois, or whatever. That was the culture they belonged to, not some homogenous “Native American” culture. There was no doubt some intermarriage over the millenia between people from different tribes, and therefore different cultures.

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