# How hard would you press your loved one to get treatment for cancer? **URL:** \ **Category:** In My Humble Opinion\ **Created:** [September 6, 2016, 5:03pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-hard-would-you-press-your-loved-one-to-get-treatment-for-cancer/765197 "2016-09-06T17:03:26Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 6\ **Page:** 3
**Author:** ![48Willys](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/4/db5fbb/32.png) [@48Willys](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/48Willys)\ **Post date:** [September 11, 2016, 1:19am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-hard-would-you-press-your-loved-one-to-get-treatment-for-cancer/765197/41 "2016-09-11T01:19:56Z")
> [@Tapiotar](#): > > I’m so sorry that the grief over losing your mother is compounded by guilt and second-guessing. You did your best. If you had sent her to the hospital, maybe she would have died there, in misery, rather than peacefully at home. You just don’t know. > > If it helps at all, my mother’s greatest fear is of being tortured to death in the hospital, the way her sister was. Won’t go into the story here and now, but the word “torture” is not an exaggeration. My mother would vastly prefer to go the way your mother did, rather than be sent to the hospital. **My mother would definitely say you did the right thing.** I agree with Tapiotar & her mother, there was no way that you could tell what was coming. You did the right thing. My FIL, had lung cancer as well as many other kinds of cancer. My wife & I were his caregivers. Like your mom, he had a “good” day and we left him watching a meteor shower while we cleaned up his room. When we returned to put him to bed, he was worse. He asked us to wait for the next morning to take him in to see the doctor. In the morning we found that he had passed on during the night. We did what you did & I am glad that he went after a pleasant evening watching the stars. I have no guilty feelings at all, nor should you. IHTH, 48 Willys. ---
**Author:** ![RandMcnally](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/b782af/32.png) [@RandMcnally](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/RandMcnally)\ **Post date:** [September 11, 2016, 1:42am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-hard-would-you-press-your-loved-one-to-get-treatment-for-cancer/765197/42 "2016-09-11T01:42:29Z")
Depends on the type and quality of life. If it’d only extended a few miserable months then I wouldn’t push it. Anyone less bad then I’d be obnoxious about it. We have a 3 year old girl. ---
**Author:** ![Maradona](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/a88e4f/32.png) [@Maradona](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Maradona)\ **Post date:** [September 15, 2016, 10:34am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-hard-would-you-press-your-loved-one-to-get-treatment-for-cancer/765197/43 "2016-09-15T10:34:30Z")
In my particular case, I made two decisions within a week, with a success rate (if you can call that) of 50%. Mother - Stage 2 Pancreatic cancer. Post surgery and chemo, they did a test and found that it was all too late and cancer had spread to the liver. It was Sept 15, 2015. Mother did agree to a short radiation therapy at my pressure, but firmly said she doesn’t want any more chemo. She only took pain medication until she passed away relatively peacefully Jan 2016. I pushed her for the surgery, chemo and radio therapy but probably made the right decision in letting nature takes its course. Father – Couple of days after mother was diagnosed with Liver mets, Father was taken to hospital with suspected appendicitis. Unfortunately it was a non-cancerous tumor burst resulting in a serious case of Sepsis. One month down the line he came home with double colostomy. Pushed to get the Colostomy reversed and the surgery backfired. He was in ICU for one month and in hospital for over 6 months with complications resulting in bed sores. After four major surgeries and four skin grafts, he is in a sort of assisted living with a permanent Ileostomy. He was in ICU at the time my mother passed away and only got to know about it through the psychiatrist (treated for depression) four months later. I often wonder if I didn’t take him to hospital for suspected appendicitis, he would have passed away peacefully at home without ever going through the torture that he has been through. What seems like the obvious right thing to do at that moment seems like a massive mistake few months down the line… I miss my mother so much… ---
**Author:** ![Helena330](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/helena330/32/531_2.png) [@Helena330](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Helena330)\ **Post date:** [September 15, 2016, 10:14pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-hard-would-you-press-your-loved-one-to-get-treatment-for-cancer/765197/44 "2016-09-15T22:14:28Z")
> [@Omega\_Glory](#): > > No it’s okay to keep it there. Sharing all that hit me harder than I’d expected it to, and I kind of thought I could bottle everything back up by deleting the post and not thinking about it anymore, but it’s out there and it does help to hear that other people would’ve made the same choice. I know that, rationally. Maybe someday I’ll feel it, too. **Omega** , I was in a pretty bad state with cancer, and there were times I felt like it would be so easy to just let go and die. Obviously, I didn’t, but it made me realize that there are worse things than slipping away like your mom did. She was going to die anyway. A few days or months wouldn’t change that, and most likely they would’ve been filled with pain, fear, and suffering. She went peacefully, at home with you nearby, and I think that’s a blessing. Ultimately, it was _her_ decision, not yours, anyway. She made it on her terms when she chose not to go to the hospital. Hugs. I’m so sorry you lost her. ---
**Author:** ![Sage\_Rat](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/sage_rat/32/399_2.png) [@Sage\_Rat](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Sage_Rat)\ **Post date:** [September 15, 2016, 10:23pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-hard-would-you-press-your-loved-one-to-get-treatment-for-cancer/765197/45 "2016-09-15T22:23:43Z")
I have to assume that the husband, in the OP, believed that alternative medicines were just as effective as scientific ones. Otherwise, I just don’t see how his acquiescence makes sense. As to myself, if we were both pretty old and it seemed like the most probable outcome would be an undignified, miserable death I’d probably be willing to go with a minimal fuss attempt at saving her. But if we’re both young and the prospects are good, I’d try do everything up to straight-up begging, haggling, blackmailing, etc. to get my spouse to do whatever was needed. ---
**Author:** ![Velocity](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/velocity/32/18006_2.png) [@Velocity](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Velocity)\ **Post date:** [September 15, 2016, 10:25pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-hard-would-you-press-your-loved-one-to-get-treatment-for-cancer/765197/46 "2016-09-15T22:25:37Z")
> [@Maradona](#): > > \*\*Father was taken to hospital with suspected appendicitis. Unfortunately it was a non-cancerous tumor burst resulting in a serious case of Sepsis. \*\*One month down the line he came home with double colostomy. Pushed to get the Colostomy reversed and the surgery backfired. He was in ICU for one month and in hospital for over 6 months with complications resulting in bed sores. After four major surgeries and four skin grafts, he is in a sort of assisted living with a permanent Ileostomy. He was in ICU at the time my mother passed away and only got to know about it through the psychiatrist (treated for depression) four months later. > > I often wonder **if I didn’t take him to hospital** for suspected appendicitis, he would have \*\*passed away peacefully at home without ever going through the torture that he has been through. \*\* > . Dying of sepsis at home would not have been peaceful/painless, though. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-hard-would-you-press-your-loved-one-to-get-treatment-for-cancer/765197.md?page=2)