# How long to get over a broken heart **URL:** \ **Category:** In My Humble Opinion\ **Created:** [December 5, 2011, 9:00pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-long-to-get-over-a-broken-heart/605179 "2011-12-05T21:00:41Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 2
**Author:** ![BMalion](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/e274bd/32.png) [@BMalion](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/BMalion)\ **Post date:** [December 7, 2011, 12:31am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-long-to-get-over-a-broken-heart/605179/21 "2011-12-07T00:31:44Z")
6 years and counting.☹ But mostly it was the breakup, through divorce, of the woman that I had in my head. Not the real person I’d married. ---
**Author:** ![Icarus](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/icarus/32/72_2.png) [@Icarus](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Icarus)\ **Post date:** [December 7, 2011, 1:05am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-long-to-get-over-a-broken-heart/605179/22 "2011-12-07T01:05:26Z")
Mine never really healed properly, I still have scars, and it just doesn’t operate the way I would like. So, 17 years and counting. Not to say I dwell on it, I have definitely moved on and on and on. But, as I say, there is a noticeable limp… ---
**Author:** ![bubba\_jr](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/e95f7d/32.png) [@bubba\_jr](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/bubba_jr)\ **Post date:** [December 7, 2011, 2:52am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-long-to-get-over-a-broken-heart/605179/23 "2011-12-07T02:52:35Z")
An actual broken heart, 9 months. 3 months of feeling sorry for yourself and possibly (probably) drinking too much and not eating. 3 months of dazed and confused, not necessarily hurting, but not necessarily feeling life either. 3 months of thinking “hmmmm, what if…”. Breaking into a new reality… Figuring out that you can go on. THEN!!! just as soon as you get up enough courage to hang yourself out there again… You get a zit on your penis… As soon as that clears up… BANG!!! something fantastic falls in your lap. Or at least that how it works for me. The zit is always the clue that something good is about to happen. Then there are the relationships that are like going to the dentist, “thank god that’s over, let’s go get a beer”. Total time… about 6 seconds. Then there are the relationships that soil you completely on the opposite sex and make you want to become a monk so you’ll never have to deal with “THAT” again. That’s 2 years minimum of shaking your head asking “what the hell was I thinking?” I guess it really depends, but I say 9 months and a badly placed zit for a good heart breaking. ---
**Author:** ![mac\_bolan00](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/b3f665/32.png) [@mac\_bolan00](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/mac_bolan00)\ **Post date:** [December 7, 2011, 5:51am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-long-to-get-over-a-broken-heart/605179/24 "2011-12-07T05:51:51Z")
my question is right after a break-up, did you have a tendency to be \_\_\_\_ with your next partner? \_\_\_\_ means any of the following: 1. guarded 2. demanding 3. nasty 4. hold back emotional commitment ---
**Author:** ![Feyrat](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/f/fbc32d/32.png) [@Feyrat](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Feyrat)\ **Post date:** [December 7, 2011, 6:54am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-long-to-get-over-a-broken-heart/605179/25 "2011-12-07T06:54:19Z")
Sometimes never. You just have to move on anyway. ---
**Author:** ![elbows](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/b3f665/32.png) [@elbows](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/elbows)\ **Post date:** [December 7, 2011, 2:44pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-long-to-get-over-a-broken-heart/605179/26 "2011-12-07T14:44:33Z")
Here’s a little trick, I was taught, to get me through a very similar and difficult time. Sit down, close your eyes, clear your mind and focus on feeling your pain, physically, in the gut and your heart, etc. Now focus on some other, unknown stranger, out there in the world, somewhere, who is suffering the same heart break as you. Kind of picture them suffering, in your mind. Empathize, actively with them. Now manifest a feeling of compassion for their suffering. Using your focus, and empathy, send them all the compassion you can manifest and feel for them. Sort of send it out into the universe with all of your power and focus. (Yeah, yeah, I know how silly it sounds!) That’s it. Takes not more than a few minutes to do and you can do it anywhere. Do it several times a day. I was told it works because it sort of tricks your subconscious self into having some self compassion. Which is really the remedy for what’s ailing you. People think the lesson of compassion is manifesting it for suffering others. That’s the easy part. The challenge is to have as ready and equal a measure of compassion for self. This little exercise was very helpful to me when I was in a great deal of pain and somewhat emotionally stuck, as it were. I wish you good luck, with your journey! ---
**Author:** ![tdn](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/94ad74/32.png) [@tdn](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/tdn)\ **Post date:** [December 7, 2011, 2:56pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-long-to-get-over-a-broken-heart/605179/27 "2011-12-07T14:56:37Z")
> [@elbows](#): > > Here’s a little trick, I was taught, to get me through a very similar and difficult time. Sit down, close your eyes, clear your mind and focus on feeling your pain, physically, in the gut and your heart, etc. Now focus on some other, unknown stranger, out there in the world, somewhere, who is suffering the same heart break as you. Kind of picture them suffering, in your mind. Empathize, actively with them. Now manifest a feeling of compassion for their suffering. Using your focus, and empathy, send them all the compassion you can manifest and feel for them. Sort of send it out into the universe with all of your power and focus. (Yeah, yeah, I know how silly it sounds!) Not silly at all. I love this! ---
