# How long was it before you told your SO you loved him/her? **URL:** \ **Category:** In My Humble Opinion\ **Created:** [April 7, 2008, 10:56pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-long-was-it-before-you-told-your-so-you-loved-him-her/444393 "2008-04-07T22:56:19Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 1
**Author:** ![rostfrei](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/7bcc69/32.png) [@rostfrei](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/rostfrei)\ **Post date:** [April 7, 2008, 10:56pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-long-was-it-before-you-told-your-so-you-loved-him-her/444393/1 "2008-04-07T22:56:19Z")
I’ve been single for 18 months and have had 3 minor relationships in that period of time. The guys that I dated all said they loved me within a month of heavy dating. I’ve always thought this was way too soon to be uttering those words, although I did like these guys a lot. All of those relationships fizzled out soon after, so I guess it wasn’t really love at all. Now I think I’m being a hypocrite. I met this guy about a month ago. He saw me at a very crowded event in the Castro. I saw him too and we kept making eyes at each other. I never did get a chance to go an talk to him, and looked for him after the event, but couldn’t find him. The next day, just out of curiosity, I was checking the “missed connections” ads online. I saw an ad that said something like “you were a tall, cute guy at xyz on Saturday night. I thought you were very handsome and looked for you after the event but couldn’t find you”. So, this event was very cruisy and I wasn’t sure that I was the guy in question. But, after a few e-mails and finally a picture exchange, I found out it was this guy and he was indeed looking for me. The chances of this happening (IMHO) are slim, since I’ve never checked the missed connection boards before. I was just thinking about this guy all that night long and was actually thinking about placing an ad in search of him. Anyway, we’ve gone out several times. I went to his place on Saturday night for the first time (He lives about 45 minutes by car from me). We went out and then went back to his place and talked for 6 solid hours, with a few kisses in between. I finally left at 2am and as I was pulling out from his driveway, he called me and we talked the entire time it took me to drive back to my San Francisco. To make a long story short, I’m head over heels in love with this guy. However, I will definitely not say it until/unless we’ve been together for at least a few months. I’ve dated several guys over the past 18 months and this is the first time I’ve ever had that butterflies in stomach feeling. I’m pretty sure that this guy feels the same way because of the some things he’s said and some things he’s done for me. How long did it take you to fall in love with your SO? How long did it take you to verbalize it? How would you feel if you’ve only known a person for 1 month and they told you they loved you? (Even though I love this guy, I think I would probably freak out a bit if he told me he loved me at this point). Eric ---
**Author:** ![Asimovian](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/asimovian/32/172_2.png) [@Asimovian](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Asimovian)\ **Post date:** [April 7, 2008, 11:04pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-long-was-it-before-you-told-your-so-you-loved-him-her/444393/2 "2008-04-07T23:04:58Z")
Our situation was a little different because we were best friends for nearly a year before we ever started dating, so I believe we had exchanged the “I love you” before our relationship turned romantic. Granted, I’d been in love with her for most of the time we’d been friends, but that’s neither here nor there. 🙂 I realize I’m not really typical in that my wife was only my third serious relationship and we got married fairly young (her 22, me 23), but I don’t really see how you can put a time limit on when those words are exchanged. Either you mean it, or you don’t. For some people, that may take a very short period of time to establish, and for others, it may take longer. But if it’s really how you feel, and you believe the other person feels the same way, it strikes me as a bit silly to withhold a sincere expression for fear of some sort of jinx. Now, if you think you’re going to freak the other person out because the feeling may not entirely be mutual, I suppose that’s different. Obviously, your mileage may vary. ---
**Author:** ![rostfrei](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/7bcc69/32.png) [@rostfrei](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/rostfrei)\ **Post date:** [April 7, 2008, 11:20pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-long-was-it-before-you-told-your-so-you-loved-him-her/444393/3 "2008-04-07T23:20:01Z")
Eeek, Can you imagine the following: me: I love you! you: That’s nice (or Thank-you). ---
**Author:** ![Snarky\_Kong](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/a183cd/32.png) [@Snarky\_Kong](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Snarky_Kong)\ **Post date:** [April 7, 2008, 11:22pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-long-was-it-before-you-told-your-so-you-loved-him-her/444393/4 "2008-04-07T23:22:12Z")
When I was first told that, I didn’t say it back. She said it probably a bit over a month in, I told her probably around 4 months in. ---
**Author:** ![lavenderviolet](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/cdc98d/32.png) [@lavenderviolet](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/lavenderviolet)\ **Post date:** [April 7, 2008, 11:25pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-long-was-it-before-you-told-your-so-you-loved-him-her/444393/5 "2008-04-07T23:25:54Z")
My boyfriend and I were friends for a few years first, but we waited until we had been an official couple for three months before we said “I love you”. I think both of us felt it sooner than that, but I’m really glad that he waited until he was totally sure to say it. 🙂 ---
