# How hard can I hit some-one in the face with a trout without killing them? **URL:** \ **Category:** Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share\ **Created:** [March 16, 2007, 1:51am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-hard-can-i-hit-some-one-in-the-face-with-a-trout-without-killing-them/396127 "2007-03-16T01:51:55Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 5
**Author:** ![Clothahump](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/51bf81/32.png) [@Clothahump](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Clothahump)\ **Post date:** [March 22, 2007, 2:20pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-hard-can-i-hit-some-one-in-the-face-with-a-trout-without-killing-them/396127/81 "2007-03-22T14:20:06Z")
[QUOTE=pinkfreud] My husband offered to hit me in the face with a trout, but I told him “Not tonight, I have a haddock.” [/QUOTE] GGGRRROOOOAAANNNNN! That just left me floundering. ---
**Author:** ![garygnu](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/garygnu/32/2924_2.png) [@garygnu](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/garygnu)\ **Post date:** [March 22, 2007, 3:15pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-hard-can-i-hit-some-one-in-the-face-with-a-trout-without-killing-them/396127/82 "2007-03-22T15:15:03Z")
Does one need a fish licence to [wield](http://comicoriginalart.com/galerielaqua/IMAGES/Original/animation%20art/82.gif) a [fish](http://www.xs4all.nl/~hwalther/images/opd-KingHubert.jpg)? ---
**Author:** ![Mangetout](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/mangetout/32/19_2.png) [@Mangetout](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Mangetout)\ **Post date:** [March 22, 2007, 3:20pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-hard-can-i-hit-some-one-in-the-face-with-a-trout-without-killing-them/396127/83 "2007-03-22T15:20:51Z")
Ok, I haven’t read the whole thread, but on the assumption the question has been comprehensively answered now, can I ask: How hard can I hit someone, other than in the face, with a trout, without them noticing? Armed only with a trout, how could it best be applied (to an adult human) as a lethal weapon using the minimum of force? ---
**Author:** ![xizor](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/xizor/32/102_2.png) [@xizor](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/xizor)\ **Post date:** [March 22, 2007, 3:31pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-hard-can-i-hit-some-one-in-the-face-with-a-trout-without-killing-them/396127/84 "2007-03-22T15:31:17Z")
[QUOTE=pinkfreud] My husband offered to hit me in the face with a trout, but I told him “Not tonight, I have a haddock.” [/QUOTE] And she wasn’t kidding either, cause in came the biggest, meanest looking haddock I’d ever seen come down the pike. He was covered with mussels. He came over to me, he said “Listen, shrimp, don’t you come trollin’ around here.” What a crab. This guy was steamed. I could see the anchor in his eyes. I turned to him, I said “A-balone. You’re just bein’ shellfish.” The haddock hits me with a sucker punch. I catch him with a left hook. He eels over. It was a fluke, but there he was, lyin’ on the deck, flat as a mackerel. Kelpless. (Nod to Kip Adadda, “Wet Dream”) ---
**Author:** ![Mindfield](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/mindfield/32/19759_2.png) [@Mindfield](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Mindfield)\ **Post date:** [March 22, 2007, 3:37pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-hard-can-i-hit-some-one-in-the-face-with-a-trout-without-killing-them/396127/85 "2007-03-22T15:37:08Z")
[QUOTE=Autolycus] We made Threadspotting? Now that’s fishy if you ask me. [/quote] Ha! I knew once **Tuba** smelt that bouquet of flounders we’d be a lox for it. > [@Autolycus](#): > > Oh oh, me next! 😃 I’m sorry, the trout needs a 24-hour recovery period before engaging in any further steamy fish-on-face action. Please try again later. In the mean time, please enjoy this song. _Fish on my face And tell me that you love me! I’ll fish on your face And tell you I love you too…_ ---
**Author:** ![Wile\_E](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/w/c37758/32.png) [@Wile\_E](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Wile_E)\ **Post date:** [March 22, 2007, 3:45pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-hard-can-i-hit-some-one-in-the-face-with-a-trout-without-killing-them/396127/86 "2007-03-22T15:45:22Z")
[QUOTE=Mindfield] _Mindfield slaps Wile E in the face with a hot, sexy, very naughty trout_ [/QUOTE] Oooh! Yeah, baby! A piscine kiss! ---
**Author:** ![kaylasdad99](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/kaylasdad99/32/3398_2.png) [@kaylasdad99](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/kaylasdad99)\ **Post date:** [March 22, 2007, 5:10pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-hard-can-i-hit-some-one-in-the-face-with-a-trout-without-killing-them/396127/87 "2007-03-22T17:10:46Z")
Why hasn’t anyone asked **Polycarp**? ---
