# How long should you wait to have sex with someone whose had a traumatic exp? **URL:** \ **Category:** In My Humble Opinion\ **Created:** [September 5, 2014, 10:29am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-long-should-you-wait-to-have-sex-with-someone-whose-had-a-traumatic-exp/697567 "2014-09-05T10:29:08Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 4
**Author:** ![itsame](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/i/5daacb/32.png) [@itsame](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/itsame)\ **Post date:** [February 14, 2015, 11:54am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-long-should-you-wait-to-have-sex-with-someone-whose-had-a-traumatic-exp/697567/61 "2015-02-14T11:54:23Z")
I wanted to update this thread now since its been 5 months. A couple months prior she told me she wanted to love the person before having sex. our relationship has somewhat progressed, I told her I loved her earlier this year and she didnt hesitate to say it back, however we haven’t had sex yet. No pressuring. I’ve talked to her and she said she wants to get on birth control before anything, which isnt a problem at all of course. But she never ends up going to the doctor, even though she brings it up and says how shes going to go. I’ve stopped asking her about it. We’ve talked and she says she will feel pressured if we spend money on a hotel, but she knows it cant happen any other place because we don’t have our own places. She says she doesnt feel 100% comfortable all the time (like in my car). I know sex isnt supposed to be like an appointment, but how can it happen naturally when we don’t have a private place to do it besides a hotel room? How can I make her feel less pressured? We’ve actually picked out the hotel we’re planning to do it at but its all very confusing - she hasnt started any contraception yet. How should I interpret her indecisiveness? At this point it feels like a mess and I’m starting to become worried. We’ve been dating for 1 year and overall theres no intimacy in our relationship besides heavy making out. I know I previously mentioned her traumatic experience - but I really dont think this is the case. She’s a really cool girl, and shes very into me, she’ll kiss me, she will show affection (like grab my butt), so its not like shes totally disinterested. She’s actually gone as far to sext me and basically just tease it but never really follow up with it. ---
**Author:** ![handsomeharry](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/h/e9c0ed/32.png) [@handsomeharry](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/handsomeharry)\ **Post date:** [February 14, 2015, 1:40pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-long-should-you-wait-to-have-sex-with-someone-whose-had-a-traumatic-exp/697567/62 "2015-02-14T13:40:23Z")
> [@Mangetout](#): > > Break off with her and let her find someone else who actually gives a shit about her. He’s spent 6 months with her, w/o having or pushing for sex. He isn’t that bad. Also, he needn’t ‘let her find someone else’, since she can do that at anytime. ---
**Author:** ![Sattua](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/sattua/32/11906_2.png) [@Sattua](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Sattua)\ **Post date:** [February 14, 2015, 2:11pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-long-should-you-wait-to-have-sex-with-someone-whose-had-a-traumatic-exp/697567/63 "2015-02-14T14:11:47Z")
Good luck, itsame. Keep it in your head that you don’t owe it to stay with her if you reach a point where your needs aren’t being met in the relationship. ---
**Author:** ![Octarine](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/o/22d042/32.png) [@Octarine](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Octarine)\ **Post date:** [February 14, 2015, 2:39pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-long-should-you-wait-to-have-sex-with-someone-whose-had-a-traumatic-exp/697567/64 "2015-02-14T14:39:15Z")
. . . Is she OK with you posting all of this detailed information to an online message board? ---
**Author:** ![IvoryTowerDenizen](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/ivorytowerdenizen/32/17937_2.png) [@IvoryTowerDenizen](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/IvoryTowerDenizen)\ **Post date:** [February 14, 2015, 2:41pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-long-should-you-wait-to-have-sex-with-someone-whose-had-a-traumatic-exp/697567/65 "2015-02-14T14:41:33Z")
> [@handsomeharry](#): > > He’s spent 6 months with her, w/o having or pushing for sex. He isn’t that bad. > Also, he needn’t ‘let her find someone else’, since she can do that at anytime. The post you quoted was written in Sept when the relationship was new. But you are right- if she’s unhappy she can break it off too. ---
