# How many dates does it take to know if you have chemistry? **URL:** \ **Category:** In My Humble Opinion\ **Created:** [February 18, 2010, 2:34am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-many-dates-does-it-take-to-know-if-you-have-chemistry/529424 "2010-02-18T02:34:25Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 2
**Author:** ![MeanOldLady](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/meanoldlady/32/10737_2.png) [@MeanOldLady](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/MeanOldLady)\ **Post date:** [February 18, 2010, 5:35pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-many-dates-does-it-take-to-know-if-you-have-chemistry/529424/21 "2010-02-18T17:35:36Z")
> [@Really\_Not\_All\_That\_Bright](#): > > I know if I want to sleep with a person in less than one date, and if the answer to that question is yes, I’ll stick around long enough to find out if there’s chemistry. The way I see it is I know if there’s chemistry on the first date, and if there is, I want to sleep with you. ---
**Author:** ![melodyharmonius](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/melodyharmonius/32/21310_2.png) [@melodyharmonius](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/melodyharmonius)\ **Post date:** [February 18, 2010, 5:50pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-many-dates-does-it-take-to-know-if-you-have-chemistry/529424/22 "2010-02-18T17:50:31Z")
I think \*\*Green Bean \*\* has some good points. My only problem with the IM stage was that I’m a fast typist and impatient. As for who pays for the date - my rule of thumb is - he who asks should be prepared to pay. That being said, don’t be afraid to offer to cover accompanying costs. (For example, if someone invites me to a concert, I will often offer to pay for the parking or the concessions.) Don’t be afraid to let a man pay for dinner. I think in our efforts to be more modern and equal, we forget the niceties of courtship. If the date goes well, there will be opportunities for you to return the favor - by offering to cook them dinner or treating them next time. My deal with how many dates: First dates can be deceiving if you haven’t done the advance prep work (email - im - phone - meet). There’s the natural jitters or adrenaline that can make it seem draggy or highly entertaining. Second dates are always good ways to double-check when it comes to nice enough guys. If you find that there is no spark - consider casually dating them without being exclusive. At that point, you should definitely make sure you are picking up your share of the costs involved. If they are obviously wanting something more and not willing to go casual, then end it. But some guys are just as happy as you would be to have a dinner or movie buddy while they are looking. I like OKCupid (it’s where my bf of 2 years and I met and we are very happy) but also consider sites like [Meetup.com](http://Meetup.com) where it’s more about finding social events around your area where you can meet friends, or singles, or just people to go to movies with. It can be a lot less stressful than dating. ---
**Author:** ![Really\_Not\_All\_That\_Bright](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/e8c25b/32.png) [@Really\_Not\_All\_That\_Bright](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Really_Not_All_That_Bright)\ **Post date:** [February 18, 2010, 5:51pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-many-dates-does-it-take-to-know-if-you-have-chemistry/529424/23 "2010-02-18T17:51:53Z")
> [@MeanOldLady](#): > > The way I see it is I know if there’s chemistry on the first date, and if there is, I want to sleep with you. Your place or mine? ---
**Author:** ![DivineComedienne](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/c67d28/32.png) [@DivineComedienne](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/DivineComedienne)\ **Post date:** [February 18, 2010, 5:53pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-many-dates-does-it-take-to-know-if-you-have-chemistry/529424/24 "2010-02-18T17:53:11Z")
> [@Anaamika](#): > > You’re giving up on people after one date? Nice, attractive men? No wonder men say women are too picky. > > Obviously I disagree with most of the other posters. I don’t really believe in this nebulous thing called “chemistry” either. I mean, I should say, sometimes it happens, but it’s not the end-all be-all and I think maybe you might be passing up perfectly good men because you don’t feel some kind of “sopark”. > > Just my two cents. Well, it’s not like I"m going out with George Clooney and then giving up on him. It’s more that we have pleasant conversation, a