# How long is unreasonable to wait for sex in a dating relationship? **URL:** \ **Category:** In My Humble Opinion\ **Created:** [January 16, 2011, 3:40pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-long-is-unreasonable-to-wait-for-sex-in-a-dating-relationship/567825 "2011-01-16T15:40:47Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 7
**Author:** ![WhyNot](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/w/c77e96/32.png) [@WhyNot](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/WhyNot)\ **Post date:** [September 18, 2016, 4:17am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-long-is-unreasonable-to-wait-for-sex-in-a-dating-relationship/567825/121 "2016-09-18T04:17:47Z")
> [@Velocity](#): > > I’ve read that \*asking \*verbally for sex, or the \*talk \*mentioned above, is likely to \*kill \*sexual desire immediately. You’re really not doing it right. “Would you like to go out on a date sometime?” Soooooo old fashioned, I know. But that’s how we’ve used our words for 100 years or more to indicate sexual interest. Still doesn’t ensure you’ll get it, but the word “date” signals “sexual interest.” If you get the date, then the touch of an arm with the reading of body signals is appropriate. If you get the date, touch the arm, and they touch back, then, “May I kiss you? Because I really want to kiss you,” is the sexiest play in the world. That’s smooth, man. I think men today are learning wooing from all the wrong movies. ---
**Author:** ![Plumpudding](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/edb3f5/32.png) [@Plumpudding](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Plumpudding)\ **Post date:** [September 18, 2016, 5:54pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-long-is-unreasonable-to-wait-for-sex-in-a-dating-relationship/567825/122 "2016-09-18T17:54:11Z")
I don’t know. In most of my relationships it happened on the first date. ---
**Author:** ![LSLGuy](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/lslguy/32/5813_2.png) [@LSLGuy](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/LSLGuy)\ **Post date:** [September 18, 2016, 6:07pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-long-is-unreasonable-to-wait-for-sex-in-a-dating-relationship/567825/123 "2016-09-18T18:07:56Z")
I think it’d be useful for folks to mention their ages & when their experience dates from. E.g. **Plumpudding** ’s experience doesn’t match mine from 40 years ago when I was in college. Nor does it seem to match **WhyNot** ’s recent experience as a 40-something woman. Though **Plumpudding** ’s experience might well be typical of moderately attractive college-aged people today. Or for tweens in Junior High for all I know. ---
**Author:** ![WhyNot](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/w/c77e96/32.png) [@WhyNot](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/WhyNot)\ **Post date:** [September 18, 2016, 6:17pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-long-is-unreasonable-to-wait-for-sex-in-a-dating-relationship/567825/124 "2016-09-18T18:17:55Z")
> [@Plumpudding](#): > > I don’t know. In most of my relationships it happened on the first date. “It” meaning date rape or reluctant sex, or “it” meaning fantastic enthusiastic sex that lead to more sex and meaningful relationships down the road? And - here’s the key question - how do you know, if you’re reluctant to talk to your partners? Neither one is wrong. (Well, date rape is wrong. Reluctant sex is unfortunate.) But I sense our goals may be different. ---
**Author:** ![Plumpudding](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/edb3f5/32.png) [@Plumpudding](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Plumpudding)\ **Post date:** [September 18, 2016, 6:20pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-long-is-unreasonable-to-wait-for-sex-in-a-dating-relationship/567825/125 "2016-09-18T18:20:06Z")
I see your point. I’m 27, but this has mostly been my experience since becoming sexually active at 15. I’ve been in a couple of relationships where we waited for a couple of weeks, but that’s the exception for me. When I say I don’t know, I truly mean that. I’d wait a pretty long time if I felt it made sense and I’ve never pushed for it, nor will I. ---
