# How do you stop looking scary to people? **URL:** \ **Category:** In My Humble Opinion\ **Created:** [November 16, 2014, 11:44am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-do-you-stop-looking-scary-to-people/704759 "2014-11-16T11:44:56Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 2
**Author:** ![eclectic\_wench](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/ac91a4/32.png) [@eclectic\_wench](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/eclectic_wench)\ **Post date:** [November 16, 2014, 4:23pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-do-you-stop-looking-scary-to-people/704759/21 "2014-11-16T16:23:42Z")
> [@grude](#): > > I want some way of communicating listen I’d put to the knife some psycho obsessed with me, but not you. So get comfortable and promote me office mate! You should totally just say this. I bet it would put everyone right at ease. ---
**Author:** ![Spice\_Weasel](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/spice_weasel/32/5435_2.png) [@Spice\_Weasel](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Spice_Weasel)\ **Post date:** [November 16, 2014, 4:32pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-do-you-stop-looking-scary-to-people/704759/22 "2014-11-16T16:32:09Z")
> [@monstro](#): > > But a few months ago, a coworker informed me that I am super intense and serious and intimidating. She’s a friend and I trust her, but I immediately felt defensive. Moi? _Intense and intimidating?_ But then I thought about it some more and observed myself in interactions at work. Everyone will be laughing at someone’s silly joke in a staff meeting, while I’m busily doodling because I didn’t hear what was said (and it probably looks like I’m literally taking names). Everyone is swapping kids’ stories in the breakroom, while I’m changing the subject so we can talk about work since I don’t have kids, and idle chitchat makes me uncomfortable sometimes. I sometimes “forget” to do the typical girly thing by apologizing before I express a negative or critical opinion, since I think it’s ridiculous that women have to do this all the time. So yeah, I get how I can come across as someone you wouldn’t want to necessarily hang out with. > > But my friend told me that once she got to know me better, she discovered my humorous, “goofy” side underneath all that intensity and severity. Which made me feel relieved. For a minute there, I thought maybe I didn’t know myself at all. I have the feeling if I ever got to know you in person, **monstro** , I would like you a lot. You sound like an introvert, and I think some very extroverted people are put off by introverts, interpreting the lack of engagement as a personal slight. But as a fellow introvert I would feel more at ease around you, not less. (Though I am the type to engage in idle chit-chat, to an extent. I may not be an extrovert but I can relate to them well enough, which is why I get, ‘‘I never would have thought were an introvert’’ a lot.) [QUOTE=grude] STARE…go ahead and try and when I kill you, i’ll fuck your corpse gently. STARE. [/QUOTE] This is creepy as all hell. Probably say less of this kind of thing. Are you also an introvert? I’m theorizing introverts get labeled ‘‘creepy’’ more often than extroverts. This whole idea that if you’re not engaging, you must have something to hide. I dunno. ---
**Author:** ![Boogly](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/f4b2a3/32.png) [@Boogly](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Boogly)\ **Post date:** [November 16, 2014, 5:30pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-do-you-stop-looking-scary-to-people/704759/23 "2014-11-16T17:30:26Z")
> [@grude](#): > > I’m saying that beneath the deception is a violent hatred of even having to TAKE the absurd threats. But I do, and it isn’t fooling many anymore. Having a mindset of something other than a little dog that snarls at anything that could possibly be a threat may be a way to stop giving off a scary demeanor. Thinking of yourself as a feral caveman wearing a human mask that is willing to knife a person probably carries over to how you carry yourself. You’ve felt threatened 2-4 times over the years and you are still this fearful? Walking around with the mindset of stabbing people for events that very rarely happen? There may be issues deeper than how scary you look. I’m not saying don’t be ready and I’m not saying don’t prepare. You have to find enough confidence in yourself that you can handle a situation that arises without the need to think of yourself as…well however you think of yourself. ---
