# How do you make a new friend as an adult? **URL:** \ **Category:** In My Humble Opinion\ **Created:** [February 19, 2011, 9:08pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-do-you-make-a-new-friend-as-an-adult/571935 "2011-02-19T21:08:31Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 3
**Author:** ![Renee](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/renee/32/287_2.png) [@Renee](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Renee)\ **Post date:** [February 20, 2011, 9:23pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-do-you-make-a-new-friend-as-an-adult/571935/41 "2011-02-20T21:23:28Z")
> [@Superhal](#): > > I think most Americans I know would share this sentiment, which is why I think Americans are some of the loneliest people on the planet. This is a strange statement. Most people spend as much time interacting with other people as they want to. I’m fairly introverted and like a lot of time to myself, so the limited time in which I can muster the energy to be social I want to spend with people I love, not just sort-of like. This does not make me lonely, honestly. I can’t remember the last time I felt lonely. I think you’re projecting a lot in this thread. You seem to believe that everyone has the same social experiences that you have, and it isn’t true. ---
**Author:** ![Superhal](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/b4bc9f/32.png) [@Superhal](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Superhal)\ **Post date:** [February 20, 2011, 9:28pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-do-you-make-a-new-friend-as-an-adult/571935/42 "2011-02-20T21:28:54Z")
> [@Renee](#): > > This is a strange statement. Most people spend as much time interacting with other people as they want to. I’m fairly introverted and like a lot of time to myself, so the limited time in which I can muster the energy to be social I want to spend with people I love, not just sort-of like. This does not make me lonely, honestly. I can’t remember the last time I felt lonely. I think you’re projecting a lot in this thread. You seem to believe that everyone has the same social experiences that you have, and it isn’t true. No. I read a book that reflected my personal experiences. I’m seeing if the book generalities are true, and they are true for me. So, I’m wondering how people (of all cultures) make “good friends” rather than hundreds or thousands of casual friends. ---
**Author:** ![Lamia](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/8e7dd6/32.png) [@Lamia](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Lamia)\ **Post date:** [February 20, 2011, 11:31pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-do-you-make-a-new-friend-as-an-adult/571935/43 "2011-02-20T23:31:25Z")
> [@Freudian\_Slit](#): > > You really think most Americans aren’t making friends at college? > [@Superhal](#): > > Not best friends. Your claims here are at odds with not only my experience, but that of most of the people I know. Most of my close friends are people I met in college. (The chief exception is a woman who’s been my friend since elementary school.) I’m in touch with my high school friends only via Facebook, and we rarely even post on each others’ walls. > [@Superhal](#): > > No. I read a book that reflected my personal experiences. I’m seeing if the book generalities are true, and they are true for me. What is this book? ---
**Author:** ![flatlined](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/f/eb9ed0/32.png) [@flatlined](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/flatlined)\ **Post date:** [February 20, 2011, 11:31pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-do-you-make-a-new-friend-as-an-adult/571935/44 "2011-02-20T23:31:26Z")
> [@Renee](#): > > We generally stay in one place about 3-4 years. We were in Okinawa 4 years, and expect to be in Maine about the same. > > I’ve never lived on a military base, so I’m not sure what you mean by a rescue group, but so far whenever we’ve moved more people want to be friends with me than I can deal with. The military, if anything, is overzealous about “family support”. I think it’s actually easier to make friends when you’re moving a lot, because it makes you interesting. Everyone we meet here wants to know about our travels; it gives you something fun to talk about. Oh, gosh. I now have a ton of questions now. I don’t want to hijack this thread, though. As to rescue groups, I am assuming that base housing would have a problem with feral cats. I’m a semi-professional cat wrangler, so would join any group who was trying to help. Animal rescue peope are nutz, but they are my kind of nutz 🆒 ---
**Author:** ![flatlined](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/f/eb9ed0/32.png) [@flatlined](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/flatlined)\ **Post date:** [February 20, 2011, 11:42pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-do-you-make-a-new-friend-as-an-adult/571935/45 "2011-02-20T23:42:10Z")
[quote=“Superhal, post:39, topic:571935”] I have noticed that making friends requires a lot of energy: preparing dinners or outings, getting a group together, being a host/hostess, buying things, etc. Generosity is nice but in the long run can’t last. I think in terms of cost, making new friends is a very expensive proposition that inherently causes fewer friendships. [QUOTE] This confuses me. I mean, yes, I do enjoy having my friends over, but they have me over as well. I don’t think I’ve ever bought a friend by being generous. We are friends because we enjoy each other’s company, not because he or she picks up the tab at lunch. ---
