# How long until I should just assume I'm dumped? **URL:** \ **Category:** In My Humble Opinion\ **Created:** [May 27, 2006, 8:35pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-long-until-i-should-just-assume-im-dumped/358484 "2006-05-27T20:35:18Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 11\ **Page:** 2
**Author:** ![AngelicGemma](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/439d5e/32.png) [@AngelicGemma](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/AngelicGemma)\ **Post date:** [May 29, 2006, 4:38pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-long-until-i-should-just-assume-im-dumped/358484/21 "2006-05-29T16:38:12Z")
> [@Misnomer](#): > > I’m not sure what your point is, **AngelicGemma** Just ignore me. I meant to quote **tomndebb**. :smack: ---
**Author:** ![Misnomer](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/misnomer/32/14897_2.png) [@Misnomer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Misnomer)\ **Post date:** [May 29, 2006, 4:46pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-long-until-i-should-just-assume-im-dumped/358484/22 "2006-05-29T16:46:32Z")
> [@AngelicGemma](#): > > Just ignore me. I meant to quote **tomndebb**. :smack: Gotcha. No harm. 🙂 ---
**Author:** ![Stainz](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/ecd19e/32.png) [@Stainz](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Stainz)\ **Post date:** [May 29, 2006, 5:30pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-long-until-i-should-just-assume-im-dumped/358484/23 "2006-05-29T17:30:44Z")
Even if you HAVEN’T been dumped, I have to ask why on earth you would want to pursue a relationship with someone who treats you like shit? He sounds selfish, rude, and above all, immature. Move on and look after yourself. ---
**Author:** ![Rachael\_Rage](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/71c47a/32.png) [@Rachael\_Rage](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Rachael_Rage)\ **Post date:** [May 29, 2006, 5:37pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-long-until-i-should-just-assume-im-dumped/358484/24 "2006-05-29T17:37:07Z")
One manifestation of the (in this case) guy’s pathological avoidance of confrontation is the “make them miserable until they dump you” strategy. He doesn’t want to be the bad guy by dumping you, so he goes through weak motions of pretending to be involved (half-heartedly inviting you to the family cookout, _asking_ if you’re vacationing together - wouldn’t a long-term couple _assume_ they are vacationing together?), so when you finally get fed up and say it’s over, he can breathe a sigh of relief. He gets what he wants, he’s made damn sure you want it too, and he’s absolved of guilt because YOU dumped HIM. What I’d suggest is to, first, assume it’s over. Becasue it is. Either wait until he calls you (which could be never), or call and leave him a message that he’s made it quite clear he’s no longer interested in the relationship, and you’re disappointed that he wasn’t adult enough to tell you in person. That turns the responsibility for the end of the relationship back on him, so he can’t take refuge in the “you dumped him” illusion. If he does call you, you can explain that you know the relationship is over, that you need to talk in person for proper closure, and he should respect you enough to give you that much. ---
**Author:** ![kittenblue](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/k/ba8739/32.png) [@kittenblue](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/kittenblue)\ **Post date:** [May 30, 2006, 12:36am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-long-until-i-should-just-assume-im-dumped/358484/25 "2006-05-30T00:36:01Z")
So the suspense is killing me…it’s Memorial Day, day of the family picnic…did you go? What happened? Was he there? Did you embarass him in front of his mama like he should be? Did you at least call to find out what time the picnic was, and embarass him in front of his mama over the phone? What kind of relationship do you have with his folks? Does his mama love you like a daughter? We need info! ---
**Author:** ![gwendee](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/g/35a633/32.png) [@gwendee](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/gwendee)\ **Post date:** [May 30, 2006, 3:15am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-long-until-i-should-just-assume-im-dumped/358484/26 "2006-05-30T03:15:57Z")
Oh gosh. Where to start? No, I didn’t go to the barbecue. Even if everything was all honeysuckle and catfish I was never going to the barbecue. Too much driving in one day, and it always takes twice as long as I think it will to get home on a holiday weekend. Why ask strangers instead of him? Because one of his most well honed skills is saying exactly what I want to hear. And really, I just wanted some “there, there Dee, we’re on your side.” > [@iamthewalrus(:3=](#): > > No one has commented on this yet, so I will: forget whether or not he’s dumped you. If the above is any indication of how you feel about this relationship, dump him. If I ever referred to a current girlfriend I who I had also dated in college as a “recycled girlfriend,” I’d expect her to slap me and start packing a bag. If that’s how you feel, isn’t it time it’s over? I didn’t mean “recycled” in a “retread” sort of way. When I talked to a friend and said something like “You won’t believe this but Tim and I are dating again.” She said “Everyone recycles.” That’s where it came from. I only meant it to indicate that our history covers more years than we’ve been a couple. > [@Stainz](#): > > Even if you HAVEN’T been dumped, I have to ask why on earth you would want to pursue a relationship with someone who treats you like shit? Well, according to my therapist, if I were ever to be with a man who treated me well I wouldn’t know what to do. It all started when my father abandoned . . . And yes, **kittenblue** BOTH his mamas (his parents are divorced and both are remarried) love me like a daughter (wheras mine does not) which factors in to my not wanting to abandon ship if there’s even the slightest hope. Thank you all for reading and posting. My own avoidance of confrontation is just as pathological as his, so it really does help to have some objective opinions and perspective on what’s acceptable and what isn’t. I suppose it would have been fairer to him to include some of my own flaws in the OP, but I wasn’t feeling very fair at that moment. ---