nice time; they seem like perfectly nice men. But then, I feel no particular impulse to seek them out and make an effort to see them again. I wish I DID feel that. Imagine you go to jury duty, and you’re sitting there for a couple of hours; you get involved in a conversation with a couple of people who are also stuck there. You have a pleasant talk, it passes the time; the day ends, and you go your separate ways. That’s kind of how I feel after these dates. It was a pleasant way to spend an evening, but I don’t sense any sparks. Maybe I’m expecting to have hearts shoot out of my eyes like in the cartoons, and that’s not realistic. That’s why I asked the question. But I feel I’m being unfair if I go out several times and there are still no sparks, or maybe the sparks would show up on date 6 or 7? ---
**Author:** ![FoieGrasIsEvil](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/foiegrasisevil/32/16638_2.png) [@FoieGrasIsEvil](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/FoieGrasIsEvil)\ **Post date:** [February 18, 2010, 5:54pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-many-dates-does-it-take-to-know-if-you-have-chemistry/529424/25 "2010-02-18T17:54:24Z")
> [@DivineComedienne](#): > > **How many dates does it take to know if you have chemistry?** How many can you eat? ---
**Author:** ![DivineComedienne](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/c67d28/32.png) [@DivineComedienne](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/DivineComedienne)\ **Post date:** [February 18, 2010, 5:55pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-many-dates-does-it-take-to-know-if-you-have-chemistry/529424/26 "2010-02-18T17:55:37Z")
> [@Really\_Not\_All\_That\_Bright](#): > > I know if I want to sleep with a person in less than one date, and if the answer to that question is yes, I’ll stick around long enough to find out if there’s chemistry. This makes sense to me. My litmus test is, “Do I want this guy to put his hands on me or kiss me?” And if the answer is “No”, then I don’t see the point of wasting his time or mine. Because eventually, that’s going to be an issue. ---
**Author:** ![Really\_Not\_All\_That\_Bright](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/e8c25b/32.png) [@Really\_Not\_All\_That\_Bright](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Really_Not_All_That_Bright)\ **Post date:** [February 18, 2010, 5:57pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-many-dates-does-it-take-to-know-if-you-have-chemistry/529424/27 "2010-02-18T17:57:02Z")
> [@DivineComedienne](#): > > Maybe I’m expecting to have hearts shoot out of my eyes like in the cartoons, and that’s not realistic. That’s why I asked the question. But I feel I’m being unfair if I go out several times and there are still no sparks, or maybe the sparks would show up on date 6 or 7? Well, you make it sound as though you’re enjoying their company. Unless your biological clock is about to ring or something, what’s the rush? It’s perfectly okay to date people just because you enjoy spending time with them - at least, as long as you’re honest about your feelings if asked. > [@](#): > > This makes sense to me. My litmus test is, “Do I want this guy to put his hands on me or kiss me?” And if the answer is “No”, then I don’t see the point of wasting his time or mine. Because eventually, that’s going to be an issue. Well, that’s a perfectly good approach if you’ve never known anyone who you initially did not want to be kissed by and had your feelings change later on. I would guess that that isn’t strictly true, however. ---
**Author:** ![Jimmy\_Chitwood](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/j/f475e1/32.png) [@Jimmy\_Chitwood](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Jimmy_Chitwood)\ **Post date:** [February 18, 2010, 6:03pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-many-dates-does-it-take-to-know-if-you-have-chemistry/529424/28 "2010-02-18T18:03:24Z")
This is why I just put my hands on everyone I meet straight away. ---