**Author:** ![Doug\_K](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/b5ac83/32.png) [@Doug\_K](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Doug_K)\ **Post date:** [November 16, 2014, 5:53pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-do-you-stop-looking-scary-to-people/704759/24 "2014-11-16T17:53:23Z")
> [@Mr.Nylock](#): > > It is pretty unusual to have a large number of people call you scary. I don’t know anyone personally who is described that way. This is probably something you could change, most communication is nonverbal - probably your body language speaks volumes. I would think a good person who wants to get along in society would want to change this. It’s not unusual. It’s well known enough that there’s a name for it, [bitchy resting face.](http://www.dailymail.co.uk/femail/article-2353937/Why-Bitchy-Resting-Face-IS-real-phenomenon-Experts-reveal-women-DO-look-sad-angry-reason.html), although despite what the author seems to think it’s not just limited to women. ---
**Author:** ![Boogly](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/f4b2a3/32.png) [@Boogly](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Boogly)\ **Post date:** [November 16, 2014, 5:57pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-do-you-stop-looking-scary-to-people/704759/25 "2014-11-16T17:57:11Z")
Youtube link at the end of the article made me laugh. ---
**Author:** ![Ambivalid](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/a5b964/32.png) [@Ambivalid](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ambivalid)\ **Post date:** [November 16, 2014, 6:17pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-do-you-stop-looking-scary-to-people/704759/26 "2014-11-16T18:17:54Z")
Wait, you’re 5’10" and _120 lbs_?! Was that a typo? How in the world would anyone be intimidated by such a slight human being?? ---
**Author:** ![ZipperJJ](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/zipperjj/32/211_2.png) [@ZipperJJ](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/ZipperJJ)\ **Post date:** [November 16, 2014, 6:27pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-do-you-stop-looking-scary-to-people/704759/27 "2014-11-16T18:27:28Z")
> [@Ambivalid](#): > > Wait, you’re 5’10" and _120 lbs_?! Was that a typo? How in the world would anyone be intimidated by such a slight human being?? Someone mentioned it up thread… Scary like a spider. ---
**Author:** ![Chefguy](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/chefguy/32/138_2.png) [@Chefguy](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Chefguy)\ **Post date:** [November 16, 2014, 6:30pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-do-you-stop-looking-scary-to-people/704759/28 "2014-11-16T18:30:35Z")
I’ve had the same problem in the past, so consciously try to look pleasant unless I’ve got my “street face” on. I used to be told that I looked angry, even when I wasn’t. Even at age 67, if I joke with another guy while looking like I’m not joking, I see a startled and wary look come over them. I try not to do that with those that don’t know me very well. Unlike the OP, I’m about 5’11" and 240. But maybe it’s the beard. ---
**Author:** ![gigi](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/g/a587f6/32.png) [@gigi](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/gigi)\ **Post date:** [November 16, 2014, 7:28pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-do-you-stop-looking-scary-to-people/704759/29 "2014-11-16T19:28:35Z")
> [@Chefguy](#): > > I’ve had the same problem in the past, so consciously try to look pleasant unless I’ve got my “street face” on. Same here I have a bitch resting face so around here I smile slightly and look bemused because I will see or be seen by someone I know. In the city I don’t look mean exactly, I just stare at the middle distance and let nothing faze me. ---
**Author:** ![Chefguy](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/chefguy/32/138_2.png) [@Chefguy](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Chefguy)\ **Post date:** [November 16, 2014, 7:55pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-do-you-stop-looking-scary-to-people/704759/30 "2014-11-16T19:55:54Z")
> [@gigi](#): > > Same here I have a bitch resting face so around here I smile slightly and look bemused because I will see or be seen by someone I know. In the city I don’t look mean exactly, I just stare at the middle distance and let nothing faze me. Yeah, the street face and accompanying body language discourages most panhandlers, chatty people on airplanes, and small children. ---
