# How long should you wait to have sex with someone whose had a traumatic exp? **URL:** \ **Category:** In My Humble Opinion\ **Created:** [September 5, 2014, 10:29am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-long-should-you-wait-to-have-sex-with-someone-whose-had-a-traumatic-exp/697567 "2014-09-05T10:29:08Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 6\ **Page:** 5
**Author:** ![zweisamkeit](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/zweisamkeit/32/4360_2.png) [@zweisamkeit](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/zweisamkeit)\ **Post date:** [February 15, 2015, 9:39pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-long-should-you-wait-to-have-sex-with-someone-whose-had-a-traumatic-exp/697567/81 "2015-02-15T21:39:41Z")
> [@blackbolt\_1987](#): > > What are you talking about? He’s saying that you, as a living being, exist because of sexual reproduction. So you wouldn’t exist if your parents shared your belief. This doesn’t consider the possibility that you were conceived via in vitro fertilization or other methods that don’t require sexual activity with another person. And > [@blackbolt\_1987](#): > > I’m not gay That post wasn’t directed to you, but to **itsame**. Homosexual sex involves 2 people of the same sex, which means it can’t result in pregnancy. She was pointing out to **itsame** that there are more kinds of sex than PiV (penis in vagina) sex. ---
**Author:** ![itsame](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/i/5daacb/32.png) [@itsame](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/itsame)\ **Post date:** [February 15, 2015, 10:04pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-long-should-you-wait-to-have-sex-with-someone-whose-had-a-traumatic-exp/697567/82 "2015-02-15T22:04:40Z")
> [@get\_lives](#): > > Does she masturbate? Regularly? Can she orgasm that way? If the answer to all 3 of those is “no”, then the answer needs to change to “yes”, for all 3, BEFORE having sex with her. If masturbating doesn’t work, she could try a vibrator, for instance. No matter what, though, if she is this conflicted about sex, then we need answers to those 3 questions before anything else happens. I dont know if regularly but she often will tease that shes masterbating like through when we text. > [@get\_lives](#): > > The abuse may just be an excuse. I’m about 40% convinced it is, in fact. I am pretty sure it is at this point, its never been brought up by her and ive asked her. > [@LSLGuy](#): > > Time, in and of itself, does nothing to cause change. What does cause change is _effort_. > > If she is expending effort to change her attitude, then that effort may bear fruit on a timescale that works for you. If she’s doing nothing, then time will do nothing and a year or 3 from now you’ll be that much older and in exactly the same place in your relationship. > > The folks who asked about counseling and about masturbation are on a good track. Even reading some female-oriented erotica would be evidence that she sees her current sexuality as an area that she wants to change. > Many people lead lives where they know they are missing out on something, but the fear of the immediate pain of changing outweighs the long term happiness they know they are missing. This applies to sex, jobs, relationships, being overweight, being more or less social, drinking, etc. Darn near everything. > > It smells to me like the GF is more afraid of the short-term pain of learning to like sex than she values the future lifetime of more normal sexuality. > > It smells to me like the OP is more afraid of the short-term pain of being alone and having to find a new GF than he values the future lifetime of a more normal relationship. > > I can’t tell you what to do. None of us can. But what I/we can do is suggest you look carefully and critically at aspects of the situation you may have overlooked. Only you can decide what to do with what you see. Thanks alot for ur advice. What would be effort on my part? Buying her a book? Reading it with her? A vibrator? > [@Enlightening\_Meditation](#): > > Geez…what a tease. I say move on and let her tease some other guy, but be sympathetic with her lack of desire. > > Otherwise, ease into it with reciprocating on the oral (i.e. deliver her some cunnilingus), finger bang her, use a vibrator on her, demonstrate a rubber vagina on yourself, etc…assuming you haven’t reached those steps yet. She wont let me eat her out, she avoids when we are alone all the time. Ive made alot of effort and repeating the same thing is insanity. Although i havent attempted to in months because i know its useless The privacy thing is a big deal because if i make effort to get us alone - she wont do anything. Then later she will say stuff like “damn i wish we had our own place” ---
**Author:** ![get\_lives](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/g/ecb155/32.png) [@get\_lives](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/get_lives)\ **Post date:** [February 15, 2015, 11:42pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-long-should-you-wait-to-have-sex-with-someone-whose-had-a-traumatic-exp/697567/83 "2015-02-15T23:42:44Z")
If she masturbates to orgasm regularly, then she probably just doesn’t want sex with YOU. If she masturbates to orgasm, but not regularly (like less than once a month, maybe), or not at all, she just doesn’t want sex at all. It’s probably good to know which situation it is before you decide what to do, if anything. ---
**Author:** ![itsame](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/i/5daacb/32.png) [@itsame](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/itsame)\ **Post date:** [February 16, 2015, 12:37am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-long-should-you-wait-to-have-sex-with-someone-whose-had-a-traumatic-exp/697567/84 "2015-02-16T00:37:37Z")
> [@get\_lives](#): > > If she masturbates to orgasm regularly, then she probably just doesn’t want sex with YOU. > > If she masturbates to orgasm, but not regularly (like less than once a month, maybe), or not at all, she just doesn’t want sex at all. > > It’s probably good to know which situation it is before you decide what to do, if anything. Ok i will ask her then lol. I find it odd that she doesnt want sex with me considering she chased after me during the beginning stages and still shows interest. ---
**Author:** ![clairobscur](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/839c29/32.png) [@clairobscur](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/clairobscur)\ **Post date:** [February 16, 2015, 1:17am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-long-should-you-wait-to-have-sex-with-someone-whose-had-a-traumatic-exp/697567/85 "2015-02-16T01:17:05Z")
> [@itsame](#): > > I dont know how to communicate this thought because im afraid it will come off as ‘if were not fooling around, its not working out’. Yes, it probably will come off as that, which is hardly surprising since it’s exactly the problem. It isn’t working out because you want sex in a relationship, which is pretty normal, and she doesn’t want sex. Why exactly are you staying with her? Several people asked you if you were in love with her and you didn’t answer. There could be other reasons, like for instance thinking that you won’t be able to get another girlfriend hence you cling on her, hoping that the sex issue is going to fix itself. Or because you’re feeling guilty about leaving her over a lack of sex issue when she’s been abused. She also might be the one manipulating and/or guilt-tripping you into a relationship that satisfies her (steady boyfriend and no need to have that pesky sex) and doesn’t satisfy you. Besides the sex problem, how is the relationship going? How are solved other disagreements? I strongly doubt there’s a solution to your relationship problem unless you’re both genuinely deeply in love with each other, which I strongly doubt from what I read so far. ---
**Author:** ![clairobscur](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/839c29/32.png) [@clairobscur](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/clairobscur)\ **Post date:** [February 16, 2015, 1:26am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-long-should-you-wait-to-have-sex-with-someone-whose-had-a-traumatic-exp/697567/86 "2015-02-16T01:26:17Z")
> [@itsame](#): > > Ok i will ask her then lol. I find it odd that she doesnt want sex with me considering she chased after me during the beginning stages and still shows interest. Chasing you doesn’t mean that she wants to have sex with you. Her conception of a perfect relationship might be one without sex at all (with you or anybody else for that matter). What does she wants/expects/gets out of this relationship? As far as I can tell for now : full commitment, living together, kissing and cuddling, no sex. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-long-should-you-wait-to-have-sex-with-someone-whose-had-a-traumatic-exp/697567.md?page=4)