**Author:** ![TroubleAgain](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/e480ec/32.png) [@TroubleAgain](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/TroubleAgain)\ **Post date:** [April 7, 2008, 11:30pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-long-was-it-before-you-told-your-so-you-loved-him-her/444393/6 "2008-04-07T23:30:35Z")
I made him say it first. 😃 He’d sort of hinted at it really soon after we met, but he started saying it after we’d been together a couple of months. I didn’t say it for longer. He said it once, and I just smiled, and he said “I _said_ I love you.” So, you know, I kind of had to let him know it was reciprocated. 😉 ---
**Author:** ![Spice\_Weasel](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/spice_weasel/32/5435_2.png) [@Spice\_Weasel](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Spice_Weasel)\ **Post date:** [April 7, 2008, 11:39pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-long-was-it-before-you-told-your-so-you-loved-him-her/444393/7 "2008-04-07T23:39:45Z")
The first time he said it, we weren’t quite dating yet… we’d been friends for a year or so, best friends for about 3 months. We didn’t realize we really thought of one another romantically until we were sitting there dealing with the reality that we were both madly in love with one another and probably were going to be together for the rest of our lives. It was an intense and slightly terrifying moment, but that was 6 years ago, and we’re coming up on our two year wedding anniversary, so I can’t say I regret it. As a general rule I support really knowing a person before those words are said, but I would hesitate to impose a time limit. ---
**Author:** ![Pixilated](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/aeb1de/32.png) [@Pixilated](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Pixilated)\ **Post date:** [April 8, 2008, 12:45am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-long-was-it-before-you-told-your-so-you-loved-him-her/444393/8 "2008-04-08T00:45:53Z")
[QUOTE=rostfrei] Eeek, Can you imagine the following: me: I love you! you: That’s nice (or Thank-you). [/QUOTE] My motto for several years: Two outta three aint bad, sweetie. Or I’d respond with a thank you, I see the sex has clouded your judgement, snap out of it. I dont think I ever told my ex hub that I loved him (I was scared of him), the next serious relationship - about a year after being friends with benefits. We lasted 7 yrs. My current SO - I think it was just a short time after meeting. I had this feeling of comfort with him that I cant even explain… and i am so not the type to share feelings so quickly. ---
**Author:** ![BrknButterfly](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/439d5e/32.png) [@BrknButterfly](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/BrknButterfly)\ **Post date:** [April 8, 2008, 1:38am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-long-was-it-before-you-told-your-so-you-loved-him-her/444393/9 "2008-04-08T01:38:06Z")
I wait a while. Generally it is a few months. That last guy that I told “l love you” too, it took me a long time. He isn’t the type to really say how he feels. Not in the ways I generally understand or pick up on, so while I knew I loved him and I knew he had feelings for me I had a hard time actually telling him. Maybe out of fear that he didn’t feel the say same way. I think we were just laying on my bed talking when I looked at him and then purposely looked away and told him so I wouldn’t see his reaction. I couldn’t bare to see any inkling of rejection or “freaked outness” in his face. So I generally wait a few months. Even if I know I love him… want to get the timing right and not make it sound stupid. ---
**Author:** ![susan](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/susan/32/17537_2.png) [@susan](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/susan)\ **Post date:** [April 8, 2008, 4:50am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-long-was-it-before-you-told-your-so-you-loved-him-her/444393/10 "2008-04-08T04:50:56Z")
I said it to my SO in about a week. Usually I wait longer, but I know what I like. ---
**Author:** ![MandaJo](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/ac91a4/32.png) [@MandaJo](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/MandaJo)\ **Post date:** [April 8, 2008, 8:21am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-long-was-it-before-you-told-your-so-you-loved-him-her/444393/11 "2008-04-08T08:21:25Z")
Maybe three months after I started dating my now-husband. He’s never said it to me, except as part of the wedding vows, almost ten years ago now. But I don’t have any doubts. ---
**Author:** ![CairoCarol](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/cairocarol/32/3825_2.png) [@CairoCarol](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/CairoCarol)\ **Post date:** [April 8, 2008, 10:55am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-long-was-it-before-you-told-your-so-you-loved-him-her/444393/12 "2008-04-08T10:55:07Z")
It was a little less than 3 months before my husband said “I love you.” (Easy to figure out because we started dating at the beginning of the school year and he told me that over the Thanksgiving break.) I was actually a bit taken aback by his saying it that soon - I mean, I really thought he was a great guy, but those words are pretty serious stuff in my book. So I think I said something back like “I’m not sure I’m ready to say those words quite yet, but I definitely think I’m getting there - I may not be ‘in love’ just yet because we haven’t known each other long, but I’m probably at the ‘falling in love’ stage.” We celebrated our 25th wedding anniversary last year so it all worked out. Good luck with the relationship, by the way. ---
