# How do you stay faithful? **URL:** \ **Category:** Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share\ **Created:** [July 1, 2003, 1:26pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-do-you-stay-faithful/185567 "2003-07-01T13:26:00Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 2
**Author:** ![garius](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/g/e19b73/32.png) [@garius](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/garius)\ **Post date:** [July 1, 2003, 2:26pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-do-you-stay-faithful/185567/21 "2003-07-01T14:26:25Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by enipla \* > Infidelity in marriage is like strangling kittens. You just don’t do it. **Drops the kitten guiltily** What??? I was just cuddling it! Honest! why are you all looking at me like that?! ---
**Author:** ![XJETGIRLX](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/x/9fc29f/32.png) [@XJETGIRLX](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/XJETGIRLX)\ **Post date:** [July 1, 2003, 2:27pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-do-you-stay-faithful/185567/22 "2003-07-01T14:27:37Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by dropzone \* > Yes, I have been Mr Romantic lately. That’s never really been the problem as much as the thoughts and temptations. Being raised old-school Catholic, where entertaining the thought was nearly as big a sin as actually doing it, hasn’t helped. :😁: Yeah, that’ll do it every time. I dunno, most of my family are recovering Catholics, so I’m not sure if the advice I have to give will actually be of any benefit, but the way I see it, we’re all sinners, but for the Grace of God. The important thing is that you never let those thoughts drag you down. You’re going to have them, we all will. And if you want to look at this from a religious angle, there will always be temptation. But the trick is do you acknowledge that temptation for what it is, exposing it to the light of day, and asking God to help you turn the negative into a positive, or do you try to ignore it and hide it away, where it can do nothing but fester and rot you from the inside out, ever so slowly? Maybe you coud figure out some Pavlovian training that would help you associate that feeling of arousal more with thoughts of your wife? The way I see it, there’s no need to feel guilty about the feeling of arousal itself, as long as you don’t attach the emotional aspects of it to anyone but your wife. And I really appreciate that you’ve thought about the tattoo thing even after the fact. That’s really sweet ::g:: ---
**Author:** ![sweet\_contradiction](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/7ea924/32.png) [@sweet\_contradiction](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/sweet_contradiction)\ **Post date:** [July 1, 2003, 2:35pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-do-you-stay-faithful/185567/23 "2003-07-01T14:35:26Z")
drop zone… i was just messin with ya. Honestly, I was married for 20 years (divorced for five now)…and I never ever cheated once! I was 16 when I got married and he was my one and only. I thought about it and wanted to a few times…but, I couldn’t. I couldn’t because I always thought about how I would feel if he did that to me. And, being very possesive about my family… it would of really hurt me. I wouldn’t EVER want to hurt anyone like that…so, that is what stopped me from ever following through with those urges. (damn I hate that Catholic Guilt thingy) _innocent smile_ ---
**Author:** ![dropzone](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/dropzone/32/7515_2.png) [@dropzone](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/dropzone)\ **Post date:** [July 1, 2003, 2:37pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-do-you-stay-faithful/185567/24 "2003-07-01T14:37:29Z")
The fact that I love my wife has, perhaps surprisingly, little to do with this discussion because my association of sex with love is not as strong as my association of sex with death. Or sex with food, for that matter. Or death with food. But I did allow myself to become infatuated with another woman once. Not requited, of course, but the conflicting emotions started me into a spin from which it took me years to recover. Now I run screaming from the slightest possibility that I could interpret something as temptation. ---
**Author:** ![lieu](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/c2a13f/32.png) [@lieu](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/lieu)\ **Post date:** [July 1, 2003, 2:42pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-do-you-stay-faithful/185567/25 "2003-07-01T14:42:16Z")
No doubt there’s some beautiful, desirable, wonderful wimmins out there and boy howdy, I do love wimmins. But I do love one above all else and would never endanger the pact we’ve made with each other, nor risk tragically altering the safe and nurturing environment we’ve made for our child. I can still appreciate the beauty of a fine painting without wanting to hang it on my mantle. I can still read a fascinating novel without needing to take it home to my library. I think if anything getting married allowed me to get to know female acquaintances better since the whole sexual tension thing is no longer an issue. ---
**Author:** ![dropzone](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/dropzone/32/7515_2.png) [@dropzone](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/dropzone)\ **Post date:** [July 1, 2003, 2:50pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-do-you-stay-faithful/185567/26 "2003-07-01T14:50:07Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by lieu \* > \*\*I think if anything getting married allowed me to get to know female acquaintances better since the whole sexual tension thing is no longer an issue. \*\* Oh, jeeze, that’s what I love about lesbians! I can hang out with women, which I prefer, and there’s none of that nasty sexual tension to get in the way. ---
**Author:** ![UrbanChic](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/u/9dc877/32.png) [@UrbanChic](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/UrbanChic)\ **Post date:** [July 1, 2003, 2:52pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-do-you-stay-faithful/185567/27 "2003-07-01T14:52:17Z")
So, tell us, lieu. Where, exactly, are you keeping your balls these days? [sub]I don’t have insert a smiley, do I? I really hate them. If you don’t know I’m a smartass by now, just call me on it and I’ll explain myself. I really should start a thread about how much I hate smilies someday…[/sub] ---
