# How in the world would you handle this friend/girlfriend situation? **URL:** \ **Category:** In My Humble Opinion\ **Created:** [June 27, 2005, 3:00am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-in-the-world-would-you-handle-this-friend-girlfriend-situation/309983 "2005-06-27T03:00:58Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 2
**Author:** ![flyboy](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/f/4da419/32.png) [@flyboy](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/flyboy)\ **Post date:** [June 28, 2005, 1:32am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-in-the-world-would-you-handle-this-friend-girlfriend-situation/309983/21 "2005-06-28T01:32:17Z")
> [@wasson](#): > > Or maybe I’m making it more complicated than it needs to be. That may be the sanest thing you’ve posted yet. Just remember to let us know how it goes when (not if) you make this happen. ---
**Author:** ![John\_Carter\_of\_Mars](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/j/2bfe46/32.png) [@John\_Carter\_of\_Mars](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/John_Carter_of_Mars)\ **Post date:** [June 28, 2005, 4:53am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-in-the-world-would-you-handle-this-friend-girlfriend-situation/309983/22 "2005-06-28T04:53:20Z")
What do you want from her?? 😕 To date her? WTF? You are already dating her. You are going to movies with her. You took her to your company picnic. You go to carnivals and festivals with her. Those are dates! Friends are someone you drink coffee with and discuss ballgames or politics with whilst enjoying the dregs. The girl you take to the movies, your company picnics and parties; the girl you have make-out sessions with (drunk or sober) is a DATE! Do you want an exclusive, committed relationship with her? If so, tell her you’d like it if both of you agreed not to go out with anyone else. If all you want is a few dates with her, well, you are already having them. Again: 😕 What do you want? ---
**Author:** ![Aangelica](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/b2d939/32.png) [@Aangelica](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Aangelica)\ **Post date:** [June 28, 2005, 3:39pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-in-the-world-would-you-handle-this-friend-girlfriend-situation/309983/23 "2005-06-28T15:39:56Z")
Follow these steps: 1. pick up phone 2. call the Girl 3. say “I would like to take you out on a real, honest-to-Betsy date, what do you think?” 4. wait for an answer. You’re making this a lot more complicated than it need be. You two are sort of in relationship limbo at the moment - doing date-like things without an acknowledged dating relationship. I wouldn’t be surprised if she’s looking for signals from _you_, and even less surprised if you were giving mixed ones to her. In either case, you should either fish or cut bait, and the way to do that is to refer to the top of this post and follow the instructions therein. You’re not dumb - you’re currently lacking in testicular fortitude. ---
**Author:** ![Man\_With\_a\_Cat](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/cab0a1/32.png) [@Man\_With\_a\_Cat](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Man_With_a_Cat)\ **Post date:** [June 28, 2005, 3:54pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-in-the-world-would-you-handle-this-friend-girlfriend-situation/309983/24 "2005-06-28T15:54:33Z")
Or just kiss her while you’re both sober the way you do when you’re drunk. Her reaction to that will tell you everything you want to know. If she asks why you did that, then go with just asking her out straight up. Then kiss her again. ---
**Author:** ![ZipperJJ](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/zipperjj/32/211_2.png) [@ZipperJJ](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/ZipperJJ)\ **Post date:** [June 28, 2005, 8:51pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-in-the-world-would-you-handle-this-friend-girlfriend-situation/309983/25 "2005-06-28T20:51:09Z")
I’ve been in your position twice now. Currently I AM in one. You gotta ask her out. Tell her how you feel. IF she says no AND doesn’t want to be friends anymore, or you think everything is weird now…it’s cool. Go away. Yeah it’s gonna hurt like a bitch for a good long while but the longer you are in a unrequited love relationship the more you’ll hate yourself at the end. For me, it is too hard to be with someone friendly when I love them and they don’t love me back. Because you never know when you’ll get that “I have a boyfriend/girlfriend now” talk and you will be devistated. I told the last dude I was with that I loved him. He told me he didn’t love me. I made the mistake of sticking around anyway, letting myself be there for him “as a friend” for too long, and was CRUSHED when he found someone else. If nothing else, it made me look like a fool and feel miserable. I felt the same thing happening with the dude I am currently trying to be with. I finally got up the guts to say “I can’t be with you as friends if you can’t be with me romantically. It hurts me too much.” And that was the truth. I blew him off. It was a catastrophe for a couple days and then (yesterday :D) he understood what I meant and we’re giving it a better try. So yay 🙂 ---