**Author:** ![Renee](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/renee/32/287_2.png) [@Renee](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Renee)\ **Post date:** [February 20, 2011, 11:42pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-do-you-make-a-new-friend-as-an-adult/571935/46 "2011-02-20T23:42:21Z")
> [@flatlined](#): > > Oh, gosh. I now have a ton of questions now. I don’t want to hijack this thread, though. As to rescue groups, I am assuming that base housing would have a problem with feral cats. I’m a semi-professional cat wrangler, so would join any group who was trying to help. Animal rescue peope are nutz, but they are my kind of nutz 🆒 Oh! I totally thought you were talking about some sort of “rescue you from friendlessness” thing. Ha. Why don’t you e-mail me and I’ll tell you all about my (extensive) experiences rescuing animals as a military wife. 😃 ---
**Author:** ![causticsubstance](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/ba8739/32.png) [@causticsubstance](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/causticsubstance)\ **Post date:** [February 21, 2011, 12:31am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-do-you-make-a-new-friend-as-an-adult/571935/47 "2011-02-21T00:31:05Z")
I moved to a new city knowing virtually no one here and I am still trying to figure out how to make friends. It’s so frustrating for me to hear “Just go up and talk to someone!” and have them imply that it’s super easy to make friends and it’s my fault for not approaching strangers. I don’t think people like being approached by strangers. And even if they did, I agree with the OP, it’s still hard to make friends that way. Even if you shared common interests, you’d have to\* really\* hit it off in order to comfortably ask for that person’s phone number. And then to call them out of the blue and have them take time to meet up with someone who is still practically a stranger and put themselves through a potentially awkward encounter. I talk to people. I meet them at parties. Conversations are decent enough to find common interests, but it takes time to really get to know people and have deeply engaging conversations. So, there’s no follow-through. We think to ourselves “gee, seems like a nice person” but we both assume the other has other people in their lives and other things to do and to meet up with them again, would be an awkward continuation of the small talk. I had assumed this a universal convention and not just a U.S. thing though. Went to Ireland for a semester and it seemed to be the same way then too. It seems to me that the best way to make friends is at places where you’re forced to spend a lot of time with each other and interact with them, like school, work, etc. Where no one has to initiate a “I hardly know you… wanna hang out?” conversation. Or through friends of friends. But, like I said, I know virtually no one in this city, so I don’t really have a base upon which to expand. If anyone has good strategies on how to make friends, I’d be glad to hear it. Right now, I’ve experimented with asking people to join me for coffee, etc. knowing full well it wasn’t socially graceful. So far, it’s only worked on men who secretly wanted to date me. ---
**Author:** ![msmith537](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/d9b06d/32.png) [@msmith537](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/msmith537)\ **Post date:** [February 21, 2011, 12:33am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-do-you-make-a-new-friend-as-an-adult/571935/48 "2011-02-21T00:33:18Z")
> [@Superhal](#): > > Not best friends. Actually my college friends are some of my oldest and best friends I still actually keep in contact with. > [@Superhal](#): > > I’d say in terms of casual relationships, the average american may have thousands at any given moment. But, with how many of those would you discuss an embarrassing health condition with a strong social stigma, e.g. AIDS? > > The rule of thumb my friends use: your strongest friends are the ones who would help you, no questions asked, in the middle of the night, regardless of what they are doing. Or, they are the ones who would prevent you from doing something stupid, regardless of the cost on the friendship. My friends have traditionally been the ones who help me do that stupid thing.😃 As a 38 year old adult, I’m not really expecting ANYONE to be calling me in the middle of the night with their crazy drama. And really I think that is an unrealistically high standard to consider someone a “friend”. Really, a “friend” is just someone who you enjoy spending some time with, demonstrates some level of trust, and doesn’t act like too much of a jerk (or you are willing to put up with them when they do). Here’s the deal. People become “friends” with the people who they are thrown together with in close proximity for long periods of time. Your classmates. Fraternity brothers. Coworkers. Sports teams. Army buddies. So on and so forth. They hang out with them. Shoot the shit. Drink a few beers. But as the situation holding them together changes - graduation, their work situation changes, people move away, get married and have kids - the friendship will drift apart. Oh sure they’re still “friends” in a Facebook wall post “nice to see you every 5 years” sort of way. But over time, they become less relevant as true friends and more of a nostalgic reminder of a previous time in their life. ---
**Author:** ![Wandering\_Hero](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/w/ebca7d/32.png) [@Wandering\_Hero](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Wandering_Hero)\ **Post date:** [February 21, 2011, 12:45am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-do-you-make-a-new-friend-as-an-adult/571935/49 "2011-02-21T00:45:04Z")
Join a club of something your intrested (I’m in a roleplaying games club, it helped. Anime clubs, Drama clubs, etc work to). Go out with friends more social than you are, you can make friends of their friends. Otherwise I don’t know… ---
