# How do you refer to your spouse when talking to your children? **URL:** \ **Category:** In My Humble Opinion\ **Created:** [April 28, 2017, 4:52pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-do-you-refer-to-your-spouse-when-talking-to-your-children/785448 "2017-04-28T16:52:14Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 1
**Author:** ![CurtC](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/ce73a5/32.png) [@CurtC](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/CurtC)\ **Post date:** [April 28, 2017, 4:52pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-do-you-refer-to-your-spouse-when-talking-to-your-children/785448/1 "2017-04-28T16:52:14Z")
Many years ago when I met my wife’s parents, I would notice when her mom was talking to my wife and referred to the father, she would call him “daddy.” This struck me as a little weird. Several years later we had our own kids, and my wife refers to me as “dad” when talking to them. I mentioned long ago that I thought it was kinda strange, but now that the kids are grown (16 and 20), she’s still doing it, and I asked her to stop because I find it creepy when my wife calls me “dad.” She thinks my request is weird, that it’s perfectly normal and standard for a parent to use the family reference from the kid’s POV when talking to the kids. This is not at all how I grew up, so seems abnormal to me. In my view, people ALWAYS use a family reference from their own POV. If I’m talking to my wife and I say something about “dad,” I’m talking about MY dad, not hers. I don’t see why it would be any different if the people I’m talking to are my kids. How did you grow up doing it? And are you doing it the same way with your kids? ---
**Author:** ![Iggy](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/iggy/32/3364_2.png) [@Iggy](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Iggy)\ **Post date:** [April 28, 2017, 4:57pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-do-you-refer-to-your-spouse-when-talking-to-your-children/785448/2 "2017-04-28T16:57:30Z")
Normally Mrs Iggy is “tu mama” (your mom) when I am referring to her in the third person when speaking to the kiddos. If I am using that "your-mother-would-be-soooo-disappointed parental disciplinary voice then it is “tu madre”(your mother). It is never simply “mama” or “madre” without the possessive pronoun. ---
**Author:** ![Omar\_Little](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/omar_little/32/269_2.png) [@Omar\_Little](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Omar_Little)\ **Post date:** [April 28, 2017, 5:07pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-do-you-refer-to-your-spouse-when-talking-to-your-children/785448/3 "2017-04-28T17:07:22Z")
OP how do you refer to your wife when talking to your kids. Do you use her first name, or sweetie or honey? We use “your mom” or “your dad”. ---
**Author:** ![Slash1972](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/slash1972/32/6461_2.png) [@Slash1972](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Slash1972)\ **Post date:** [April 28, 2017, 5:11pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-do-you-refer-to-your-spouse-when-talking-to-your-children/785448/4 "2017-04-28T17:11:42Z")
It’s my ex-spouse, but I just say “Mommy” like “Mommy said you have a concert tomorrow, what time does it start?” ---
**Author:** ![CurtC](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/ce73a5/32.png) [@CurtC](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/CurtC)\ **Post date:** [April 28, 2017, 5:12pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-do-you-refer-to-your-spouse-when-talking-to-your-children/785448/5 "2017-04-28T17:12:16Z")
> [@Omar\_Little](#): > > We use “your mom” or “your dad”. “Your mom” would be fine with me, and sometimes I do say that. Usually it’s just “Susan.” The possessive makes all the difference, nothing creepy about that to my ears. ---
**Author:** ![Tranquilis](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/tranquilis/32/3639_2.png) [@Tranquilis](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Tranquilis)\ **Post date:** [April 28, 2017, 5:16pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-do-you-refer-to-your-spouse-when-talking-to-your-children/785448/6 "2017-04-28T17:16:11Z")
“Your mother.” ---
**Author:** ![TokyoBayer](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/tokyobayer/32/13989_2.png) [@TokyoBayer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/TokyoBayer)\ **Post date:** [April 28, 2017, 5:21pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-do-you-refer-to-your-spouse-when-talking-to-your-children/785448/7 "2017-04-28T17:21:00Z")
My parents referred to each other as “Dad” and “Mom.” My father has passed away but my mother still says “Dad.” My mother would use “Grandpa” and “Grandma” to talk about her parents. If that’s how you grew up, then that is the norm for you. In both Japanese and Chinese the parents will say that as well. ---
