# How embarrassing is living with your parents? **URL:** \ **Category:** In My Humble Opinion\ **Created:** [January 16, 2014, 8:06pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-embarrassing-is-living-with-your-parents/678994 "2014-01-16T20:06:26Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 7
**Author:** ![ASGuy](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/838e76/32.png) [@ASGuy](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/ASGuy)\ **Post date:** [January 17, 2014, 4:14pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-embarrassing-is-living-with-your-parents/678994/121 "2014-01-17T16:14:50Z")
I’m going to chime in on it being an excellent idea. You are spot on about being able to save a ton of money (assuming you do it). I lived with my paternal grandmother for three years after completing college. The money saved on rent paid off my student loans in 10 months and from then on I saved half my paycheck until I moved out. Most of that money continued to grow until I needed it for my home. My Dad suggested the arrangement with his Mom. She was receptive, especially when I volunteered to pay for all the food and every utility bill that came into the household. It was still so cheap I also paid half the property taxes when they came due. It took a few months but having me around for conversation and household repairs turned the trick for her. Yes, the downside is no ability to host parties and other “intimate” gatherings. But it wasn’t much of a problem if it became necessary. And as for folks that think you’re an immature dufus for living at home (or with my granny): well, I laughed all the way to the bank. Go for it, especially if you and your folks get along. ---
**Author:** ![Marley23](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/45deac/32.png) [@Marley23](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Marley23)\ **Post date:** [January 17, 2014, 4:16pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-embarrassing-is-living-with-your-parents/678994/122 "2014-01-17T16:16:03Z")
> [@VeroTrem](#): > > Toronto is the 2nd most expensive city in Canada. The average property (including apartments) is over $530k. Rent. ---
**Author:** ![perfectparanoia](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/a5b964/32.png) [@perfectparanoia](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/perfectparanoia)\ **Post date:** [January 17, 2014, 4:19pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-embarrassing-is-living-with-your-parents/678994/123 "2014-01-17T16:19:37Z")
> [@Marley23](#): > > Rent. Bachelors downtown run 900 or so. Go further out (on the main subway) you can get to 650 or so… ---
**Author:** ![Malthus](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/85f322/32.png) [@Malthus](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Malthus)\ **Post date:** [January 17, 2014, 4:20pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-embarrassing-is-living-with-your-parents/678994/124 "2014-01-17T16:20:37Z")
Living with one’s parents as an adult has become so common in major urban centres like Toronto it has lost much of its former stigma. Not that there is no stigma, you can see from this thread what many people think, but I think it is rather less than it was. It’s a simple reaction to the fact that housing expenses have grown at a much greater rate than incomes, particularly starting-job incomes (which in themeslves are more uncertain for young people). I myself don’t accept that someone’s life has to have a particular pattern. Everything depends on the individual situation. I myself lived with my parents after graduating - first because I tried, and failed, at starting a small business, which took every penny I had. I then went back to school for law - working summers and part-time to pay for tuition, my parents kindly put up with housing me for free. I did move out once I had my first paying job, though. Throughout living with my parents, I never found any particular stigma, accusations of momma’s-boydom, or any particular difficulty in obtaining dates. I raised the issue with my parents of my taking out loans to rent a place, to be honest more because I thought it would be fun to have a place to party than anything else, but they convinced me it was a bad idea, given that they had a room available; we have always sort of planned financial stuff as an extended family, so as it were, taking a loan to rent a place looked like an unnecessary expense. Also, as they pointed out, going to law school and working part time I would have little spare time for socializing anyway, and they were right! 😃 ---
**Author:** ![JohnT](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/johnt/32/15048_2.png) [@JohnT](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/JohnT)\ **Post date:** [January 17, 2014, 4:26pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-embarrassing-is-living-with-your-parents/678994/125 "2014-01-17T16:26:01Z")
Not to jump in with a lot of already-said things, I’ll jump in with one thing that’s probably been said but I feel needs to be emphasized: **You need to lower the expectations of your standard of living, especially at this stage of your life.** ---
**Author:** ![monstro](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/ba9def/32.png) [@monstro](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/monstro)\ **Post date:** [January 17, 2014, 4:33pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-embarrassing-is-living-with-your-parents/678994/126 "2014-01-17T16:33:01Z")
I think many people would make exceptions for full-time students, **Malthus**. If the OP was broke, I also think the thread would have unfolded in a different way. But he’s not broke. He’s unemployed, true, but based on what he has said, this seems secondary to him not having enough money to buy a $700K house. I’m not about “shoulding” people about their lifestyle choices. But why the hell is a 20-something with no wife, no children and NO JOB worried whether his future $700K house will be right next-door to a meth lab? Living with his parents will only entrench these distorted views and unusual priorities. He doesn’t have to go out and find a “party house”. Doesn’t seem like he’s that kind of guy anyway. But it seems to me he’d be wise to experience the world a little bit and at least learn first-hand how 99% of people function. If he thinks $50K isn’t a lot of money for someone just starting off, he’s in for quite a rude awakening. ---