**Author:** ![Green\_Bean](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/green_bean/32/1760_2.png) [@Green\_Bean](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Green_Bean)\ **Post date:** [February 18, 2010, 6:18pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-many-dates-does-it-take-to-know-if-you-have-chemistry/529424/29 "2010-02-18T18:18:19Z")
> [@melodyharmonius](#): > > I think \*\*Green Bean \*\* has some good points. My only problem with the IM stage was that I’m a fast typist and impatient. Me too. I try to be understanding in that regard, but if it seems like they’re chatting with others at the same time (the same exact time, not in general) I’ll confirm that and end the interaction. I’m taking the time out of my life to pay attention to a stranger that wants something from me, and if he doesn’t respect that, I don’t want to meet him. > [@Really\_Not\_All\_That\_Bright](#): > > Well, you make it sound as though you’re enjoying their company. Unless your biological clock is about to ring or something, what’s the rush? It’s perfectly okay to date people just because you enjoy spending time with them - at least, as long as you’re honest about your feelings if asked. If she _really_ enjoyed their company enough have an active desire to see them again, she wouldn’t be asking the question. And because there are only so many hours in the day. Why should she spend the time doing something mildly enjoyable when there are plenty of other things she could do that are more enjoyable and/or productive. ---
**Author:** ![Really\_Not\_All\_That\_Bright](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/e8c25b/32.png) [@Really\_Not\_All\_That\_Bright](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Really_Not_All_That_Bright)\ **Post date:** [February 18, 2010, 6:21pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-many-dates-does-it-take-to-know-if-you-have-chemistry/529424/30 "2010-02-18T18:21:19Z")
> [@Green\_Bean](#): > > And because there are only so many hours in the day. Why should she spend the time doing something mildly enjoyable when there are plenty of other things she could do that are more enjoyable and/or productive. Such as? I mean, if you’ve got Lakers tickets, that’s one thing, but let’s be reasonable: most of us would probably be at home watching an _I Love Lucy_ marathon. ---
**Author:** ![Giltathriel](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/g/b38774/32.png) [@Giltathriel](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Giltathriel)\ **Post date:** [February 18, 2010, 6:21pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-many-dates-does-it-take-to-know-if-you-have-chemistry/529424/31 "2010-02-18T18:21:39Z")
> [@DivineComedienne](#): > > \Well, it’s not like I"m going out with George Clooney and then giving up on him. It’s more that we have pleasant conversation, a nice time; they seem like perfectly nice men. But then, I feel no particular impulse to seek them out and make an effort to see them again. I wish I DID feel that. \ I’ve felt this way about nearly all the guys I’ve met online. I usually give it two or three dates, depending on how busy or patient I’m feeling at the moment, but the chemistry doesn’t get better. At that point, if I still don’t want to kiss them, I figure it’s time to stop. I met my last boyfriend like this - gave up on him after three dates, but we hung out as friends occasionally (he was actually dating someone else for a while) and several months later it got flirty. He’s pretty shy, maybe it just took him that long to get comfortable? I don’t really know what to make of that. ---
**Author:** ![DivineComedienne](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/c67d28/32.png) [@DivineComedienne](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/DivineComedienne)\ **Post date:** [February 18, 2010, 6:24pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-many-dates-does-it-take-to-know-if-you-have-chemistry/529424/32 "2010-02-18T18:24:17Z")
> [@Alice\_The\_Goon](#): > > I’ve taken to making those first meetings “meetings”, not dates. So a coffee, a drink, maybe a quick lunch- but that’s the limit. If you don’t call that first meeting a date, there seems to be much less pressure. I agree with you, normally I arrange the first meeting to just be a drink or coffee, for this very reason. I certainly have no trouble holding up a conversation for two hours, but I hate to have a guy spend that much money for dinner unless I think there might be a second date for me to reciprocate. But I didn’t make this call. His words to me were, “Would you like to meet in person? Why don’t we meet somewhere around [Town]? Maybe [Restaurant1] or [Restaurant2]?” My response was, “[Restaurant1] is nice but it’s noisy and hard to talk; how about [Restaurant2]?” He suggested 7 pm, and I agreed. He didn’t come out and SAY we’re having dinner, but that seems like dinnertime to me. I said if I got there first I would wait in the bar. Is it okay for me to say, Why don’t we have a drink here at the bar? so we can talk a little while, and then if he suggests dinner, I can assume he wants to stay? Do I offer to pay the tip? Offer to pay for the drink at the bar? ---
