# How long is a woman likely to "stay in love" after (involuntary) separation? **URL:** \ **Category:** Cafe Society\ **Created:** [October 24, 2016, 8:29pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-long-is-a-woman-likely-to-stay-in-love-after-involuntary-separation/769623 "2016-10-24T20:29:33Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 1
**Author:** ![Velocity](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/velocity/32/18006_2.png) [@Velocity](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Velocity)\ **Post date:** [October 24, 2016, 8:29pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-long-is-a-woman-likely-to-stay-in-love-after-involuntary-separation/769623/1 "2016-10-24T20:29:33Z")
I’m writing fiction and the subplot involves two lovers who are separated by circumstances against their will and have no way of contacting each other; in fact, don’t even know that the other still lives. (One resides in an impoverished dictatorship and has no technological means of contacting or being contacted.) At the time they were separated, their assumption was that they’d never see or hear from the other again. After 3 years (or 2, or 4, or 6 years - still working on this fiction timeline), they unexpectedly meet again. In my story, they are/were still in love even after all this time, but I’m wondering how realistic this is. A man might still be holding on to an old flame, but would a woman be more likely to have dropped the issue completely and have no such feelings by then? ---
**Author:** ![Sattua](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/sattua/32/11906_2.png) [@Sattua](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Sattua)\ **Post date:** [October 24, 2016, 8:38pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-long-is-a-woman-likely-to-stay-in-love-after-involuntary-separation/769623/2 "2016-10-24T20:38:21Z")
This wholly depends on the individual personality of the woman. Really. It does. As a writer, it’s up to you to 1. decide and 2. convince us. ---
**Author:** ![ivylass](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/i/9de053/32.png) [@ivylass](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/ivylass)\ **Post date:** [October 24, 2016, 8:41pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-long-is-a-woman-likely-to-stay-in-love-after-involuntary-separation/769623/3 "2016-10-24T20:41:26Z")
Well, Diana Gabaldon made it work in _Outlander_ with a twenty year separation. 😃 Convince us of their love and commitment and dedication, then we’ll believe it. ---
**Author:** ![Velocity](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/velocity/32/18006_2.png) [@Velocity](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Velocity)\ **Post date:** [October 24, 2016, 8:45pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-long-is-a-woman-likely-to-stay-in-love-after-involuntary-separation/769623/4 "2016-10-24T20:45:11Z")
> [@Sattua](#): > > This wholly depends on the individual personality of the woman. Really. It does. > > As a writer, it’s up to you to 1. decide and 2. convince us. While people have individual personalities, men and women do generally behave differently - same for cultural or religious or racial differences. It would be a cop-out (on my part) to write as if the differences didn’t exist. ---
**Author:** ![Eureka](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/74df32/32.png) [@Eureka](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Eureka)\ **Post date:** [October 24, 2016, 8:57pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-long-is-a-woman-likely-to-stay-in-love-after-involuntary-separation/769623/5 "2016-10-24T20:57:18Z")
I’m in agreement with **Sattua**. Especially after a measly three years (or two or six). Even if the expectation was that they might/would never meet again. Depends on personality, and possibly on circumstances-- were there a lot of opportunities to meet new beloveds? ---
**Author:** ![Gatopescado](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/gatopescado/32/5711_2.png) [@Gatopescado](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Gatopescado)\ **Post date:** [October 24, 2016, 9:03pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-long-is-a-woman-likely-to-stay-in-love-after-involuntary-separation/769623/6 "2016-10-24T21:03:32Z")
Involuntary separation? Like, with a crowbar? ---
**Author:** ![ZipperJJ](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/zipperjj/32/211_2.png) [@ZipperJJ](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/ZipperJJ)\ **Post date:** [October 24, 2016, 9:06pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-long-is-a-woman-likely-to-stay-in-love-after-involuntary-separation/769623/7 "2016-10-24T21:06:26Z")
It is 3.24 years for the female and surprisingly only a tad bit longer at 5.01 years for the male. ---
**Author:** ![even\_sven](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/dfb087/32.png) [@even\_sven](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/even_sven)\ **Post date:** [October 24, 2016, 9:33pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-long-is-a-woman-likely-to-stay-in-love-after-involuntary-separation/769623/8 "2016-10-24T21:33:49Z")
It’s an individual thing, not a gender thing. But I will say the chances of two people being separated and staying equally in love seems pretty slim. I’d guess at least on party will need some time to warm up to the idea of being reunited. ---
**Author:** ![Scougs](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/scougs/32/3158_2.png) [@Scougs](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Scougs)\ **Post date:** [October 24, 2016, 9:46pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-long-is-a-woman-likely-to-stay-in-love-after-involuntary-separation/769623/9 "2016-10-24T21:46:22Z")
It can happen. You meet again, the years melt away, and bam! You’re just as much in love as you were when you separated. It’s an issue I have with the plots of The Dead Zone, Miss Saigon, Cast Away (and others, I’m sure) is how quickly one party moved on. ---
