# How do you improve self esteem? **URL:** \ **Category:** In My Humble Opinion\ **Created:** [November 10, 2008, 12:13am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-do-you-improve-self-esteem/471960 "2008-11-10T00:13:26Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 17\ **Page:** 2
**Author:** ![phouka](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/c5a1d2/32.png) [@phouka](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/phouka)\ **Post date:** [November 10, 2008, 5:48pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-do-you-improve-self-esteem/471960/21 "2008-11-10T17:48:24Z")
I’m going to go with **MandaJO’s** thoughts on self-obsession. God knows I spend too much time inside my own head. So, go get out of your head. Do things that don’t allow you to dwell on yourself and your faults. That means it has to be challenging. Mentally or physically doesn’t matter. Just get into something that forces you to work at it. Also, start keeping track of the good things you do. If you keep a journal, stop writing about all the sucky stuff in your life (advice I need to take), and start noting all the good things you do. I have a white board in my bedroom where I track the number of miles I’ve ridden my bicycle. Currently I’m up to 336, and every time I look at that number, I feel proud of myself. Once, when I was in a really bleak mood, stuck organizing my files, I came across the letters of recommendation written by a former principal, fellow teacher, and another staff member. Reading those made me feel so much better, I can’t begin to tell you. Trust the good things others say about you. Record them somewhere, and then, when you are feeling small and worthless, go back and read them. ---
**Author:** ![Rascal\_s\_Mom](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/a698b9/32.png) [@Rascal\_s\_Mom](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Rascal_s_Mom)\ **Post date:** [November 10, 2008, 6:44pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-do-you-improve-self-esteem/471960/22 "2008-11-10T18:44:23Z")
> [@MaddyStrut](#): > > Periodically, do something nice for yourself. Get a massage, manicure, pedicure, facial, etc. This is fantastic advice! I just recently, in the last year or so, have been having my hair highlighted or colored. It’s not to cover anything or change me. It’s just fun and feel like the bee’s knees every time I catch my reflection in the mirror. ---
**Author:** ![Beware\_of\_Doug](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/278dde/32.png) [@Beware\_of\_Doug](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Beware_of_Doug)\ **Post date:** [November 10, 2008, 6:58pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-do-you-improve-self-esteem/471960/23 "2008-11-10T18:58:18Z")
> [@Crafter\_Man](#): > > The traditional, politically-correct plan for building someone’s self esteem is as follows: > > 1. Artificially build their self-esteem by telling them they’re wonderful, great, smart, etc. > 2. Hope that they go off and accomplish great things. > > This doesn’t work because it’s backwards. To build self-esteem, a person must first accomplish things. As they accomplish bigger and better things, their self-esteem will naturally blossom. It’s very hard, and most people never even try, because you really do need to open up to the possibility that you ARE as awful and hopeless as you think you are. You need to be OK with getting worse before you get better. You may even need to hit bottom, psychically speaking. In order to get out there and accomplish what it takes to earn self-worth, you have to start by doing it with all your inner “tapes” playing at top volume. Because they will be. And you’re going to have to live with your worst fears seemingly coming true, and with the sick panicked feeling that gives you, until, one day, you notice it’s going away. ---
**Author:** ![Thinks2Much](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/73ab20/32.png) [@Thinks2Much](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Thinks2Much)\ **Post date:** [November 10, 2008, 10:17pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-do-you-improve-self-esteem/471960/24 "2008-11-10T22:17:15Z")
> [@Alpine](#): > > One of the best things I ever did for my self-esteem (in retrospect) was take a self-defense class. Our instructor made us repeat Out Loud, every class: > I am worthy (physically, mentally, emotionally, spiritually) > I am strong (p, m ,e, s) > I am independent(?) (p, m ,e, s) I saw a counselor for a brief time, the major issue of which was poor self esteem. He likened our own thoughts in our heads to an internal radio. He said that you have reprogram the radio and not allow yourself to think negative thoughts about yourself. You have to cancel the KJUNK radio show and broadcast a new one to yourself. You can’t lie to yourself, either, when you reprogram. You have to find little things, however small they are, that you like about yourself and every time you start to think something negative, you have to stop yourself and think something good instead. I know it sounds silly, and it reminds me of Jack Handy from Saturday Night Live back when, but it really does work to some degree. You start to realize just how often you think negative thoughts. It took time, but I stopped spending so much negative energy. You do have a lot more to like about yourself when you have things to do that you can be proud of, to everyone else’s points. ---