**Author:** ![Rashak\_Mani](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/ea666f/32.png) [@Rashak\_Mani](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Rashak_Mani)\ **Post date:** [June 28, 2005, 8:51pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-in-the-world-would-you-handle-this-friend-girlfriend-situation/309983/26 "2005-06-28T20:51:10Z")
hhmm… people are being to polite here… besides calling and kissing her… _Fuck her brains out !_ Good sex is the basis of all healthy long term relationships. 😛 We men have all been goofy and doubtful in our lives. Now is the time to throw your fears away and get it done. If half of what you say is true she seems quite fond of you… just nudge it a bit more. ``` IF... and its a big "if"... you do get a "No". Do remember that she will in a short time be your friend again. She will just take your advances as some sort of momentary desperation of sorts. But don't take any longer please. ``` ---
**Author:** ![wasson](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/w/4da419/32.png) [@wasson](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/wasson)\ **Post date:** [June 28, 2005, 9:11pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-in-the-world-would-you-handle-this-friend-girlfriend-situation/309983/27 "2005-06-28T21:11:39Z")
Alright, you’re all right. I know it. I was just looking for some “you’re stupid if you don’t do it” validation. So she and I will have “The Talk” somewhat soonish. Remember in that first thread how she and one of my best friends had a fling a couple years back? Well, the dude is getting married on Saturday and both she and I are standing in it (I’m the best man). So I think our talk will need to wait until after Saturday. But as soon as possible after that, I promise I’ll ask her out and report back the results. Thanks everyone. (and if anyone wants to add to this thread with happy stories about how they asked out their friend and got married and lived happily ever after and/or wants to tell me there’s no way this could go bad, that’s always appreciated) ---
**Author:** ![capybara](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/capybara/32/202_2.png) [@capybara](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/capybara)\ **Post date:** [June 28, 2005, 10:32pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-in-the-world-would-you-handle-this-friend-girlfriend-situation/309983/28 "2005-06-28T22:32:33Z")
Oh, jeez! Saturday is EXACTLY the day you need to do this! It’s a wedding! It’s romantic! It might make her think that given the romanticism of the day and twue wuv and all that crap you looked at her and suddenly realized it was right and acted on your epiphany like a Real Man, and that you haven’t been a flaky wuss for months. You’ll be in the same place in an unusual circumstance charged with emotion. Saturday is the day. ---
**Author:** ![RickJay](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/bb73d2/32.png) [@RickJay](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/RickJay)\ **Post date:** [June 28, 2005, 11:07pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-in-the-world-would-you-handle-this-friend-girlfriend-situation/309983/29 "2005-06-28T23:07:38Z")
> [@wasson](#): > > I know, man, I’m trying. But take some emotional stupidity and add that to not wanting to ruin a good thing It’s not a good thing when you’re constantly torn over your feelings for her. No matter what the end result is, you will end up regretting every single day you spent NOT deciding this issue. ---
**Author:** ![John\_Carter\_of\_Mars](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/j/2bfe46/32.png) [@John\_Carter\_of\_Mars](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/John_Carter_of_Mars)\ **Post date:** [June 29, 2005, 1:31am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-in-the-world-would-you-handle-this-friend-girlfriend-situation/309983/30 "2005-06-29T01:31:36Z")
> [@mr bus guy](#): > > Or just kiss her while you’re both sober the way you do when you’re drunk. > > Her reaction to that will tell you everything you want to know. Ding! Ding! Ding! We have a winnah! As **capybara** said, Do It Saturday! And if guilt trips work for you, don’t you think you’re being very unfair to her? She’s interested or she’d have split before now. You’ve strung her out long enough, with mixed signals and unclear statements. You owe her an honest statement about your feelings. Good luck **Saturday**. Do it Saturday. Did you hear “Do. It. Saturday?” ---
**Author:** ![Cat\_Whisperer](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/cat_whisperer/32/4839_2.png) [@Cat\_Whisperer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Cat_Whisperer)\ **Post date:** [June 29, 2005, 4:23am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-in-the-world-would-you-handle-this-friend-girlfriend-situation/309983/31 "2005-06-29T04:23:13Z")
Do it Saturday. ---
**Author:** ![wasson](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/w/4da419/32.png) [@wasson](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/wasson)\ **Post date:** [June 29, 2005, 6:53am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-in-the-world-would-you-handle-this-friend-girlfriend-situation/309983/32 "2005-06-29T06:53:54Z")
Really? At a buddy’s wedding? A buddy she used to have a thing for? That’s not inappropriate? You’re right though, that I’ve probably been sending more mixed signals than I’ve been receiving. It ain’t fair to her or me. I’ll do it. Saturday though? A buddy’s wedding? Where we’ll have no privacy or time to talk alone? I can’t make any promises about Saturday. Should I really do it Saturday? ---
**Author:** ![AngelicGemma](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/439d5e/32.png) [@AngelicGemma](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/AngelicGemma)\ **Post date:** [June 29, 2005, 10:40am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-in-the-world-would-you-handle-this-friend-girlfriend-situation/309983/33 "2005-06-29T10:40:49Z")
> [@wasson](#): > > Should I really do it Saturday? Don’t force it. If you get the opportunity to do it, then go for it. If the right moment doesn’t seem to happen at the wedding, do it another day. ---