**Author:** ![lieu](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/c2a13f/32.png) [@lieu](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/lieu)\ **Post date:** [July 1, 2003, 3:05pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-do-you-stay-faithful/185567/28 "2003-07-01T15:05:45Z")
Away from the field baby, away from the field. You don’t have insert a smiley. I really hate them. If I didn’t know you’re a smartass by now, I’d just call you on it and you’d explain myself. You really should start a thread about how much you hate smilies someday… ---
**Author:** ![PoorYorick](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/ecccb3/32.png) [@PoorYorick](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/PoorYorick)\ **Post date:** [July 1, 2003, 3:30pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-do-you-stay-faithful/185567/29 "2003-07-01T15:30:13Z")
Good suggestions so far. The trick to fidelity for me is simply not to put myself in a situation where infidelity is easy. I’m not that strong. It’s OK to be infatuated with a co-worker if I don’t act on it. No sly glances, no “accidentally” touching hands, no comments about how especially nice she looks today, no deep dark intimate conversations. The two major commandments: I. Don’t EVER tell someone I’m attacted to about problems between you and your SO (I’m really just preparing the ground when I do this, whether I admit it or not). II. Do not EVER, under any circumstances, drink with someone I’m attacted to. I’ve been faithful in my marriage so far (coming on 10 years), but I’ve screwed up a lot before then. ---
**Author:** ![PoorYorick](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/ecccb3/32.png) [@PoorYorick](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/PoorYorick)\ **Post date:** [July 1, 2003, 3:34pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-do-you-stay-faithful/185567/30 "2003-07-01T15:34:11Z")
[QUOTE] I. Don’t EVER tell someone I’m attacted to about problems between you and your SO . . . [QUOTE] Sorry, “between **me** and **my** SO.” Reads kind of weird, otherwise. Damn first-person POV. ---
**Author:** ![cher3](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/da6949/32.png) [@cher3](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/cher3)\ **Post date:** [July 1, 2003, 5:05pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-do-you-stay-faithful/185567/31 "2003-07-01T17:05:37Z")
I don’t know if this is true for you, or for anybody else, really, but I’ve recently been through a low point, both in my relationship and some other personal areas that I don’t really want to go into. However, I’ve found that improving my health overall has actually made it easier to resist temptations. When I saw the gains I made with some effort in spending time with my husband, diet, and exercise, I found that things that were formerly temptations just simply ceased being all that attractive. The important stuff was more fun and far too important to risk losing. And it starting with doing things that made me like myself better, physically and otherwise. ---
**Author:** ![OpalCat](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/o/8edcca/32.png) [@OpalCat](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/OpalCat)\ **Post date:** [July 1, 2003, 6:09pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-do-you-stay-faithful/185567/32 "2003-07-01T18:09:49Z")
Depends what you mean by faithful. If you mean these definitions: –steadfast in affection or allegiance : LOYAL –firm in adherence to promises or in observance of duty : CONSCIENTIOUS Then it’s pretty simple… however if you mean monogamous, that’s different. Fortunately for me, my affections, allegiances, promises, and duties do not involve monogamy. 🙂 ---
**Author:** ![Sattua](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/sattua/32/11906_2.png) [@Sattua](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Sattua)\ **Post date:** [July 1, 2003, 6:20pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-do-you-stay-faithful/185567/33 "2003-07-01T18:20:37Z")
Develop a healthy dislike for most of the world. Discover yourself unable to desire someone you dislike. Discover yourself unable to desire someone you don’t love. If, after all this, a cosmic coincidence happens and you meet someone you love, do what you have to to make life bearable and make sure that nobody ever, ever finds out. ---
**Author:** ![Coldfire](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/a587f6/32.png) [@Coldfire](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Coldfire)\ **Post date:** [July 1, 2003, 6:21pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-do-you-stay-faithful/185567/34 "2003-07-01T18:21:51Z")
How do I stay faithful? When you look at it, I have ample _opportunity_ to not stay faithful. My girlfriend lives 8,000 miles away from me, and we tend to see each other every three months or so, if we’re lucky. I live in Amsterdam, a city as lively as they come. Anyone who’s been to the Netherlands will back me up when I say we’ve got some _beautiful_ women here. Frankly, I could cheat on her easily without even a small chance of her ever knowing it. And yet, it’s never crossed my mind in the almost 2 years that we’ve been together. This is not the sort of answer you would have gotten from a 20 year old Coldfire, but pretty girls are just that. It’s a rare thing to find true love, and you’re a damn fool if you put it on the line for a night of fun. ---