**Author:** ![RivkahChaya](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/rivkahchaya/32/8919_2.png) [@RivkahChaya](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/RivkahChaya)\ **Post date:** [October 24, 2016, 9:46pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-long-is-a-woman-likely-to-stay-in-love-after-involuntary-separation/769623/10 "2016-10-24T21:46:44Z")
My aunt’s parents were involuntary separated during the war, and for a little over a year one did not know if the other was alive. After contacting each other in a displaced persons’ camp they made the decision to continue separately for a while longer while one of them took their two youngest children to the US (there was an opportunity to do so that might not come up again, and the very youngest was greatly in need of medical attention), while the other would stay in Europe to find out what happened to their other children, and the hope was restore them to the family. Two turned out to be dead, and this was discovered pretty quickly, and one was found after not much searching, but one took almost 18 months to track down, then it took another year to get permission to go to the US, and get travel booked, etc. Altogether, they were apart for nearly 4 years. During the second separation, they could write, though. They were finally reunited as a family with their four children who were still alive, and their marriage lasted another 30 years, until her death. They always seemed in love to me-- very devoted. They walked together arm in arm everywhere. He was a strong and happy man to be around; the kind of guy children loved. He is still middle-aged in my memory, not old, because he really didn’t get old until after she died, but he went into a sharp decline afterwards. He only lived five more years after she died. ---
**Author:** ![Velocity](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/velocity/32/18006_2.png) [@Velocity](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Velocity)\ **Post date:** [October 24, 2016, 10:16pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-long-is-a-woman-likely-to-stay-in-love-after-involuntary-separation/769623/11 "2016-10-24T22:16:47Z")
> [@Gatopescado](#): > > Involuntary separation? Like, with a crowbar? One is deported or - more accurately, “sent out” from the country by the regime government. ---
**Author:** ![Velocity](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/velocity/32/18006_2.png) [@Velocity](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Velocity)\ **Post date:** [October 24, 2016, 10:20pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-long-is-a-woman-likely-to-stay-in-love-after-involuntary-separation/769623/12 "2016-10-24T22:20:06Z")
> [@RivkahChaya](#): > > My aunt’s parents were involuntary separated during the war, and for a little over a year one did not know if the other was alive. After contacting each other in a displaced persons’ camp they made the decision to continue separately for a while longer while one of them took their two youngest children to the US (there was an opportunity to do so that might not come up again, and the very youngest was greatly in need of medical attention), while the other would stay in Europe to find out what happened to their other children, and the hope was restore them to the family. Two turned out to be dead, and this was discovered pretty quickly, and one was found after not much searching, but one took almost 18 months to track down, then it took another year to get permission to go to the US, and get travel booked, etc. > > Altogether, they were apart for nearly 4 years. During the second separation, they could write, though. > > They were finally reunited as a family with their four children who were still alive, and their marriage lasted another 30 years, until her death. > > They always seemed in love to me-- very devoted. They walked together arm in arm everywhere. He was a strong and happy man to be around; the kind of guy children loved. He is still middle-aged in my memory, not old, because he really didn’t get old until after she died, but he went into a sharp decline afterwards. He only lived five more years after she died. Wonderful response! Thanks. ---
**Author:** ![Rushgeekgirl](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/rushgeekgirl/32/3715_2.png) [@Rushgeekgirl](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Rushgeekgirl)\ **Post date:** [October 24, 2016, 10:26pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-long-is-a-woman-likely-to-stay-in-love-after-involuntary-separation/769623/13 "2016-10-24T22:26:06Z")
It’s been about 5 and a half years since my SO was deported. I haven’t spoken to him since November of last year. I have no idea where he is, or if he’s with someone else or if he’s even alive. Last time we talked he was dealing with some serious health problems and alcoholism so it’s possible he isn’t alive. I don’t even know how I’d find out. I still love him. I still feel like we are a family, like he’s just trapped somewhere far away and I probably won’t ever see him again but if he came back it would be like he was never gone, I’m afraid. I don’t know, but I think that’s probably what would happen. I just can’t be with anyone else. I’m lonely as hell but I’m lonely for him. ---
**Author:** ![RivkahChaya](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/rivkahchaya/32/8919_2.png) [@RivkahChaya](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/RivkahChaya)\ **Post date:** [October 24, 2016, 10:43pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-long-is-a-woman-likely-to-stay-in-love-after-involuntary-separation/769623/14 "2016-10-24T22:43:08Z")
Just a little more information about my aunt’s parents-- they had a brokered marriage, which isn’t quite like an arranged marriage. Their parents contacted brokers when they felt their children were ready to marry, and the broker took a lot of information from the parents and the children, and looked over the people she knew, and consulted with other brokers, and came up with a few people. The family would then ask to meet two or three, and if the children liked each other, and the parents approved, the children would have a couple of chaperoned dates. If it all seemed to be going well, then the wedding would be arranged. In other words, it was more like a low-tech [Match.com](http://Match.com), than an arranged marriage where two children might be promised to each other as babies, and have no say in the matter. The major difference is that the parents checked each other out pretty thoroughly. No criminals in the immediate family, no suicides, not an inordinate number of infant deaths and miscarriages, no beggars, parents and prospective spouse were observant. I don’t really know what would have put the kibosh on a marriage if the couple really, really liked each other, I just know that those are generally the kinds of things people historically wanted to know about. \*\* Also, just so everyone knows, I am not defending the practice, merely reporting on it.\*\* Anyway, FWIW, it worked for them. They’d been married for maybe 15 or so years, and had six living children when the war drove them into hiding. I’m not sure exactly how long their marriage was, but I remember their big 50th anniversary bash. ---