**Author:** ![John\_Carter\_of\_Mars](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/j/2bfe46/32.png) [@John\_Carter\_of\_Mars](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/John_Carter_of_Mars)\ **Post date:** [June 29, 2005, 12:34pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-in-the-world-would-you-handle-this-friend-girlfriend-situation/309983/34 "2005-06-29T12:34:19Z")
> [@wasson](#): > > Really? At a buddy’s wedding? A buddy she used to have a thing for? That’s not inappropriate? No. > [@wasson](#): > > Should I really do it Saturday? Yes. Saturday’s a long day. There will be plenty of chances for you to make your move. “Inappropriate” as used above is just another excuse for you to procrastinate and wimp out yet again… What’s the matter, don’t you _LIKE_ kissing this girl? Do it Saturday. ---
**Author:** ![Cat\_Whisperer](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/cat_whisperer/32/4839_2.png) [@Cat\_Whisperer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Cat_Whisperer)\ **Post date:** [June 29, 2005, 1:13pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-in-the-world-would-you-handle-this-friend-girlfriend-situation/309983/35 "2005-06-29T13:13:38Z")
You can probably find time to talk to her later in the evening, when things are winding down. Drive her home or something. Do it Saturday. ---
**Author:** ![Man\_With\_a\_Cat](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/cab0a1/32.png) [@Man\_With\_a\_Cat](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Man_With_a_Cat)\ **Post date:** [June 29, 2005, 1:23pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-in-the-world-would-you-handle-this-friend-girlfriend-situation/309983/36 "2005-06-29T13:23:29Z")
> [@featherlou](#): > > You can probably find time to talk to her later in the evening, when things are winding down. Drive her home or something. > > Do it Saturday. Do it Saturday. But I’m going to reiterate: do it sober. Even if it means early in the day, it IS a wedding after all. First thing when you see her in her bridesmaid dress, stop, giver her a “whoa” or something like that, and kiss her there, with no one else looking. Set the tone. ---
**Author:** ![Rashak\_Mani](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/ea666f/32.png) [@Rashak\_Mani](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Rashak_Mani)\ **Post date:** [June 29, 2005, 1:33pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-in-the-world-would-you-handle-this-friend-girlfriend-situation/309983/37 "2005-06-29T13:33:25Z")
Yep Wedding are romantic and women feel especially worried when they see others getting married. So do it saturday if it feels right. Slow and easy… but do it ! Or we will refuse to talk to you any further in the SMDB ! 😉 Post a picture to prove you did it … 😛 ---
**Author:** ![Thanata360](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/9e8a1a/32.png) [@Thanata360](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Thanata360)\ **Post date:** [June 29, 2005, 5:03pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-in-the-world-would-you-handle-this-friend-girlfriend-situation/309983/38 "2005-06-29T17:03:32Z")
Eh, I somewhat disagree with the vote that it’s not inappropriate on Saturday. Handle it carefully if you do, I guess. My suggestion is to ask her flat out, the line you had in your OP is actually pretty good, with some addition of compliments and assurance that you really would like it to be her. Anyway, if she’s stunned by the question, kiss her, sweetly. If she’s not stunned and answers yes, kiss her…well, less ‘sweetly’. 😃 I kinda doubt you’ll get a ‘no’, if all you’re asking for is a chance, a date. Good luck, yo. I’ll send good luck vibes your way. ---
**Author:** ![\_Deep\_F\_ied](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/_/7cd45c/32.png) [@\_Deep\_F\_ied](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/_Deep_F_ied)\ **Post date:** [June 29, 2005, 5:47pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-in-the-world-would-you-handle-this-friend-girlfriend-situation/309983/39 "2005-06-29T17:47:23Z")
I’ve been following this from afar and feel I must join in the chorus. Do it at the wedding. Do it when you are both sober. Best of luck. ---
**Author:** ![Girl\_From\_Mars](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/g/3da27b/32.png) [@Girl\_From\_Mars](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Girl_From_Mars)\ **Post date:** [June 29, 2005, 6:21pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-in-the-world-would-you-handle-this-friend-girlfriend-situation/309983/40 "2005-06-29T18:21:43Z")
I’m not sure about doing it at the wedding; your problem so far is that you have been approaching this situation when there is the possibility for mixed signals - ‘hanging out’ instead of dating, kissing when drunk etc - all things that can be laughed off as ‘we’re just playing at it’. I have a feeling the wedding may be the same sort of confusion - everyone feels a little more romantic/nervous/ desperate/insert own emotion here, and I don’t know if you need more mixed signals. No, you’ve made your mind up to do it - now pick a time that feels right and unforced (preferably this year!) and ask the question soberly and honestly. And I hope it goes well for you. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-in-the-world-would-you-handle-this-friend-girlfriend-situation/309983.md?page=1) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-in-the-world-would-you-handle-this-friend-girlfriend-situation/309983.md?page=3)