**Author:** ![PlainJain](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/5daacb/32.png) [@PlainJain](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/PlainJain)\ **Post date:** [November 16, 2014, 8:36pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-do-you-stop-looking-scary-to-people/704759/31 "2014-11-16T20:36:15Z")
> [@Scumpup](#): > > This is a stealth brag, no more. All that hooey about civilization and masks tells me you groove on being “scary.” I would guess, though, that you cause fear more in the way of a spider than a lion. I agree with this totally. “I’m really a Casper Milktoast, I can’t imagine how people would think I’m scary. But if I have to drop the mask I’ll fuck your corpse.” There aren’t enough roll eyes in the world. ---
**Author:** ![GusNSpot](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/gusnspot/32/436_2.png) [@GusNSpot](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/GusNSpot)\ **Post date:** [November 16, 2014, 10:00pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-do-you-stop-looking-scary-to-people/704759/32 "2014-11-16T22:00:42Z")
6’4"+ North of 350# Wearing biker disguise? Wearing pilot disguise? Wearing a swim suit? When I’m happy? When I’m sad? When I’m mad? In combat? You are messing with family? Trust more dogs than people? When others are behaving badly? If I just had sex? Just heard a good joke? Ate a bacon sandwich? Motorcycle started first kick? If big & hairy scare you, why should that bother me enough to change my appearance or way of walking ( do you know how hard that is to do on a permanent basis? ). Your fear of flying or lightening or clowns is all that is necessary to require me to totally change myself? Now that is starting to make me look scary… Bawahahaha ---
**Author:** ![Chefguy](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/chefguy/32/138_2.png) [@Chefguy](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Chefguy)\ **Post date:** [November 16, 2014, 10:12pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-do-you-stop-looking-scary-to-people/704759/33 "2014-11-16T22:12:00Z")
> [@GusNSpot](#): > > 6’4"+ > North of 350# > Wearing biker disguise? > Wearing pilot disguise? > Wearing a swim suit? > When I’m happy? > When I’m sad? > When I’m mad? > In combat? > You are messing with family? > Trust more dogs than people? > When others are behaving badly? > If I just had sex? > Just heard a good joke? > Ate a bacon sandwich? > Motorcycle started first kick? > > If big & hairy scare you, why should that bother me enough to change my appearance or way of walking ( do you know how hard that is to do on a permanent basis? ). > Your fear of flying or lightening or clowns is all that is necessary to require me to totally change myself? > Now that is starting to make me look scary… Bawahahaha Start early on the Sunday boozefest? ---
**Author:** ![Ambivalid](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/a5b964/32.png) [@Ambivalid](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ambivalid)\ **Post date:** [November 16, 2014, 10:22pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-do-you-stop-looking-scary-to-people/704759/34 "2014-11-16T22:22:44Z")
> [@GusNSpot](#): > > 6’4"+ > North of 350# > Wearing biker disguise? > Wearing pilot disguise? > Wearing a swim suit? > When I’m happy? > When I’m sad? > When I’m mad? > In combat? > You are messing with family? > Trust more dogs than people? > When others are behaving badly? > If I just had sex? > Just heard a good joke? > Ate a bacon sandwich? > Motorcycle started first kick? > > If big & hairy scare you, why should that bother me enough to change my appearance or way of walking ( do you know how hard that is to do on a permanent basis? ). > Your fear of flying or lightening or clowns is all that is necessary to require me to totally change myself? > Now that is starting to make me look scary… Bawahahaha I rarely understand anything that you say. This is no exception. ---
**Author:** ![Scumpup](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/ce73a5/32.png) [@Scumpup](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Scumpup)\ **Post date:** [November 16, 2014, 10:38pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-do-you-stop-looking-scary-to-people/704759/35 "2014-11-16T22:38:20Z")
It’s easy, really. Whenever the conversation turns to people being intimidating or felling intimidated, or bikers, or big guys, or violence, he pops in with one of these rather opaque…poems?..about what a bad scary guy he is. Or was. Or only sometimes still is. Or something. Since I had stroke and quit drinking, I can’t interpret them as well as I used to. ---
