# How do you let go in a relationship? **URL:** \ **Category:** In My Humble Opinion\ **Created:** [May 11, 2010, 12:41am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-do-you-let-go-in-a-relationship/538981 "2010-05-11T00:41:08Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 2
**Author:** ![markm](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/9de053/32.png) [@markm](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/markm)\ **Post date:** [May 11, 2010, 3:08pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-do-you-let-go-in-a-relationship/538981/21 "2010-05-11T15:08:31Z")
The first thing that happened when my wife announced that it was over was that she started sleeping in the guest room. We became room-mates. We would be friendly to one another, but we did not do _anything_ together. She still wanted to, but as was said upthread, I told her she couldn’t have it both ways. Either she was leaving or she wasn’t. There was no, “We can still do things together/hang out, but I’ll be moving out as soon as I find a place.” I simply could not live like that. It’s hard, and it sucks, but it works. ---
**Author:** ![purplehorseshoe](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/purplehorseshoe/32/2996_2.png) [@purplehorseshoe](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/purplehorseshoe)\ **Post date:** [May 11, 2010, 3:45pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-do-you-let-go-in-a-relationship/538981/22 "2010-05-11T15:45:18Z")
Everybody else has already said it, but I’ll add one more voice to the chorus: Clean break, man. It’s the only way to do it. I’m sorry she said she has fallen out of love with you. ---
**Author:** ![black\_rabbit](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/f19dbf/32.png) [@black\_rabbit](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/black_rabbit)\ **Post date:** [May 11, 2010, 4:21pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-do-you-let-go-in-a-relationship/538981/23 "2010-05-11T16:21:13Z")
When I left my ex wife, the sequence went something like this: Tuesday: “This isn’t working. I’m going to move out.” Wednesday: Called landlords. Thursday: Viewed apartments. Filled out rental application. Friday: Signed lease. Payed deposit and first month’s rent. Saturday: Packed. Sunday: Moved. Obviously, your situation is more complicated due to the kids, but there’s no sense in putting off the inevitable. When you get home tonight, wake her up, and tell her that she’s sleeping on the couch until she finds her own place. Don’t _for a minute_ allow yourself to think that you have to make concessions for _her_ comfort or _her_ desire to avoid shame and embarrassment. She’s the one who wants to leave, so she’s the one who gets to suffer the consequences. Do _not_ make any concessions to any demands or requests on her part in advance. I know you love her, and you don’t want to hurt her, but she’s hurting you pretty badly right now, and you have to defend yourself. She’ll survive, and if she’s at all responsible and empathetic, your friendship will remain as intact as it’s destined to be after all’s said and done. Again: This is _her_ deal. Make _her_ do the work. And don’t borrow any more trouble - you’re going to suffer enough heartbreak without volunteering to shoulder _her_ burden. ---
**Author:** ![In\_Winnipeg](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/i/a8b319/32.png) [@In\_Winnipeg](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/In_Winnipeg)\ **Post date:** [May 11, 2010, 5:23pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-do-you-let-go-in-a-relationship/538981/24 "2010-05-11T17:23:18Z")
There are certain things you need to be clear on when you actually do split – custody, access, what’s going to happen with the marital home, how to split the other assets. If you are such good friends, this can be amicable, but don’t fall into the trap where common sense goes out of the window and everything’s held up because you’re arguing over who gets the silverware. Know when to cut your losses on asset division, and agree that stuff you both brought into the marriage is stuff you’ll take out, and the stuff you’ll split is the stuff you got together, such as furniture, vehicles, etc. If it’s decided that one of you will keep the house, the other person’s share of the equity will have to be bought from them. If neither of you can afford to do this and can’t get a remortgage from the bank, then put the place up for sale, and split what’s left after the bank is paid off. You can remain friends, and it’s in your best interests to do so if you have children together, because you are going to be seeing each other in conjunction with the child’s activities, all the way up to when they graduate from high school, if not longer. Use common sense in regard to this and do not use the child as a pawn to get back at her; do not speak ill of her in front of the child, and do not use the child as a messanger to pass on information. ---