**Author:** ![monavis](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/e0b2c6/32.png) [@monavis](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/monavis)\ **Post date:** [November 11, 2008, 12:15pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-do-you-improve-self-esteem/471960/25 "2008-11-11T12:15:41Z")
> [@dragongirl](#): > > My self esteem in badly in need of some help, as demonstrated by [this thread](http://boards.straightdope.com/sdmb/showthread.php?t=490843). > > Most of the time, I just feel like a horrible person and I don’t know how to change that. I’m sure that some of it has to do with neglectful parents and a very long abusive marriage. There are also several other bad situations that I find myself in and I feel that I am the common denominator. > > I feel very unattractive and that there is never anything I do that will be good enough for anyone else. I am a person who is never going to be loved in any sense of the word. > > There is evidence of the contrary. I have a very challenging job that I love and I do very well there, just being promoted. I have a boyfriend who thinks the world of me. But I keep waiting for the other shoe to drop. > > I have been seeing a therapist for a few weeks now, which I hope is a step in the right direction. > > Are there any suggestions to help me stop feeling this way? First of all, you are a good person or you wouldn’t be worrying about how you look etc. Secondly do not let someone else define you. If people think you are the best person in the world and you are not…so what! If they think you are the worst person in the world..so what! Only you can determine and define your self. You can change your attitude by taking a good look at your self and ask your self if some one else was asking you the same question about them self, How would you respond to them? Thirdly try to think more of how you can see the good in others, then you will see it reflected back on you. If you recognize the good in others it is because you have it in you. Monavis ---
**Author:** ![lobotomyboy63](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/lobotomyboy63/32/2900_2.png) [@lobotomyboy63](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/lobotomyboy63)\ **Post date:** [November 11, 2008, 12:30pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-do-you-improve-self-esteem/471960/26 "2008-11-11T12:30:19Z")
> [@Harriet\_the\_Spry](#): > > And \*\*dragongirl \*\*mentioned in another thread that she is now manager of a group home for disabled adults. While in general I think \*\*MandaJO’\*\*s advice is spot on, it sounds like helping others is an area where \*\*dragongirl \*\*already deserves a pat on the back. I once dated a woman who had low self-esteem. We reached a point where she claimed I didn’t really care, which was really out of the blue to me. I pointed out a laundry list of things I had said and done that ought to prove otherwise. “It’s like you decline delivery,” I said. WAG, I think that’s a part of OP’s problem. People may compliment and congratulate, but if it’s filtered through things like “He’s only saying that because [false attribution]” and “I know that’s what she thinks, but the truth is [false attribution],” then the target of the kudos is never reached. What’s so “unlikeable” and “unloveable” about you, OP? Is declining what’s offered just a way of not setting yourself up, not getting fooled again? It’s true that some will flatter etc. as part of a bigger scheme but it’s also true that many genuinely mean it, so that’s throwing out the baby with the bath water. I couldn’t find the quote in imdb from the original “Nutty Professor.” Something to the effect, “You might as well like who you are. After all, you’re going to be spending a lot of time with yourself.” ---
**Author:** ![Nava](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/n/da6949/32.png) [@Nava](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Nava)\ **Post date:** [November 11, 2008, 3:07pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-do-you-improve-self-esteem/471960/27 "2008-11-11T15:07:57Z")
My biggest step in that direction was the day I refused to go on believing that I was useless and unable to get anything right. I said “there HAS to be something I’m good at, now I have to go and find it.” Smaller steps have been - rejecting the negative thoughts: “I’m such an idiot!” is not acceptable - “I made a mistake” is acceptable. The second one is objective and correctible, the first one is neither. Then, I look for the possible correction, - realizing that the fact that someone has had a negative reaction does not mean I made a mistake, - learning to ask myself “would that be acceptable to me if another person does it?” If it would, then I have to accept it from myself as well! ---
**Author:** ![discodancer](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/e9c0ed/32.png) [@discodancer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/discodancer)\ **Post date:** [November 11, 2008, 5:57pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-do-you-improve-self-esteem/471960/28 "2008-11-11T17:57:50Z")
The realization that some of the things you do badly are not because of who you are but because of what you have done. Meaning, it’s better to criticize your actions without criticizing your worth. ---
**Author:** ![Jayn\_Newell](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/j/f9ae1b/32.png) [@Jayn\_Newell](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Jayn_Newell)\ **Post date:** [November 11, 2008, 6:16pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-do-you-improve-self-esteem/471960/29 "2008-11-11T18:16:27Z")
> [@Nava](#): > > - rejecting the negative thoughts: “I’m such an idiot!” is not acceptable - “I made a mistake” is acceptable. The second one is objective and correctible, the first one is neither. Then, I look for the possible correction, Someone suggested this to me while I was in high school, and it did help. If you have a habit of calling yourself stupid, stop. Words have a lot more power than some people realise, and if you can just bite your tongue when you’re about to say it, eventually you’ll stop even thinking it. That alone helps remove the negative feelings of your worth. ---
