# How do YOU wipe your bum? **URL:** \ **Category:** In My Humble Opinion\ **Created:** [March 13, 2019, 6:46pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-do-you-wipe-your-bum/831088 "2019-03-13T18:46:17Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 1
**Author:** ![Stuntman\_Mike](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/stuntman_mike/32/334_2.png) [@Stuntman\_Mike](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Stuntman_Mike)\ **Post date:** [March 13, 2019, 6:46pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-do-you-wipe-your-bum/831088/1 "2019-03-13T18:46:17Z")
Ever wonder if you’re doing it wrong? I do. So let’s put it to a vote. ---
**Author:** ![Slash1972](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/slash1972/32/6461_2.png) [@Slash1972](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Slash1972)\ **Post date:** [March 13, 2019, 6:50pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-do-you-wipe-your-bum/831088/2 "2019-03-13T18:50:16Z")
I use 3 seashells. ---
**Author:** ![kenobi\_65](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/kenobi_65/32/13178_2.png) [@kenobi\_65](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/kenobi_65)\ **Post date:** [March 13, 2019, 6:54pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-do-you-wipe-your-bum/831088/3 "2019-03-13T18:54:15Z")
Francois Rabelais tells us that there are a diverse number of methods and items, but the single best is apparently the neck of a goose. I’m not making this up, but Rabelais very likely was. 😃 Spoilered, as the language in the link may be considered NSFW: [https://ebooks.adelaide.edu.au/r/rabelais/francois/r11g/book1.13.html](https://ebooks.adelaide.edu.au/r/rabelais/francois/r11g/book1.13.html) ---
**Author:** ![bump](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/7c8e57/32.png) [@bump](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/bump)\ **Post date:** [March 13, 2019, 7:03pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-do-you-wipe-your-bum/831088/4 "2019-03-13T19:03:51Z")
One sheet up, one sheet down, and one to polish. (kudos to anyone who catches the reference) ---
**Author:** ![running\_coach](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/running_coach/32/15836_2.png) [@running\_coach](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/running_coach)\ **Post date:** [March 13, 2019, 7:11pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-do-you-wipe-your-bum/831088/5 "2019-03-13T19:11:24Z")
> [@kenobi\_65](#): > > Francois Rabelais tells us that there are a diverse number of methods and items, but the single best is apparently the neck of a goose. > > I’m not making this up, but Rabelais very likely was. 😃 > > Spoilered, as the language in the link may be considered NSFW: > > [https://ebooks.adelaide.edu.au/r/rabelais/francois/r11g/book1.13.html](https://ebooks.adelaide.edu.au/r/rabelais/francois/r11g/book1.13.html) That explains Eulalie Mackecknie Shinn’s animosity towards the man. ---
**Author:** ![Bayaker](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/bayaker/32/3454_2.png) [@Bayaker](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Bayaker)\ **Post date:** [March 13, 2019, 7:18pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-do-you-wipe-your-bum/831088/6 "2019-03-13T19:18:25Z")
> [@running\_coach](#): > > That explains Eulalie Mackecknie Shinn’s animosity towards the man. And don’t get her started on Balzac! ---
**Author:** ![Happy\_Lendervedder](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/happy_lendervedder/32/8488_2.png) [@Happy\_Lendervedder](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Happy_Lendervedder)\ **Post date:** [March 13, 2019, 7:34pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-do-you-wipe-your-bum/831088/7 "2019-03-13T19:34:23Z")
Who has time to wipe these days? ---
**Author:** ![kenobi\_65](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/kenobi_65/32/13178_2.png) [@kenobi\_65](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/kenobi_65)\ **Post date:** [March 13, 2019, 7:35pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-do-you-wipe-your-bum/831088/8 "2019-03-13T19:35:35Z")
> [@running\_coach](#): > > That explains Eulalie Mackecknie Shinn’s animosity towards the man. Ye gods!! ---
**Author:** ![Dung\_Beetle](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/dung_beetle/32/7945_2.png) [@Dung\_Beetle](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Dung_Beetle)\ **Post date:** [March 13, 2019, 7:54pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-do-you-wipe-your-bum/831088/9 "2019-03-13T19:54:44Z")
You watch your phraseology! ---
**Author:** ![TriPolar](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/tripolar/32/3008_2.png) [@TriPolar](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/TriPolar)\ **Post date:** [March 13, 2019, 8:16pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-do-you-wipe-your-bum/831088/10 "2019-03-13T20:16:20Z")
I don’t shit. I meditate and it goes away. ---
