# How do you tell your parents that you are moving far away? **URL:** \ **Category:** In My Humble Opinion\ **Created:** [July 1, 2016, 11:10pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-do-you-tell-your-parents-that-you-are-moving-far-away/758893 "2016-07-01T23:10:16Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 1
**Author:** ![DPRK](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/4491bb/32.png) [@DPRK](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/DPRK)\ **Post date:** [July 1, 2016, 11:10pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-do-you-tell-your-parents-that-you-are-moving-far-away/758893/1 "2016-07-01T23:10:16Z")
I live in Tennessee right now and I want to move to New Hampshire. I first suggested this to my parents about two months ago and my dad tried to completely guilt trip me into staying, saying that I’d be abandoning them after they’ve done so much for me over the years (like helping pay for college). He even mentioned that he should’ve just made me go work at a local business and pay for college myself. I mean, I greatly appreciate what they’ve done but it’s time for me to move on and do what I need to. The jobs are much better for my field of work and my fiancee also lives there. I’ve been wanting to move there for about a year now and me and my fiancee have talked about it quite a bit. Unfortunately my car is in my parents’ name so it’s possible that they won’t let me take it and I’ll have to get a new one once I’m there. I don’t have a job yet and I’m a few credits shy of my degree but I plan to take those online while working in NH. They’ve made it clear that now that I’m out of school that I need to start paying for all of my bills too. Am I wrong in moving this far away? For reference, it’s about 14 hours away by car. Only a few hours by plane. ---
**Author:** ![Procrustus](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/procrustus/32/2994_2.png) [@Procrustus](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Procrustus)\ **Post date:** [July 1, 2016, 11:17pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-do-you-tell-your-parents-that-you-are-moving-far-away/758893/2 "2016-07-01T23:17:31Z")
If they’re simply trying to control you (which I hope isn’t true), then you do what you have to do and let them adjust. On the other hand, if they are trying to tell you that your plans are not (in their view) what’s best for you, then you listen to them, consider what they’re saying, and decide what you think is best for you. Then you let them adjust. In my view, it’s part of a parent’s job is to raise children who are confident and independent enough to move away and live their lives. ---
**Author:** ![DPRK](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/4491bb/32.png) [@DPRK](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/DPRK)\ **Post date:** [July 1, 2016, 11:26pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-do-you-tell-your-parents-that-you-are-moving-far-away/758893/3 "2016-07-01T23:26:28Z")
They don’t actually know what my plans are. The mere suggestion that I was interviewing with a company (with a very nice salary I might add) was enough to set my dad off and it’s difficult to get words in when he gets pissed off. ---
**Author:** ![elfkin477](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/a9a28c/32.png) [@elfkin477](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/elfkin477)\ **Post date:** [July 1, 2016, 11:35pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-do-you-tell-your-parents-that-you-are-moving-far-away/758893/4 "2016-07-01T23:35:53Z")
> [@DPRK](#): > > The jobs are much better for my field of work Biotech? So…you’ve been here, right? Because it won’t be long before your dad points out that the weather is so much worse here than TN, and you’ll need to be able to counter that. ---
**Author:** ![John\_Mace](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/john_mace/32/185_2.png) [@John\_Mace](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/John_Mace)\ **Post date:** [July 1, 2016, 11:36pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-do-you-tell-your-parents-that-you-are-moving-far-away/758893/5 "2016-07-01T23:36:37Z")
nm ---
**Author:** ![John\_Mace](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/john_mace/32/185_2.png) [@John\_Mace](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/John_Mace)\ **Post date:** [July 1, 2016, 11:39pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-do-you-tell-your-parents-that-you-are-moving-far-away/758893/6 "2016-07-01T23:39:41Z")
How old are you? Do your parents like your fiancé? I’m guessing there is a lot more to this tale than you’ve told so far. But the first thing you need to do is to put some financial distance between you and your parents. Get your own car, and if you have to pay them back for college, work out a repayment schedule. But don’t let them guilt you out of doing something you want to do. ---
**Author:** ![DPRK](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/4491bb/32.png) [@DPRK](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/DPRK)\ **Post date:** [July 1, 2016, 11:39pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-do-you-tell-your-parents-that-you-are-moving-far-away/758893/7 "2016-07-01T23:39:59Z")
> [@elfkin477](#): > > Biotech? > > So…you’ve been here, right? Because it won’t be long before your dad points out that the weather is so much worse here than TN, and you’ll need to be able to counter that. I hate hot weather. Is that a good enough response? 😛 > [@John\_Mace](#): > > How old are you? Do your parents like your fiancé? I’m guessing there is a lot more to this tale than you’ve told so far. But the first thing you need to do is to put some financial distance between you and your parents. Get your own car, and if you have to pay them back for college, work out a repayment schedule. But don’t let them guilt you out of doing something you want to do. I have some money saved. Been interviewing with places too. Fortunately where I’m going has really good public transportation (including easy access to Boston area). ---