**Author:** ![OccamsTaser](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/o/3ec8ea/32.png) [@OccamsTaser](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/OccamsTaser)\ **Post date:** [May 11, 2010, 6:03pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-do-you-let-go-in-a-relationship/538981/25 "2010-05-11T18:03:50Z")
The thoughts of a guy who was married for 13yrs, together for 17yrs, and who’s divorce was final 9mos ago: She decided she didn’t love you anymore, chose to “e-cheat” (as though the e- somehow makes it less of a betrayal), and wants to end it. She needs to be shown the door. Actions have consequences, and you don’t get to have your cake and eat it too. Stop sleeping with her. You aren’t fucking her so much as you are mind-fucking yourself. Not to mention the fact that lies are like icebergs, there is likely much you don’t know. For your own health, you _must_ assume she is having sex with other men, and you don’t want an STD. That will severely cramp your soon to be bachelor lifestyle. And… for everyone’s sake, you don’t want a pregnancy. Financially, you will survive. It’s scary at first, and you’ll have to change your lifestyle, but you will survive. Remember that you’re not the only one out there flying solo. It can be done. Being “best friends” is not necessarily a good thing. Being amicable is. And remember, a best friend is supposed to be loyal. You may want to re-evaluate your definition of what a best friend is. It sucks and it hurts, and there is no good way to console someone going through this. The best that I can offer is to say that it doesn’t last forever, and life gets better. How long it lasts is really up to you, the sooner you let go, the sooner you heal. I moved 700 miles away and started with a clean slate. That has helped tremendously. You should consider going home to CA. A great job isn’t everything. At the end of the day you still have to live in your own skin. ---
**Author:** ![kanicbird](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/k/5f8ce5/32.png) [@kanicbird](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/kanicbird)\ **Post date:** [May 11, 2010, 6:25pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-do-you-let-go-in-a-relationship/538981/26 "2010-05-11T18:25:54Z")
The soul tie has to be split, which only God can do, so if that is your route, ask Him. The only other way is to build a emotional wall between the 2 of you, which is not really a split, but just creating the belief that you are not connected. I’ve been through both types, and a true split will require God and usually I have felt the disconnect. Also just a side note, if you ask God, you may want to ask Him if He will restore the marriage, but if that is not to be then do the split, restoration may have you go through a split anyway. God Bless both of you ---
**Author:** ![OccamsTaser](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/o/3ec8ea/32.png) [@OccamsTaser](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/OccamsTaser)\ **Post date:** [May 11, 2010, 6:34pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-do-you-let-go-in-a-relationship/538981/27 "2010-05-11T18:34:11Z")
> [@black\_rabbit](#): > > Don’t _for a minute_ allow yourself to think that you have to make concessions for _her_ comfort or _her_ desire to avoid shame and embarrassment. She’s the one who wants to leave, so she’s the one who gets to suffer the consequences. > > Do _not_ make any concessions to any demands or requests on her part in advance. I know you love her, and you don’t want to hurt her, but she’s hurting you pretty badly right now, and you have to defend yourself. She’ll survive, and if she’s at all responsible and empathetic, your friendship will remain as intact as it’s destined to be after all’s said and done. > > Again: This is _her_ deal. Make _her_ do the work. And don’t borrow any more trouble - you’re going to suffer enough heartbreak without volunteering to shoulder _her_ burden. BlackRabbit is 100% dead on the money. She doesn’t like life with you; Don’t shelter her from a life without you. Let her experience the consequences of her choices. Not so that she will change her mind and come running back, simply to lessen your own burden. She’s crossed the Rubicon, and you will have enough on your plate as it is. As far as the bitterness you feel goes, you’ll be doing a lot of thinking and reflecting and you’ll work that all out in time. Every day that passes, you’ll think of her less - maybe an imperceptible amount each day, but one day will come where she doesn’t even cross your mind. I think the best “revenge” I can have on my ex, is to live well and be happy. ---
**Author:** ![ThirdOne](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/53a042/32.png) [@ThirdOne](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/ThirdOne)\ **Post date:** [May 11, 2010, 6:56pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-do-you-let-go-in-a-relationship/538981/28 "2010-05-11T18:56:13Z")
Female chiming in here 😃 Let your wife sleep on the couch or your daughter’s room. Red flag flew up when you said You would sleep in your daughter’s room. No, I’m not implying anything, but on the surface, a grown man sleeping in a room with a five year old girl looks quite odd. And believe me when I say, people do weird things when going through divorces. I agree with everyone, you can’t cut ties and move on while still sleeping together and having sex. It is not your responsibility to move out. Go see an attorney right away! This is very important. I speak from experience. Divorced many years ago and have worked for family law attorneys. Each state has different laws, so I don’t know what you may be facing wherever you are (I worked in Calif.). Again, you do not need to be the one moving out. You did not decide to end the marriage, your wife did. Let her take that responsibility, sleep on the couch or your daughter’s room. Your daughter will be better off with you divorced. Staying together for her sake would not be a good idea. Little ones, especially, can tell when something is “wrong” and will sense when two people (esp. parents) are having issues. And, as someone else said, never never never speak ill of your wife to or in the hearing of your children. Hang in there. Once the divorce is pretty much settled, counseling might also help you work through your “loss.” ---