**Author:** ![Alessan](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/alessan/32/465_2.png) [@Alessan](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Alessan)\ **Post date:** [April 28, 2017, 5:22pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-do-you-refer-to-your-spouse-when-talking-to-your-children/785448/8 "2017-04-28T17:22:18Z")
I refer to my wife as “mom”. It’s her title within the context of our immediate family. ---
**Author:** ![MandaJo](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/ac91a4/32.png) [@MandaJo](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/MandaJo)\ **Post date:** [April 28, 2017, 5:33pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-do-you-refer-to-your-spouse-when-talking-to-your-children/785448/9 "2017-04-28T17:33:28Z")
I say “papa” when talking to my son. It’s less common than “Dad” and he’s explained to me that his dad’s name is Papa–when talking to other kids, he says “my dad”. I don’t see any reason to introduce another name. As an additional wrinkle, I ( and everyone else) call my husband using a diminutive of his last name, which would feel really weird to use with my son. I don’t know if my husband calls me “mama” or “your mama” when talking to our son, because they speak a second language to each other that I don’t speak. Now I want to ask him. ---
**Author:** ![Hedda\_Rosa](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/hedda_rosa/32/1204_2.png) [@Hedda\_Rosa](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Hedda_Rosa)\ **Post date:** [April 28, 2017, 5:34pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-do-you-refer-to-your-spouse-when-talking-to-your-children/785448/10 "2017-04-28T17:34:40Z")
I refer to my ex as “Dad” or “Daddy” or “your dad” - which as the previous poster said is both his name and his title within the family. I’m “Mom” or “your mom” and not Mommy so much anymore. I have nieces though who call their father by his first name and yet my sister still will refer to him as “your dad” sometimes (and by his actual name mostly), because that is his role, even if not his name. ---
**Author:** ![kayaker](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/kayaker/32/441_2.png) [@kayaker](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/kayaker)\ **Post date:** [April 28, 2017, 5:37pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-do-you-refer-to-your-spouse-when-talking-to-your-children/785448/11 "2017-04-28T17:37:00Z")
I’m happily divorced. When I mention my gf to my kids, I call her “your new mother”. ---
**Author:** ![Lowdown](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/c57346/32.png) [@Lowdown](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Lowdown)\ **Post date:** [April 28, 2017, 5:57pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-do-you-refer-to-your-spouse-when-talking-to-your-children/785448/12 "2017-04-28T17:57:34Z")
The vast majority of the time it’s “Your Mom”. Sometimes it’s just “Mom”, usually if I’m giving them an order or asking a question. Like, “Go tell Mom that dinner is almost ready.” or “What did Mom say when you asked her?” It’s not like she’s Mom in my mind, but Mom is her name as far as the kids are concerned so I use that. ---
**Author:** ![Omar\_Little](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/omar_little/32/269_2.png) [@Omar\_Little](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Omar_Little)\ **Post date:** [April 28, 2017, 6:20pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-do-you-refer-to-your-spouse-when-talking-to-your-children/785448/13 "2017-04-28T18:20:10Z")
**CurtC** does your wife call you “Daddy” even when the kids aren’t around? ---
**Author:** ![Gatopescado](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/gatopescado/32/5711_2.png) [@Gatopescado](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Gatopescado)\ **Post date:** [April 28, 2017, 6:34pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-do-you-refer-to-your-spouse-when-talking-to-your-children/785448/14 "2017-04-28T18:34:06Z")
This isn’t The Pit, so… ---
**Author:** ![jtur88](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/j/e9c0ed/32.png) [@jtur88](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/jtur88)\ **Post date:** [April 28, 2017, 6:45pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-do-you-refer-to-your-spouse-when-talking-to-your-children/785448/15 "2017-04-28T18:45:52Z")
“The plaintiff”. ---
