# How long is unreasonable to wait for sex in a dating relationship? **URL:** \ **Category:** In My Humble Opinion\ **Created:** [January 16, 2011, 3:40pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-long-is-unreasonable-to-wait-for-sex-in-a-dating-relationship/567825 "2011-01-16T15:40:47Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 2
**Author:** ![Rushgeekgirl](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/rushgeekgirl/32/3715_2.png) [@Rushgeekgirl](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Rushgeekgirl)\ **Post date:** [January 17, 2011, 1:36am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-long-is-unreasonable-to-wait-for-sex-in-a-dating-relationship/567825/21 "2011-01-17T01:36:39Z")
It really wouldn’t matter to me if we never had sex. ---
**Author:** ![pulykamell](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/pulykamell/32/3166_2.png) [@pulykamell](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/pulykamell)\ **Post date:** [January 17, 2011, 1:47am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-long-is-unreasonable-to-wait-for-sex-in-a-dating-relationship/567825/22 "2011-01-17T01:47:17Z")
> [@MandaJo](#): > > I suspect the answers here are very different for people who are dating vs those of us who are in committed relationships and thinking in the theoretical. Could be. To add to the data, I’m in a five-year committed relationship. Three or four dates still seems right to me. ---
**Author:** ![xanthous](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/x/53a042/32.png) [@xanthous](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/xanthous)\ **Post date:** [January 17, 2011, 1:48am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-long-is-unreasonable-to-wait-for-sex-in-a-dating-relationship/567825/23 "2011-01-17T01:48:54Z")
For me recently, I didn’t think about if/when sex would or wouldn’t happen. I was just enjoying his company, then he kissed me, then next date we made out, then next date there was a moderate amount of naked skin, then next date there was sex. I never thought about or expected a progression, it just happened. But I’m a girl. Maybe he was like, “C’mon, _c’mon_, C’MON, COME _ON!_” ---
**Author:** ![Sleeps\_With\_Butterflies](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/bb73d2/32.png) [@Sleeps\_With\_Butterflies](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Sleeps_With_Butterflies)\ **Post date:** [January 17, 2011, 1:54am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-long-is-unreasonable-to-wait-for-sex-in-a-dating-relationship/567825/24 "2011-01-17T01:54:26Z")
> [@MandaJo](#): > > I suspect the answers here are very different for people who are dating vs those of us who are in committed relationships and thinking in the theoretical. I’ve been sleeping with the same man for over a decade. Whatever may have been true for a young version of me many years ago, for the person I am now, sex is something you do with someone you know _well_. The idea of getting naked in front of someone I’d spent only a few hours with is simply . . .bizarre. That’s not a judgmental statement. Intellectually, I don’t have any problem with sex and I can totally understand that everything looks different when you are otherwise celibate. But emotionally . . .oh vey. I am officially an old married woman. I can’t even imagine jumping into bed with someone I didn’t know well. It just sounds . . . awkward. But again, intellectually I totally understand that my view would be very different if I were actually single. Well said. I’ve mentioned in other threads that I’m not a 3rd-date-rule kind of girl. It has nothing to do with proving anything to anyone or past partner choices (huh?). Like **Manda Jo** says, it isn’t a judgmental thing because plenty of my friends will do the first or second date sex and I certainly don’t think any less of them for it. Hell, one of my friends is nearly a real-life Samantha from _Sex and the City_. I personally just think that sex can cause a false sense of intimacy and make people think there’s something _there_ when there may not be. No, I don’t put too much importance on sex and need to “save” it for some reason. I just do not choose to have sex with everyone I happen to find myself attracted to. Have I lost out on guys who may have been great for me because I wouldn’t have sex after a few dates? Probably. ---
**Author:** ![Little\_Bird](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/3ec8ea/32.png) [@Little\_Bird](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Little_Bird)\ **Post date:** [January 17, 2011, 3:59am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-long-is-unreasonable-to-wait-for-sex-in-a-dating-relationship/567825/25 "2011-01-17T03:59:20Z")
Lets see, I tend to fuck on the first or second date… So if sex is not a happening thing three or four dates in then things are weird. I guess if the fella were really into waiting I’d let it go a couple weeks, but any longer then that he’s out. Momma gots needs. (All hypothetical of course, since I’ve been with my lurvly husband 7 years. Fucked him on the first date.) ---
**Author:** ![panache45](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/panache45/32/64_2.png) [@panache45](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/panache45)\ **Post date:** [January 17, 2011, 4:17am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-long-is-unreasonable-to-wait-for-sex-in-a-dating-relationship/567825/26 "2011-01-17T04:17:18Z")
If my own sexual history is relevant, I’d say 5 minutes, tops. ---