**Author:** ![kenobi\_65](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/kenobi_65/32/13178_2.png) [@kenobi\_65](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/kenobi_65)\ **Post date:** [March 13, 2019, 8:37pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-do-you-wipe-your-bum/831088/11 "2019-03-13T20:37:11Z")
> [@TriPolar](#): > > I don’t shit. I meditate and it goes away. [How does that work?](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bhCt-HJLLto) ---
**Author:** ![Dallas\_Jones](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/dallas_jones/32/3277_2.png) [@Dallas\_Jones](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Dallas_Jones)\ **Post date:** [March 13, 2019, 9:06pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-do-you-wipe-your-bum/831088/12 "2019-03-13T21:06:28Z")
Wipe my own ass? That is disgusting. I have people who do that. And, of course, a completely different set of people who do my cooking. ---
**Author:** ![Uzi](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/u/91b2a8/32.png) [@Uzi](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Uzi)\ **Post date:** [March 13, 2019, 10:07pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-do-you-wipe-your-bum/831088/13 "2019-03-13T22:07:51Z")
Shit -\> **SHOWER** -\> shave. ---
**Author:** ![DinoR](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/dinor/32/2821_2.png) [@DinoR](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/DinoR)\ **Post date:** [March 13, 2019, 10:22pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-do-you-wipe-your-bum/831088/14 "2019-03-13T22:22:27Z")
Drag my ass across the carpet when there’s too much buildup like all indoor living domesticated mammals. Actually the first one on the poll minus the bend in the knees. ---
**Author:** ![hopesperson](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/h/e95f7d/32.png) [@hopesperson](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/hopesperson)\ **Post date:** [March 13, 2019, 10:42pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-do-you-wipe-your-bum/831088/15 "2019-03-13T22:42:27Z")
I believe the correct term is “homeless person.” “Bum” is viewed as pejorative these days. In any event, generally option 1. ---
**Author:** ![Stuntman\_Mike](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/stuntman_mike/32/334_2.png) [@Stuntman\_Mike](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Stuntman_Mike)\ **Post date:** [March 13, 2019, 11:45pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-do-you-wipe-your-bum/831088/16 "2019-03-13T23:45:03Z")
> [@Uzi](#): > > Shit -\> **SHOWER** -\> shave. In a perfect world, we’d be able to shower after every dump. Someday. Someday… ---
**Author:** ![Stuntman\_Mike](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/stuntman_mike/32/334_2.png) [@Stuntman\_Mike](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Stuntman_Mike)\ **Post date:** [March 13, 2019, 11:46pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-do-you-wipe-your-bum/831088/17 "2019-03-13T23:46:24Z")
> [@DinoR](#): > > Drag my ass across the carpet when there’s too much buildup like all indoor living domesticated mammals. > > Actually the first one on the poll minus the bend in the knees. A locked knees stand up wipe??? Damn you must have long arms. ---
**Author:** ![TreacherousCretin](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/treacherouscretin/32/476_2.png) [@TreacherousCretin](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/TreacherousCretin)\ **Post date:** [March 14, 2019, 12:37am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-do-you-wipe-your-bum/831088/18 "2019-03-14T00:37:29Z")
**How do YOU wipe your bum?** Start on the outside and work my way in. ---
**Author:** ![DinoR](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/dinor/32/2821_2.png) [@DinoR](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/DinoR)\ **Post date:** [March 14, 2019, 1:34am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-do-you-wipe-your-bum/831088/19 "2019-03-14T01:34:14Z")
> [@Stuntman\_Mike](#): > > A locked knees stand up wipe??? Damn you must have long arms. Along with a long frame. They aren’t freakish in proportion. Just standing straight up my wrist falls at or just about the appropriate level on the outside of my leg. It takes a little more to angle to the center of the body but I suspect that’s all made up by dropping the shoulder a bit and listing my body to the side. I think that’s what I do. I’m overthinking it now. ---
**Author:** ![wolfman](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/w/a8b319/32.png) [@wolfman](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/wolfman)\ **Post date:** [March 14, 2019, 1:41am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-do-you-wipe-your-bum/831088/20 "2019-03-14T01:41:34Z")
> [@Stuntman\_Mike](#): > > A locked knees stand up wipe??? Damn you must have long arms. I’m missing something here, as to what the angle of the knees has to do with the distance between the shoulder and asshole. [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-do-you-wipe-your-bum/831088.md?page=2)