**Author:** ![DrCube](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/a3d4f5/32.png) [@DrCube](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/DrCube)\ **Post date:** [April 28, 2017, 6:56pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-do-you-refer-to-your-spouse-when-talking-to-your-children/785448/16 "2017-04-28T18:56:11Z")
I’m not just my kid’s dad. To him, my _name_ is “Dad”. So it makes sense to refer to me that way when speaking to him about me. Same with “Mom”. I don’t call her that to her face, usually, unless I’m nominally addressing her, but actually speaking to my kid. As in “Max finished his homework and wants to know if he can have ice cream. Mom, what do you think?” My wife’s grandparents are basically named Nan and Pa, now. They have great grandchildren, grandchildren and (grand)nieces and (grand)nephews who call them that, and they even address each other in those terms. I find it more endearing than creepy, at this point. I did find it weird to call them by those names when I first met them, but they’re basically my family now too. ---
**Author:** ![AngelSoft](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/angelsoft/32/440_2.png) [@AngelSoft](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/AngelSoft)\ **Post date:** [April 28, 2017, 6:56pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-do-you-refer-to-your-spouse-when-talking-to-your-children/785448/17 "2017-04-28T18:56:38Z")
Calling your spouse by how the kids see them isn’t weird at all. I’d find it MUCH weirder if my mom called my dad ‘Mike’ when talking to me about him. It seems so…disconnected. Even with the grandkids they refer to each other as gramma and grampa when talking to them. Even with aunts and uncles, when I talk to my daughter about her aunt or uncle I call them like ‘Aunt Barb is going to get you from school today’. ---
**Author:** ![Qadgop\_the\_Mercotan](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/qadgop_the_mercotan/32/83_2.png) [@Qadgop\_the\_Mercotan](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Qadgop_the_Mercotan)\ **Post date:** [April 28, 2017, 6:58pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-do-you-refer-to-your-spouse-when-talking-to-your-children/785448/18 "2017-04-28T18:58:17Z")
She’s "mom, “your mom”, or “your mother”. But only in reference to the kids. She’s never “mom” when I’m referring to her as regards to me. That’d be weird. ---
**Author:** ![delphica](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/e9a140/32.png) [@delphica](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/delphica)\ **Post date:** [April 28, 2017, 7:05pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-do-you-refer-to-your-spouse-when-talking-to-your-children/785448/19 "2017-04-28T19:05:25Z")
Yeah, I feel like I haven’t found a solution that works 100% for me. Right now, I always say “Daddy” as in “Could you give this mail to Daddy?” But I understand why people don’t care for it, it does have an element, even to me, of “but why am _I_ calling him Daddy? He’s not _my_ Dad.” However, growing up, when my mom would say “your Dad” it was always slightly contentious, like sending a kid to deliver a message (and she wasn’t wrong), so when I was a kid, I would be asked “Could you give this mail to YOUR DAD (that he left all over the counter and I asked him to clear it so I could start dinner but he’s still in the front of the TV)?” Even though it’s not the same situation, for whatever reason the “your Dad” still has a ring of judgment to it, to my ears. I also somehow thought that “give this to Daddy” was fine when my daughter was a toddler, and that I’d figure out something else as she got older … but of course it’s really the opposite – now it seems odder to try to force a change. ---
**Author:** ![snoe](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/43a26b/32.png) [@snoe](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/snoe)\ **Post date:** [April 28, 2017, 7:16pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-do-you-refer-to-your-spouse-when-talking-to-your-children/785448/20 "2017-04-28T19:16:40Z")
I don’t have kids, but I use “your mom” when talking to my niece or nephew about my sister. The problem I run into is with referring to MY mom, their grandmother. Using “my mom” is weird. And “Mom” doesn’t work either. Using “your grandma” also seems weird (maybe because I don’t think of her as a grandma but as a mom?). The kids have a family-specific nickname for her that I use more often than not, but it’s based on a childish mispronunciation of “grandma” so that’s also a bit weird. It is, at least, unambiguous. (It’s also the term my sister uses when speaking to them.) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-do-you-refer-to-your-spouse-when-talking-to-your-children/785448.md?page=2)