**Author:** ![DPRK](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/4491bb/32.png) [@DPRK](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/DPRK)\ **Post date:** [July 1, 2016, 11:46pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-do-you-tell-your-parents-that-you-are-moving-far-away/758893/8 "2016-07-01T23:46:24Z")
Oh and I paid about 50/50 on the car since my last one just got wrecked by another driver. But my dad mentioned in an unrelated matter that if I took it without permission he’d report it stolen so… ---
**Author:** ![purplehearingaid](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/7bcc69/32.png) [@purplehearingaid](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/purplehearingaid)\ **Post date:** [July 1, 2016, 11:57pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-do-you-tell-your-parents-that-you-are-moving-far-away/758893/9 "2016-07-01T23:57:58Z")
are you an only child ? If you’re of age you really don’t need your parents permission to leave home . Can you get a job lined up in NH before moving there and a place to live ? and did you agree to pay back your parents to going to college or was this just brought up b/c you want to move? ---
**Author:** ![Dr.Drake](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/ad7895/32.png) [@Dr.Drake](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Dr.Drake)\ **Post date:** [July 1, 2016, 11:59pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-do-you-tell-your-parents-that-you-are-moving-far-away/758893/10 "2016-07-01T23:59:43Z")
> [@DPRK](#): > > (like helping pay for college) When they helped you, did they make it clear that there were strings attached, or was it a gift? If it was a gift, they have no moral standing to attach strings now. If you agreed to stay in TN after college, then you should ask how long you need to stay in TN to fulfill your obligation to them. > [@DPRK](#): > > my fiancee also lives there. I’ve been wanting to move there for about a year now and me and my fiancee have talked about it quite a bit. If you are an adult, barring abuse, people come in this order: (1) your children, (2) your spouse, (3) your parents. From the outside, if you have to choose between living near your fiancée and living near your parents, it’s a no-brainer: choose your fiancée. > [@DPRK](#): > > Unfortunately my car is in my parents’ name get the new car ASAP. > [@DPRK](#): > > I don’t have a job yet and I’m a few credits shy of my degree but I plan to take those online while working in NH. How can you be no longer in school if you don’t have a degree and are planning to take more courses? ---
**Author:** ![DPRK](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/4491bb/32.png) [@DPRK](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/DPRK)\ **Post date:** [July 2, 2016, 12:48am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-do-you-tell-your-parents-that-you-are-moving-far-away/758893/11 "2016-07-02T00:48:51Z")
> [@purplehearingaid](#): > > are you an only child ? If you’re of age you really don’t need your parents permission to leave home . Can you get a job lined up in NH before moving there and a place to live ? and did you agree to pay back your parents to going to college or was this just brought up b/c you want to move? No, I have an older sibling but he didn’t move out until he was almost 30. I’m 23. I’ve got a few jobs in the works, it’s a matter of getting offers from them. They only brought up the fact that they paid for stuff as a result of moving. That and how they’ve always treated me so well. Also brought up that if I go there and I end up having kids that he’d never see them more than once a year and never see me. I told him the move wasn’t a permanent plan, that we would probably move down south again once she finishes grad school. He just said that I won’t be coming back that I’ll stay there forever. > [@Dr.Drake](#): > > When they helped you, did they make it clear that there were strings attached, or was it a gift? If it was a gift, they have no moral standing to attach strings now. If you agreed to stay in TN after college, then you should ask how long you need to stay in TN to fulfill your obligation to them. > If you are an adult, barring abuse, people come in this order: (1) your children, (2) your spouse, (3) your parents. From the outside, if you have to choose between living near your fiancée and living near your parents, it’s a no-brainer: choose your fiancée.get the new car ASAP.How can you be no longer in school if you don’t have a degree and are planning to take more courses? No, my parents agreed to pay so long as I did well in school. I was supposed to graduate but I failed a class. My school said that as long as I take the class at an accredited school that it’ll transfer back and I’ll have my degree by the end of December. ---