**Author:** ![Raspberry\_NOT\_Rhubarb](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/ecd19e/32.png) [@Raspberry\_NOT\_Rhubarb](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Raspberry_NOT_Rhubarb)\ **Post date:** [April 8, 2008, 12:34pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-long-was-it-before-you-told-your-so-you-loved-him-her/444393/13 "2008-04-08T12:34:32Z")
I hedged my bets (what can I say, I’m an emotional coward!) and qualified my declaration: “I _think_ I _might_ be falling in love with you.” It was about three months in, and he hasn’t actually said it back but when we were in a shop and I asked if he’d found what he was looking for, he looked at me seriously and said, “Yes, MONTHS ago.” Awww. ---
**Author:** ![Labelless](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/f19dbf/32.png) [@Labelless](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Labelless)\ **Post date:** [April 8, 2008, 1:08pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-long-was-it-before-you-told-your-so-you-loved-him-her/444393/14 "2008-04-08T13:08:01Z")
He said it at about a month in. I had turned around to get him something to signify that I was ready to date him and only him, and when I turned around, he said-“You know, I really love you.” I wasn’t quite to that point myself, and told him what I was about to do, and let him know that I was on my way. He continued to say it, and one day about two weeks later, I said it back. Two weeks after that, we were engaged. We’ll be married ten years the end of May. And you know, we really do love each other. ---
**Author:** ![Slithy\_Tove](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/slithy_tove/32/18248_2.png) [@Slithy\_Tove](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Slithy_Tove)\ **Post date:** [April 8, 2008, 2:13pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-long-was-it-before-you-told-your-so-you-loved-him-her/444393/15 "2008-04-08T14:13:39Z")
So I’m supposed to be in touch with my own feelings, but also considerate of this other person’s feelings? And in the gap lies a note in my social calendar where I might say “I love you?” ---
**Author:** ![TroubleAgain](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/e480ec/32.png) [@TroubleAgain](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/TroubleAgain)\ **Post date:** [April 8, 2008, 3:14pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-long-was-it-before-you-told-your-so-you-loved-him-her/444393/16 "2008-04-08T15:14:36Z")
[QUOTE=Slithy Tove] So I’m supposed to be in touch with my own feelings, but also considerate of this other person’s feelings? And in the gap lies a note in my social calendar where I might say “I love you?” [/QUOTE] Yeah, but no. 😕 I say, if you’re feelin’ it and you’re ready to share it, say it. Just be prepared for the other person to freak out/not be able to say it back/completely jump your bones because they’re in love with you, too. 😃 ---
**Author:** ![Sublight](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/439d5e/32.png) [@Sublight](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Sublight)\ **Post date:** [April 8, 2008, 3:23pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-long-was-it-before-you-told-your-so-you-loved-him-her/444393/17 "2008-04-08T15:23:19Z")
never mind, misread the OP. ---
**Author:** ![Dung\_Beetle](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/dung_beetle/32/7945_2.png) [@Dung\_Beetle](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Dung_Beetle)\ **Post date:** [April 8, 2008, 5:17pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-long-was-it-before-you-told-your-so-you-loved-him-her/444393/18 "2008-04-08T17:17:19Z")
[QUOTE=Pixilated] My motto for several years: Two outta three aint bad, sweetie. [/QUOTE] Ah, the wit and wisdom of Jim Steinman. I once had a drunk guy look soulfully into my eyes and mewl, “Will you love me forever?” I replied, “Well, let me sleep on it, baby baby, let me sleep on it…” 😃 I’m sorry, but how often in life does anyone hand you such a golden straight line? Besides, it was only our second date. If I’d said anything else, it might have been, “Settle down, Beavis.” ---
**Author:** ![Mrs.Cake](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/2acd7d/32.png) [@Mrs.Cake](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Mrs.Cake)\ **Post date:** [April 8, 2008, 5:19pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-long-was-it-before-you-told-your-so-you-loved-him-her/444393/19 "2008-04-08T17:19:16Z")
First serious relationship - never said by either of us that I can recall (4 years together, 3.5 living together). Second serious relationship - I thought about saying it but held back. He said it about a year in and I responded in kind, but I think he broke out in hives afterwards, so there was never a repeat. Third (and final) serious relationship - I could tell he wanted to say it after a few dates, but he waited until after I said it a few weeks later. We’ve been together for 19 years, married for 17 and still say it to each other daily. Moral of the story - it’s always different. Sometimes there’s no right time, somethines it hits fast and soon. Good luck! ---
**Author:** ![TroubleAgain](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/e480ec/32.png) [@TroubleAgain](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/TroubleAgain)\ **Post date:** [April 8, 2008, 6:26pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-long-was-it-before-you-told-your-so-you-loved-him-her/444393/20 "2008-04-08T18:26:24Z")
[QUOTE=Mrs. Cake] Moral of the story - it’s always different. Sometimes there’s no right time, somethines it hits fast and soon. Good luck! [/QUOTE] Oooh, well said. [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-long-was-it-before-you-told-your-so-you-loved-him-her/444393.md?page=2)