**Author:** ![dropzone](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/dropzone/32/7515_2.png) [@dropzone](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/dropzone)\ **Post date:** [July 1, 2003, 6:43pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-do-you-stay-faithful/185567/35 "2003-07-01T18:43:02Z")
Well, Coldy, as the saying goes, “There’s no fool like an old fool.” And Sattua, that’s how I make it through most of life–the disliking the world part, that is. Wait…I was going to make a comparison between me and Comic Book Guy except I’m so totally Homer! A guy who means well but who knows there are limits to his will power. Mindy: Well…desserts aren’t always right. Homer: But they’re so sweet! The REAL way I deal with things: I forget about them–flakiness has its advantages. “Out of sight, out of mind.” “Time heals all wounds.” “Give me liberty or give me death.” Um, that didn’t sound right. What was I talking about? And that woman who a few years ago had me so discombobulated? Probably wouldn’t recognize her. Okay, I probably would but I’d pretend I didn’t as I worked my way out of the room. That’s where a reputation for flakiness can be an advantage. ---
**Author:** ![Coldfire](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/a587f6/32.png) [@Coldfire](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Coldfire)\ **Post date:** [July 1, 2003, 6:53pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-do-you-stay-faithful/185567/36 "2003-07-01T18:53:48Z")
I’m not old! I’m 30. And you could have called me Dennis. 😉 ---
**Author:** ![Phlosphr](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/c68b51/32.png) [@Phlosphr](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Phlosphr)\ **Post date:** [July 1, 2003, 7:33pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-do-you-stay-faithful/185567/37 "2003-07-01T19:33:53Z")
**Dropzone** I may have over looked this, but how old are you? I don’t mean to be harsh but how is it that a _man_ such as yourself has so little self control when it ocmes to being faithful? This isn’t a game show you know. saying things like “Well I lean on my flakiness…” means nothing other than you use it as a crutch. STEP UP TO THE PLATE MAN!!! AND STOP WHINING!! ---
**Author:** ![metroshane](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/aeb1de/32.png) [@metroshane](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/metroshane)\ **Post date:** [July 1, 2003, 8:00pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-do-you-stay-faithful/185567/38 "2003-07-01T20:00:15Z")
Admittedly, I haven’t read all of the post…but it’s easy for me. I’m frequently lust after other women…and that’s the gift I give myself for being faithful. But the big issue is there is a lot, a LOT of pride to be had for being a stand up guy. Look at Cary Grant…that’s the kind of guy that doesn’t cheat. Look at the respect you give old couples who have been faithful. That’s the kind of guy that I want to be. I want to lay on my deathbed and be able to say “I was a good husband”. That is worth more than all the “strange” I could ever get. I find it very very easy to be true I find myself alone when each night’s through Yes, I’ll admit I’m a fool for you because you’re mine, I walk the line. ---
**Author:** ![Phlosphr](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/c68b51/32.png) [@Phlosphr](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Phlosphr)\ **Post date:** [July 1, 2003, 8:04pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-do-you-stay-faithful/185567/39 "2003-07-01T20:04:44Z")
**metroshane** - perfectly said. I agree 110%. And I often say to my wife, “Look honey, thats us in 40 years.” Pointing to an elderly couple completely enjoying eachother! ---
**Author:** ![dropzone](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/dropzone/32/7515_2.png) [@dropzone](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/dropzone)\ **Post date:** [July 1, 2003, 8:35pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-do-you-stay-faithful/185567/40 "2003-07-01T20:35:28Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by Phlosphr \* > \*\*but how old are you? \*\* Freshly 49. Depressing that somebody could get to this age and still be so childish, isn’t it?\*\* > [@](#): > > … how is it that a _man_ such as yourself has so little self control when it ocmes to being faithful? \*\* Well, I’ve managed 27 years of marriage, including some very rough stretches, while keeping my dick in my pants. But I still have to deal with temptation and it gets pretty damned powerful. The point of this thread is that I am NOT a mountain of willpower, I have found ways of dealing with it that aren’t all positive, and that I am looking for other tools I can use. I’m NOT an “I wouldn’t because the thought wouldn’t cross my mind” guy, though I admire you here who are. From a life of introspection I have learned that my frailties are many but I have also realized that as many of my strengths as my weaknesses are imaginary. I will warn you, though, of the dangers of overconfidence in the strength of you or your spouse.\*\* > [@](#): > > saying things like “Well I lean on my flakiness…” means nothing other than you use it as a crutch. \*\* I prefer to think of it as a _tool_ to be used when it can be helpful. Which describes a crutch, now that I think about it. It’s always there, though, and has been a negative for half a century. \*\* > [@](#): > > STEP UP TO THE PLATE MAN!!! \*\* No, the “think about baseball” suggestions belong in the premature ejaculation thread down the way. 😉 \*\* > [@](#): > > AND STOP WHINING!! \*\* [whining voice] But I do it so _weeeeeelllllll!_ [/whining voice] [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-do-you-stay-faithful/185567.md?page=1) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-do-you-stay-faithful/185567.md?page=3)