# How do you say goodbye to someone who's dying?

**URL:** <https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-do-you-say-goodbye-to-someone-whos-dying/626008>\
**Category:** Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share\
**Created:** [June 23, 2012, 1:37am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-do-you-say-goodbye-to-someone-whos-dying/626008 "2012-06-23T01:37:55Z")\
**Posts on this page:** 2\
**Page:** 4

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**Author:** ![WhyNot](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/w/c77e96/32.png) [@WhyNot](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/WhyNot)\
**Post date:** [July 5, 2012, 2:35pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-do-you-say-goodbye-to-someone-whos-dying/626008/62 "2012-07-05T14:35:08Z")

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> [@oreally](#):
>
> I’ve talked to hospice nurses who see a lot of this - no, it’s actually not common (thank goodness) and no, there isn’t a “spiritual” explanation for it. There’s a simple one in fact: some people’s stupidity is surpassed only by their gross thoughtlessness.

I _am_ a nurse. It’s pretty common.

> [@](#):
>
> No but you DO have control - or SHOULD - on who tf is around at such a time. How insanely selfish for someone to presume they have a “right” to be there if there’s any real question as to whether the person passing wants them there or not.

Yes, this part I completely agree with. If Dangerosa’s husband needs emotional support during his brother’s passing but his brother doesn’t want her there, the best place for her to be is in a nearby room where her husband can come to her as he needs his needs met.

I’d like you to go back and read what I wrote. Simply because something is common (how many times have you heard tell of “rubbernecking” or “gapers’ delay” because of road accidents? Same thing.) and just because something is understandable does NOT mean it should be allowed, encouraged or condoned.

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**Author:** ![Dangerosa](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/22d042/32.png) [@Dangerosa](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Dangerosa)\
**Post date:** [July 5, 2012, 3:51pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-do-you-say-goodbye-to-someone-whos-dying/626008/63 "2012-07-05T15:51:58Z")

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> [@WhyNot](#):
>
> I _am_ a nurse. It’s pretty common.
> 
> Yes, this part I completely agree with. If Dangerosa’s husband needs emotional support during his brother’s passing but his brother doesn’t want her there, the best place for her to be is in a nearby room where her husband can come to her as he needs his needs met.
> 
> I’d like you to go back and read what I wrote. Simply because something is common (how many times have you heard tell of “rubbernecking” or “gapers’ delay” because of road accidents? Same thing.) and just because something is understandable does NOT mean it should be allowed, encouraged or condoned.

The thing here is that in the cases of deathbeds I’ve attended, the person dying really isn’t in a position to communicate “you, but not you.”. Unless you’ve made pretty extensive plans for the moment of your death, people are going to need to wing it. Since I haven’t been at one yet where the person had been responsive for several hours (and often days). I think you guys have a point, if my brother in law hated me, I wouldnt have been in the room… But that wasn’t the issue, nor is it the issue I’m getting at. The issue I’m getting at is that this is an intimate thing, but it’s outside your control and touches people other than you (at least, I hope it does).

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