**Author:** ![RivkahChaya](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/rivkahchaya/32/8919_2.png) [@RivkahChaya](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/RivkahChaya)\ **Post date:** [October 24, 2016, 10:44pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-long-is-a-woman-likely-to-stay-in-love-after-involuntary-separation/769623/15 "2016-10-24T22:44:17Z")
> [@Rushgeekgirl](#): > > It’s been about 5 and a half years since my SO was deported. I haven’t spoken to him since November of last year. I have no idea where he is, or if he’s with someone else or if he’s even alive. Last time we talked he was dealing with some serious health problems and alcoholism so it’s possible he isn’t alive. I don’t even know how I’d find out. > > I still love him. I still feel like we are a family, like he’s just trapped somewhere far away and I probably won’t ever see him again but if he came back it would be like he was never gone, I’m afraid. I don’t know, but I think that’s probably what would happen. I just can’t be with anyone else. I’m lonely as hell but I’m lonely for him. I’m sorry for this. I hope you get some kind of resolution. ---
**Author:** ![RealityChuck](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/realitychuck/32/195_2.png) [@RealityChuck](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/RealityChuck)\ **Post date:** [October 24, 2016, 10:48pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-long-is-a-woman-likely-to-stay-in-love-after-involuntary-separation/769623/16 "2016-10-24T22:48:54Z")
**RivkahChaya** has touched on a major point: Millions of men were involuntarily separated from their wives/lovers, etc. when they went to fight WWII. Some got together after the war; some did not. There is no number. Not to mention [true stories](http://www.express.co.uk/life-style/life/556600/Second-chance-couples)of people meeting the childhood sweethearts after many years and getting together. **Sattua** has hit the target exactly. You’re the goddamn writer. Pick any amount of time you want and then make it believable. That’s your job, and if you want any success at all, you’re going to have to learn how to do it. ---
**Author:** ![ivylass](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/i/9de053/32.png) [@ivylass](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/ivylass)\ **Post date:** [October 25, 2016, 12:34pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-long-is-a-woman-likely-to-stay-in-love-after-involuntary-separation/769623/17 "2016-10-25T12:34:00Z")
It may be easier if there’s a child. The mother may feel a stronger bond during the separation if she’s caring for his child. ---
**Author:** ![brainstall](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/35a633/32.png) [@brainstall](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/brainstall)\ **Post date:** [October 25, 2016, 1:16pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-long-is-a-woman-likely-to-stay-in-love-after-involuntary-separation/769623/18 "2016-10-25T13:16:05Z")
Why would you think it possible that a man might still be in love, but a woman wouldn’t? We’re not some alien species. When my boyfriend and I broke up fifteen or so years ago, we both moved on to different relationships and lived our lives, though we remained friends and stayed in touch. He did something that made me angry, so I didn’t contact him for three years. When he reached out and emailed me one day, asking if I wanted to reconnect, and did I still even want to be friends my response was, " I love you still as I have always loved you." We’ve been happily together again now for almost two years. On the other hand, a few years ago I connected through facebook with the guy I had pined for through most of my twenties. We spent some time together, are still friends, but I am now totally over being in love with him. ---
**Author:** ![RealityChuck](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/realitychuck/32/195_2.png) [@RealityChuck](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/RealityChuck)\ **Post date:** [October 25, 2016, 1:54pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-long-is-a-woman-likely-to-stay-in-love-after-involuntary-separation/769623/19 "2016-10-25T13:54:08Z")
This is a rough example of how to do it: “Excuse me. Aren’t you Janet West?” Janet prefered to eat lunch alone ever since Harold died. But the voice was oddly familiar. She looked up. The face was familiar, too. “It’s Tom Debiasi,” he said. He smiled and the expression raised a thousand buried memories “I don’t know if you remember me.” Remember him! God, how many times had she thought about Tom in the past 19 years? She had been sure he was going to propose to her, but when her mother got sick, she had to quit college to rush back home. The cancer took a year to clear and by that time, Tom had graduated and she lost track of them completely. But even after she had married Bill, she found herself thinking about Tom in odd moments, of his touch, his laugh, his smile… The smile he was smiling now. “Of course, I remember you, Tom,” Janet said. “Sit down.” She realized she was gushing. “How have you been?” ---
**Author:** ![Kamino\_Neko](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/kamino_neko/32/34_2.png) [@Kamino\_Neko](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Kamino_Neko)\ **Post date:** [October 25, 2016, 1:59pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-long-is-a-woman-likely-to-stay-in-love-after-involuntary-separation/769623/20 "2016-10-25T13:59:08Z")
Anyone else reminded of As Good as it Gets? [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-long-is-a-woman-likely-to-stay-in-love-after-involuntary-separation/769623.md?page=2)