**Author:** ![Mangetout](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/mangetout/32/19_2.png) [@Mangetout](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Mangetout)\ **Post date:** [February 14, 2015, 3:19pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-long-should-you-wait-to-have-sex-with-someone-whose-had-a-traumatic-exp/697567/66 "2015-02-14T15:19:06Z")
> [@handsomeharry](#): > > He’s spent 6 months with her, w/o having or pushing for sex. He isn’t that bad. > Also, he needn’t ‘let her find someone else’, since she can do that at anytime. > [@IvoryTowerDenizen](#): > > The post you quoted was written in Sept when the relationship was new. But you are right- if she’s unhappy she can break it off too. The OP did mention 6 months when this thread was new, but still, I don’t feel that my response was unreasonable given the information available at that point. ---
**Author:** ![IvoryTowerDenizen](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/ivorytowerdenizen/32/17937_2.png) [@IvoryTowerDenizen](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/IvoryTowerDenizen)\ **Post date:** [February 14, 2015, 3:25pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-long-should-you-wait-to-have-sex-with-someone-whose-had-a-traumatic-exp/697567/67 "2015-02-14T15:25:03Z")
> [@Mangetout](#): > > The OP did mention 6 months when this thread was new, but still, I don’t feel that my response was unreasonable given the information available at that point. Good point- I misremembered how long it had been. ---
**Author:** ![LSLGuy](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/lslguy/32/5813_2.png) [@LSLGuy](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/LSLGuy)\ **Post date:** [February 14, 2015, 4:03pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-long-should-you-wait-to-have-sex-with-someone-whose-had-a-traumatic-exp/697567/68 "2015-02-14T16:03:32Z")
I’ve read most, but not all of the thread. With that caveat. … The GF is obviously deeply conflicted about sex. And still is after a year with the OP. So it’s a good bet she will be for years to come, if not for life. If the OP sticks with her and sometime in the next few months they do the hotel room thing, here’s my prediction for the outcome: The OP assumes this will be a watershed event, she will see that full-up sexual intercourse is normal and fun, and she will forever after want to do it often. And will also drop all her inhibitions about any other lesser sexual activities. The GF will probably tolerate the event OK, but may not. Instead she may freeze up, start crying uncontrollably, have a relapse into depression, etc. It’s a good bet that today that’s the outcome she expects or at least fears, which explains her procrastination about getting on birth control, etc. She’s also deeply worried about how the OP will react if she wigs out. Will he back off or will he damn the torpedos and go full speed ahead? I believe that, at best, she’ll not wig out, she’ll tolerate the experience with a mixture of OK & bad plus a smidgen of good, and this will be the beginning of a years-long effort of slowly, almost imperceptibly wading into the deeper waters towards normal female sexuality. TLDR: If the OP is comfortable spending the next 10-15 years trying to get her up to the level of grudging sex once every few of months, just keep hanging out with this gal. If not, not. ---
**Author:** ![itsame](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/i/5daacb/32.png) [@itsame](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/itsame)\ **Post date:** [February 15, 2015, 4:30am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-long-should-you-wait-to-have-sex-with-someone-whose-had-a-traumatic-exp/697567/69 "2015-02-15T04:30:32Z")
> [@LSLGuy](#): > > I’ve read most, but not all of the thread. With that caveat. … > > The GF is obviously deeply conflicted about sex. And still is after a year with the OP. So it’s a good bet she will be for years to come, if not for life. > > If the OP sticks with her and sometime in the next few months they do the hotel room thing, here’s my prediction for the outcome: > > The OP assumes this will be a watershed event, she will see that full-up sexual intercourse is normal and fun, and she will forever after want to do it often. And will also drop all her inhibitions about any other lesser sexual activities. > > The GF will probably tolerate the event OK, but may not. Instead she may freeze up, start crying uncontrollably, have a relapse into depression, etc. It’s a good bet that