**Author:** ![msmith537](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/d9b06d/32.png) [@msmith537](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/msmith537)\ **Post date:** [February 21, 2011, 12:46am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-do-you-make-a-new-friend-as-an-adult/571935/50 "2011-02-21T00:46:09Z")
> [@causticsubstance](#): > > I moved to a new city knowing virtually no one here and I am still trying to figure out how to make friends… > > And even if they did, I agree with the OP, it’s still hard to make friends that way. Even if you shared common interests, you’d have to\* really\* hit it off in order to comfortably ask for that person’s phone number. And then to call them out of the blue and have them take time to meet up with someone who is still practically a stranger and put themselves through a potentially awkward encounter. > > …It seems to me that the best way to make friends is at places where you’re forced to spend a lot of time with each other and interact with them, like school, work, etc. Where no one has to initiate a “I hardly know you… wanna hang out?” conversation. Or through friends of friends. But, like I said, I know virtually no one in this city, so I don’t really have a base upon which to expand. > > If anyone has good strategies on how to make friends, I’d be glad to hear it. First, watch the Paul Rudd movie “I Love You Man.” It’s basically a bromantic comedy about a guy who doesn’t have any real friends simply because he had always focused too much on his girlfriends and never made an effort. Some of the lessons are: 1. Make an effort to get to know the people who are already in your world. Rudd’s character was in a fencing club. His fiance’s girlfriend’s husbands met regularly for drinks and poker. His younger brother was a personal trainer. And yet he never made much effort to get to know these people. Although as in the movie, you won’t be compatable friends with all of them. 2. Put yourself out there. Be open to meeting people by strking up casual conversations. And if it goes well, make an effort to get together with them. 3. Man-dates should be drinks or casual lunch. No dinners or movies. You aren’t taking these guys to see The Devil Wears Prada. 4. It is actually very difficult to find the type of close friendship the two main characters develop in the film. Be patient. ---
**Author:** ![flatlined](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/f/eb9ed0/32.png) [@flatlined](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/flatlined)\ **Post date:** [February 21, 2011, 12:48am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-do-you-make-a-new-friend-as-an-adult/571935/51 "2011-02-21T00:48:11Z")
> [@Renee](#): > > Oh! I totally thought you were talking about some sort of “rescue you from friendlessness” thing. Ha. > > Why don’t you e-mail me and I’ll tell you all about my (extensive) experiences rescuing animals as a military wife. 😃 Thank you SO much! Done and done 🙂 **Superhal** , I think you are now watching an example of how adults find friends. **Renee** and I will probably never get to 90 on the scale, but life is strange. You never know. To recap, 2 strangers met while discussing something else. During the chat, they learned that they had things in common. ( **Lamia** had a good point. In my experience most people are very happy to offer up advice and help.) While the strangers were chatting about things in common, one of them asked for advice and the other one offered to help. All friendships involve some give and take. ---
**Author:** ![Freudian\_Slit](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/f/5daacb/32.png) [@Freudian\_Slit](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Freudian_Slit)\ **Post date:** [February 21, 2011, 3:43am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-do-you-make-a-new-friend-as-an-adult/571935/52 "2011-02-21T03:43:04Z")
> [@Lamia](#): > > Your claims here are at odds with not only my experience, but that of most of the people I know. Most of my close friends are people I met in college. (The chief exception is a woman who’s been my friend since elementary school.) I’m in touch with my high school friends only via Facebook, and we rarely even post on each others’ walls. Yeah…that’s the experience I’ve had. That most people are more attached to their college friends. I’ve drifted from a lot of mine but the ones who I’m still in touch with I’m pretty close to. ---
**Author:** ![kenobi\_65](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/kenobi_65/32/13178_2.png) [@kenobi\_65](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/kenobi_65)\ **Post date:** [February 21, 2011, 7:17am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-do-you-make-a-new-friend-as-an-adult/571935/53 "2011-02-21T07:17:03Z")
> [@Lamia](#): > > Your claims here are at odds with not only my experience, but that of most of the people I know. Most of my close friends are people I met in college. (The chief exception is a woman who’s been my friend since elementary school.) I’m in touch with my high school friends only via Facebook, and we rarely even post on each others’ walls. That’s my experience, as well, but I note that two of my wife’s best friends are women whom she met in grade school or high school. The difference between the two of us? We live about 5 miles from where she grew up, and her childhood / high school friends also stayed in the area. I, on the other hand, grew up 200 miles from here. **Superhal** , do you live in the same town where you went to high school? ---