**Author:** ![msmith537](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/d9b06d/32.png) [@msmith537](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/msmith537)\ **Post date:** [November 11, 2008, 6:30pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-do-you-improve-self-esteem/471960/30 "2008-11-11T18:30:53Z")
> [@Beware\_of\_Doug](#): > > It’s very hard, and most people never even try, because you really do need to open up to the possibility that you ARE as awful and hopeless as you think you are. You need to be OK with getting worse before you get better. You may even need to hit bottom, psychically speaking. Just knowing you went out and tried something is often enough to set you above other people. Athletics are good (not just martial arts, which are IMHO mostly for Asian kids, nerds and psychos) because they provide you with a tangible, objective, accomplishment. You finish a race or you don’t. You score a goal or don’t. Etc. So much of what people base their self worth on is derived from intangible or subjective opinions of others. Am I attractive? Am I popular? Does my boss like my work? Are my things “nice” enough? It is a mistake to seek validation in those things because odds are there is someone who will tell you the answer is “no”. > [@monavis](#): > > First of all, you are a good person or you wouldn’t be worrying about how you look etc. I don’t see what one has to do with the other. ---
**Author:** ![Gala\_Matrix\_Fire](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/g/4da419/32.png) [@Gala\_Matrix\_Fire](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Gala_Matrix_Fire)\ **Post date:** [November 11, 2008, 6:34pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-do-you-improve-self-esteem/471960/31 "2008-11-11T18:34:02Z")
Why should you have high self-esteem, just because? What do you do that’s useful to anybody? How do you enrich anybody’s life? What skills and talents do you have? Does anybody ever pay you compliments, and if so, what for? Make a list. With any luck, it will turn out to be longer than you expected. If it’s not, then do something useful. Pick up trash on the street. Treat cashiers politely. Replace the toilet paper roll when it runs out. You don’t get to have self-esteem just for existing, despite what a generation of wrong-headed child-rearing “experts” said. Wait a minute, I just re-read the thread. You’re the manager at a group home for disabled adults? You should feel great about yourself. Few people are temperamentality qualified for a job like that or willing to do it. I admire you. ---
**Author:** ![Minnie\_Luna](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/4bbf92/32.png) [@Minnie\_Luna](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Minnie_Luna)\ **Post date:** [November 11, 2008, 8:28pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-do-you-improve-self-esteem/471960/32 "2008-11-11T20:28:24Z")
As someone who has been in therapy for years, let me tell you, you **will** get there. Think of yourself as a baby learning how to walk. You can’t run a marathon at 12 months old, but you can get where you need to go. Just last week I had a similar convo with my therapist. I have realized that I have accomplished a lot in my time in therapy. It hasn’t always been fun and I haven’t always wanted to go, but I have learned so much about myself. That is what has boosted my self-esteem. I had a lot of issues with anxiety, anger and shame. I too was “waiting for the other shoe to drop” most of my life. **Thinks2Much** is right, it is about re-programming how you think, or at least it was in my case. That doesn’t happen overnight, it takes a while. ---
**Author:** ![lobotomyboy63](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/lobotomyboy63/32/2900_2.png) [@lobotomyboy63](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/lobotomyboy63)\ **Post date:** [November 11, 2008, 9:45pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-do-you-improve-self-esteem/471960/33 "2008-11-11T21:45:00Z")
> [@Gala\_Matrix\_Fire](#): > > Wait a minute, I just re-read the thread. You’re the manager at a group home for disabled adults? You should feel great about yourself. Few people are temperamentality qualified for a job like that or willing to do it. I admire you. This is why I think others are probably already noticing her and the things she does. If they’re complimenting/praising her, is it not getting through? The other thing I would add is that I think sometimes ppl focus on what they don’t have and forget what they do have. E.g. I don’t think I’m rich but if I see a homeless person, I realize that it’s all very relative. I’m not the richest person in the world, but I’m by far not the poorest, either. If you have money out the wazoo, maybe you wish you were more physically attractive. If you’re physically attractive, maybe you wish you were more intelligent. If you’re intelligent, maybe you wish you were more athletic. If you’re athletic, maybe you wish you had a better sense of humor. Etc. We’re all a mix of good and bad. Focus on the shortcomings to improve, sure, but if you obsess on them you’ll make yourself crazy. You’re not perfect, OP, but in some ways, you’re great. ---