**Author:** ![Dr.Drake](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/ad7895/32.png) [@Dr.Drake](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Dr.Drake)\ **Post date:** [July 2, 2016, 12:59am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-do-you-tell-your-parents-that-you-are-moving-far-away/758893/12 "2016-07-02T00:59:09Z")
> [@DPRK](#): > > No, my parents agreed to pay so long as I did well in school. I was supposed to graduate but I failed a class. My school said that as long as I take the class at an accredited school that it’ll transfer back and I’ll have my degree by the end of December. Then I can see their wanting you to stay until you finish that last course, but I do think it’s wrong of them to insist. Why let your father’s fears keep you from living your life? ---
**Author:** ![DPRK](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/4491bb/32.png) [@DPRK](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/DPRK)\ **Post date:** [July 2, 2016, 1:11am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-do-you-tell-your-parents-that-you-are-moving-far-away/758893/13 "2016-07-02T01:11:45Z")
> [@Dr.Drake](#): > > Then I can see their wanting you to stay until you finish that last course, but I do think it’s wrong of them to insist. > > Why let your father’s fears keep you from living your life? Thing is, they were resisting before I had any trouble with that class. ---
**Author:** ![spamforbrains](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/e274bd/32.png) [@spamforbrains](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/spamforbrains)\ **Post date:** [July 2, 2016, 1:32am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-do-you-tell-your-parents-that-you-are-moving-far-away/758893/14 "2016-07-02T01:32:09Z")
I can understand them insisting you stay until you finish your degree and stay until you have a solid job offer. But once you have those taken care of, why would you even consider staying and what sane parent would encourage you to do so? ---
**Author:** ![John\_Mace](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/john_mace/32/185_2.png) [@John\_Mace](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/John_Mace)\ **Post date:** [July 2, 2016, 1:45am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-do-you-tell-your-parents-that-you-are-moving-far-away/758893/15 "2016-07-02T01:45:50Z")
> [@DPRK](#): > > Oh and I paid about 50/50 on the car since my last one just got wrecked by another driver. But my dad mentioned in an unrelated matter that if I took it without permission he’d report it stolen so… Finish your school, get a job offer, then hop on a bus and get out of there as fast as you can. Are you male or female? It shouldn’t matter, but I’m guessing you’re female. ---
**Author:** ![DPRK](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/4491bb/32.png) [@DPRK](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/DPRK)\ **Post date:** [July 2, 2016, 2:02am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-do-you-tell-your-parents-that-you-are-moving-far-away/758893/16 "2016-07-02T02:02:53Z")
> [@John\_Mace](#): > > Finish your school, get a job offer, then hop on a bus and get out of there as fast as you can. Are you male or female? It shouldn’t matter, but I’m guessing you’re female. Male ---
**Author:** ![purplehearingaid](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/7bcc69/32.png) [@purplehearingaid](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/purplehearingaid)\ **Post date:** [July 2, 2016, 3:03am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-do-you-tell-your-parents-that-you-are-moving-far-away/758893/17 "2016-07-02T03:03:23Z")
> [@DPRK](#): > > No, I have an older sibling but he didn’t move out until he was almost 30. I’m 23. I’ve got a few jobs in the works, it’s a matter of getting offers from them. They only brought up the fact that they paid for stuff as a result of moving. That and how they’ve always treated me so well. Also brought up that if I go there and I end up having kids that he’d never see them more than once a year and never see me. I told him the move wasn’t a permanent plan, that we would probably move down south again once she finishes grad school. He just said that I won’t be coming back that I’ll stay there forever. > > No, my parents agreed to pay so long as I did well in school. I was supposed to graduate but I failed a class. My school said that as long as I take the class at an accredited school that it’ll transfer back and I’ll have my degree by the end of December. OMG! What a guilt trip they’re trying to lay on you ! It not like you’re moving to the end of world ! It looks like your parents are trying to get you live at home to take care of them or something . It looks like you’ll just to try and get things lined up for your move and not depend on your parents for any help . I just told my mom I was moving 3,000 miles from her and she really had no say. I wasn’t living at home anymore , I did move back 9 years later so mom could get to know her granddaughter . Dad was not longer alive . I had my own place with my child . I wish you luck on this ,I think you really need to be firm on this and move if this really what you want to do . Other wise if you don’t you could send up having hard feelings toward your parents . You could tell them trying to lay a guilt trip on you is not going to do anything good for your relationship with them. What was the point on sending you to college if you’re not allow to learn how to be independent ?? ---