**Author:** ![appleciders](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/85f322/32.png) [@appleciders](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/appleciders)\ **Post date:** [January 17, 2011, 8:08am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-long-is-unreasonable-to-wait-for-sex-in-a-dating-relationship/567825/27 "2011-01-17T08:08:32Z")
I could wait as long as a few months, maybe a year, if all the stars lined up and she was beautiful, open, kind, a good kisser, _and_ there was a steady progression towards sex. I don’t know how long I could wait if there was never anything past kissing, but if we’re doing other preliminaries and making regular progress, I’d be willing to wait longer. Three to five weeks is more like my preference, though. I waited more than a year (of actual dating time, broken into two chunks) before my current girlfriend was comfortable. She is worth it, though now that I’m older I don’t know if I’d wait that long again. ---
**Author:** ![don\_t\_ask](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/e68b1a/32.png) [@don\_t\_ask](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/don_t_ask)\ **Post date:** [January 17, 2011, 9:29am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-long-is-unreasonable-to-wait-for-sex-in-a-dating-relationship/567825/28 "2011-01-17T09:29:28Z")
> [@Patty\_O\_Furniture](#): > > IMO sex comes before dating. I need to know if we’re physically compatible before I start making emotional commitments. People have tried to set me up on blind dates but when I insist, “I don’t date anyone that I am not having sex with,” I usually get puzzled looks. I will, however, go out with just about anyone if it sounds like fun. ---
**Author:** ![amanset](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/8dc957/32.png) [@amanset](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/amanset)\ **Post date:** [January 17, 2011, 10:54am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-long-is-unreasonable-to-wait-for-sex-in-a-dating-relationship/567825/29 "2011-01-17T10:54:37Z")
For the right person I would wait as long as it takes. ---
**Author:** ![Khaki\_Campbell](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/k/9de053/32.png) [@Khaki\_Campbell](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Khaki_Campbell)\ **Post date:** [January 17, 2011, 12:10pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-long-is-unreasonable-to-wait-for-sex-in-a-dating-relationship/567825/30 "2011-01-17T12:10:59Z")
As for me : kiss should happen on the first date, sex should happen - at the latest - on the second date. But I don’t like women who sleep on the first night : you have to wait the whole afternoon 😃 ---
**Author:** ![Cazzle](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/cazzle/32/75_2.png) [@Cazzle](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Cazzle)\ **Post date:** [January 17, 2011, 12:16pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-long-is-unreasonable-to-wait-for-sex-in-a-dating-relationship/567825/31 "2011-01-17T12:16:42Z")
I would think six months was at least five months too long. I’d have assumed it was never going to be more than a friendship and moved on well before the six month point. ---
**Author:** ![TriPolar](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/tripolar/32/3008_2.png) [@TriPolar](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/TriPolar)\ **Post date:** [January 17, 2011, 1:30pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-long-is-unreasonable-to-wait-for-sex-in-a-dating-relationship/567825/32 "2011-01-17T13:30:10Z")
Depends on whether you’re also having sex with someone else. And everyone is different. Just a guess, but someone who thinks there a rule to apply, like 3rd date=sex, dating someone who doesn’t recognize such a rule, isn’t going to turn into a good relationship. ---
**Author:** ![kimera](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/k/f0a364/32.png) [@kimera](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/kimera)\ **Post date:** [January 17, 2011, 2:57pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-long-is-unreasonable-to-wait-for-sex-in-a-dating-relationship/567825/33 "2011-01-17T14:57:08Z")
I need emotional intimacy before I’ll have sex, and I can’t imagine having that on the third or fourth date unless we’d already been friends before that. I can’t remember how long it took with my last two boyfriends because we’d known each other for some time before we formally dated. I’m not frigid or non-sexual, I just don’t feel comfortable having sex where I don’t feel intimacy. I have a lovely boyfriend, but if I were on the market again, the ideal guy for me would be one who waited until I felt comfortable with him. ---
**Author:** ![BMalion](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/e274bd/32.png) [@BMalion](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/BMalion)\ **Post date:** [January 17, 2011, 5:25pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-long-is-unreasonable-to-wait-for-sex-in-a-dating-relationship/567825/34 "2011-01-17T17:25:39Z")
When I was younger I wanted sex NOW! Then I got older, religious and (hopefully) mature. My wife and I waited until after marriage. Then we got divorced. I haved dated in 6 years, no sex either, I kissed 2 girls but nothing else happenned. Now, I have no sexual desires at all and no interest in dating. And I’m fine with that. Weird. ---
**Author:** ![kanicbird](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/k/5f8ce5/32.png) [@kanicbird](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/kanicbird)\ **Post date:** [January 17, 2011, 5:43pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-long-is-unreasonable-to-wait-for-sex-in-a-dating-relationship/567825/35 "2011-01-17T17:43:54Z")
When it becomes a problem ---