**Author:** ![Marley23](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/45deac/32.png) [@Marley23](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Marley23)\ **Post date:** [January 17, 2014, 4:33pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-embarrassing-is-living-with-your-parents/678994/127 "2014-01-17T16:33:29Z")
I’m trying to figure out how **VeroTrem** could be a well-educated and internationally-traveled young person and not know there is such a thing as renting an apartment or buying used things. It’s kind of astonishing that anyone college age would hear the words ‘get an apartment’ and think he was being advised to _buy_. ---
**Author:** ![This\_Just\_In\_2](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/bbe5ce/32.png) [@This\_Just\_In\_2](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/This_Just_In_2)\ **Post date:** [January 17, 2014, 4:34pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-embarrassing-is-living-with-your-parents/678994/128 "2014-01-17T16:34:16Z")
OP, you need to consider the connectivity between your future marriage (if you desire that), long term financial success and your present social life. Consider that marriage can really change your financial picture drastically. Given the importance you place on saving you should focus on finding someone with compatible goals and spending habits. If you do this - and your mate has a half-decent job you will find that your ability to make/save money can increase dramatically (at least until you have kids). Alternatively if you fall for someone who spends your savings wildly it will undoubtedly cause conflict. Also consider the importance of being able to date around and really figure out what works for you in a partnership and be able to discover the right person for the long haul. If you don’t do this and jump into a marriage naively, separation/divorce can really set you back financially. So just consider that having an active social life and meeting your best possible partner could be your greatest financial success. Living at home during your twenties will probably really reduce the likelihood of succeeding at this. You might come out of there 5 years later with a big nest egg but also look like a really ripe sugar daddy. ---
**Author:** ![perfectparanoia](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/a5b964/32.png) [@perfectparanoia](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/perfectparanoia)\ **Post date:** [January 17, 2014, 4:46pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-embarrassing-is-living-with-your-parents/678994/129 "2014-01-17T16:46:01Z")
> [@This\_Just\_In\_2](#): > > ripe sugar daddy. Band Name. ---
**Author:** ![Tom\_Tildrum](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/e95f7d/32.png) [@Tom\_Tildrum](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Tom_Tildrum)\ **Post date:** [January 17, 2014, 5:11pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-embarrassing-is-living-with-your-parents/678994/130 "2014-01-17T17:11:32Z")
> [@VeroTrem](#): > > The main point of this thread was to assuage if it was a social taboo. As in, is it important enough that I should mention it to future friends or girlfriends? A “dealbreaker” so to say. You’ve encountered a lot incredulity and hostility in this thread, and if nothing else, the lesson I think you ought to take away from it is that the reactions of people in real life are likely to fall out along the same lines (although people generally won’t say anything to you face-to-face). ---
**Author:** ![Malthus](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/85f322/32.png) [@Malthus](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Malthus)\ **Post date:** [January 17, 2014, 5:29pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-embarrassing-is-living-with-your-parents/678994/131 "2014-01-17T17:29:18Z")
> [@monstro](#): > > I think many people would make exceptions for full-time students, **Malthus**. > > If the OP was broke, I also think the thread would have unfolded in a different way. > > But he’s not broke. He’s unemployed, true, but based on what he has said, this seems secondary to him not having enough money to buy a $700K house. > > I’m not about “shoulding” people about their lifestyle choices. But why the hell is a 20-something with no wife, no children and NO JOB worried whether his future $700K house will be right next-door to a meth lab? > > Living with his parents will only entrench these distorted views and unusual priorities. > > He doesn’t have to go out and find a “party house”. Doesn’t seem like he’s that kind of guy anyway. But it seems to me he’d be wise to experience the world a little bit and at least learn first-hand how 99% of people function. If he thinks $50K isn’t a lot of money for someone just starting off, he’s in for quite a rude awakening. Certainly. I myself rented for a solid decade before I even _considered_ buying a house in Toronto - and I had a job. In part that was because we (my then-future wife and I) got along so well with our landlords - judging by what I read, a possibly unique situation 😃 - but still! There is nothing IMO wrong with having an expensive house as one’s end goal, but it is highly unrealistic to expect to achieve that goal so very quickly. Myself, I think the thread has unfolded as it has because of antagonism towards the OP’s tone. ---