**Author:** ![Sleeps\_With\_Butterflies](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/bb73d2/32.png) [@Sleeps\_With\_Butterflies](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Sleeps_With_Butterflies)\ **Post date:** [February 21, 2011, 7:46am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-do-you-make-a-new-friend-as-an-adult/571935/54 "2011-02-21T07:46:51Z")
I mostly meet new friends through friends of friends. Also, I find people who have similar interests and things develop from there. For instance, a few years ago I started with a new hair stylist. After a few appointments we were chatting a lot and having fun and she asked me if I wanted to go have lunch with her and another stylist. I was her last appointment before lunch so I went. We had fun and the next time I made an appointment we exchanged phone numbers. She’s a great friend now and I’ve met several of her friends and now hang out with them, too. My best friend is someone I met when we were three. I’ve introduced her to some of my friends and she has introduced me to some of hers. I’ve found some fun people that way as well. ---
**Author:** ![msmith537](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/d9b06d/32.png) [@msmith537](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/msmith537)\ **Post date:** [February 21, 2011, 7:33pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-do-you-make-a-new-friend-as-an-adult/571935/55 "2011-02-21T19:33:17Z")
> [@Superhal](#): > > The rule of thumb my friends use: your strongest friends are the ones who would help you, no questions asked, in the middle of the night, regardless of what they are doing. Or, they are the ones who would prevent you from doing something stupid, regardless of the cost on the friendship. Do you guys ever test that theory? How many 2am calls do you think your friends will tolerate? Part of a good friendship is having good boundaries and respecting them. ---
**Author:** ![Stranger\_On\_A\_Train](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/13edae/32.png) [@Stranger\_On\_A\_Train](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Stranger_On_A_Train)\ **Post date:** [February 21, 2011, 8:10pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-do-you-make-a-new-friend-as-an-adult/571935/56 "2011-02-21T20:10:53Z")
I generally start up a conversation about the flat-shooting trajectory of the .270 Rem versus the .308 Rem and its advantages in long range sniping, why the Titan IVB was a superior space launch vehicle in comparison to these new-fangled and unproven EELVs, or why _Die Hard_ is the best Christmas movie ever made, bar none. Needless to say, most of my friends are either engineers, military, or law enforcement. Stranger ---
**Author:** ![Superhal](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/b4bc9f/32.png) [@Superhal](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Superhal)\ **Post date:** [February 21, 2011, 9:26pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-do-you-make-a-new-friend-as-an-adult/571935/57 "2011-02-21T21:26:09Z")
> [@msmith537](#): > > Do you guys ever test that theory? How many 2am calls do you think your friends will tolerate? > > Part of a good friendship is having good boundaries and respecting them. If you can’t, then they wouldn’t be on the 100 side of the scale. Another test: who would you give a kidney too? Who would give one to you? For my 100 friend, I would never ask him to give me his kidney, but I know he would if I did. I quizzed my wife about it, and she’s on the “100 side is nuclear family only, friends are 80 or lower” school of thought. Then, she suddenly realized that she only had 1 friend who was even an 80. I said that she’s lucky she has a close relationship with her family, but I’m lucky to have a 100 friend in the world. ---
**Author:** ![Freudian\_Slit](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/f/5daacb/32.png) [@Freudian\_Slit](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Freudian_Slit)\ **Post date:** [February 21, 2011, 9:31pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-do-you-make-a-new-friend-as-an-adult/571935/58 "2011-02-21T21:31:48Z")
Maybe you just have a different idea of friend, then. Or your standards are so high that only people who have known you that long will meet it. I don’t think I’d need to be able to call someone at 2 am to consider them a good friend, for example. ---
**Author:** ![bump](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/7c8e57/32.png) [@bump](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/bump)\ **Post date:** [February 21, 2011, 9:48pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-do-you-make-a-new-friend-as-an-adult/571935/59 "2011-02-21T21:48:24Z")
My experience is almost 180 degrees off from your theory. My current close friends break down like this: High school: 1 College: 4 Post college: 15 or so. Of those 15, at least 4 of them are relatively recent- husbands of my wife’s friends who I’ve since become closer to than my wife is to her original friend. And those guys have made friends with my friends as well- two in particular are inseparable and even went into business together. Another 3 or 4 are people I haven’t even met in real life, but who are friends of that high school buddy of mine, and we all play D&D with via Skype and Fantasy Grounds. ---
**Author:** ![Superhal](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/b4bc9f/32.png) [@Superhal](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Superhal)\ **Post date:** [February 21, 2011, 9:52pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-do-you-make-a-new-friend-as-an-adult/571935/60 "2011-02-21T21:52:20Z")
> [@bump](#): > > My experience is almost 180 degrees off from your theory. Part of what I’m trying to find out is if American definitions of “close friend” is actually “casual friend” to someone from another culture. I think your online friends who you’ve never met would be a perfect example. My wife’s definition of “close friend”: someone you could talk about highly sensitive secrets with. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-do-you-make-a-new-friend-as-an-adult/571935.md?page=2) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-do-you-make-a-new-friend-as-an-adult/571935.md?page=4)