**Author:** ![Corner\_Case](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/corner_case/32/234_2.png) [@Corner\_Case](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Corner_Case)\ **Post date:** [March 22, 2007, 5:36pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-hard-can-i-hit-some-one-in-the-face-with-a-trout-without-killing-them/396127/88 "2007-03-22T17:36:23Z")
Rabbi: There is no doubt that the classical tradition is the curse of boils, bats, frogs, the curse of blood, the curse of rats, hail, of beasts, the locust, of course, the death of the first-born, and then, finally, of trouts. Inspector Pike: Trouts, rabbi? Rabbi: Yes. The final curse upon the land. To end forever the sleep of man. ---
**Author:** ![alice\_in\_wonderland](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/alice_in_wonderland/32/176_2.png) [@alice\_in\_wonderland](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/alice_in_wonderland)\ **Post date:** [March 22, 2007, 5:46pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-hard-can-i-hit-some-one-in-the-face-with-a-trout-without-killing-them/396127/89 "2007-03-22T17:46:42Z")
[QUOTE=Mindfield] **You are standing in a large clearing. A strange man stands before you with an expectant look on his face. Exits are south and east. There is a trout here.** \>examine trout…etc [/quote] This is possibly the funniest thing I’ve ever read on here. ---
**Author:** ![What\_Exit](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/what_exit/32/10652_2.png) [@What\_Exit](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/What_Exit)\ **Post date:** [March 22, 2007, 5:49pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-hard-can-i-hit-some-one-in-the-face-with-a-trout-without-killing-them/396127/90 "2007-03-22T17:49:23Z")
[QUOTE=kaylasdad99] Why hasn’t anyone asked **Polycarp**? [/QUOTE] Now why would that help? After all, a bunch of Goldfish hardly compares to one large trout. ---
**Author:** ![Solfy](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/848f3c/32.png) [@Solfy](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Solfy)\ **Post date:** [March 22, 2007, 6:05pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-hard-can-i-hit-some-one-in-the-face-with-a-trout-without-killing-them/396127/91 "2007-03-22T18:05:57Z")
[QUOTE=Mindfield] **You are standing in a large clearing. A strange man stands before you with an expectant look on his face. Exits are south and east. There is a trout here.** \>examine trout [/QUOTE] _snip_ That is quite possibly the funniest thing I’ve read in about five years. Thank you. ---
**Author:** ![Mindfield](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/mindfield/32/19759_2.png) [@Mindfield](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Mindfield)\ **Post date:** [March 23, 2007, 8:31am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-hard-can-i-hit-some-one-in-the-face-with-a-trout-without-killing-them/396127/92 "2007-03-23T08:31:38Z")
**Alice** , **Soulfy** - Aw, shucks. _blushes a rather fetching shade of salmon_ _Fetches a rather shady blushing salmon_ _Smacks **Wile E** with it_ ---
**Author:** ![chowder](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/977dab/32.png) [@chowder](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/chowder)\ **Post date:** [March 23, 2007, 12:10pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-hard-can-i-hit-some-one-in-the-face-with-a-trout-without-killing-them/396127/93 "2007-03-23T12:10:00Z")
This is one whale of a thread innit? Yes I know that whales aren’t classed as fish but we’re running out of our porcine friends ---
**Author:** ![What\_Exit](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/what_exit/32/10652_2.png) [@What\_Exit](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/What_Exit)\ **Post date:** [March 23, 2007, 12:38pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-hard-can-i-hit-some-one-in-the-face-with-a-trout-without-killing-them/396127/94 "2007-03-23T12:38:02Z")
[QUOTE=chowder] This is one whale of a thread innit? Yes I know that whales aren’t classed as fish but we’re running out of our porcine friends [/QUOTE] There is a [word](http://www.answers.com/porcine&r=67) in that post that does not mean what you think it means. [Piscine](http://www.answers.com/piscine&r=67) perhaps? 😉 Jim ---
