# How long would you live if your cat was armed with a machine gun? **URL:** \ **Category:** In My Humble Opinion\ **Created:** [February 19, 2016, 2:53am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-long-would-you-live-if-your-cat-was-armed-with-a-machine-gun/746516 "2016-02-19T02:53:31Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 1
**Author:** ![Boyo\_Jim](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/87869e/32.png) [@Boyo\_Jim](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Boyo_Jim)\ **Post date:** [February 19, 2016, 2:53am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-long-would-you-live-if-your-cat-was-armed-with-a-machine-gun/746516/1 "2016-02-19T02:53:31Z")
Need answer fast! ---
**Author:** ![TriPolar](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/tripolar/32/3008_2.png) [@TriPolar](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/TriPolar)\ **Post date:** [February 19, 2016, 2:58am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-long-would-you-live-if-your-cat-was-armed-with-a-machine-gun/746516/2 "2016-02-19T02:58:25Z")
Until you run out of cat food and cat treats. You can get the cat to use up all his ammo if you have a laser pointer. Makes a real mess of the house, but gives you enough time to get out before he reloads. ---
**Author:** ![monstro](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/ba9def/32.png) [@monstro](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/monstro)\ **Post date:** [February 19, 2016, 3:06am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-long-would-you-live-if-your-cat-was-armed-with-a-machine-gun/746516/3 "2016-02-19T03:06:25Z")
My cat Amigo would shoot me instantly. But he’d expect me to “wake” up and put food in his bowl. He doesn’t know what death is. He’s just a silly little cat named Amigo that I got from the pound. ---
**Author:** ![snfaulkner](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/snfaulkner/32/433_2.png) [@snfaulkner](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/snfaulkner)\ **Post date:** [February 19, 2016, 3:14am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-long-would-you-live-if-your-cat-was-armed-with-a-machine-gun/746516/4 "2016-02-19T03:14:17Z")
My cats would probably end up shooting themselves. Or more likely, make one shot and scare themselves into hiding for a week. ---
**Author:** ![Asimovian](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/asimovian/32/172_2.png) [@Asimovian](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Asimovian)\ **Post date:** [February 19, 2016, 3:17am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-long-would-you-live-if-your-cat-was-armed-with-a-machine-gun/746516/5 "2016-02-19T03:17:54Z")
> [@Boyo\_Jim](#): > > Need answer fast! I saw this thread title and laughed out loud. Given that I’m still stuck at work at this hour, it was very much appreciated. 😃 Um, not for very long, but not on purpose. Our cats have demonstrated quite well that they know from whom the food comes, so they wouldn’t actually be _trying_ to kill us. On the other hand, our cats lack a certain amount of grace at times. I think the time it would take from arming them to either 1) Cuthbert ramming his head into the trigger because it was in his way, or; 2) Bertram tripping over it while fleeing the room because a butterfly 50 miles away made a slight sound, would be about three seconds. ---
**Author:** ![Velocity](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/velocity/32/18006_2.png) [@Velocity](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Velocity)\ **Post date:** [February 19, 2016, 3:19am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-long-would-you-live-if-your-cat-was-armed-with-a-machine-gun/746516/6 "2016-02-19T03:19:27Z")
5 seconds. ---
**Author:** ![usedtobe](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/u/ec9cab/32.png) [@usedtobe](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/usedtobe)\ **Post date:** [February 19, 2016, 3:26am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-long-would-you-live-if-your-cat-was-armed-with-a-machine-gun/746516/7 "2016-02-19T03:26:23Z")
Actually, it would probably increase my chances of getting to old(er) age. (she’s a Maine Coon and incredibly protective) ---
**Author:** ![umop\_ap\_sdn](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/u/dbc845/32.png) [@umop\_ap\_sdn](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/umop_ap_sdn)\ **Post date:** [February 19, 2016, 3:46am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-long-would-you-live-if-your-cat-was-armed-with-a-machine-gun/746516/8 "2016-02-19T03:46:11Z")
Naïve as my cats are to human tools? They’d accidentally do me in within a few days. They’re good at messing things up that they don’t understand. 😃 Plus, besides my two cats I live with two other cats who aren’t mine, so things could get friendly-fiery real quick. And they’d all run for cover right away just like when anyone in the house plays the drums. If they knew what they were wielding? I and the other humans would be safe as long as I can afford both dry and canned cat food. ---
**Author:** ![Dag\_Otto](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/439d5e/32.png) [@Dag\_Otto](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Dag_Otto)\ **Post date:** [February 19, 2016, 4:10am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-long-would-you-live-if-your-cat-was-armed-with-a-machine-gun/746516/9 "2016-02-19T04:10:51Z")
Wouldn’t kill me, but would make me open the door every 5 seconds to let him in and out of the house. Wait a sec, he gets me to do that without the gun! ---