**Author:** ![WhyNot](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/w/c77e96/32.png) [@WhyNot](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/WhyNot)\ **Post date:** [September 18, 2016, 6:20pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-long-is-unreasonable-to-wait-for-sex-in-a-dating-relationship/567825/126 "2016-09-18T18:20:50Z")
> [@LSLGuy](#): > > I think it’d be useful for folks to mention their ages & when their experience dates from. > > E.g. **Plumpudding** ’s experience doesn’t match mine from 40 years ago when I was in college. Nor does it seem to match **WhyNot** ’s recent experience as a 40-something woman. > > Though **Plumpudding** ’s experience might well be typical of moderately attractive college-aged people today. Or for tweens in Junior High for all I know. True. There has been some really disheartening research coming out about the ways in which young men are using young women as masturbatory objects (generally these studies are linking their behavior with increased porn viewing). Which, yknow, has always happened, we’re just getting closer to being properly outraged by it these days, and starting to consider maybe the problem is clueless boys, not slutty girls. ---
**Author:** ![Plumpudding](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/edb3f5/32.png) [@Plumpudding](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Plumpudding)\ **Post date:** [September 18, 2016, 6:21pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-long-is-unreasonable-to-wait-for-sex-in-a-dating-relationship/567825/127 "2016-09-18T18:21:17Z")
> [@WhyNot](#): > > “It” meaning date rape or reluctant sex, or “it” meaning fantastic enthusiastic sex that lead to more sex and meaningful relationships down the road? And - here’s the key question - how do you know, if you’re reluctant to talk to your partners? > > Neither one is wrong. (Well, date rape is wrong. Reluctant sex is unfortunate.) But I sense our goals may be different. “It” meaning casual sex that turned into a relationship. Daterape?!😕 ---
**Author:** ![Plumpudding](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/edb3f5/32.png) [@Plumpudding](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Plumpudding)\ **Post date:** [September 18, 2016, 7:37pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-long-is-unreasonable-to-wait-for-sex-in-a-dating-relationship/567825/128 "2016-09-18T19:37:31Z")
By the way, I know my experience is somewhat out of the norm. Waiting has just usually never come up, since we’ve been sexually active for a while before getting together. ---
**Author:** ![puzzlegal](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/puzzlegal/32/3827_2.png) [@puzzlegal](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/puzzlegal)\ **Post date:** [September 18, 2016, 8:51pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-long-is-unreasonable-to-wait-for-sex-in-a-dating-relationship/567825/129 "2016-09-18T20:51:21Z")
> [@WhyNot](#): > > You’re really not doing it right. > > “Would you like to go out on a date sometime?” > > Soooooo old fashioned, I know. But that’s how we’ve used our words for 100 years or more to indicate sexual interest. Still doesn’t ensure you’ll get it, but the word “date” signals “sexual interest.” > > If you get the date, then the touch of an arm with the reading of body signals is appropriate. > > If you get the date, touch the arm, and they touch back, then, “May I kiss you? Because I really want to kiss you,” is the sexiest play in the world. That’s smooth, man. > > I think men today are learning wooing from all the wrong movies. Maybe I’m just an old-fogey, but this all sounds appropriate and not at all date-rapey to me, including the questioning touch of the arm. Honestly, not all communication needs to be verbal. ---
**Author:** ![WhyNot](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/w/c77e96/32.png) [@WhyNot](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/WhyNot)\ **Post date:** [September 19, 2016, 1:08am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-long-is-unreasonable-to-wait-for-sex-in-a-dating-relationship/567825/130 "2016-09-19T01:08:05Z")
> [@puzzlegal](#): > > Maybe I’m just an old-fogey, but this all sounds appropriate and not at all date-rapey to me, including the questioning touch of the arm. Honestly, not all communication needs to be verbal. Oh, I agree. It was the “How on EARTH am I going to let a person know with the wordthings that I want to have sex with them?! That’s going to make them run screaming!” attitude that I was responding to. I don’t consider a gentle enquiring touch to the arm to be daterapey, either. But you \*\*\*can \*\*\*totally use your words, instead, without killing the mood or making reasonable people run screaming. And some people really, really hate to be touched without explicit permission. (I don’t tend to have sex with those people, because their communication styles are too different from mine.) ---