**Author:** ![Malthus](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/85f322/32.png) [@Malthus](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Malthus)\ **Post date:** [January 17, 2014, 5:34pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-embarrassing-is-living-with-your-parents/678994/132 "2014-01-17T17:34:33Z")
> [@Tom\_Tildrum](#): > > You’ve encountered a lot incredulity and hostility in this thread, and if nothing else, the lesson I think you ought to take away from it is that the reactions of people in real life are likely to fall out along the same lines (although people generally won’t say anything to you face-to-face). I wouldn’t read _too_ much into hostility received on an internet chat site in response to a request for advice. That varies radically with the board and with the tone taken by the op. Any parent who has attempted to obtain advice on, well, _anything_ child-related from the Internet, knows that. 😃 ---
**Author:** ![artemis](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/91b2a8/32.png) [@artemis](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/artemis)\ **Post date:** [January 17, 2014, 5:41pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-embarrassing-is-living-with-your-parents/678994/133 "2014-01-17T17:41:18Z")
> [@Malthus](#): > > Myself, I think the thread has unfolded as it has because of antagonism towards the OP’s tone. Absolutely, because the OP has been coming off as an entitled child rather than a mature adult. In his initial post, he implies that he’d be willing to completely mooch off his folks if they’d allow it. He seems to be shocked by the idea that as a young person just starting out in the job market he may have to settle for a different lifestyle than that of a middle-aged adult who’s had 20 years to save up money. And he seems to have a very distorted idea of what’s actually needed to live a comfortable life (live in a less expensive and less cosmopolitan place? Rent a small apartment rather than buying a house? Horrible!) Adults pay their own way in the world. If the OP decides to move back home to save money, he certainly needs to be paying his fair share of the bills (which by my reckoning comes to 33% of the household’s total operating costs). He also needs to be doing his share of the household chores. Otherwise moving back home is just a way of delaying growing up, and that’s not a good thing. ---
**Author:** ![TriPolar](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/tripolar/32/3008_2.png) [@TriPolar](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/TriPolar)\ **Post date:** [January 17, 2014, 5:43pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-embarrassing-is-living-with-your-parents/678994/134 "2014-01-17T17:43:29Z")
> [@Marley23](#): > > I’m trying to figure out how **VeroTrem** could be a well-educated and internationally-traveled young person and not know there is such a thing as renting an apartment or buying used things. It’s kind of astonishing that anyone college age would hear the words ‘get an apartment’ and think he was being advised to _buy_. That is the odd part of this thread. I admire the idea of ignoring taboos, but in this case it seems to be the least of his problems. ---
**Author:** ![Marley23](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/45deac/32.png) [@Marley23](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Marley23)\ **Post date:** [January 17, 2014, 5:52pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-embarrassing-is-living-with-your-parents/678994/135 "2014-01-17T17:52:46Z")
> [@Tom\_Tildrum](#): > > You’ve encountered a lot incredulity and hostility in this thread, and if nothing else, the lesson I think you ought to take away from it is that the reactions of people in real life are likely to fall out along the same lines (although people generally won’t say anything to you face-to-face). Most of the posters in this thread are not the OP’s peers. People his age will almost certainly look at this in a different way. That said, there’s no particular reason for the OP to live with his parents. When I moved out of home I wound up overpaying for an apartment, but I thought of my rent as a sanity tax. If I stayed with my parents for too long I was going to go nuts, and paying rent was a worthy investment. ---
**Author:** ![YogSothoth](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/y/8edcca/32.png) [@YogSothoth](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/YogSothoth)\ **Post date:** [January 17, 2014, 5:59pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-embarrassing-is-living-with-your-parents/678994/136 "2014-01-17T17:59:43Z")
Slightly embarrassing but for the money you save, you can stand to be a little embarrassed. And any girl who wouldn’t date a guy who lives at home, I think, has got a stick up her ass that points to larger parental issues that are better avoided. ---
**Author:** ![artemis](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/91b2a8/32.png) [@artemis](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/artemis)\ **Post date:** [January 17, 2014, 6:07pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-embarrassing-is-living-with-your-parents/678994/137 "2014-01-17T18:07:07Z")
> [@YogSosoth](#): > > And any girl who wouldn’t date a guy who lives at home, I think, has got a stick up her ass… No, she’s rightfully wary that she’d be dating a child in a grownup’s body rather than a mature adult. And she’s right to be wary of that! That’s a headache no one needs. ---
**Author:** ![Marley23](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/45deac/32.png) [@Marley23](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Marley23)\ **Post date:** [January 17, 2014, 6:10pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-embarrassing-is-living-with-your-parents/678994/138 "2014-01-17T18:10:18Z")
That’s overstated, but living with your parents can cramp your style when it comes to dating and things like that. If you have your own place you can pretty much do what you like. ---