today that’s the outcome she expects or at least fears, which explains her procrastination about getting on birth control, etc. She’s also deeply worried about how the OP will react if she wigs out. Will he back off or will he damn the torpedos and go full speed ahead? > > I believe that, at best, she’ll not wig out, she’ll tolerate the experience with a mixture of OK & bad plus a smidgen of good, and this will be the beginning of a years-long effort of slowly, almost imperceptibly wading into the deeper waters towards normal female sexuality. > > TLDR: If the OP is comfortable spending the next 10-15 years trying to get her up to the level of grudging sex once every few of months, just keep hanging out with this gal. If not, not. Im not comfortable doing that, and thats a long time to think about im only 21. I guess i have my answer or do you believe i should give this relationship a little more time. Or is it of no use? ---
**Author:** ![blackbolt\_1987](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/50afbb/32.png) [@blackbolt\_1987](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/blackbolt_1987)\ **Post date:** [February 15, 2015, 6:18am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-long-should-you-wait-to-have-sex-with-someone-whose-had-a-traumatic-exp/697567/70 "2015-02-15T06:18:12Z")
Sex itself should be avoided all together because of the harmful side affects. Yes I mean that! ---
**Author:** ![itsame](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/i/5daacb/32.png) [@itsame](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/itsame)\ **Post date:** [February 15, 2015, 8:33am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-long-should-you-wait-to-have-sex-with-someone-whose-had-a-traumatic-exp/697567/71 "2015-02-15T08:33:02Z")
> [@blackbolt\_1987](#): > > Sex itself should be avoided all together because of the harmful side affects. Yes I mean that! No u dont. Because you wouldnt be here with out it lol ---
**Author:** ![Cinnamon\_Imp](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/58956e/32.png) [@Cinnamon\_Imp](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Cinnamon_Imp)\ **Post date:** [February 15, 2015, 8:35am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-long-should-you-wait-to-have-sex-with-someone-whose-had-a-traumatic-exp/697567/72 "2015-02-15T08:35:00Z")
> [@itsame](#): > > No u dont. Because you wouldnt be here with out it lol I’m sure 100% of gay people are happy avoiding reproductive sex, whether it created them or not. (yes, thanks to IVF, sexless reproduction is a thing now, remember?) ---
**Author:** ![get\_lives](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/g/ecb155/32.png) [@get\_lives](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/get_lives)\ **Post date:** [February 15, 2015, 2:12pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-long-should-you-wait-to-have-sex-with-someone-whose-had-a-traumatic-exp/697567/73 "2015-02-15T14:12:56Z")
Does she masturbate? Regularly? Can she orgasm that way? If the answer to all 3 of those is “no”, then the answer needs to change to “yes”, for all 3, BEFORE having sex with her. If masturbating doesn’t work, she could try a vibrator, for instance. No matter what, though, if she is this conflicted about sex, then we need answers to those 3 questions before anything else happens. ---
**Author:** ![TokyoBayer](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/tokyobayer/32/13989_2.png) [@TokyoBayer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/TokyoBayer)\ **Post date:** [February 15, 2015, 2:48pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-long-should-you-wait-to-have-sex-with-someone-whose-had-a-traumatic-exp/697567/74 "2015-02-15T14:48:15Z")
Is she in therapy? This would be something which would be really good for her to discuss with a professional. ---
**Author:** ![get\_lives](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/g/ecb155/32.png) [@get\_lives](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/get_lives)\ **Post date:** [February 15, 2015, 3:20pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-long-should-you-wait-to-have-sex-with-someone-whose-had-a-traumatic-exp/697567/75 "2015-02-15T15:20:50Z")
> [@TokyoBayer](#): > > Is she in therapy? This would be something which would be really good for her to discuss with a professional. The abuse may just be an excuse. I’m about 40% convinced it is, in fact. ---