**Author:** ![Dangerosa](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/22d042/32.png) [@Dangerosa](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Dangerosa)\ **Post date:** [September 19, 2016, 3:30am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-long-is-unreasonable-to-wait-for-sex-in-a-dating-relationship/567825/131 "2016-09-19T03:30:32Z")
> [@Typo\_Negative](#): > > My first wife and I had sex on our first date. We had been friends for quite a while though. I’m pretty sure my husband of 21 years and I had sex before our first date. But we’d known each other eleven years and for much of that time had been hanging out, going to movies together, grabbing dinner together. So either eleven years, or before the first date. ---
**Author:** ![Telemark](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/telemark/32/372_2.png) [@Telemark](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Telemark)\ **Post date:** [April 7, 2020, 10:43am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-long-is-unreasonable-to-wait-for-sex-in-a-dating-relationship/567825/133 "2020-04-07T10:43:47Z")
Spam reported ---
**Author:** ![drewder](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/57b2e6/32.png) [@drewder](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/drewder)\ **Post date:** [April 7, 2020, 11:46am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-long-is-unreasonable-to-wait-for-sex-in-a-dating-relationship/567825/134 "2020-04-07T11:46:54Z")
Waiting 6 months after marriage is too long. ---
**Author:** ![drewder](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/57b2e6/32.png) [@drewder](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/drewder)\ **Post date:** [April 7, 2020, 11:48am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-long-is-unreasonable-to-wait-for-sex-in-a-dating-relationship/567825/135 "2020-04-07T11:48:21Z")
> [@WhyNot](#): > > True. There has been some really disheartening research coming out about the ways in which young men are using young women as masturbatory objects (generally these studies are linking their behavior with increased porn viewing). Which, yknow, has always happened, we’re just getting closer to being properly outraged by it these days, and starting to consider maybe the problem is clueless boys, not slutty girls. Not sure why it can’t be both ---
**Author:** ![QuickSilver](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/quicksilver/32/7832_2.png) [@QuickSilver](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/QuickSilver)\ **Post date:** [April 7, 2020, 2:15pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-long-is-unreasonable-to-wait-for-sex-in-a-dating-relationship/567825/136 "2020-04-07T14:15:43Z")
Zombies sex is the worst. ---
**Author:** ![Omar\_Little](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/omar_little/32/269_2.png) [@Omar\_Little](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Omar_Little)\ **Post date:** [April 7, 2020, 3:10pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-long-is-unreasonable-to-wait-for-sex-in-a-dating-relationship/567825/137 "2020-04-07T15:10:18Z")
But double zombie sex is delicious. ---
**Author:** ![Mallard](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/b9bd4f/32.png) [@Mallard](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Mallard)\ **Post date:** [April 17, 2020, 6:30am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-long-is-unreasonable-to-wait-for-sex-in-a-dating-relationship/567825/138 "2020-04-17T06:30:29Z")
> [@Skald\_the\_Rhymer](#): > > In a thread of mine I’m too lazy to seearch for, much less link too, someone opined that six months is too long to wait for sex in a dating relationship. I tend to disagree, but I’m strange. > > So I ask you: how long is too long to wait for the first two-backed-beast making? Do you make any allowances for a person’s special circumstances? > > No poll. I’d have to do all the options for gay and straight and bi and male and female and transsexual and frankly I can’t be bothered. You can mention that stuff if you want, but I for one don’t intend to insist. IMHO, 6 months is beyond anything even close to reasonable. I was single, three times in my life; when I was originally single, when I was separated from my first wife before we got back together, then after we divorced. (I’m since remarried over 30 years) At no time during any of those periods did I wait more than a few dates for sex. Even 50+ years ago, there’s no way I’d go very long before I’m moving on. I’m 67 now so obviously I’m not posting solely based on the thoughts of some randy teenager. ---