**Author:** ![Aquadementia](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/aquadementia/32/555_2.png) [@Aquadementia](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Aquadementia)\ **Post date:** [November 16, 2014, 10:41pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-do-you-stop-looking-scary-to-people/704759/36 "2014-11-16T22:41:23Z")
The quick fix is to always carry a single large daisy in front of yourself. A daffodil will do fine if you can’t find a daisy. ---
**Author:** ![GrumpyBunny](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/g/bc8723/32.png) [@GrumpyBunny](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/GrumpyBunny)\ **Post date:** [November 16, 2014, 10:59pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-do-you-stop-looking-scary-to-people/704759/37 "2014-11-16T22:59:55Z")
> [@grude](#): > > No as I said I have no interest in threatening or scaring people until they themselves have dropped the civilization mask, once they have and are threatening mine or my loved ones lives or rape as a threat I will drop my human mask as well and answer their threat. > . My ex, Voldemort, had that same kind of attitude. He was also kind of a dick. I’d suggest working on smiling more and demonstrating kindness and interest in others. It’s not good for people to think you’re a dick. ---
**Author:** ![Scumpup](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/ce73a5/32.png) [@Scumpup](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Scumpup)\ **Post date:** [November 16, 2014, 11:17pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-do-you-stop-looking-scary-to-people/704759/38 "2014-11-16T23:17:23Z")
> [@GusNSpot](#): > > 6’4"+ > North of 350# > Wearing biker disguise? > Wearing pilot disguise? > Wearing a swim suit? > When I’m happy? > When I’m sad? > When I’m mad? > In combat? > You are messing with family? > Trust more dogs than people? > When others are behaving badly? > If I just had sex? > Just heard a good joke? > Ate a bacon sandwich? > Motorcycle started first kick? > > If big & hairy scare you, why should that bother me enough to change my appearance or way of walking ( do you know how hard that is to do on a permanent basis? ). > Your fear of flying or lightening or clowns is all that is necessary to require me to totally change myself? > Now that is starting to make me look scary… Bawahahaha If you imagine this being read aloud by a beatnik accompanying himself on bongo drums, it’s actually rather hilarious as well as easier to understand. ---
**Author:** ![Justin\_Bailey](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/justin_bailey/32/8792_2.png) [@Justin\_Bailey](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Justin_Bailey)\ **Post date:** [November 16, 2014, 11:22pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-do-you-stop-looking-scary-to-people/704759/39 "2014-11-16T23:22:37Z")
> [@Ambivalid](#): > > Wait, you’re 5’10" and _120 lbs_?! Was that a typo? How in the world would anyone be intimidated by such a slight human being?? Seriously. I know a few guys about that size and if any of them threatened to “fuck my corpse” I think I’d laugh so hard the sound waves would knock them over. ---
**Author:** ![monstro](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/ba9def/32.png) [@monstro](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/monstro)\ **Post date:** [November 16, 2014, 11:34pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-do-you-stop-looking-scary-to-people/704759/40 "2014-11-16T23:34:23Z")
> [@Spice\_Weasel](#): > > I have the feeling if I ever got to know you in person, **monstro** , I would like you a lot. You sound like an introvert, and I think some very extroverted people are put off by introverts, interpreting the lack of engagement as a personal slight. But as a fellow introvert I would feel more at ease around you, not less. (Though I am the type to engage in idle chit-chat, to an extent. I may not be an extrovert but I can relate to them well enough, which is why I get, ‘‘I never would have thought were an introvert’’ a lot.) Aw, thanks, **Spice Weasel**! I think I would like you too! I didn’t think about this being an introvert thing, but maybe it is. A person who lives in their head is less likely to be sensitive to their own body language. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-do-you-stop-looking-scary-to-people/704759.md?page=1) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-do-you-stop-looking-scary-to-people/704759.md?page=3)