**Author:** ![Quasimodal](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/q/57b2e6/32.png) [@Quasimodal](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Quasimodal)\ **Post date:** [November 11, 2008, 10:00pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-do-you-improve-self-esteem/471960/34 "2008-11-11T22:00:12Z")
Here’s my 2 cents from a recovering depressive. Great advice from all. For me, accomplishing something **I** want to do makes me feel good. Then the next step is finding someone you trust who reaffirms what you like to do. When you find you’re groove and love it…people will want to know you. It picks them up. Having one buddy you can talk to about anything is a real boost. Go meet some people, you’ll find someone you gel with soon enough. I have a friend today who I talked to about shitting patterns…yes I can talk to him about anything! Why don’t you start a journal? Write about what excites you, what you hate, what you want to do before you die? You’ve got so much to do and to look forward to! Also, if you’re like me, you are inward focused. Try some little things…don’t look in the mirror for a whole day, ask and be inquisitive about other people. Compliment somebody. FORGET ABOUT YOURSELF. For me at least, I find I dwell on myself, and it sinks me socially, and then it only gets worse. When I forget about myself I become much more in the moment and sociable. People like me more, and I like myself more. I’ll say this…you’re going through a phase…it can be tough, but when you get through it (and you will) you will be more in tune with yourself and will be happier than you thought you’d ever be. You will own yourself…and thats what is called confidence. No pain no gain! 🙂 Go read a biography of one of your heroes. I read Barack Obama’s recently. It comforts me to know that everyone goes through bouts of turmoil to reach their potential. Remember…, you’re cool! ---
**Author:** ![BlinkingDuck](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/eada6e/32.png) [@BlinkingDuck](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/BlinkingDuck)\ **Post date:** [November 11, 2008, 10:40pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-do-you-improve-self-esteem/471960/35 "2008-11-11T22:40:29Z")
I was once diagnosed with depression. What caused me to go in was a commercial on the radio. It wasn’t your typical ‘you are depressed if’ stuff that I heard many times before. It basically said: - Do you feel that you are not doing well at work but get good reviews/been promoted etc? - Do you not feel as confident as you used to? - Do you feel that you will never find love/you are not very loveable? This shocked me because the above applied (especially the first two). You could be depressed. Depression is a very real illness (and it is an illness because many can be treated - I responded to the treatment very well and very fast). ---
**Author:** ![Shirley\_Ujest](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/45deac/32.png) [@Shirley\_Ujest](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Shirley_Ujest)\ **Post date:** [November 12, 2008, 8:19am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-do-you-improve-self-esteem/471960/36 "2008-11-12T08:19:09Z")
> [@MandaJo](#): > > I’ve found that very low self-esteem is often paired with self-obsession. People with low self-esteem think about themselves and how much they suck all the time. They are endlessly apologizing to other people because they think other people are paying close attention to them and how much they suck. Their self-loathing is so huge they assume everyone is as facinated by it as they are. This doesn’t mean they are bad people or conceited or anything. They just have everything out of proportion. > > So my solution is to get into situations where you are so busy thinking about other people that you can’t think about yourself: go build houses for Habitat for Humanity, volunteer at a soup kitchen, visit strangers in a nursing home and listen to their stories. Spending 4 or 6 or 8 hours at a time not thinking about yourself gives one a hell of a rest. Teaching does this for me. I worry so much about other people that there isn’t much room to worry about me. > > And stay in therapy. It can help, but not in a few weeks. Brilliantly put. This is what I refer to as, " Get Out Of Your Head." ---
**Author:** ![monavis](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/e0b2c6/32.png) [@monavis](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/monavis)\ **Post date:** [November 12, 2008, 11:33am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-do-you-improve-self-esteem/471960/37 "2008-11-12T11:33:22Z")
> [@msmith537](#): > > Just knowing you went out and tried something is often enough to set you above other people. > > Athletics are good (not just martial arts, which are IMHO mostly for Asian kids, nerds and psychos) because they provide you with a tangible, objective, accomplishment. You finish a race or you don’t. You score a goal or don’t. Etc. > > So much of what people base their self worth on is derived from intangible or subjective opinions of others. Am I attractive? Am I popular? Does my boss like my work? Are my things “nice” enough? It is a mistake to seek validation in those things because odds are there is someone who will tell you the answer is “no”. > > I don’t see what one has to do with the other. My point is that a good person wants to improve them selves and has goodness in them even if they do not recognize it. We are what we are, not what someone else thinks we are. Monavis [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-do-you-improve-self-esteem/471960.md?page=1)