# How do YOU wipe your bum? **URL:** \ **Category:** In My Humble Opinion\ **Created:** [March 13, 2019, 6:46pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-do-you-wipe-your-bum/831088 "2019-03-13T18:46:17Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 2
**Author:** ![I\_Love\_Me\_Vol.I](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/i_love_me_vol.i/32/521_2.png) [@I\_Love\_Me\_Vol.I](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/I_Love_Me_Vol.I)\ **Post date:** [March 14, 2019, 1:46am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-do-you-wipe-your-bum/831088/21 "2019-03-14T01:46:59Z")
Don’t need to. I have a nice bidet seat. It’s more sanitary and clean-feeling, IMO. ---
**Author:** ![kopek](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/kopek/32/337_2.png) [@kopek](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/kopek)\ **Post date:** [March 14, 2019, 8:49am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-do-you-wipe-your-bum/831088/22 "2019-03-14T08:49:48Z")
Seated position, leaning to side while raising one cheek off the seat… reach around side and under bum… wipe front to back, back to front or circular. With steel wool. I’m a real hard-ass. 😃 ---
**Author:** ![Dereknocue67](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/6de8d8/32.png) [@Dereknocue67](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Dereknocue67)\ **Post date:** [March 14, 2019, 9:13am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-do-you-wipe-your-bum/831088/23 "2019-03-14T09:13:31Z")
I’m not sure about this but I’ll ask my people who do this for me. ---
**Author:** ![GuanoLad](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/guanolad/32/42_2.png) [@GuanoLad](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/GuanoLad)\ **Post date:** [March 14, 2019, 9:30am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-do-you-wipe-your-bum/831088/24 "2019-03-14T09:30:35Z")
I have always been curious about bidets, but have never had an opportunity to use one. ---
**Author:** ![Dead\_Cat](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/9fc29f/32.png) [@Dead\_Cat](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Dead_Cat)\ **Post date:** [March 14, 2019, 10:26am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-do-you-wipe-your-bum/831088/25 "2019-03-14T10:26:06Z")
I’m curious as to whether those voting for the currently most popular option (lean to one side while seated) have to replace/refix their toilet seats more often than the rest of us. ---
**Author:** ![Nava](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/n/da6949/32.png) [@Nava](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Nava)\ **Post date:** [March 14, 2019, 10:33am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-do-you-wipe-your-bum/831088/26 "2019-03-14T10:33:12Z")
Between upright and squatting, front goes to front (i.e., urine and vaginal discharges get wiped towards the front) and back goes to back (feces get wiped towards the back). This helps avoid UTIs. ---
**Author:** ![wguy123](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/wguy123/32/3161_2.png) [@wguy123](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/wguy123)\ **Post date:** [March 14, 2019, 2:15pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-do-you-wipe-your-bum/831088/27 "2019-03-14T14:15:18Z")
> [@Dead\_Cat](#): > > I’m curious as to whether those voting for the currently most popular option (lean to one side while seated) have to replace/refix their toilet seats more often than the rest of us. I’ve had the same toilet seat for all 16 years I’ve lived in my house. Going to replace the toilet soon, but not because all my leaning has dilapidated the thing. However, that doesn’t really answer your question since I don’t know how often you have to replace/refix your own toilet seats. What is the normal expected life of a toilet seat? ---
**Author:** ![Gatopescado](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/gatopescado/32/5711_2.png) [@Gatopescado](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Gatopescado)\ **Post date:** [March 14, 2019, 2:18pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-do-you-wipe-your-bum/831088/28 "2019-03-14T14:18:19Z")
> [@kenobi\_65](#): > > Francois Rabelais tells us that there are a diverse number of methods and items, but the single best is apparently the neck of a goose. > > I’m not making this up, but Rabelais very likely was. 😃 This was in one of Cecil’s columns. I think it also featured a cartoon goose by Slug. ---
**Author:** ![kopek](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/kopek/32/337_2.png) [@kopek](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/kopek)\ **Post date:** [March 14, 2019, 3:08pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-do-you-wipe-your-bum/831088/29 "2019-03-14T15:08:10Z")
> [@Dead\_Cat](#): > > I’m curious as to whether those voting for the currently most popular option (lean to one side while seated) have to replace/refix their toilet seats more often than the rest of us. I replace mine about every 10-12 years and more to peeling around the front of the seat (where my nuts and penis rub sitting down and getting up) than because of any torque action. ---
**Author:** ![kenobi\_65](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/kenobi_65/32/13178_2.png) [@kenobi\_65](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/kenobi_65)\ **Post date:** [March 14, 2019, 3:57pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-do-you-wipe-your-bum/831088/30 "2019-03-14T15:57:05Z")
> [@Gatopescado](#): > > This was in one of Cecil’s columns. I think it also featured a cartoon goose by Slug. :smack: That’s right! [It was one of the early columns, too.](https://www.straightdope.com/columns/read/572/what-did-people-use-before-toilet-paper-was-invented/) I actually had to read the book in a literature class in college. It’s a ribald read (though not easy), and that particular passage stuck in my head. Then, a couple of years later, when I had started reading The Straight Dope in the local alternative paper, I saw that column, and recognized the book. 😃 ---