**Author:** ![Grrr](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/grrr/32/146_2.png) [@Grrr](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Grrr)\ **Post date:** [May 30, 2006, 10:27am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-long-until-i-should-just-assume-im-dumped/358484/27 "2006-05-30T10:27:20Z")
You know I read an intresting article the other day in Scientific Journal. Did you know Scientist are saying now that humans can NOT read minds? Yeah, I was shocked to learn this myself!! 😉 Best of luck to ya’. ---
**Author:** ![handsomeharry](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/h/e9c0ed/32.png) [@handsomeharry](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/handsomeharry)\ **Post date:** [May 30, 2006, 10:38am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-long-until-i-should-just-assume-im-dumped/358484/28 "2006-05-30T10:38:15Z")
> [@featherlou](#): > > You may have heard this one before - the key to healthy relationships is communication. Call him, ask him what’s going on, tell him you feel like your relationship is winding down, and ask him what he wants to do. If he evades or pretends everything is okay, then you mention to him some of your requirements: you expect to be called back when you call and leave a message, you expect to spend some time together, you expect him to make some real efforts to see you at X intervals (and you’ll do the same). If he can’t do these reasonable things, never mind making him say it, dump him. I think that this stud has already communicated quite clearly. I believe that you are heading into a trap. You want an answer about somebody treating you like garbage, totally ignoring you for two months; and then, in your last post, you say that YOU should have included some of “your flaws.” These two do not belong in the same discussion. He’s a little worm, and you should not communicate with him. Check your credit card and bank balances and get his name off of them. hh ---
**Author:** ![Malacandra](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/45deac/32.png) [@Malacandra](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Malacandra)\ **Post date:** [May 30, 2006, 10:44am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-long-until-i-should-just-assume-im-dumped/358484/29 "2006-05-30T10:44:14Z")
> [@Skald the Rhymer](#): > > ::growling:: > > Not to hijack, but sometimes it’s the WOMAN who’s pathological about avoiding that particular discussion. And yes, I’m thinking of a specific woman who went to enormous lengths to avoid telling me she wanted to break up, and yes, I had to initiate the discussion. And yes I’m a little bitter. Ah yes, I remember that one. {do} …Wait for phone call. …Proactively make call myself. Very short conversation in which she says she’ll see me in the pub (when she’s tending bar). …Spend evening in the pub being ignored. Receive “I’ll give you a bell, OK?” at closing time. {loop until seen with new boyfriend} Then I buttonholed her to ask why she had been dicking me around instead of just saying she wanted to go out with Alistair, and got told “_shuffles feet_ Because I’m a coward, I suppose. We can still be friends, can’t we?” At that age I was still a little too green to say “What? Call me Captain Fussy, but I prefer friends who don’t treat me like that.” :rolleyes: ---
**Author:** ![Siege](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/dbc845/32.png) [@Siege](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Siege)\ **Post date:** [May 30, 2006, 10:53am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-long-until-i-should-just-assume-im-dumped/358484/30 "2006-05-30T10:53:36Z")
**gwendee** , I wasted a good couple of years waiting for a man who’d been my best friend, told me he’d love me forever and we’d always be friends, and then quit returning my calls. If I did get hold of him, he’d tell me he hadn’t called because he’d been busy. I waited because I’d sworn vows to him. He’s quite courageous in many ways, but, when it comes to the way he ended our relationship, he acted like a coward. Let him go, move on, and enjoy life. I did, and I’ve no regrets. ---
**Author:** ![bup](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/6bbea6/32.png) [@bup](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/bup)\ **Post date:** [May 30, 2006, 11:19am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-long-until-i-should-just-assume-im-dumped/358484/31 "2006-05-30T11:19:16Z")
> [@gwendee](#): > > Thank you all for reading and posting. My own avoidance of confrontation is just as pathological as his, so it really does help to have some objective opinions and perspective on what’s acceptable and what isn’t. I suppose it would have been fairer to him to include some of my own flaws in the OP, but I wasn’t feeling very fair at that moment. Fuck fair. It doesn’t matter. He sucks. Find a nicer guy than him - then maybe it’ll be easier to dump him. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-long-until-i-should-just-assume-im-dumped/358484.md?page=1)