**Author:** ![monstro](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/ba9def/32.png) [@monstro](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/monstro)\ **Post date:** [January 17, 2014, 6:11pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-embarrassing-is-living-with-your-parents/678994/139 "2014-01-17T18:11:46Z")
> [@stui\_magpie](#): > > I genuinely don’t understand the angst that some people seem to have over the idea of adult children living at home to save money. > > As I posted above, my kids do it. I enjoy having them around, they do their own thing and I do mine. I buy the groceries and do some cooking, they can eat what I cook when they feel like it or buy their own and cook for themselves. > > I don’t feel like I’m being taken advantage of, I’m giving them a head start that I wasn’t fortunate enough to be able to have myself, so that instead of paying dead money for rent and utilities, I provide that for them. > > Why is it considered such a bad thing? > > Mind you, if you are that way inclined there’s no one forcing you to let your kids move back home. > > To flip it around a bit more, my mum recently broke her hip and I spent a reasonable amount of money buying equipment for her (shower stool, toilet stool, walker, hand held shower etc) and doing construction work around the house to make it safer for her. When she returned home, the first thing she asked me was how much I’d spent as she wanted to pay me back. > > I just told her, “no, what goes around comes around. you looked after me financially when i was young and needed help, now it’s my turn to do the same for you”. I refused to tell her how much or take any money from her. I fully expect that my kids would do the same for me at some point in the future if they were able to. > > Why the need to boot kids out and disown them as soon as they turn 18? I plan to offer my parents any help I can provide. But I have to say, as someone who doesn’t plan on having kids, it skeeves me out that people have an expectation that their children will be there for them. The relationship between a parent and a child is not supposed to be 100% reciprocal, IMHO. A parent brings the child into the world. They are obligated and duty-bound to that child. Not for life, but at least till that child is no longer a child. A child doesn’t have such a responsibility to their parents. I don’t think they should, either. I was once reading the comments of a yahoo article (I know, dumb me) about a special retirement community for gay people. A _lovely_ commenter snarked that when she gets old, she doesn’t have to worry about seeking out such a place because her children will take care of her…and how those nasty old gays should rue the day they decided to be gay and childless. Maybe this dumb bent does have children who will be there for her. But for her to count on it? That seems pretty selfish to me. (Not saying you are doing this, of course. But your post did make me think of what she said for some strange reason). I don’t pass any judgment on families like yours. If it’s working for you, then that’s all that matters. However, there is the (slim) chance that should something happen to you, your kids would lack the wherewithal to take care of themselves. It’s nice being able to set up your own nest knowing that you can always call up Mom for advice whenever something goes awry. One’s first foray into independence can be rocky and scary even with that kind of support. ---
**Author:** ![doreen](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/858c86/32.png) [@doreen](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/doreen)\ **Post date:** [January 17, 2014, 6:19pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-embarrassing-is-living-with-your-parents/678994/140 "2014-01-17T18:19:34Z")
> [@Marley23](#): > > Most of the posters in this thread are not the OP’s peers. People his age will almost certainly look at this in a different way. I’m not so sure about that. True, I’m older than the OP but I was his age once. And had a couple of acquaintances who continued to live with their parents although they were neither students nor unemployed. They could afford to move out, but they could not afford to move out and have all the comforts of home , some of which took their parents twenty years to attain. They did not have an active social life in their twenties or thirties. Because women aren’t really interested in Peter Pan. Even their male friends had little respect for them. \* It’s different if you’re in school, if you can’t afford to move out, if your parents need caretaking or if you plan to live with your parents for a year or so after college so you can get together first and last month’s rent/pay for a wedding/buy a car while contributing to expenses. Those situations are not necessarily evidence of immaturity. Planning to live with the parents for a few years without contributing when you have a $50K nest egg and a job is another story. - and in response to **stui magpie** , they had a horrific time when they lost their parents. Fifty and sixty year old people do not take well to having to support themselves for the first time in their lives. And changing jobs/standard of living because living with the parents allowed them to live much better than they could have on their own wages. Helping your kids for a while is one thing- but if it’s too open ended, it ends up hurting them. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-embarrassing-is-living-with-your-parents/678994.md?page=6) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-embarrassing-is-living-with-your-parents/678994.md?page=8)