**Author:** ![Wile\_E](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/w/c37758/32.png) [@Wile\_E](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Wile_E)\ **Post date:** [March 23, 2007, 12:46pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-hard-can-i-hit-some-one-in-the-face-with-a-trout-without-killing-them/396127/95 "2007-03-23T12:46:46Z")
[QUOTE=Mindfield] **Alice** , **Soulfy** - Aw, shucks. _blushes a rather fetching shade of salmon_ _Fetches a rather shady blushing salmon_ _Smacks **Wile E** with it_ [/QUOTE] Are you flirting with me? [QUOTE=chowder] This is one whale of a thread innit? Yes I know that whales aren’t classed as fish but we’re running out of our porcine friends [/QUOTE] [QUOTE=What Exit?] There is a word in that post that does not mean what you think it means. Piscine perhaps? Jim [/QUOTE] I think he meant that the ocean’s supply of pigs is rapidly dwindling and we, as inhabitants of this planet, should speak up about this horrible environmental atrocity and Save The Ocean’s Pigs! _hops into her GreasePeace boat and heads off to stop a Pig Trawler_ ---
**Author:** ![What\_Exit](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/what_exit/32/10652_2.png) [@What\_Exit](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/What_Exit)\ **Post date:** [March 23, 2007, 12:58pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-hard-can-i-hit-some-one-in-the-face-with-a-trout-without-killing-them/396127/96 "2007-03-23T12:58:55Z")
[QUOTE=Wile E] I think he meant that the ocean’s supply of pigs is rapidly dwindling and we, as inhabitants of this planet, should speak up about this horrible environmental atrocity and Save The Ocean’s Pigs! _hops into her GreasePeace boat and heads off to stop a Pig Trawler_ [/QUOTE] Bah, I’ll believe that when Pigs Fly. ---
**Author:** ![gonzomax](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/g/e8c25b/32.png) [@gonzomax](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/gonzomax)\ **Post date:** [March 23, 2007, 3:42pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-hard-can-i-hit-some-one-in-the-face-with-a-trout-without-killing-them/396127/97 "2007-03-23T15:42:52Z")
I notice the OP says them. So if we get the Mythbusters chicken cannon properly modified we can continue. Target no 1. John Bolton. We have him sit on a perch and we select a relatively low pressure for testing. Aim for the hanging chad below his nose. You have to be careful you don’t just knock him more walleyed. Test until satisfied with power. Hard to tuna cannon. Target no.2 Cheney. This is real target. It may be necessary to use canned trout and leave in can. Turn it up high … It is possible he may just keep garring up the missles. Don’t aim at mouth. Aim at chest where heart is on most people. Sending him to the aquarium in the sky will not turn him into an angel. Just whale on him and let the chips fall. (fish and chips). ---
**Author:** ![What\_Exit](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/what_exit/32/10652_2.png) [@What\_Exit](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/What_Exit)\ **Post date:** [March 23, 2007, 3:51pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-hard-can-i-hit-some-one-in-the-face-with-a-trout-without-killing-them/396127/98 "2007-03-23T15:51:30Z")
[QUOTE=gonzomax] Target no.2 Cheney. This is real target. It may be necessary to use canned trout and leave in can. Turn it up high .. It is possible he may just keep garring up the missles. Don’t aim at mouth. Aim at chest where heart is on most people. Sending him to the aquarium in the sky will not turn him into an angel. Just whale on him and let the chips fall. (fish and chips). [/QUOTE] I have always understood you cannot slay the undead with a mere can of trout. I think we need something like a harpoon gun for the trout to travel on with of course the wooden harpoon & Trout going through his heart. Jim ---
**Author:** ![chowder](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/977dab/32.png) [@chowder](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/chowder)\ **Post date:** [March 23, 2007, 5:06pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-hard-can-i-hit-some-one-in-the-face-with-a-trout-without-killing-them/396127/99 "2007-03-23T17:06:40Z")
[QUOTE=What Exit?] There is a [word](http://www.answers.com/porcine&r=67) in that post that does not mean what you think it means. [Piscine](http://www.answers.com/piscine&r=67) perhaps? 😉 Jim [/QUOTE] Oh Bugger :smack: :smack: Wait.. I was thinking of a pigfish…c’mon we’ve all heard of it :dubious: ---
**Author:** ![Autolycus](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/22d042/32.png) [@Autolycus](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Autolycus)\ **Post date:** [March 23, 2007, 6:49pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-hard-can-i-hit-some-one-in-the-face-with-a-trout-without-killing-them/396127/100 "2007-03-23T18:49:38Z")
[QUOTE=chowder] Oh Bugger :smack: :smack: Wait.. I was thinking of a pigfish…c’mon we’ve all heard of it :dubious: [/QUOTE] I got your back 😉 Behold, [The Pigfish!](http://www.fishing-boating.com/baitprofiles/pigfish.htm) Btw, I’m having you for lunch! [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-hard-can-i-hit-some-one-in-the-face-with-a-trout-without-killing-them/396127.md?page=4) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-hard-can-i-hit-some-one-in-the-face-with-a-trout-without-killing-them/396127.md?page=6)