**Author:** ![Try2B\_Comprehensive](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/try2b_comprehensive/32/65_2.png) [@Try2B\_Comprehensive](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Try2B_Comprehensive)\ **Post date:** [December 7, 2011, 3:05pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-long-to-get-over-a-broken-heart/605179/28 "2011-12-07T15:05:57Z")
> [@Blaster\_Master](#): > > The important thing is that you actually go through the grieving process and you address whatever issues the relationship and the grieving process brings up. This. If you resort to escapism it will take you a lot longer. Confront whatever it is (probably something you really don’t want to think about, that’s kind of the problem and the point) and you’ll either get over it or resolve it or accept it or… you get the idea. Don’t go for denial and try not to be too down on yourself. There is no end of the sympathy out there for you on this one if you want it/look for it. ---
**Author:** ![Scubaqueen](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/c0e974/32.png) [@Scubaqueen](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Scubaqueen)\ **Post date:** [December 7, 2011, 6:32pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-long-to-get-over-a-broken-heart/605179/29 "2011-12-07T18:32:39Z")
i got dumped by the divemaster after a seven year relationship. he did it because of worsening personal health issues and wanted to spare me all that - even tho i told him i was more than used to chronic illness in my life (a mother with crippling rheumatoid arthritis) - and broke my heart in the process. three years later, and a busted engagement with another man i really didn’t love and was really only marrying for companionship and security, i’m still in love with the divemaster even after all this time. that said, it took a couple of years to get over him. we are back on speaking terms but i’ve flat-out told him that while i’m still in love with him, and would trust him with my life (we’re divers. that’s a given), i would not trust him with my heart. he’s still digesting that one. 😃 the saying, ‘time wounds all heels,’ has merit. it does take time, that much i can attest to. and he ain’t the only Y chromosome out there, either. as far as the divemaster’s concerned, i have no idea where we’re going - if anywhere all - but i’m in no hurry to get there. ---
**Author:** ![bardos](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/bardos/32/1069_2.png) [@bardos](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/bardos)\ **Post date:** [December 9, 2011, 8:12am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-long-to-get-over-a-broken-heart/605179/30 "2011-12-09T08:12:47Z")
> [@purplehorseshoe](#): > > May I inquire why it’s “impossible” for two people in love to not be together? Do you mean temporarily/currently, or forever’n’ever? I think forever and ever. Just looking for some sort of advice from people who have experienced something similar. I do thank you for your comment though, as much as I would like to go into detail, I think it would be counterproductive. > [@elbows](#): > > Here’s a little trick, I was taught, to get me through a very similar and difficult time. Sit down, close your eyes, clear your mind and focus on feeling your pain, physically, in the gut and your heart, etc. Now focus on some other, unknown stranger, out there in the world, somewhere, who is suffering the same heart break as you. Kind of picture them suffering, in your mind. Empathize, actively with them. Now manifest a feeling of compassion for their suffering. Using your focus, and empathy, send them all the compassion you can manifest and feel for them. Sort of send it out into the universe with all of your power and focus. (Yeah, yeah, I know how silly it sounds!) > > That’s it. Takes not more than a few minutes to do and you can do it anywhere. Do it several times a day. > > I was told it works because it sort of tricks your subconscious self into having some self compassion. Which is really the remedy for what’s ailing you. People think the lesson of compassion is manifesting it for suffering others. That’s the easy part. The challenge is to have as ready and equal a measure of compassion for self. This little exercise was very helpful to me when I was in a great deal of pain and somewhat emotionally stuck, as it were. > > I wish you good luck, with your journey! Thank you so much for this. ---
**Author:** ![jjimm](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/j/ba8739/32.png) [@jjimm](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/jjimm)\ **Post date:** [December 9, 2011, 8:56am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-long-to-get-over-a-broken-heart/605179/31 "2011-12-09T08:56:50Z")
My experience - like **tdn** you never can tell by length of relationship - there’s a generalized trend that the longer the relationship the longer the recovery, but it’s not necessarily true in specific cases. 7-year relationship: it took years. Six months of agony followed by years of slow recovery - maybe ten years. That sounds scary, but after a while the pain became quite bearable, more like a wistful nostalgia. 11-year relationship: it was a relief frankly. 4-month relationship: when she broke up with me it hit me like a freight train. Three months of blinding emotional agony with PTSD symptoms and insomnia, three of pretty bad suffering where when the dust cleared I realized that my self-confidence had totally evaporated, then about another year or two of slow recovery. Even now I have a hatred/phobia about her and cannot even imagine being in the same room as her - I get massive shaking adrenaline rushes when I do see her (the last time was more than a year ago at a party, and I had to leave when she showed up) which probably means I subconsciously still have feelings for her in some screwed up way, the opposite of love not being hate but indifference and I am certainly not indifferent. A lot of soul-searching after that last one. I lost a lot of weight, lost my self esteem, generally felt like the biggest loser in the world and have had to rebuild myself. The good news though: three and a half years after the last terrible dumpage, I have been with someone for a year and a half, have definitely been able to love and be loved again, and am very happy indeed. I like the sound of **elbows** ’s technique and wish I’d have known that when I was really suffering. ---