**Author:** ![Gatopescado](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/gatopescado/32/5711_2.png) [@Gatopescado](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Gatopescado)\ **Post date:** [March 14, 2019, 8:03pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-do-you-wipe-your-bum/831088/31 "2019-03-14T20:03:45Z")
_"But to conclude, I say and maintain that of all arse-wisps, bum-fodders, tail-napkins, bung-hole-cleansers and wipe-breeches, there is none in this world comparable to the neck of a goose, that is well downed, if you hold her head betwixt your legs: and believe me therein upon mine honour; for you will thereby feel in your nockhole a most wonderful pleasure, both in regard of the softness of the said down, and of the temperate heat of the goose; which is easily communicated to the bumgut and the rest of the intestines, insofar as to come even to the regions of the heart and brains. And think not that the felicity of the heroes and demigods, in the Elysian fields, consisteth either in their Ambrosia or Nectar, but in this, that they wipe their tails with the necks of geese.”_ 😃 ---
**Author:** ![TriPolar](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/tripolar/32/3008_2.png) [@TriPolar](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/TriPolar)\ **Post date:** [March 14, 2019, 8:05pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-do-you-wipe-your-bum/831088/32 "2019-03-14T20:05:51Z")
Or, you know, a rabbit. ---
**Author:** ![Stuntman\_Mike](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/stuntman_mike/32/334_2.png) [@Stuntman\_Mike](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Stuntman_Mike)\ **Post date:** [March 14, 2019, 8:33pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-do-you-wipe-your-bum/831088/33 "2019-03-14T20:33:34Z")
> [@Nava](#): > > Between upright and squatting, front goes to front (i.e., urine and vaginal discharges get wiped towards the front) and back goes to back (feces get wiped towards the back). This helps avoid UTIs. Hol up, someone said “vaginal”. [https://pics.me.me/hol-up-34371113.png](https://pics.me.me/hol-up-34371113.png) ---
**Author:** ![Scoobysnax](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/c4cdca/32.png) [@Scoobysnax](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Scoobysnax)\ **Post date:** [March 14, 2019, 9:01pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-do-you-wipe-your-bum/831088/34 "2019-03-14T21:01:26Z")
> [@bump](#): > > One sheet up, one sheet down, and one to polish. > > (kudos to anyone who catches the reference) Man does no one watch Red Dwarf anymore? 😕 ---
**Author:** ![Staggerlee](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/staggerlee/32/3134_2.png) [@Staggerlee](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Staggerlee)\ **Post date:** [March 14, 2019, 9:29pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-do-you-wipe-your-bum/831088/35 "2019-03-14T21:29:01Z")
> [@Gatopescado](#): > > _"But to conclude, I say and maintain that of all arse-wisps, bum-fodders, tail-napkins, bung-hole-cleansers and wipe-breeches, there is none in this world comparable to the neck of a goose, that is well downed, if you hold her head betwixt your legs: and believe me therein upon mine honour; for you will thereby feel in your nockhole a most wonderful pleasure, both in regard of the softness of the said down, and of the temperate heat of the goose; which is easily communicated to the bumgut and the rest of the intestines, insofar as to come even to the regions of the heart and brains. And think not that the felicity of the heroes and demigods, in the Elysian fields, consisteth either in their Ambrosia or Nectar, but in this, that they wipe their tails with the necks of geese.”_ > > 😃 What next though? A servant washes the goose for next time? Or do you have a flock of shit-necked geese, living by your lavatory? ---
**Author:** ![Treppenwitz](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/treppenwitz/32/3445_2.png) [@Treppenwitz](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Treppenwitz)\ **Post date:** [March 14, 2019, 10:18pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-do-you-wipe-your-bum/831088/36 "2019-03-14T22:18:42Z")
> [@Scoobysnax](#): > > Man does no one watch Red Dwarf anymore? 😕 Surely the correct answer was “Rimmer”? j ---
**Author:** ![nearwildheaven](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/n/90db22/32.png) [@nearwildheaven](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/nearwildheaven)\ **Post date:** [March 14, 2019, 11:21pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-do-you-wipe-your-bum/831088/37 "2019-03-14T23:21:10Z")
I just wipe the area until it’s clean. Back when I was still menstruating, I did my best about that as well. ---
**Author:** ![panache45](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/panache45/32/64_2.png) [@panache45](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/panache45)\ **Post date:** [March 15, 2019, 5:41am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-do-you-wipe-your-bum/831088/38 "2019-03-15T05:41:45Z")
> [@Stuntman\_Mike](#): > > A locked knees stand up wipe??? Damn you must have long arms. No, you just have to bend sideways slightly. At my age, if I stood with bent knees, they may not straighten up again. Oh, and missed from the poll: Stand up and turn around, facing the toilet. This would be because the paper is kept atop the tank, rather than down to the side. And it’s easier to drop it in the tank when it’s right in front of you. ---
**Author:** ![thelurkinghorror](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/7c8e57/32.png) [@thelurkinghorror](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/thelurkinghorror)\ **Post date:** [March 15, 2019, 5:53am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-do-you-wipe-your-bum/831088/39 "2019-03-15T05:53:47Z")
I’ve never felt such anxiety clicking a poll option. I’m picturing making my choice and then a the honky tonk music stops and a bunch of cowboys turn their heads to stare at me and out me. Thankfully (most of you) aren’t complete madmen. It might’ve been nice to have two separate threads by gender. I still don’t know how that would affect things. ---
**Author:** ![Isamu](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/i/7c8e57/32.png) [@Isamu](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Isamu)\ **Post date:** [March 15, 2019, 5:59am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-do-you-wipe-your-bum/831088/40 "2019-03-15T05:59:09Z")
Japanese toilet does it all for you. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-do-you-wipe-your-bum/831088.md?page=1) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-do-you-wipe-your-bum/831088.md?page=3)