**Author:** ![hajario](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/hajario/32/171_2.png) [@hajario](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/hajario)\ **Post date:** [May 11, 2010, 7:17pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-do-you-let-go-in-a-relationship/538981/29 "2010-05-11T19:17:09Z")
A lot of us seem to have been in similar situations. My ex and I lived in the same house for a couple of months after we decided to split. It was just until she found a reasonable place to live. We had decided that I would get the master bed and she would get the guest room bed. Instead of being harsh about it, I “recommended” that she sleep in the guest room just to make sure that she liked sleeping in that bed or if she would want a new one. **markm** ’s advice to not continue to do stuff together is very good. In those last two months of living together, we kept separate finances and lived separate lives. We did get one good laugh out of that. One of our minor relationship issues, that had nothing to do with the breakup, was that she spent more than I. One day we both happened to be going to the market at the same time so we drove together. We were both just getting food for dinner that night. It was weird, being in line with our individual shopping carts and paying for our own food. Her bill was around $25 and mine was $6. We had some fun over the fact that we wouldn’t have to worry about that shit anymore. ---
**Author:** ![Eonwe](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/eonwe/32/240_2.png) [@Eonwe](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Eonwe)\ **Post date:** [May 11, 2010, 7:26pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-do-you-let-go-in-a-relationship/538981/30 "2010-05-11T19:26:26Z")
I agree with most everyone else. Of course, that is often easier said than done. You need to act like the relationship is over, even if it’s hard to feel that way. > [@ThirdOne](#): > > Red flag flew up when you said You would sleep in your daughter’s room. No, I’m not implying anything, but on the surface, a grown man sleeping in a room with a five year old girl looks quite odd. And believe me when I say, people do weird things when going through divorces. For real? That comment is 100% uncalled for. ---
**Author:** ![Asimovian](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/asimovian/32/172_2.png) [@Asimovian](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Asimovian)\ **Post date:** [May 11, 2010, 8:05pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-do-you-let-go-in-a-relationship/538981/31 "2010-05-11T20:05:28Z")
> [@Eonwe](#): > > For real? That comment is 100% uncalled for. I have concern that you took that comment in a way it wasn’t meant. While I certainly hope his wife doesn’t become sleazy enough to start making those kinds of accusations, once you’ve learned you can’t trust someone anymore, I don’t see anything wrong with exercising an abundance of caution. That being said, I’m pretty sure **Tristan** said he’d occupy the room AFTER his daughter was gone, not while she was there. ---
**Author:** ![Ferret\_Herder](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/f/e47774/32.png) [@Ferret\_Herder](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ferret_Herder)\ **Post date:** [May 11, 2010, 8:21pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-do-you-let-go-in-a-relationship/538981/32 "2010-05-11T20:21:39Z")
And since she’s from the first marriage I’m assuming she’s not the 5-year-old but actually a college-age girl who’s moving out. ---
**Author:** ![breaking-reality](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/a8b319/32.png) [@breaking-reality](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/breaking-reality)\ **Post date:** [May 11, 2010, 8:42pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-do-you-let-go-in-a-relationship/538981/33 "2010-05-11T20:42:19Z")
> [@Alice\_The\_Goon](#): > > Clue- you’re not supposed to be able to let go of your wife, while you’re still living in the same house and sleeping in the same bed. I’d tell your wife that she can’t have it both ways- if she wants the marriage to be over, she needs to leave. I agree with this advice. I was in a similar situation with my ex-husband (but thankfully we didn’t have any kids). Even after telling him to leave the house, it took months before I felt ok letting go of the relationship. Part of me hoped he would come around and realize what he’d done to our relationship and want to fix it, but he didn’t, so I separated myself physically from him, and the rest followed. It’s a very hard and painful thing to go through, especially when you don’t have lots of family and friends close to you. But if the marriage really is over, you need to not be sleeping the same bed, and certainly not being friends ‘with benefits’. ---
**Author:** ![Eonwe](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/eonwe/32/240_2.png) [@Eonwe](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Eonwe)\ **Post date:** [May 11, 2010, 8:45pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-do-you-let-go-in-a-relationship/538981/34 "2010-05-11T20:45:46Z")
> [@Asimovian](#): > > I have concern that you took that comment in a way it wasn’t meant. While I certainly hope his wife doesn’t become sleazy enough to start making those kinds of accusations, once you’ve learned you can’t trust someone anymore, I don’t see anything wrong with exercising an abundance of caution. > > That being said, I’m pretty sure **Tristan** said he’d occupy the room AFTER his daughter was gone, not while she was there. Ah, if that’s the case than I apologize to **ThirdOne** for jumping the gun. I read it as implying that the divorce would drive him to behave in an untoward fashion towards his daughter. Your reading is much more reasonable. ---