**Author:** ![DPRK](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/4491bb/32.png) [@DPRK](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/DPRK)\ **Post date:** [July 2, 2016, 3:58am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-do-you-tell-your-parents-that-you-are-moving-far-away/758893/18 "2016-07-02T03:58:01Z")
So… Does this sound reasonable? > [@](#): > > Please finish reading this in full before throwing it out… > I’m 23. As you know, that makes me an adult. And you are my parents who truly love me. I am more than appreciative for everything that you’ve ever helped me with in the past. You’ve supported me through school and otherwise. And I want to move out from under your loving guidance and care to Nashua. > > First of all, as my parents I totally get that you want to see me succeed financially. I fully expect to pay my own bills. And you want me to get a good job. And I have some that I may actually get offers for. For example, one of the world’s largest pharmaceuticals company is recruiting me for work starting at $27/hour with benefits. I have one more interview with them. Also I know that the area is very expensive. But I have somewhere to stay indefinitely until I find a place of my own as well as food. I won’t be all on my own. I don’t want you to think that I’ve totally ignored your plea for me to find a job locally - I’ve looked and I’ve applied. But I’ve had way more recruiters from the NH and MA area contact me than I’ve had from the TN and KY area. The jobs here just aren’t as plentiful since this area of the US isn’t really a technology hub. The three big places in the US are West Coast (San Francisco area), Southwest (Austin area), and Northeast (Boston area)… > > School is another big thing you’ve worried about. You feel that you’ve wasted your money because I don’t have a degree yet. But with UMass, I have an opportunity to not only get my degree, but actually getting it from a very good Computer Science school. I’ve tried finding classes locally, but I just can’t find any. And yes, I’ve actually looked, and I’ve looked, and I’ve looked. I’m not being lazy and trying to get by without it. > > Most importantly to you, you feel like I’m a part of you and that is understandable. But if I’m ever going to go out and try to make something of myself, the time is now. You all are not elderly yet, you’ve still got many years ahead of you. I know that you will miss me sincerely. But I have to live my own life, without being held back. I don’t mean to sound selfish, but I’ve done what I could to be a good child. I’ve tried to help out when I can and be as peaceful as I can at home. But - I have my own voice now and I need room to grow. Again, I really appreciate how caring you’ve been for me, but imagine the lemon tree in the tiny pot. Sure it can grow here, but it would be flourishing if you were to give it a proper home, like somewhere in Florida. That’s all I’m asking of you all. Let me take life with stride in a place where I can flourish. Furthermore, this is not permanent. I won’t be gone forever. I’m not even moving away from the East Coast. I’ll just be a few hours flight away from you. We can Skype as much as you want to. > > I know I’m only 23 and that I don’t have the life experiences that you all have had. I don’t claim to be wise in the experience of life. But every bird must leave the nest, lest it stay in the nest forever. Please consider what I’m talking to you about. I don’t want to leave on bad terms. You don’t have to be happy with my decision, nor do you even have to understand why I’m leaving your protection. All I ask is that you give me your blessing and let me go., ---
**Author:** ![Dr.Drake](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/ad7895/32.png) [@Dr.Drake](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Dr.Drake)\ **Post date:** [July 2, 2016, 4:12am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-do-you-tell-your-parents-that-you-are-moving-far-away/758893/19 "2016-07-02T04:12:04Z")
Sort of. I’m glad you wrote it. But here’s the thing: They are not going to be swayed by a logical argument, because they did not arrive at their position by logic. Don’t give it to them. You are not going to be able to please them / get their blessing AND live the life you want, at least not in the short term. You are going to have to choose. That’s not what you want to hear, so you’re probably going to dismiss my argument, which is exactly and precisely what your parents are doing to you. It’s human nature. But anyway: You can choose to leave. They’ll be upset. They’ll behave badly, or at least say regrettable things. But you know what? They’ll get over it. They’ll still love you, and in a year or so, once they’re used to the situation, they’ll be very proud of you. Or you can choose to stay. You’ll get used to it. But you will always wonder what would have happened. Here is what I say (or write, if there’s no other way to get them to hear): Mom & Dad, I love you, and I really appreciate everything you’ve done for me. I’m going to be moving to Nashua in three weeks, and I would really appreciate having your blessing for the move. In either case, I’ll let you know my new address as soon as I’m settled. Love, **DPRK** ---
**Author:** ![Maggie\_the\_Ocelot](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/df705f/32.png) [@Maggie\_the\_Ocelot](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Maggie_the_Ocelot)\ **Post date:** [July 2, 2016, 4:50am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-do-you-tell-your-parents-that-you-are-moving-far-away/758893/20 "2016-07-02T04:50:47Z")
DPRK - From your handle - are you Korean? Or is your family from elsewhere in Asia? Because this is a very common question on here from American-raised young adults with Asian families, but very rare from non-Asians. Some idea of your cultural background would be helpful. [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-do-you-tell-your-parents-that-you-are-moving-far-away/758893.md?page=2)