**Author:** ![gigi](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/g/a587f6/32.png) [@gigi](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/gigi)\ **Post date:** [February 19, 2016, 4:21am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-long-would-you-live-if-your-cat-was-armed-with-a-machine-gun/746516/10 "2016-02-19T04:21:14Z")
> [@Asimovian](#): > > 1. Cuthbert ramming his head into the trigger because it was in his way, or; 2) Bertram tripping over it while fleeing the room I admire your taste in cat names. ---
**Author:** ![Ranger\_Jeff](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/ranger_jeff/32/2065_2.png) [@Ranger\_Jeff](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ranger_Jeff)\ **Post date:** [February 19, 2016, 4:30am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-long-would-you-live-if-your-cat-was-armed-with-a-machine-gun/746516/11 "2016-02-19T04:30:55Z")
Is it in a ready to fire condition or does the bolt need to be racked and the safety set to fire? ---
**Author:** ![Ignotus](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/i/ecc23a/32.png) [@Ignotus](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ignotus)\ **Post date:** [February 19, 2016, 4:40am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-long-would-you-live-if-your-cat-was-armed-with-a-machine-gun/746516/12 "2016-02-19T04:40:26Z")
I might not live longer than otherwise, but I would certainly live cheaper. Heck, even armed with nothing but Nature’s teeth and claws, my two cats constantly bring me sparrows, jays, rats, mice, voles, squirrels, and the occasional snipe and merganser! With machine guns, they’d bring me freaking _moose_ (and the cows from neighboring farms)! ---
**Author:** ![Boyo\_Jim](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/87869e/32.png) [@Boyo\_Jim](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Boyo_Jim)\ **Post date:** [February 19, 2016, 4:42am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-long-would-you-live-if-your-cat-was-armed-with-a-machine-gun/746516/13 "2016-02-19T04:42:59Z")
Not only is it ready to fire, the trigger guard is removed and the trigger is coated with catnip. ---
**Author:** ![kopek](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/kopek/32/337_2.png) [@kopek](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/kopek)\ **Post date:** [February 19, 2016, 4:49am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-long-would-you-live-if-your-cat-was-armed-with-a-machine-gun/746516/14 "2016-02-19T04:49:43Z")
Forever. I don’t have a cat. But should this be your last post I will have a really interesting story to tell at work next week. 🙂 ---
**Author:** ![Lucas\_Jackson](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/lucas_jackson/32/303_2.png) [@Lucas\_Jackson](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Lucas_Jackson)\ **Post date:** [February 19, 2016, 5:13am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-long-would-you-live-if-your-cat-was-armed-with-a-machine-gun/746516/15 "2016-02-19T05:13:39Z")
I’m guessing about 5 hours. She’d have to wake up after all. ---
**Author:** ![NetTrekker](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/nettrekker/32/2909_2.png) [@NetTrekker](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/NetTrekker)\ **Post date:** [February 19, 2016, 5:20am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-long-would-you-live-if-your-cat-was-armed-with-a-machine-gun/746516/16 "2016-02-19T05:20:27Z")
I’d hope he would spare me but take out the damn stray cat that’s always coming around to fight with him and make a terrible racket. ---
**Author:** ![umop\_ap\_sdn](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/u/dbc845/32.png) [@umop\_ap\_sdn](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/umop_ap_sdn)\ **Post date:** [February 19, 2016, 10:31am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-long-would-you-live-if-your-cat-was-armed-with-a-machine-gun/746516/17 "2016-02-19T10:31:51Z")
> [@Boyo\_Jim](#): > > Not only is it ready to fire, the trigger guard is removed and the trigger is coated with catnip. In that case it’s been nice knowing you all. :eek: 😃 ---
**Author:** ![RivkahChaya](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/rivkahchaya/32/8919_2.png) [@RivkahChaya](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/RivkahChaya)\ **Post date:** [February 19, 2016, 10:46am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-long-would-you-live-if-your-cat-was-armed-with-a-machine-gun/746516/18 "2016-02-19T10:46:28Z")
They’d sniff it, determine it wasn’t edible, didn’t provide a warm, cozy place to sleep, and forget about it. ---
**Author:** ![scareyfaerie](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/scareyfaerie/32/3135_2.png) [@scareyfaerie](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/scareyfaerie)\ **Post date:** [February 19, 2016, 11:19am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-long-would-you-live-if-your-cat-was-armed-with-a-machine-gun/746516/19 "2016-02-19T11:19:22Z")
If it’s only the trigger that’s coated with catnip, I’m probably quite safe. I can just see them trying to get their fat little faces in there, it wouldn’t be too hard to disarm them. Of course, if the gun was in a box, that would most likely mean I have to flee the premises. ---
**Author:** ![Count\_Blucher](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/c5a1d2/32.png) [@Count\_Blucher](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Count_Blucher)\ **Post date:** [February 19, 2016, 12:26pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-long-would-you-live-if-your-cat-was-armed-with-a-machine-gun/746516/20 "2016-02-19T12:26:47Z")
Picture the angriest most in-your-face character on “The Walking Dead”. With fur. If the only Possible way to keep yourself alive was to cook prime rib and to hand feed her small chopped up bits, you’d do it right? The look from her eyes was clear: “Back to the stove. Move…!” [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-long-would-you-live-if-your-cat-was-armed-with-a-machine-gun/746516.md?page=2)