# How does a party work? **URL:** \ **Category:** In My Humble Opinion\ **Created:** [May 6, 2012, 2:03am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-does-a-party-work/621040 "2012-05-06T02:03:04Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 7\ **Page:** 2
**Author:** ![Arrendajo](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/e0b2c6/32.png) [@Arrendajo](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Arrendajo)\ **Post date:** [May 8, 2012, 2:50am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-does-a-party-work/621040/21 "2012-05-08T02:50:22Z")
> [@gaffa](#): > > No, I don’t drink, and don’t really wish to start. From external observation, all it seems to do is make people loud and dumb. People who are loud and dumb **drink too much**. ---
**Author:** ![Zsofia](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/z/7bcc69/32.png) [@Zsofia](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Zsofia)\ **Post date:** [May 8, 2012, 2:15pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-does-a-party-work/621040/22 "2012-05-08T14:15:24Z")
Have you ever read Dale Carnegie’s _How to Win Friends and Influence People_? It’s a really, really good book (never been out of print) and it’s full of the stuff that people who are good with people know instinctively but the rest of us need to be told. The number one concept in there is that people like people who are genuinely interested in them. This, in my experience, is quite true. ---
**Author:** ![Motorgirl](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/e36b37/32.png) [@Motorgirl](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Motorgirl)\ **Post date:** [May 8, 2012, 2:45pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-does-a-party-work/621040/23 "2012-05-08T14:45:23Z")
> [@gaffa](#): > > This was a party celebrating the life of a friend. I know a large number of the people there, but most of the people I know were working the party. The friend was an artist, who was also known for his BBQ. So his closest friends were serving BBQ in his honor, and most of them spent the party dishing out ribs, brisket, pulled pork, etc to the rest of the city’s artists. So it was not really easy for me to talk to our mutual friends. It was the rest of the crowd I had a difficult time talking to. Can you offer to help the BBQ crew? Offer to help run food from the grills/smokers to the tables. Carry plates of tidbits through the crowd offering them to people. This will let you strike up numerous shortlived conversations that have a natural start and end point, and will keep you busy. ---
**Author:** ![Zsofia](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/z/7bcc69/32.png) [@Zsofia](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Zsofia)\ **Post date:** [May 8, 2012, 3:14pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-does-a-party-work/621040/24 "2012-05-08T15:14:23Z")
> [@Motorgirl](#): > > Can you offer to help the BBQ crew? Offer to help run food from the grills/smokers to the tables. Carry plates of tidbits through the crowd offering them to people. This will let you strike up numerous shortlived conversations that have a natural start and end point, and will keep you busy. Yeah, when I was in the SCA I always volunteered in the kitchen or as a server - if you have something to do you have something to talk about. ---
**Author:** ![TruCelt](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/trucelt/32/523_2.png) [@TruCelt](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/TruCelt)\ **Post date:** [May 8, 2012, 6:38pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-does-a-party-work/621040/25 "2012-05-08T18:38:30Z")
You certainly asked the question the right way! One of the things that has dropped out of social training in the last couple of generations is the responsibility that every guest shares in making the party a success. If you just sit on the sofa and wait for somebody to talk to you, you are not upholding your end of the bargain. You were invited to attend, and then (hopefully) invited in at the door, and that means you’ve been invited to participate. Don’t sit around waiting for a further invitation. How to overcome the nerves is another question. The very best advice I’ve received (and believe me, I share your trepidation!) is to look around for someone who looks like they are feeling out of place and help them to feel welcome. Your introducing yourself and asking them a few questions will make all the difference in their evening. It will also earn you the reputation as “quiet, but an excellent guest” meaning that you aren’t likely to get rowdy, and are going to be a part of “keeping things going.” You wouldn’t believe how grateful a host/hostess will be for your efforts to help make things work! Also, try to look around for people who you know would enjoy talking with each other and introduce them. If you know 100 people there, some of them probably don’t know each other. If the nerves hit you beforehand, try to put some energy into reviewing the name sof the peopl you know who are liekly to attend, and maybe read the newspaper or listen to the radio to identify some likely conversational topics. It’s also perfectly OK to go to your host/hostess and say "I’m feeling a bit out of place, is there anything I can do to help? It doesn’t always work, but as was mentioned above, there’s nothing like putting in some effort to make you feel a part of things. The other thing that has really disappeared from social training is the responsibility of the host/hostess to help form conversational groups. Nowadays we’re all doing the cooking and serving ourselves, so we can’t put the attention into smoothing the social transitions that we used to. I remember my Grandparents and their cronies doing this so perfectly, it was a joy to behold. If a social group began to break, or was down to two people, the host or hostess would have seen it coming and be moving toward them with a new member to introduce. They also spent time with the family beforehand, reviewing the names of the guests and their personalities. Above all, just keep doing it. Keep going, and pasting a smile on your face, and trying. The effort will pay off in every part of your life. hth ---
**Author:** ![YogSothoth](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/y/8edcca/32.png) [@YogSothoth](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/YogSothoth)\ **Post date:** [May 8, 2012, 8:43pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-does-a-party-work/621040/26 "2012-05-08T20:43:18Z")
I have a way to deal with this: don’t try to fit in. I’m the guy who brings a book or a Nintendo DS to a party and just keeps himself busy until its time to go. The good thing about a big party is that nobody will notice when you leave. Make sure you drive yourself there so you’re not beholden to anyone else, and make sure you’re alone so other people can’t make you wait. Stay there a bit, eat some food, talk to people you know, then slip out early. ---
**Author:** ![Incubus](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/i/c68b51/32.png) [@Incubus](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Incubus)\ **Post date:** [May 9, 2012, 6:46am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-does-a-party-work/621040/27 "2012-05-09T06:46:22Z")
I sometimes have these awkward moments, and the way I fix it is to find opportunities to contribute something to the conversation. Maybe they are talking about something I know. If I’m particularly intimidated, that’s when I will ask people questions. Generally at parties questions are a good icebreaker. Like people have stated, be sincere. Its common for people at parties to act more ‘social’ than they really are, because they don’t want to come off as wallflowers to people. Sometimes when you are having an awkward moment, its not just ‘you’ its the atmosphere of the party. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-does-a-party-work/621040.md?page=1)