**Author:** ![LSLGuy](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/lslguy/32/5813_2.png) [@LSLGuy](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/LSLGuy)\ **Post date:** [February 15, 2015, 3:59pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-long-should-you-wait-to-have-sex-with-someone-whose-had-a-traumatic-exp/697567/76 "2015-02-15T15:59:46Z")
> [@itsame](#): > > Im not comfortable doing that, and thats a long time to think about im only 21. > > I guess i have my answer or do you believe i should give this relationship a little more time. Or is it of no use? Time, in and of itself, does nothing to cause change. What does cause change is _effort_. If she is expending effort to change her attitude, then that effort may bear fruit on a timescale that works for you. If she’s doing nothing, then time will do nothing and a year or 3 from now you’ll be that much older and in exactly the same place in your relationship. The folks who asked about counseling and about masturbation are on a good track. Even reading some female-oriented erotica would be evidence that she sees her current sexuality as an area that she wants to change. Many people lead lives where they know they are missing out on something, but the fear of the immediate pain of changing outweighs the long term happiness they know they are missing. This applies to sex, jobs, relationships, being overweight, being more or less social, drinking, etc. Darn near everything. It smells to me like the GF is more afraid of the short-term pain of learning to like sex than she values the future lifetime of more normal sexuality. It smells to me like the OP is more afraid of the short-term pain of being alone and having to find a new GF than he values the future lifetime of a more normal relationship. I can’t tell you what to do. None of us can. But what I/we can do is suggest you look carefully and critically at aspects of the situation you may have overlooked. Only you can decide what to do with what you see. ---
**Author:** ![Enlightening\_Meditation](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/ecc23a/32.png) [@Enlightening\_Meditation](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Enlightening_Meditation)\ **Post date:** [February 15, 2015, 4:01pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-long-should-you-wait-to-have-sex-with-someone-whose-had-a-traumatic-exp/697567/77 "2015-02-15T16:01:59Z")
Geez…what a tease. I say move on and let her tease some other guy, but be sympathetic with her lack of desire. Otherwise, ease into it with reciprocating on the oral (i.e. deliver her some cunnilingus), finger bang her, use a vibrator on her, demonstrate a rubber vagina on yourself, etc…assuming you haven’t reached those steps yet. ---
**Author:** ![Count\_Blucher](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/c5a1d2/32.png) [@Count\_Blucher](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Count_Blucher)\ **Post date:** [February 15, 2015, 4:10pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-long-should-you-wait-to-have-sex-with-someone-whose-had-a-traumatic-exp/697567/78 "2015-02-15T16:10:16Z")
> [@Urbanredneck](#): > > This girl needs to seek professional help if she is ever to go forward in relationships and possibly even in her professional career if this manifests in other areas of her life. Exactly. OP should tell her he cares, give her the name & number of a therapist and move on. If she works it out, If she wants to… then She’ll call You. “Stop trying to fix people! You don’t have _glue_…!” -anonymous ---
**Author:** ![blackbolt\_1987](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/50afbb/32.png) [@blackbolt\_1987](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/blackbolt_1987)\ **Post date:** [February 15, 2015, 4:56pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-long-should-you-wait-to-have-sex-with-someone-whose-had-a-traumatic-exp/697567/79 "2015-02-15T16:56:33Z")
> [@itsame](#): > > No u dont. Because you wouldnt be here with out it lol What are you talking about? ---
**Author:** ![blackbolt\_1987](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/50afbb/32.png) [@blackbolt\_1987](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/blackbolt_1987)\ **Post date:** [February 15, 2015, 4:57pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-long-should-you-wait-to-have-sex-with-someone-whose-had-a-traumatic-exp/697567/80 "2015-02-15T16:57:34Z")
> [@Cinnamon\_Imp](#): > > I’m sure 100% of gay people are happy avoiding reproductive sex, whether it created them or not. > > (yes, thanks to IVF, sexless reproduction is a thing now, remember?) I’m not gay [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-long-should-you-wait-to-have-sex-with-someone-whose-had-a-traumatic-exp/697567.md?page=3) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-long-should-you-wait-to-have-sex-with-someone-whose-had-a-traumatic-exp/697567.md?page=5)