**Author:** ![Elendil\_s\_Heir](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/7cd45c/32.png) [@Elendil\_s\_Heir](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Elendil_s_Heir)\ **Post date:** [February 18, 2010, 6:29pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-many-dates-does-it-take-to-know-if-you-have-chemistry/529424/33 "2010-02-18T18:29:55Z")
It’s not gonna be love at first sight for everybody, but IMHO two or three dates ought to be enough to know if there’s chemistry, or if a relationship is going - or ought to go - any farther. I’m an old-fashioned guy, mostly, and I would expect to pay for drinks or a meal unless she offered to pay, or wanted to go dutch. Then I’d follow her lead. Anyone tried speed dating? I was long off the market by the time it came along, but as a concept it’s always intrigued me: [Speed dating - Wikipedia](http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Speed_dating) ---
**Author:** ![Alice\_The\_Goon](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/ed8c4c/32.png) [@Alice\_The\_Goon](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Alice_The_Goon)\ **Post date:** [February 18, 2010, 6:30pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-many-dates-does-it-take-to-know-if-you-have-chemistry/529424/34 "2010-02-18T18:30:23Z")
I just always make it clear up front that we are meeting quickly, to decide if we want to date, and I always assume that I’m going to pay for my own- if he offers to pay for mine and seems to genuinely want to, I’ll let him. If, after the meeting, he invites me out to dinner, I’m going to assume he’s paying for that. I’ve dated a lot in the past few years, so I’ve developed some rules that work for me. They’re not written in stone and I’m somewhat flexible, but generally that’s it. I’ve also found that if a man tries too hard to dissuade me from doing things the way I’m comfortable with, then he’s probably not going to take my feelings into much consideration over other things in the future, either. On the flip side of this conversation, if any daters ever get an instinct that tells you to get away from this person NOW, listen. Listen! ---
**Author:** ![DivineComedienne](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/c67d28/32.png) [@DivineComedienne](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/DivineComedienne)\ **Post date:** [February 18, 2010, 6:33pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-many-dates-does-it-take-to-know-if-you-have-chemistry/529424/35 "2010-02-18T18:33:55Z")
> [@Green\_Bean](#): > > If she _really_ enjoyed their company enough have an active desire to see them again, she wouldn’t be asking the question. > > And because there are only so many hours in the day. Why should she spend the time doing something mildly enjoyable when there are plenty of other things she could do that are more enjoyable and/or productive. This. I am in my forties and already had my kids…I’m not concerned about having more. But, I do miss having a partner to come home to, and share things with. I’m not necessarily interested in getting married again, but it would be great to have a “steady guy”. But because I’m a busy single mom, with a full-time job and lots to do, I only have two or three evenings per month to go out and enjoy myself with friends or dates. That’s part of the reason I joined the dating service, to save time. Going out on three or four dates with a guy I’m not excited about wastes a month of my free time. That sounds kind of mean, but it’s the truth. ---
**Author:** ![Really\_Not\_All\_That\_Bright](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/e8c25b/32.png) [@Really\_Not\_All\_That\_Bright](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Really_Not_All_That_Bright)\ **Post date:** [February 18, 2010, 6:51pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-many-dates-does-it-take-to-know-if-you-have-chemistry/529424/36 "2010-02-18T18:51:07Z")
> [@Elendil\_s\_Heir](#): > > Anyone tried speed dating? I was long off the market by the time it came along, but as a concept it’s always intrigued me: [Speed dating - Wikipedia](http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Speed_dating) It’s fun, but not IMHO useful as a dating tool. Even people like me who are able to converse easily with strangers tend to clam up and forget everything about themselves under that kind of pressure. “Hi, I’m Bobby. Oh, wait, I mean Steve. I’m the rapist. No, a _therapist!_” ---