**Author:** ![bardos](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/bardos/32/1069_2.png) [@bardos](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/bardos)\ **Post date:** [December 9, 2011, 10:33am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-long-to-get-over-a-broken-heart/605179/32 "2011-12-09T10:33:40Z")
> [@jjimm](#): > > I get massive shaking adrenaline rushes when I do see her (the last time was more than a year ago at a party, and I had to leave when she showed up) which probably means I subconsciously still have feelings for her in some screwed up way, the opposite of love not being hate but indifference and I am certainly not indifferent. Yes, indifference. I now believe that once a karmic (and chemical) relationship is established along the lines of “being in love”, indifference is no longer a possibility within this lifetime. ---
**Author:** ![jjimm](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/j/ba8739/32.png) [@jjimm](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/jjimm)\ **Post date:** [December 9, 2011, 11:29am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-long-to-get-over-a-broken-heart/605179/33 "2011-12-09T11:29:04Z")
> [@bardos](#): > > I now believe that once a karmic (and chemical) relationship is established along the lines of “being in love”, indifference is no longer a possibility within this lifetime. I promise you it is. You really can become indifferent. But it takes a looooooong time. All the advice above is great but from my experience the main thing for you, if you’re suffering right now, is endurance. Your brain will play tricks on you that it this feeling is permanent, but just keep repeating to yourself “I will not always feel this way”. I guarantee you you won’t, and things will get better. Promise. ---
**Author:** ![Sensualips](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/7c8e57/32.png) [@Sensualips](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Sensualips)\ **Post date:** [February 9, 2012, 1:22am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-long-to-get-over-a-broken-heart/605179/34 "2012-02-09T01:22:46Z")
#1 He beat me senseless for 4 years. I broke it off and never even looked back. #2 Cheated on me and killed our first child from the disease we contracted from her. I forgave him, stayed 12 years and got over him long before we divorced. #3 I ended it, but it took me 3 years to get over him enough to fall in love again. Unfortunately, I don’t think this is going to work out and I’m heading for another time out. To make things worse, #3 is trying to contact me again. Double whammy last week. ---
**Author:** ![scootergirl](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/e99b99/32.png) [@scootergirl](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/scootergirl)\ **Post date:** [February 9, 2012, 7:14am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-long-to-get-over-a-broken-heart/605179/35 "2012-02-09T07:14:23Z")
“Love is nothing but trouble.” ---
**Author:** ![bardos](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/bardos/32/1069_2.png) [@bardos](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/bardos)\ **Post date:** [February 9, 2012, 7:51am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-long-to-get-over-a-broken-heart/605179/36 "2012-02-09T07:51:31Z")
> [@scootergirl](#): > > “Love is nothing but trouble.” I second that emotion ---
**Author:** ![jjimm](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/j/ba8739/32.png) [@jjimm](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/jjimm)\ **Post date:** [February 9, 2012, 8:15am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-long-to-get-over-a-broken-heart/605179/37 "2012-02-09T08:15:10Z")
> [@bardos](#): > > I second that emotion How you doing now, **bardos**? ---
**Author:** ![bardos](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/bardos/32/1069_2.png) [@bardos](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/bardos)\ **Post date:** [February 9, 2012, 8:29am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-long-to-get-over-a-broken-heart/605179/38 "2012-02-09T08:29:40Z")
I am doing better, thank you very much for asking. It’s been about 2 months since our final meeting. What has helped me is cutting off as much communication/contact as possible. This has not been 100% possible as we belong to the same organization. No in-person contact, but I do read her e-mails to the group. Sometimes I get an emotional jarring when I read them. The most important thing is that I now go periods of time without her being in my thoughts constantly, as she used to be. Sometimes she does come into my mind and I find myself reflecting that I have actually passed some hours without thinking about her. However, my sex life is in the toilet. 🙂 ---
**Author:** ![septimus](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/septimus/32/410_2.png) [@septimus](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/septimus)\ **Post date:** [February 9, 2012, 9:09am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-long-to-get-over-a-broken-heart/605179/39 "2012-02-09T09:09:26Z")
My Mother told me it takes just as long to get over a relationship as the relationship lasted, i.e. two years for a two-year affair, six months for a six-month affair, etc. This strikes me as a gross oversimplification. Nevertheless, my Mother was extremely wise. ---
**Author:** ![jjimm](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/j/ba8739/32.png) [@jjimm](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/jjimm)\ **Post date:** [February 9, 2012, 9:22am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-long-to-get-over-a-broken-heart/605179/40 "2012-02-09T09:22:04Z")
Yeah, no offense to your sainted mother, **septimus** , but that’s nonsense. It’s a combination of many things - how long you were together, how much investment you had in that person, how vulnerable you were when you split, how financially tied you were, whether you had kids, if you ever envisaged a life without them in it, whether they done you wrong, and how they did it, etc. etc. Hence my 11-year walkaway yet 4-month breakdown. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-long-to-get-over-a-broken-heart/605179.md?page=1) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-long-to-get-over-a-broken-heart/605179.md?page=3)