**Author:** ![OccamsTaser](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/o/3ec8ea/32.png) [@OccamsTaser](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/OccamsTaser)\ **Post date:** [May 11, 2010, 8:56pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-do-you-let-go-in-a-relationship/538981/35 "2010-05-11T20:56:35Z")
My wife and I stayed in the same house for about three months from the time she said she wanted things to be over with, for financial reasons. A part of me was in denial about the whole thing, so I was happy to still have here there, thinking that maybe she’d change her mind. We both agreed to be civil. I slept in the guest room, and we led separate lives. The house became a pressure cooker, and the most innocent, mundane interactions quickly turned into the blame game and covered every single wrong and transgression from the moment we met to the present. It was miserable. Eventually, she began sleeping elsewhere, and we only saw each other once or twice a week when she stopped by for clothes or something she needed. I tried to not be around when she did so. I had absolutely zero desire and attraction to her, was very hurt, and the last thing on my mind was having sex with her (and surprisingly, to me, with anyone else). I sympathize though, with not wanting to let go. It’s very understandable. I think you’re just prolonging your own agony. All easier said than done, of course. ---
**Author:** ![purplehorseshoe](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/purplehorseshoe/32/2996_2.png) [@purplehorseshoe](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/purplehorseshoe)\ **Post date:** [May 11, 2010, 10:31pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-do-you-let-go-in-a-relationship/538981/36 "2010-05-11T22:31:18Z")
Anyone else reading this thead picturing a Band-Aid removal? (Hint: which way hurts more?) * * * Actually, **Tristan** , on second thought: every time you sleep with her, it’s like sticking that Band-Aid _back_ on. Then you have to re-do all the pain you’ve already been through, again. And again. Wake her ass up, and kick her out of bed. She’s kicking you out of her life, isn’t she? And about a zillion +1s to the idea of assuming she’s been sleeping with others, and taking the appropriate precautions. Look, if she isn’t now, **she will be**. Harsh, I know, but there it is. ---
**Author:** ![Inigo\_Montoya](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/inigo_montoya/32/124_2.png) [@Inigo\_Montoya](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Inigo_Montoya)\ **Post date:** [May 11, 2010, 11:09pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-do-you-let-go-in-a-relationship/538981/37 "2010-05-11T23:09:02Z")
Damn, Tristan. I’d give you a hug but, you know, that’d be the gay. Here’s a beer. It’s been said already in this thread and others: Distance, days and dating (tripple D makes everything better, knowhatImean?). Sounds like there’s no room in the budget for 2 residences–fine, she wanted to be near her family, send her to her family. She’s the one who’s done with the marriage, she should be the one to get out. Kick. Her. Out. But do things in the right order: 1. Get a lawyer ('cause I’d bet she’s already got one) and line up your ducks. 2. When you have your plan, evict her. 3. Focus on the babies, and get child support from her if it’s in the cards. 4. Don’t let her near your wang no more! You don’t know who else has been poking around in there, and it’s not helping you get over her. ---
**Author:** ![Cat\_Whisperer](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/cat_whisperer/32/4839_2.png) [@Cat\_Whisperer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Cat_Whisperer)\ **Post date:** [May 12, 2010, 1:05am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-do-you-let-go-in-a-relationship/538981/38 "2010-05-12T01:05:18Z")
Ah, **Inigo** , you really are a poet. 🙂 ---
**Author:** ![Inigo\_Montoya](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/inigo_montoya/32/124_2.png) [@Inigo\_Montoya](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Inigo_Montoya)\ **Post date:** [May 12, 2010, 12:22pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-do-you-let-go-in-a-relationship/538981/39 "2010-05-12T12:22:08Z")
It’s a gift. ---
**Author:** ![ThirdOne](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/53a042/32.png) [@ThirdOne](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/ThirdOne)\ **Post date:** [May 12, 2010, 8:22pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-do-you-let-go-in-a-relationship/538981/40 "2010-05-12T20:22:00Z")
Yikes, no I was not implying Tristan would do anything untoward. Having worked in family law, I’ve seen people make all kinds of accusations, without reason. When in the process, one wants to keep squeaky clean 😕 and not do anything that could appear … not good, “off,” unusual. Obviously, I don’t know his wife, and I’m not saying she would, however, appearances can be twisted and I would not want to see that happen. Sorry for the misunderstanding. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-do-you-let-go-in-a-relationship/538981.md?page=1) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-do-you-let-go-in-a-relationship/538981.md?page=3)