**Author:** ![Anaamika](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/5f9b8f/32.png) [@Anaamika](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Anaamika)\ **Post date:** [February 18, 2010, 7:05pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-many-dates-does-it-take-to-know-if-you-have-chemistry/529424/37 "2010-02-18T19:05:53Z")
Maybe it’s just my cultural upbringing, I am totally prepared to admit that. I just totally don’t believe in anything remotely like love at first sight. Chemistry is an incredibly nebulous thing. Maybe we can start by defining chemistry. I tend to think the best relationships come from friendships, not sparks. But then I didn’t have any sparks for my SO when we first met - hell, I was dating his roomie! - and we are going 13 years and strong this year. And I had lots and lots of sparks and fluttery feelings for the previous guy and he was just not suited for me. I’m not saying I always think about love and relationships logically. Goodness, no. I just feel - and have often felt - that prospective mates are tossed aside on very casual reasons, and then people go and get married after three months because their hearts are all a-flutter. Love builds. The strongest love, anyway. I just fear that too many people are looking for that storybook love, which really isn’t real. HOWEVER…of course that’s just in my experience and my own personal thought process, and of course it might be wrong for other people. I do have to add, not to pick on DivineComedienne, why is that a waste? Especially if you’re not looking for marriage. If you don’t have a goal in mind, why is it a waste to spend an evening on a date with someone new? I admit I just don’t get it. But, you do whatever works for you, DivineComedienne. No sarcasm, I really mean it. 🙂 ---
**Author:** ![Munch](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/munch/32/5281_2.png) [@Munch](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Munch)\ **Post date:** [February 18, 2010, 7:14pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-many-dates-does-it-take-to-know-if-you-have-chemistry/529424/38 "2010-02-18T19:14:01Z")
> [@DivineComedienne](#): > > Is it okay for me to say, Why don’t we have a drink here at the bar? so we can talk a little while, and then if he suggests dinner, I can assume he wants to stay? Do I offer to pay the tip? Offer to pay for the drink at the bar? If drinks turn to dinner (at his suggestion, and you’re amenable), you offer to split it. If he insists, then offer to pick up the drinks. (Personally, I don’t like the “let me pay for the tip” because it kinda suggests you think I might be a shitty tipper.) ---
**Author:** ![Markxxx](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/5daacb/32.png) [@Markxxx](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Markxxx)\ **Post date:** [February 18, 2010, 7:21pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-many-dates-does-it-take-to-know-if-you-have-chemistry/529424/39 "2010-02-18T19:21:13Z")
Two or three dates? You know within 10 minutes if there’s chemistry. As Kelly Bundy says “A woman knows within 5 minutes of meeting a man if she’ll ever have sex with him” ---
**Author:** ![MeanOldLady](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/meanoldlady/32/10737_2.png) [@MeanOldLady](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/MeanOldLady)\ **Post date:** [February 18, 2010, 7:21pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-many-dates-does-it-take-to-know-if-you-have-chemistry/529424/40 "2010-02-18T19:21:58Z")
> [@Really\_Not\_All\_That\_Bright](#): > > Your place or mine? Easy there, guy, there’s a three drink minimum. > [@DivineComedienne](#): > > This makes sense to me. My litmus test is, “Do I want this guy to put his hands on me or kiss me?” And if the answer is “No”, then I don’t see the point of wasting his time or mine. Because eventually, that’s going to be an issue. I was having this conversation with my friend some days ago and phrased it a bit more crudely, “Does he make you want to take your pants off? Yes or no?” > [@Anaamika](#): > > Maybe it’s just my cultural upbringing, I am totally prepared to admit that. I just totally don’t believe in anything remotely like love at first sight. We’re not talking about love at first sight; that’s all Disney rubbish. We’re talking about enjoying being around someone so much, that you want to make a point of doing it again. The butterflies in your stomach, the pitter patter, warm fuzzies, and all of that business that sounds like Disney rubbish, but is very real and feels amazing. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-many-dates-does-it-take-to-know-if-you-have-chemistry/529424.md?page=1) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/how-many-dates-does-it-take-to-know-if-you-have-chemistry/529424.md?page=3)