**Author:** ![RTFirefly](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/c77e96/32.png) [@RTFirefly](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/RTFirefly)\ **Post date:** [April 17, 2020, 11:16am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-long-is-unreasonable-to-wait-for-sex-in-a-dating-relationship/567825/139 "2020-04-17T11:16:19Z")
> [@Velocity](#): > > In Christian circles, many Christians won’t have sex until marriage. Tru dat. Been there, done that. 🙂 > [@](#): > > So at the same time that many Dopers here in this thread have said that holding out until the 3rd or 4th date to have sex is already taking too long, there are many Christians who will hold out for years until sex. So it is interesting to note the two drastically opposite ends of the spectrum. They don’t _have_ to be drastically opposite ends of the spectrum, though. If you believe that the Lord wants you to wait to have sexual intercourse with that one person you’re going to spend the rest of your life with, that doesn’t necessarily stop you from getting naked and doing a lot of other fun stuff with your partner. And if you’re OK with that, then for purposes of this thread, you just substitute ‘naked in bed and mutually pleasuring each other’ for ‘having sex’ and it’s the same conversation. Nothing ‘drastically opposite’ about it at all. Now if you pile a lot of extra nonbiblical restrictions on top of that, like having to keep your clothes on at all times with your partner until marriage, or (as I’ve heard about some conservative Christians) not having more than a chaste brother-sister kiss before one’s wedding night, then that gets ‘drastically opposite.’ But these are cultural choices that have nothing to do with Christianity _per se_. ---
**Author:** ![Mijin](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/mijin/32/9369_2.png) [@Mijin](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Mijin)\ **Post date:** [April 17, 2020, 11:44am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-long-is-unreasonable-to-wait-for-sex-in-a-dating-relationship/567825/140 "2020-04-17T11:44:13Z")
The very first answer to the OP nailed it; it depends on the people concerned and their reasons. Even if you’re asking me as an individual; my answer is it depends on the circumstances. I have no particular need to “get laid” by some specific time. However, I would definitely want to be _physically intimate_ within the first few weeks though, otherwise I won’t even feel as though I’m in a relationship. ---
**Author:** ![RTFirefly](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/c77e96/32.png) [@RTFirefly](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/RTFirefly)\ **Post date:** [April 17, 2020, 11:51am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-long-is-unreasonable-to-wait-for-sex-in-a-dating-relationship/567825/141 "2020-04-17T11:51:31Z")
That said, my experience back in my years of being single in the 1970s and 1980s was that really the key milestone was that first serious kiss: it never took long to go from there to being naked in bed together: maybe the next time you were alone together, maybe the time after that. Rarely any longer. If I were suddenly single, and that stage in the relationship started to get drawn out, I’d want to talk with the other person and find out what was going on from their POV. More typical would be where I’d be interested in someone and the interest seemed to be mutual, you’d been doing plenty of stuff just the two of you as well as with your mutual friends, but somehow the opportunity for that first kiss never happened, and after awhile you realize that it’s because she’s not giving you that opening. AFAIAC, that’s just a matter of misreading the signs: you thought the interest was mutual but it wasn’t. For me, that wouldn’t qualify as ‘dating,’ just two friends of opposite sex who liked doing stuff together. Really the only time I did anything I’d have regarded as ‘dating’ was when I met a few women through the personals ads in the back of the local alternative weekly. (When you get to know someone because you’re hanging around with mutual friends and it just kind of evolves into doing stuff together, ‘dating’ just doesn’t fit as a word IMHO.) I recall one time when we got to the fourth date and she seemed to want to keep on seeing me, but we still hadn’t kissed, and I got tired of waiting. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-long-is-unreasonable-to-wait-for-sex-in-a-dating-relationship/567825.md?page=6) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-long-is-unreasonable-to-wait-for-sex-in-a-dating-relationship/567825.md?page=8)