# How long would you live if your cat was armed with a machine gun? **URL:** \ **Category:** In My Humble Opinion\ **Created:** [February 19, 2016, 2:53am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-long-would-you-live-if-your-cat-was-armed-with-a-machine-gun/746516 "2016-02-19T02:53:31Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 11\ **Page:** 2
**Author:** ![CalMeacham](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/calmeacham/32/35_2.png) [@CalMeacham](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/CalMeacham)\ **Post date:** [February 19, 2016, 12:53pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-long-would-you-live-if-your-cat-was-armed-with-a-machine-gun/746516/21 "2016-02-19T12:53:42Z")
If our cats had the ability and knowledge to use them to the same degree they use their claws, then I certainly wouldn’t be killed. But I’s be covered with flesh wounds. – CalMeacham, who has fresh scratches from last night on both hands. ---
**Author:** ![Asimovian](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/asimovian/32/172_2.png) [@Asimovian](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Asimovian)\ **Post date:** [February 19, 2016, 1:02pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-long-would-you-live-if-your-cat-was-armed-with-a-machine-gun/746516/22 "2016-02-19T13:02:16Z")
> [@gigi](#): > > I admire your taste in cat names. I can take no credit; I am merely their step-person (in so many ways). ---
**Author:** ![GrumpyBunny](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/g/bc8723/32.png) [@GrumpyBunny](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/GrumpyBunny)\ **Post date:** [February 19, 2016, 1:21pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-long-would-you-live-if-your-cat-was-armed-with-a-machine-gun/746516/23 "2016-02-19T13:21:01Z")
Pandora would shoot the oldest cat, Baxter (she’s never liked him). Then I would tell her she was a BAD CAT and she’d hide under the bed. She wouldn’t shoot me because she knows I’m the food person and that scritchies come from me. Sebastian would shoot me accidentally, because he’s not the smartest. Then he wouldn’t understand what happened and nudge me to feed him. _note to self: do not buy machine gun_ ---
**Author:** ![WOOKINPANUB](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/wookinpanub/32/132_2.png) [@WOOKINPANUB](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/WOOKINPANUB)\ **Post date:** [February 19, 2016, 1:31pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-long-would-you-live-if-your-cat-was-armed-with-a-machine-gun/746516/24 "2016-02-19T13:31:15Z")
No danger; my cat is wayyyyyyy too [del] lazy [/del] easy going to exert the energy it would take. We’re talkin’, \*birds \*could land on his giant head and he wouldn’t bat an eye. Once, and I am not lying, a big old roach crawled over his outstretched paw and he just stared at it. All that being said, he regularly tries to eat my face so I supposed he does have the energy when he feels like it. ---
**Author:** ![Gatopescado](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/gatopescado/32/5711_2.png) [@Gatopescado](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Gatopescado)\ **Post date:** [February 19, 2016, 1:32pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-long-would-you-live-if-your-cat-was-armed-with-a-machine-gun/746516/25 "2016-02-19T13:32:37Z")
I would strike preemptively. To paraphrase Little Bill, “If I see you again, Bob, I’m just gonna start shootin’ and figure it’s Self-Defense”. ---
**Author:** ![foolsguinea](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/foolsguinea/32/14751_2.png) [@foolsguinea](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/foolsguinea)\ **Post date:** [February 19, 2016, 2:26pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-long-would-you-live-if-your-cat-was-armed-with-a-machine-gun/746516/26 "2016-02-19T14:26:42Z")
I don’t think my cat has the limb strength to pull the trigger? ---
**Author:** ![Enter\_the\_Flagon](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/b9bd4f/32.png) [@Enter\_the\_Flagon](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Enter_the_Flagon)\ **Post date:** [February 19, 2016, 2:47pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-long-would-you-live-if-your-cat-was-armed-with-a-machine-gun/746516/27 "2016-02-19T14:47:15Z")
The actual danger of this scenario is somewhat overstated in this thread. I bought my Monster Baby an assortment of fully automatics, just as a precaution because Obama’s Coming For Your Freedom!!! , and the only thing she ever shoots is the television, and that’s only when Lassie comes on - she hates Lassie. I’m temped to scold her, but, well, you know. ---
**Author:** ![RTFirefly](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/c77e96/32.png) [@RTFirefly](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/RTFirefly)\ **Post date:** [February 19, 2016, 3:01pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-long-would-you-live-if-your-cat-was-armed-with-a-machine-gun/746516/28 "2016-02-19T15:01:58Z")
Depends on whether Charlotte or Wilbur got the gun. The Princess Charlotte would use the gun to demand that I give my full attention to petting her until she got tired of it. While I was doing that and she was doing the feline equivalent of saying ‘aaaaaahhhh!’, I could disarm her. Wilbur would investigate and accidentally set off one stray shot with the gun, and if that didn’t hit anyone, we’d be good, because he’d run under the bed at the sound of the shot, and we could retrieve the gun. So our chances of indefinite survival would be pretty good. ---
**Author:** ![Doctor\_Jackson](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/doctor_jackson/32/32_2.png) [@Doctor\_Jackson](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Doctor_Jackson)\ **Post date:** [February 19, 2016, 3:08pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-long-would-you-live-if-your-cat-was-armed-with-a-machine-gun/746516/29 "2016-02-19T15:08:21Z")
For those of you who don’t think your cat is [capable](http://giphy.com/gifs/cat-machine-gun-crazy-lady-f2fVSJWddYb6g) of such… ---
**Author:** ![Moonlitherial](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/4bbf92/32.png) [@Moonlitherial](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Moonlitherial)\ **Post date:** [February 19, 2016, 4:08pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-long-would-you-live-if-your-cat-was-armed-with-a-machine-gun/746516/30 "2016-02-19T16:08:37Z")
I am currently catsitting for my daughter and since I’m already sure that she and my dog are trying to take me out - about 3 seconds. Particularly since I pushed her off the keyboard a few minutes ago to surf the Dope. ---
**Author:** ![Finagle](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/f/b19c9b/32.png) [@Finagle](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Finagle)\ **Post date:** [February 19, 2016, 4:25pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-long-would-you-live-if-your-cat-was-armed-with-a-machine-gun/746516/31 "2016-02-19T16:25:16Z")
I’d probably be OK, but it’d be a black day for the squirrels at the feeder and any neighborhood cat that came sniffing around the porch. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-long-would-you-live-if-your-cat-was-armed-with-a-machine-gun/746516.md?page=1)