**Author:** ![Renee](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/renee/32/287_2.png) [@Renee](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Renee)\ **Post date:** [January 17, 2011, 5:49pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-long-is-unreasonable-to-wait-for-sex-in-a-dating-relationship/567825/36 "2011-01-17T17:49:59Z")
> [@MandaJo](#): > > I suspect the answers here are very different for people who are dating vs those of us who are in committed relationships and thinking in the theoretical. I’ve been sleeping with the same man for over a decade. Whatever may have been true for a young version of me many years ago, for the person I am now, sex is something you do with someone you know _well_. The idea of getting naked in front of someone I’d spent only a few hours with is simply . . .bizarre. That’s not a judgmental statement. Intellectually, I don’t have any problem with sex and I can totally understand that everything looks different when you are otherwise celibate. But emotionally . . .oh vey. I am officially an old married woman. I can’t even imagine jumping into bed with someone I didn’t know well. It just sounds . . . awkward. But again, intellectually I totally understand that my view would be very different if I were actually single. I don’t know; I’ve been married 10 years now (and together 12) and if I was to be back in the dating pool, I’d want sex pretty damn quickly. Sexual compatibility is critical to a relationship, for me. And any guy who’s fine going six months without sex is not sexually compatible with me. After a date or two, we probably know whether the chemistry is there or not, so what are we waiting for, exactly? If we both aren’t pretty much dying of horniness after two dates, IMO it’s probably not going anywhere and we should move on. ---
**Author:** ![wheresmymind](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/w/91b2a8/32.png) [@wheresmymind](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/wheresmymind)\ **Post date:** [January 17, 2011, 5:56pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-long-is-unreasonable-to-wait-for-sex-in-a-dating-relationship/567825/37 "2011-01-17T17:56:36Z")
> [@PandaBear77](#): > > What’s wrong with that? If you’re a bad judge of character and you need a little more time than most to determine whether or not someone is a douchecanoe - why is admitting it and adjusting to it a bad thing? Sounds pretty smart to me. I have to agree with you on that - you can’t blame someone for learning from past relationships and behaving accordingly. But as JRD says it’s likely an indication of unpleasant issues that you might have to deal with later. I’ve gone a lot longer than a month without sex before, so the wait wouldn’t kill me. However, the emotional baggage to come might not be worth it. ---
**Author:** ![Giraffe](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/giraffe/32/129_2.png) [@Giraffe](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Giraffe)\ **Post date:** [January 17, 2011, 6:37pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-long-is-unreasonable-to-wait-for-sex-in-a-dating-relationship/567825/38 "2011-01-17T18:37:05Z")
For me, it would depend on why we were waiting and how we were otherwise connecting. If I was dating someone I thought was amazing and hilarious, but who preferred to take sex slow due to past experiences, I’d be OK waiting it out for weeks, maybe months. I think that’s a pretty atypical situation, though. Usually, if the physical connection isn’t there, other things are missing as well and the whole thing just fizzles. Vice versa, when you really click with someone, the sex just comes along for the ride. ---
**Author:** ![drachillix](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/48db29/32.png) [@drachillix](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/drachillix)\ **Post date:** [January 17, 2011, 8:05pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-long-is-unreasonable-to-wait-for-sex-in-a-dating-relationship/567825/39 "2011-01-17T20:05:02Z")
> [@DigitalC](#): > > If two adults are dating and attracted to each other there is simply no reason to wait for sex past 3-4 dates or a couple weeks. Anything longer simply screams of waiting for the sake of proving something, or punishing me for your past bad choices in men. If we’ve been dating a month and haven’t had sex i would assume something is obviously wrong or that she is simply not interested in me in that way and move on. I will hop on this bandwagon… If a woman has not decided to be with me after a few dates, maybe a few weeks, then it probably isnt going to happen. I meet alot of people via internet personal ads, sometimes there are extensive conversations on the phone before meeting and I don’t start the timer till we meet in person. Once the initial meet is done, you have had a chance to form some opinions of me and have probably decided for yourself if you are gonna sleep with me or not, waiting is just a game at that point. ---
**Author:** ![Terra1041](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/c5a1d2/32.png) [@Terra1041](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Terra1041)\ **Post date:** [January 17, 2011, 8:10pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-long-is-unreasonable-to-wait-for-sex-in-a-dating-relationship/567825/40 "2011-01-17T20:10:54Z")
There’s no such thing as too long for me. An ideal time for sex would be never. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-long-is-unreasonable-to-wait-for-sex-in-a-dating-relationship/567825.md?page=1) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-long-is-unreasonable-to-wait-for-sex-in-a-dating-relationship/567825.md?page=3)